In Search of My Body....Not the One I ATE! Vol. 5: Goddesses are Always on Top!

[goofyfan-12]

Sorry I am so quiet tonight. Just tired.

Came home from work, ate dinner, headed to the gym for a cardio session (where this guy totally bugged the crap out of me) and then came home to crash.

The workout was good, but one of the guys who is usually there every night did something that was a little out of character. He is usually a treadmill / elliptical kind of guy and is there with one of his buddies. Tonight, he hopped on the bike next to me (I had been about 10 minutes into my workout) and started to pedal away in a total 1/2 a$$ kind of way and started flipping through a magazine. Not sure where the buddy was at this point. Then I notice that he is turning to look at what I am doing like every 2 - 3 minutes. What the hell? If you want to say hi to me or something don't do it while I am in the middle of my cardio (I was doing intervals and everything so talking was not an option). He left before I was done, but he moved to a treadmill at this point. It kind of bugged me because I was in my own zone and he was distracting me. At the same time, I am kind of intrigued and wouldn't mind talking to him, but I am not sure who he is. I was very thrown off by the magazine he was reading - "Traditional Home" - definitely an interior design type magazine. No clue what is going on - it was just odd. Ok - I am going to stop overanalyzing now and head to bed and try to get some sleep.

 

[goofyfan-12]

Amiee, wow!! Hope it all turns out great.

Nancy, thanks. I will wait to weigh until after TOM leaves.

E, yeah. POKE!! You bruised yet??



Glad to report that migraine has decided to let go. Whee!!

That is great news Kat. Get some rest. Tomorrow will be better.

 

[adsrtw]

I totally missed this! (I'm getting careless!)

Ignore or say no. That's nuts. I think there is competition to have the most friends for some people.

I don't take vitamins. I know your shocked as I'm "the" model of clean living. But I figure I get enough CH and PB that I'm covered.

You are slipping Lyz!

Thanks Lisa! Dh asked me to keep it curly for a while he said it looked SEXY! Yeah Ok!
Ok thanks to Erikas mapmyrun, I figured out that I walked 2.51 miles today, yup thats right I walked in the wind! No rain. I walked to the tanning salon and then walked back to the house got the puppy and walked to the interstate, via the dead end road. So what does one look like after walking in the wind with a puppy pulling and having to be pulled. THis is what she looks like!

Can we say WIND BLOWN! I was hoping that it would tire puppy out but no such luck! she is just full of more energy, just dumped my bottle of water. Fetch is becoming her new favorite game!

Amiee, good luck with the creek! I am watching the river here very closely because we still have a bunch of stuff stored in the garage and that is oh about 4 feet from the river!

Love your curly hair! Uh oh! Watch the stuff! Such a mess when the levels are up.

Steph - hairlooks cute! Puppy is sooo big!!!

So. Lost 2lbs this week! Back on the losing train! FINALLY.

Yeah Liz!!!

Yay Liz!!!!


I have my lovely monthly migraine, although it is letting go some now. Tomorrow AM I have a consultation with the dr to see about Mirena. Also, the NP changed up my bc so I am hoping that this is the last one. I am going to ask the dr tomorrow if there is something that he can prescribe me just in case, though. I really don't want to go through one more of these, they are hateful.

I ate like complete crap last night. Why does stress make me turn to food?

I am right there with ya on the stress eating! Mirena ~ love it!!

That's one of the things I was going to comment on this a.m. but forgot. Not your CH & PB intake. That I don't take vitamins. Not necessarily because I don't think I should, but because I just can't ever remember

I can't remember to take them either!

Erika- IronGirl is only a 5K (or 10K). Aflac sponsors them all over the country. It's an all woman race. And for 25 dollars you get a tech shirt and finisher's medal. It's my next 5K. I don't expect any PR at this one. it is out at the beach and I believe it is an out and back over the causeway which to me will be a ginormous hill. Should be fun though.

Kat-Hope your migraine gets better!!

Got up early and did shred again today and I may run after dinner. (loving the extra daylight!!) Slight lack of motivation to run, but that is par for the course for me after a long race.

I hate tracking. I was into it early in the challenge but am burnt out on it already. I am still writing stuff down and filling calories in where I can, but am now lacking the motivation to look up calories for stuff I don't know.

Someone PLEASE tell me to stop weighing myself everyday. IDK why I started this again!! Today it showed I gained 6 pounds!

Amy, I was in the same boat. Stop weighing yourself everyday!!!

 

[3DisneyKids]

Yeah, you can be like me and never weigh yourself at all!

 

[adsrtw]

Well, it looks like all might be going well. She put a message on her fb saying she was excited that she heard from a long lost niece. Just talked with my cousin, who also is a pastor. She sending lots of words of wisdom and is noodling over some ways for me to get through the emotional stuff.

Good night guys. I am emotionally exhausted. Not the crying emotions that I had when I left my freak out post.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the well wishes.

 

[princessrunner]

Good morning everyone.

Kat, I have a Mirena, actually it is due out this year and I am hoping to immediately replace it. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I have had 0 issues with it after initial placement and have loved it ever since! Sorry about the migraines. I get them infrequently but they totally bite.

Amy, you look fantastic! The before and after pics are amazing. You have a lot to be proud of.

Dawn, welcome back. Glad to hear you are finding some answers to your issues! We still need to hear all the wedding plans....

Trainers, well of course we are indispensible. EVERYONE should have one!!!

Erika, I just signed up for boot camp at my gym. I am VERY excited about it. The girls are not as I signed them up too. It will be good for them. Of course, boot camp is 2 days after the marathon so I will be crying to myself...

LisaV, have the most wonderful vacay and enjoy your mom time. Sometimes I wish I had more time with my dad. A little forewarning, you know...

Everyone else, I am trying to infuse spring into my life.

As for me, challenge wise, I have the following to report:
Miles this week: So far 24.30 with 4 to go today.
Overall weight loss: 3 pounds (I got down to 5 but somehow found the extra 2 again).
Overall inches lost: 4 total inches (2 from chest (of course), .5 from waist, 1 from hips and .5 from neck).
Body fat percentage drop: 2.6% total body fat lost.

I am very happy with these results. I am down to 4 pounds from my goal (thanks to finding the extra pounds) and I feel it is within reach with my new outlook on eating and the upped amount of exercise. Time will tell I guess. With the marathon only 6 weeks away, I should be able to hit my goal.

As I said, today is 4 miles, girls to the gym and then home again, home again. Ice hockey is done as the rink has degraded. I have to search the local indoor arenas for more sign ups soon. David really liked it a lot and I want to encourage activity. Shelby has softball recruiting going on right now. Recruiting, in middle school. Sad to say the least. She has 2 teams calling her right now and is torn between a higher level of play and the girls that she loves. Middle school softball should start soon too. Needless to say, the next few months will be busy ones for me.

I will sign up for B2B this weekend. I really enjoyed the race. Hopefully it will be brighter this year and I will be able to see something...anything...besides fog. Then VAB half and I am done racing for the year. I don't see another vacation happening for us, sad but true. I am in mourning for the economy and Mike may have a rough summer, send good thoughts our way.

I will still be around lurking but not as vocal as I have been in recent months. I have appreciated those of you who "speak" to me regularly but I guess my feeling of acceptance is just not there. You are a great group and I wish you all the best of luck in the future. You have a lot of love in your group. You have a lot of strength in your group and most of all, you all rock!!

 

[amykab]

Amiee-WOW! I Hope the reconnection goes well.

Erika-I WISH I had the will power to only weigh like once a month or so.

Steph-Loving the curly hair! My hair is wavy/curly and I do whatever I can to straighten it!!

Kat-Glad the migraine is gone!!

LisaPR-It sounds like you are doing great with the challenge!!!

Up EARLY this morning. we had ordered (A long time ago) this TV stand thingy for our new TV. We knew it would be delivered sometime this week, but they always call to set up a time. This time they did not and showed up at 715 as DH was leaving for work.

So, I am going to run in a little while and we'll probably take Delena to the park again today. MIL leaves today so I need to get her to airport around 530, prime rushhour traffic, so that should be lovely. Drinks may be required after!!

 

[SeptemberGirl]

I will still be around lurking but not as vocal as I have been in recent months. I have appreciated those of you who "speak" to me regularly but I guess my feeling of acceptance is just not there. You are a great group and I wish you all the best of luck in the future. You have a lot of love in your group. You have a lot of strength in your group and most of all, you all rock!!

Lisa. What is this about?

There were 10 other things I wanted to reply to, but sitting here, reading this first thing before any other email, website, etc, I just have to jump on it.

I have really seen you reach out and not only support but share things about yourself. Especially recently. Don't take your ball and go home. I'm not sure what prompted this, but don't do it.

You are part of this group. And honestly, we give you back what you put in. Maybe we're not always focused on the training stuff - that's me, BTW - but emotional stuff or girl stuff, I've got you covered. I hope that just in the same way not everyone talks purses or inlaws with me, I don't speak everyone's language back to them. But that's okay, right? I'm thinking maybe you feel some of that? (Nancy icon... )

But to show you how much you are a part, as I was reading your post, I was like, "oh, no! The two lbs! She was only 2lbs away!" and I felt frustration for you for being so close and yet those 2 coming home! Small thing, but it means something, no?

We are invested in your journey. I hope you are invested in ours. And whatever is prompting this, I hope it's not a huge thing but maybe a spark of something small that is different after a run, or a think.

 

[princessrunner]

Liz, thanks for the I am tired, stressed, over trained, under trained, brain starved, etcetera. There is a lot going on right now in my little world with a marathon added in. You have all been there for me and I have tried to be there for you. Most of you all are very supportive, some act like I don't exist. It is hard sometimes when you get lots going on to not notice the little things. KWIM?

I am not going away, just stepping back. I don't plan to leave entirely because I would never do that to anyone. I am not that kind of person. I just don't have much left to give out right now and I don't think it is fair to you all who give so much.

Sorry if I came off wrong. I really didn't mean to, it is just hard to put down in words when your brain is on empty.

 

[DisneyGalUK]

Good Morning

I will still be around lurking but not as vocal as I have been in recent months. I have appreciated those of you who "speak" to me regularly but I guess my feeling of acceptance is just not there. You are a great group and I wish you all the best of luck in the future. You have a lot of love in your group. You have a lot of strength in your group and most of all, you all rock!!

Im really sad to read this. I like to read your posts in the morning, even though the trainer stuff is way beyond my comprehension - Ive got all on standing up straight on the cross trainer!

AMIEE - Wow. I hope everything goes well with getting back in touch with them

KAT - If you learn anything about Migraines I would be very interested to hear it!

DAWN - Wedding plans? Im excited to know, you know!

RODDY - I can't get on YouTube at work (darn the IT department!) but I will most certainly look at home tonight!

STEPH - Did I tell you yesterday I like your hair? Well, I do!

EVERYONE -

I will be back later to post my food for the day, because I just know you are on the edge of your seats!

 

[lisaviolet]

Well, it looks like all might be going well. She put a message on her fb saying she was excited that she heard from a long lost niece. Just talked with my cousin, who also is a pastor. She sending lots of words of wisdom and is noodling over some ways for me to get through the emotional stuff.

Good night guys. I am emotionally exhausted. Not the crying emotions that I had when I left my freak out post.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the well wishes.

Amiee. Obviously, this must be such a shock for you and bring so much back. A myriad of feelings. to you.

Good morning everyone.

Kat, I have a Mirena, actually it is due out this year and I am hoping to immediately replace it. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I have had 0 issues with it after initial placement and have loved it ever since! Sorry about the migraines. I get them infrequently but they totally bite.

Amy, you look fantastic! The before and after pics are amazing. You have a lot to be proud of.

Dawn, welcome back. Glad to hear you are finding some answers to your issues! We still need to hear all the wedding plans....

Trainers, well of course we are indispensible. EVERYONE should have one!!!

Erika, I just signed up for boot camp at my gym. I am VERY excited about it. The girls are not as I signed them up too. It will be good for them. Of course, boot camp is 2 days after the marathon so I will be crying to myself...

LisaV, have the most wonderful vacay and enjoy your mom time. Sometimes I wish I had more time with my dad. A little forewarning, you know...
Everyone else, I am trying to infuse spring into my life.

As for me, challenge wise, I have the following to report:
Miles this week: So far 24.30 with 4 to go today.
Overall weight loss: 3 pounds (I got down to 5 but somehow found the extra 2 again).
Overall inches lost: 4 total inches (2 from chest (of course), .5 from waist, 1 from hips and .5 from neck).
Body fat percentage drop: 2.6% total body fat lost.

I am very happy with these results. I am down to 4 pounds from my goal (thanks to finding the extra pounds) and I feel it is within reach with my new outlook on eating and the upped amount of exercise. Time will tell I guess. With the marathon only 6 weeks away, I should be able to hit my goal.

As I said, today is 4 miles, girls to the gym and then home again, home again. Ice hockey is done as the rink has degraded. I have to search the local indoor arenas for more sign ups soon. David really liked it a lot and I want to encourage activity. Shelby has softball recruiting going on right now. Recruiting, in middle school. Sad to say the least. She has 2 teams calling her right now and is torn between a higher level of play and the girls that she loves. Middle school softball should start soon too. Needless to say, the next few months will be busy ones for me.

I will sign up for B2B this weekend. I really enjoyed the race. Hopefully it will be brighter this year and I will be able to see something...anything...besides fog. Then VAB half and I am done racing for the year. I don't see another vacation happening for us, sad but true. I am in mourning for the economy and Mike may have a rough summer, send good thoughts our way.

I will still be around lurking but not as vocal as I have been in recent months. I have appreciated those of you who "speak" to me regularly but I guess my feeling of acceptance is just not there. You are a great group and I wish you all the best of luck in the future. You have a lot of love in your group. You have a lot of strength in your group and most of all, you all rock!!

Hi Lisa,

Challenge - fantastic. Really great. The weight, inches and body fat that you lost are huge - huge because it is so difficult at this stage. Good for you.

The second - Lisa, I hear you about your father. I can always see by your posts that you miss him so. That his death is such a huge loss for you. That life changed. It changes everything. I can feel that in your writing about him. You're so right. I am so conscious of not taking memories for granted. Jean and I had a year of death after death and it shook ne to my core so that I would never take likfe for granted again.

Please know, iin case I didn't write this here, I know how incredibly fortunate I am with my mom despite the fact that she's leaving in a way I thought I would never/ didn't want see or feel again (We took care of Jean's mom with Alzheimer's). Yesterday I bawled about my mom for the first time. I've cried some but I mean full out bawling. Seriously. I've simply had no emotional space to let it out. Too many other things and she got lost. I couldn't hold it all. And I said these exact words, "the fact is I'm fortunate. Very fortunate. She's now had seventy three years on thip planet. I've had friends who lost their mothers as teenagers. I've had all these years." But of course I'm still sad. My sadness screams for my father. That he's come to the end of his life - worked so damn hard - to the bone - was a firefighter who drove a taxi too at one point to keep his family afloat. He's so wanted to do so many things in his retirement and my mom was difficult about so many. And now this is the end of life. THIS is the end of his life here. That simply sucks. And I cry for my mom that I know she's in the part where she knows. She knows. And she has to spend all her energy to hide it. And I know what that takes. To use all your time hiding. And it makes me so sad for her.

So Lisa - you're right and I'm smart. And I won't let anything stop me from grabbing these times.

Lisa - as for the last paragraph. I'm sorry. Really.

I have no idea who you feel is ignoring you. And I know you've reached out especially lately. But Lisa I don't think it's all their/my? fault either. I don't. I think its shared. That doesn't mean I don't feel for you. I do. I know that you were hurt. I "read" it a couple of times. I felt it a couple of momths back when you wondered if anyone missed you. (I did). I think sometimes your energy, maybe without you even knowing it - really, has been to parts of the group only. Not to the whole group. I'm talking in general terms. Not every post of course where you talk to everyone. And once again not talking about intent at all. I'm talking about a feeling that comes - probably unconscious. And I know it's a cycle. You don't feel acknowledged. So why bother kind of deal. But I think it's a group issue. I really do. I've been "reading" it for awhile. I'm so sorry that it has come to this for you. I will truly miss your posts if you don't write as often. I will. And I heaer you - you feel like with everything else your plate is full.

Good Morning




Im really sad to read this. I like to read your posts in the morning, even though the trainer stuff is way beyond my comprehension - Ive got all on standing up straight on the cross trainer!

AMIEE - Wow. I hope everything goes well with getting back in touch with them

KAT - If you learn anything about Migraines I would be very interested to hear it!

DAWN - Wedding plans? Im excited to know, you know!

RODDY - I can't get on YouTube at work (darn the IT department!) but I will most certainly look at home tonight!

STEPH - Did I tell you yesterday I like your hair? Well, I do!

EVERYONE -

I will be back later to post my food for the day, because I just know you are on the edge of your seats!

Hi Kelly.

 

[DisneyGalUK]

Please know, iin case I didn't write this here, I know how incredibly fortunate I am with my mom despite the fact that she's leaving in a way I thought I would never/ didn't want see or feel again (We took care of Jean's mom with Alzheimer's). Yesterday I bawled about my mom for the first time. I've cried some but I mean full out bawling. Seriously. I've simply had no emotional space to let it out. Too many other things and she got lost. I couldn't hold it all. And I said these exact words, "the fact is I'm fortunate. Very fortunate. She's now had seventy three years on thip planet. I've had friends who lost their mothers as teenagers. I've had all these years." But of course I'm still sad. My sadness screams for my father. That he's come to the end of his life - worked so damn hard - to the bone - was a firefighter who drove a taxi too at one point to keep his family afloat. He's so wanted to do so many things in his retirement and my mom was difficult about so many. And now this is the end of life. THIS is the end of his life here. That simply sucks. And I cry for my mom that I know she's in the part where she knows. She knows. And she has to spend all her energy to hide it. And I know what that takes. To use all your time hiding. And it makes me so sad for her.

Just because. I can't even imagine going through something like that with a parent - it scares me when I think they are going to get older.

 

[lisaviolet]

Ok,

I need something from all of you. Something has happened for me. This happened yesterday but I was so numb I couldn't say a thing. Ready, here we go. When I decided that I had to face men. I lost a man. (This makes me smile with irony - I lost two friends when I came out with the "it's not about you being gay of course". Of course, we've only been friends for twenty years at the time from grade three and I've just come out and you're leaving and it has nothing to do with me being gay. ) Obviously pain still there. . These were close close beyond close friends.

He was my friend. I loved him. He loved me. We had known each other since he was eighteen/nineteen. Periods where we fought and he ran. But back in touch in 2003. So we were close. Then my choice to face myself really shook our friendship. We needed to stop talking. He's married. Nothing happened at all. It's just that we couldn't be so close anymore with this flip in me. Honesly, I think we were both so cushioned. I was gay, thought that was my life hand's down, so we could be that close sort of deal. We could finally say things that we never had the guts to before.

But it was handled in the most immature way. By him. He put a load of anger about it and mirrored as another issue. Ie. It upset him but he made it about me. Instead of dealing with his feelings. Which he obviously had many. Went after my core - my being. Tried to scare me about men. Tried to make it an awful choice. Tried to tell me how difficult it was out there. Pretty well told me I would turn someone off talking about the abuse like I would ever bring that up on a date. (He healed a lot in me) And I refused to sit and swallow. I knew firing back would make him run. Always has. But I come first despite tha pain of losing. I come first.

So I defended myself. Maturely. Not fueled in a awful place. But strongly. Like you're not going to piss on me. And he refused to talk to me ever again. With silence not words. And I had just lost so many through death. And it felt like a death. And stung.

It was absolutely the right decision to end our friendship. He has a wife. She deserved all of him. He was giving/I was taking parts of him. That's not right. However, I needed a goodbye so that I could feel sad but smile about what we shared. He refused to give that to me. And by the way if any of you, I doubt it, but if any of you are cutters. Or have simply cut to run. Apologize or try to change your ways. It's the most cruel thing on earth. So abusive. Silence instead of a simple goodbye - so cruel.

Anyway, I'm needy. So cutting breathes fire into needy. I so wanted a goodbye. Begged for it. Baraged for it. And after baragimg him left it. It's been a couple of years.

I haven't been in contact. I sent a happy birithday once. But nothing else.

Facebook. Jean found him there before I joined. The story from last month. His picture has a baby in it. I was touched, happy for him. And this week after some soul searching I sent a short note saying that I don't want to converse don't worry. Made that clear. I always thought that part was a good decision. And that I saw his picture and that he's now a father and that I didn't know whether to say a thing. But screw it that I wanted to say how happy I was for him and I simply wanted him to know. (this decision to drop short clear lines was a good one for me guys. I don't regret it. And without going into detail it was about me more than him. Decided my "rules" in life)

I expected no response. Didn't need one. It was sent from the heart without needing anything. Not about him. About me.

His response was to block me. Don't argue about this. I know 100%. I went to show Jean his new pic (she was the one who found him on there before I signed up) . You know those dime size ones.

I know. My friend could see him. I can't. And by the way I can't block him. Fu@@ed system because I can't. I want to block now . And now he can unblock at any time if he wanted to check and I can't do a thing about it. Facebook. I didn't know it would bring drama. I just wanted to see friend's kids pics - nieces pics. Sometimes I sit and think "are we really adults?".

I am shook to the core. Shook to the core over the intensity of the feelings to block me. Send three lines. Didn't ask for anything. Didn't want anything. This is huge for me.

I'm not well guys.

This is what I need. I need I'm okay. I need it's not going to take me off track. I need that men are okay. I need that men are okay. My decsion will work out. I need that I'm not going back in a shell. I need to have a wonderful time in Vero Beach. I need that you will all not let me slip. I'm slipping. I feel void. Totally flatlined. I will have the feelings when they come. Need to. And please don't do this by saying he's an a$$ or not worth the time. He is an A$$. But I loved him. (Just happens to be the only man I have loved and hopefully that will change soon) I loved him. And I saw beyond that crap. I need to feel it but hold on to my success. With men, with me, with my body, with everything.

I need you guys big time.

 

[lisaviolet]

Just because. I can't even imagine going through something like that with a parent - it scares me when I think they are going to get older.

Thanks Kelly. It is awful.

But it has some pluses. My mother, who has spent her entire life caring what everyone thinks, no longer seems to care. And that's nice part of it. She speaks her mind suddenly - cause her brain is losing it's self imposed filter. Some of it, the new her, is quite amusing.

 

[DISNEY4XMAS]

Steph-Loving the curly hair! My hair is wavy/curly and I do whatever I can to straighten it!!

I was trying everything to straighten it short of a chemical straighting but I like it this way too. I can have it straight and then have it curly ... I can have my cake and eat it too! LOL

Good Morning





STEPH - Did I tell you yesterday I like your hair? Well, I do!

You did and my apologies for not thanking you the wi-fi is spotty with the wind, in fact this is the third time I have tried to post this!

 

[AKASnowWhite]

Erika, I just signed up for boot camp at my gym. I am VERY excited about it. The girls are not as I signed them up too. It will be good for them. Of course, boot camp is 2 days after the marathon so I will be crying to myself...

um. yeah. You are certifably insane Boot camp? 2 days after a marathon? I was barely able to WALK 2 days after my marathon

Although, you have the benefit of training outside, so your body is accustomed to the running on pavement deal. I had to do my training INSIDE (the biggest mental challenge ever! ) and OMG did my body hurt after 26.2 miles of road running

Liz, thanks for the I am tired, stressed, over trained, under trained, brain starved, etcetera. There is a lot going on right now in my little world with a marathon added in. You have all been there for me and I have tried to be there for you. Most of you all are very supportive, some act like I don't exist. It is hard sometimes when you get lots going on to not notice the little things. KWIM?

I am not going away, just stepping back. I don't plan to leave entirely because I would never do that to anyone. I am not that kind of person. I just don't have much left to give out right now and I don't think it is fair to you all who give so much.

Sorry if I came off wrong. I really didn't mean to, it is just hard to put down in words when your brain is on empty.

I understand completely how the marathon training, raising a family, having a job, being SICK TO DEATH of winter, the struggling economy....everything, all piled up just sucks the ever-lovin' life outta you. Trying to find the balance in your life between what you WANT to do for your family & what you NEED to do for them while in this intense training time is so freakin' hard. It's physically and mentally exhausting. And all-consuming.

And temporary.

It does get better. I promise.

Please know, iin case I didn't write this here, I know how incredibly fortunate I am with my mom despite the fact that she's leaving in a way I thought I would never/ didn't want see or feel again (We took care of Jean's mom with Alzheimer's). Yesterday I bawled about my mom for the first time. I've cried some but I mean full out bawling. Seriously. I've simply had no emotional space to let it out. Too many other things and she got lost. I couldn't hold it all. And I said these exact words, "the fact is I'm fortunate. Very fortunate. She's now had seventy three years on thip planet. I've had friends who lost their mothers as teenagers. I've had all these years." But of course I'm still sad. My sadness screams for my father. That he's come to the end of his life - worked so damn hard - to the bone - was a firefighter who drove a taxi too at one point to keep his family afloat. He's so wanted to do so many things in his retirement and my mom was difficult about so many. And now this is the end of life. THIS is the end of his life here. That simply sucks. And I cry for my mom that I know she's in the part where she knows. She knows. And she has to spend all her energy to hide it. And I know what that takes. To use all your time hiding. And it makes me so sad for her.

I have no good words right now. You are, right now, in a place that scares me like nothing else ever has. I too have seen it. With Stephen's grandparents. His mom's father had Alzheimers, and lived with is parents for a while. SO hard. And his dad's Mom, had a massive stroke. Survived. But for what? To live this shell of a life in a wheel chair, couldn't speak, hardly feed herself. That's not what she wanted. Her brain was all there. So horribly sad to see. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[AKASnowWhite]

holy crap, I'm a friggin' idiot.

I never changed my watch last weekend. It is NOT 10:25. it's 11:25. crap, crap, crap.

I haven't showered. I'm sweaty and disgusting.

And my daughter has a dr's appt in 20 minutes and I have to go NOW to fetch her from school.

 

[DisneyGalUK]

I was trying everything to straighten it short of a chemical straighting but I like it this way too. I can have it straight and then have it curly ... I can have my cake and eat it too! LOL



You did and my apologies for not thanking you the wi-fi is spotty with the wind, in fact this is the third time I have tried to post this!

Because I had the stupid migraine yesterday I couldn't even remember posting yesterday Good job I didn't say anything wrong!

 

[princessrunner]

Nancy, thanks for getting this.

 

[Dizneydawn]

LisaV - I am really to my core sorry that some of the people in your life that you have counted on have chosen to treat you like cr@p. There is no excuse for the lack of human dignity that their actions tried to strip from you. I know you will work through it. You know it. But it still sucks. I am glad you felt safe here to share that. As for your family - I felt like that about my grandparents. They were my mother and father really and one thing my grandfather said about my grandmother when she died, helped me.

"I am blessed because for 65 years I knew the person I laid next to at the end of the night was there because she wanted to be. Not because she had to be."

It broke my heart for their loss, his hurt and for mine but I realized how lucky they were to have had that and how lucky I was to witness that relationship. They fell in love at age 3/4 were neighbors their whole life till they married and had pet names for each other that lasted till the day they died. I hated what their cancer did to their spirit and soul and life but that one statement for whatever reason helped me.

At my desk I have a love letter framed that I took from their home that he wrote to her in middle school. I had found a box of letters when she died in the spare bedroom I always slept in. Truth is I felt like a voyer and was embarassed to ask for it. Now I wish I had asked to keep them all of them since I know now that my uncle trashed them all when he cleaned their home. There were letters from the war and letters he wrote her on a certain morning when he left to drive 30 minutes to get her favorite bread for breakfast. I held onto this one and maybe you can find something to hold onto that can help you get through this as well. Maybe remembering them through the better times will give you the strength now.

Here is what their letter says:
Dearest Pete,
Don and Irene came over and we are playing. My mother is sewing Irene's dress. My Dad is tired and lying on the davenport. I love you. Is your mother still mad at me? Do you still love me? Tell me how much to-morrow nite after school. I can't think of anything more to write except I got 3 orders done and 4 left to do. Pardon the writing.
Oodles of Love,
Mick

Don't know if this helped or not but I hope it can some. I will always listen.