Weddings: In Lieu of Favors; a donation. What do you think?

[Tuffcookie]

Hannathy wrote:

if you don't want to spend money on favors then fine don't. If you want to give to a charity fine do it. Don't however Donate and then have to wag it in my face what wonderful people you are for doing it. All doing what you are doing is asking for acknowledgment and for people to say what great people you are and that isn't why you should be donating. It is called blowing your own horn and isn't exactly a nice thing to be know for..

I agree with this.

TC

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I haven't read the whole thread, but enough to see that some people have some pretty strong feelings about this that I would have never expected.

I don't care if I get a favor or not, and if a donation is made instead, I think that's great. A recent wedding we attended was held on an island known for sea turtles. The B&G donated to a sea turtle conservation fund, and gave each guest a chocolate "turtle" candy along with a little note about the donation. I thought it was beautiful and fitting for the location.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I think it's great too, that the B & G want to make a donation to charity. But when you make an announcement of your donation it just sends the message you want people to think highly of you. It's nobody's business what you give to charity!

TC

 

[Captain Hindsight]

I read the whole thread and I know you have already made up your mind.... But I'm inclined to agree with the likes of Carlie_Roach and HonuGirl.... It is really tacky... If your wedding is supposed to be a charity event I hope you made that clear in the invitation so that people can donate to your favorite charities in lieu of a wedding present as well! Other wise it just makes you look cheap (no matter how nice your dress)!

 

[JaneBanks]

How insulting. Most of these responses are absolutely insulting. NOBODY has any idea WHY people decide to give donations instead of a favor. Holy cow...

The only tacky thing I see is how people can twist and pervert someone's good intentions.

 

[DMRick]

However, I was watching a wedding show and a couple was planning on doing this but their parents were outraged b/c their guests were going to be walking away empty handed. I thought that was a silly way to think, what do you all think?

Ah..the OP asked what we think. So we told her.

How insulting. Most of these responses are absolutely insulting. NOBODY has any idea WHY people decide to give donations instead of a favor. Holy cow...

The only tacky thing I see is how people can twist and pervert someone's good intentions.

See above - she asked what we think. We told her. Some people have different opinions. The OP did say why she was going to donate in lieu of giving a gift. Most said they didn't care about the gift..there was no reason to mention it. Just don't give it.

I was very careful not to single anyone out.

Are ya kidding me? You asked if we were all a bunch of 5 year olds. It doesn't make it any less of an insult, because you didn't single one person out LOL.

Wow I can't believe all the posters here who totally don't get that the bride and groom are not making any donation on your behalf. They are making a donation, period. You just aren't getting your stupid little trinket, period. Maybe this thread is full of 5 year olds .

Right..they are making a donation, so no need to tell anyone about it. If they want to use the money to donate in someone's honor, just do it. Forget the favor, give the money and no reason to announce it. It's not being given in my name, but in their name, so it has nothing to do with me or the guests.

 

[allison443]

I haven't read the whole thread, but enough to see that some people have some pretty strong feelings about this that I would have never expected.

I don't care if I get a favor or not, and if a donation is made instead, I think that's great. A recent wedding we attended was held on an island known for sea turtles. The B&G donated to a sea turtle conservation fund, and gave each guest a chocolate "turtle" candy along with a little note about the donation. I thought it was beautiful and fitting for the location.

That sounds nice, it sounds like they actually gave a favor and a donation.

 

[Scurvy]

Wow I can't believe all the posters here who totally don't get that the bride and groom are not making any donation on your behalf. They are making a donation, period. You just aren't getting your stupid little trinket, period. Maybe this thread is full of 5 year olds .

But then why tell the guests about it?

If the donation is made in your guests' honor, then that's a good reason to tell them about it. Of course then you ought to make sure the donation is to a group that the honorees actually support, or you risk offending them by giving money in their name to a group they object to.

But if it isn't in their honor, if instead you're just using the money you might have used for favors as a donation, then why do the guests need to know that? It's your money, and you certainly don't owe anyone a favor. It isn't any different than if you decided to give a donation to your favorite charity in lieu of the expensive orchids you thought about using as a bouquet. It's no different than if you went with chicken instead of steak at the reception and used the money you saved as a donation. You wouldn't put a notice in your program telling everyone that, so why do it if you're using the favor money instead? Donations are great. I think they are a better use of money than some silly trinket or candy for your guests. But I don't understand why the guests need to know about it.

 

[honugirl]

How insulting. Most of these responses are absolutely insulting. NOBODY has any idea WHY people decide to give donations instead of a favor. Holy cow...

The only tacky thing I see is how people can twist and pervert someone's good intentions.

Jane, I know you donated, could you share your reasons why you chose to make that decision?

For me, it has nothing to do with wanting a favor. I could care less about a favor and obviously, those who think it's a good idea can do whatever they want to do. Donate, don't donate, I don't care.

Let me see if I can try and explain this better... I think the reason many of us feel like you are donating in "our" names is because instead of the $5 per person or whatever you were going to spend on favors, that $5 our whatever my "share" is, is now going to a charity and yes, as a guest, I do feel that money is somehow connected to me because you are spending money earmarked for favors for the guests to give a donation (in my mind) from the guests. To me, it's like saying here, I bought you a candy bar, but instead of giving it to you, I'm giving it to the food bank. I would rather you just bought a case of candy bars, donated them to the food bank and didn't tell me. If you want to donate, fine, just don't toot your horn and tell me about it. I think that's really tacky. Guess it goes on the outta sight, outta mind principle.

If you want to donate in honor of a person, great! Do it in their name, on their behalf. That's a completely different thing.

 

[spanks]

My fiance and I are getting married this summer. We agreed to no favors but we will suggest donations to a charity that I have been a part of for many years. Now, my fiance and his children have joined the cause and are raising $ and will again be joining me in June. So, yes, yes, yes!!!! Donations are a go, go, go! Now, 15 bridesmaids are a maybe??? LOL

 

[JaneBanks]

Jane, I know you donated, could you share your reasons why you chose to make that decision?

If you want to donate in honor of a person, great! Do it in their name, on their behalf. That's a completely different thing.

As I have said, We donated to St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital because we lost 4 children in my family.

My mother's brother died at the age of 10 from a brain tumor.
My father's sister died at the age of 10 from a whole in her heart.
My cousin lost 2 of her children, both around the age of 2 to a genetic disease not long ago.

Fortunately, my husband's family hasn't suffered a loss of a child as far as they knew or their names would have been added.

I DID donate in their name and their behalf, not my guests. I decided to "toot my own horn" to let the majority of my family who have been closely effected by these losses know that those children who are gone are not forgotten.

I also felt that if there were a St. Jude's or something like it, available to both sets of grandparents at the time, and a cure for the genetic disease, there would have been more family and love around myself and my husband on the happiest day of our lives. I am grateful for the research that is done to help find cures for children who are sick. We felt compelled to do our part in that fight.


I don't apologize for being insulted when someone says that I donated and decided to tell my guests just so I can look good.

The only thing that matters is that my family knows where our hearts and thoughts were and the reason behind why we did it. They appreciated it. That's all I wanted and that's all that matters.

I'm sorry if people find that tacky. There's nothing else I can say to change that.

BTW.. we gave a favor along with the donation. Does that make it better?

 

[honugirl]

As I have said, We donated to St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital because we lost 4 children in my family.

My mother's brother died at the age of 10 from a brain tumor.
My father's sister died at the age of 10 from a whole in her heart.
My cousin lost 2 of her children, both around the age of 2 to a genetic disease not long ago.

Fortunately, my husband's family hasn't suffered a loss of a child as far as they knew or their names would have been added.

I DID donate in their name and their behalf, not my guests. I decided to "toot my own horn" to let the majority of my family who have been closely effected by these losses know that those children who are gone are not forgotten.

I also felt that if there were a St. Jude's or something like it, available to both sets of grandparents at the time, and a cure for the genetic disease, there would have been more family and love around myself and my husband on the happiest day of our lives. I am grateful for the research that is done to help find cures for children who are sick. We felt compelled to do our part in that fight.


I don't apologize for being insulted when someone says that I donated and decided to tell my guests just so I can look good.

The only thing that matters is that my family knows where our hearts and thoughts were and the reason behind why we did it. They appreciated it. That's all I wanted and that's all that matters.

I'm sorry if people find that tacky. There's nothing else I can say to change that.

BTW.. we gave a favor along with the donation. Does that make it better?

Thanks for the explanation.

Like I said before, I don't care about the favor. Give one, don't give one, it doesn't matter.

If you want to give in the names of those people you lost, fine. Great. I'm all for it. If you want to put up a sign saying, donations were made to St. Jude on behalf of w,x,y,z people, fine.

The difference here is the OP just wants to make a donation and then put up a sign saying, I didn't get anyone a favor, but hey, I donated to x charity. I find that tacky.

I get wanting to give donations, especially because I live with a rare disease. I would just go about it differently.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Thanks for the explanation.

Like I said before, I don't care about the favor. Give one, don't give one, it doesn't matter.

If you want to give in the names of those people you lost, fine. Great. I'm all for it. If you want to put up a sign saying, donations were made to St. Jude on behalf of w,x,y,z people, fine.

The difference here is the OP just wants to make a donation and then put up a sign saying, I didn't get anyone a favor, but hey, I donated to x charity. I find that tacky.

I get wanting to give donations, especially because I live with a rare disease. I would just go about it differently.

I agree. I don't think anyone cares about the favor. It is like the goodie bag at a kids birthday party. Usually just a piece of nothing that you have to feel guilty trashing. But to tell people you didn't give it and that you took their "gift and gave it to someone else" is tacky. It is like donating to a charity in someone's name. What is the point?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for the explanation.

Like I said before, I don't care about the favor. Give one, don't give one, it doesn't matter.

If you want to give in the names of those people you lost, fine. Great. I'm all for it. If you want to put up a sign saying, donations were made to St. Jude on behalf of w,x,y,z people, fine.

The difference here is the OP just wants to make a donation and then put up a sign saying, I didn't get anyone a favor, but hey, I donated to x charity. I find that tacky.

I get wanting to give donations, especially because I live with a rare disease. I would just go about it differently.

I also find it tacky, because it is totally a tasteless thing to do.

Give a donation fine, however do not do it in "lieu of a favor". It is downright ignorant. Do it in honor of someone or skip the favors and say nothing.

 

[luvmy3]

But then why tell the guests about it?

If the donation is made in your guests' honor, then that's a good reason to tell them about it. Of course then you ought to make sure the donation is to a group that the honorees actually support, or you risk offending them by giving money in their name to a group they object to.

But if it isn't in their honor, if instead you're just using the money you might have used for favors as a donation, then why do the guests need to know that? It's your money, and you certainly don't owe anyone a favor. It isn't any different than if you decided to give a donation to your favorite charity in lieu of the expensive orchids you thought about using as a bouquet. It's no different than if you went with chicken instead of steak at the reception and used the money you saved as a donation. You wouldn't put a notice in your program telling everyone that, so why do it if you're using the favor money instead? Donations are great. I think they are a better use of money than some silly trinket or candy for your guests. But I don't understand why the guests need to know about it.

You don't need to tell the guests, but I believe the OP already covered why she is doing it in the first couple pages of the thread. Announcing that she gave the donation still doesn't mean they are doing it in the name of "guest", it doesn't mean they are taking something from their guests (since they didn't have anything in the first place, and expecting a gift at a wedding could be seen as tacky as well). I understand people who think announcing it is tacky, thats their opinion, I just disagree, not surprising that some of us disagree here. What I find surprising is that people don't get (or maybe just ignored) what the OP said, since nowhere did I see her say she is making donations to XYZ in her guests name as her gift to them

 

[GinnyEmma]

She is giving to a charity instead of 'wasting" the money on favors. i have that. what is the point? It is just the choice to spend money elsewhere. At what point does it have anything to do with the wedding or guests?

 

[Ember]

She is giving to a charity instead of 'wasting" the money on favors. i have that. what is the point? It is just the choice to spend money elsewhere. At what point does it have anything to do with the wedding or guests?

If you don't tell everyone, then no one will know how generous, selfless, and socially aware you are. Don't you do good deeds so you can brag about them later?! I mean, just the other day I donated to the Food Bank. Aren't you in awe of me??

 

[Scurvy]

You don't need to tell the guests, but I believe the OP already covered why she is doing it in the first couple pages of the thread. Announcing that she gave the donation still doesn't mean they are doing it in the name of "guest", it doesn't mean they are taking something from their guests (since they didn't have anything in the first place, and expecting a gift at a wedding could be seen as tacky as well). I understand people who think announcing it is tacky, thats their opinion, I just disagree, not surprising that some of us disagree here. What I find surprising is that people don't get (or maybe just ignored) what the OP said, since nowhere did I see her say she is making donations to XYZ in her guests name as her gift to them

No, the OP didn't say she's making the donation in the name of her guests. I think most posters realize that, but many are bringing it up because that would be the only logical reason to mention it to the guests. (Plus I think many posters have branched out to discussing donations in general in their posts, as well as touching on the specifics of the OP's situation.) Otherwise, it's unnecessary and somewhat tacky to bring it up at all. The bride wouldn't seem to be taking anything away from the guests by making a donation rather than buying favors - except that by saying "in lieu of favors" she's telling everyone that she's doing exactly that. She is saying "I thought about buying you a little gift, but I decided to give something to this other group instead." There's no reason to do that. If she doesn't give favors at all, no one will care. But by saying she considered it and decided not to, she's bringing attention to the fact the the guests were going to get something and now they aren't. The guests probably wouldn't have cared whether they got a favor or not, and the donation is probably a much better use of the money. If someone is actually rude enough to expect a favor and to ask why they didn't get one then there's nothing wrong with telling them you decided to use your funds elsewhere. But if no one asks, there's no reason to bring it up at all. The donation has nothing to do with the guests. It isn't about the guests, and it shouldn't be about them. But saying you did it "in lieu of favors" makes it about the guests.

 

[GinnyEmma]

If you don't tell everyone, then no one will know how generous, selfless, and socially aware you are. Don't you do good deeds so you can brag about them later?! I mean, just the other day I donated to the Food Bank. Aren't you in awe of me??

 

[epcotprincess]

I love the idea and I agree that most favors get thrown in the trash. However, I think there is a right way and a wrong way to do it. To me, the best way to go about this would be to give a small food type favor along with a card-- like a bag of candied almonds or a cookie with a tag explaining the donation. That way, the guests get a little something and you are benefiting the greater good as well.

Honestly, I feel that at a wedding, my "reward" for going is the good food, drinks, company and celebrating the bride and groom. A crappy box of M&Ms has no bearing on my good time or feeling of being appreciated-- that comes from the thank you and from the hospitality at the event. I don't understand the logic of the couple "being willing to spend thousands on themselves but then giving the guest gifts away"-- the bride and groom aren't drinking the thousands of dollars of open bar alcohol or eating the thousands of dollars of prime rib. It's an honor to be invited to a wedding and the good time you have is your reward for gifting the couple and participating in their celebration.

I am not a selfish person who feels owed something for attending a wedding, and it would make me feel really good to know that a decent amount of money went to an honorable organization to help people instead of everyone walking away with paper boxes of a few candies.