Weddings: In Lieu of Favors; a donation. What do you think?

[MiniGirl]

OP, I was critisized on these boards once because I was considering doing something similar. People pointed out that giving that money to a charity of my choice was not really giving that person a gift at all, and they were right.

What I did do for my wedding though was let people know if they wanted to donate to the American Cancer Society in lieu of giving us a gift, we would appreciate that. (I am a cancer survivor and my mom was still battling cancer when I got married.)

In other words, if you want to give up your gifts, fine, but to expect others to give up something that is traditionally theirs (a favor) and donate that to something that may not be as important to them as it is to you is not fine.

 

[allison443]

I think it's also because favors are an "optional" item anyway...also can be one of the less expensive ones at a wedding....not having favors isn't something that has to be "explained".
However if someone has the intent of doing this to memorialize a missing family memeber, I can't believe people would think negatively of it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I think it's also because favors are an "optional" item anyway...also can be one of the less expensive ones at a wedding....not having favors isn't something that has to be "explained".
However if someone has the intent of doing this to memorialize a missing family memeber, I can't believe people would think negatively of it.

Most objecting to "in lieu of" charity are not negative of to the "in memory of" sentiment.

I do wonder if some folks are deliberately looking past that to make others evil people for daring suggest that donating to charity is something bad.

It's kind of like Halloween and trick or treating. Noone is obligated to give a treat at the door. If you don't wish to participate for whatever reason, just turn off the porch light and don't answer the doorbell. But when if you were to give the child an "in lieue of treat"--a card that says, "In lieu of giving you a treat this halloween, I donated to XYZ charity"--it comes across as very scroogy. If that thread was posted on the DIS, I really don't think it would err in favor of the "in lieu of" treat giver.

The donation in lieu of the favor is not the actual issue here.

Though some of the suggested ideas are pretty cool when they fit with what is going on at the wedding....in memory of, turtles with the donation to the turtle preserve....Those are thoughtful to the guest and to the charity and I would bet that the bride and groom did something EXTRA to donate, versus eliminating their wedding favor budget.

 

[eliza61]

Fiance and I have been thinking instead of doing favors for our wedding we were thinking of taking our favor budget and donating half to the American Cancer Society and the other half to St.Judes or Make a Wish. We have lost a few family members (my Nan being one) and close friends cancer and we currently have some family friends fighting the battle. I was just going to print out on nice stationary "In Lieu of favors the bride and groom are donating to X and Y Charities" (well something like that) and frame it and put it by our guestbook.

However, I was watching a wedding show and a couple was planning on doing this but their parents were outraged b/c their guests were going to be walking away empty handed. I thought that was a silly way to think, what do you all think?

I think it's a great idea.

My mother too was outraged that I wanted to skip the favors. We compromised by giving guest mini bottles of champagne, at least they could have a drink on us.

I have never, ever done any thing with any of the favors I've been given and would have prefered they did some thing useful with the money.

 

[tlbwriter]

My mother too was outraged that I wanted to skip the favors. We compromised by giving guest mini bottles of champagne, at least they could have a drink on us.

Now that's one of the few favors I'd appreciate!

Like Lisa Loves Pooh said, the "in honor of" isn't a problem. The "in lieu of" is. If I expected a favor (I don't... they're not really big here) and I got the "in lieu of" instead, I'd think "Couldn't you have cut your budget somewhere else to provide this donation? In lieu of flowers, or in lieu of a limo? Why cut part of the wedding that doesn't impact you at all and pretend it's supposed to make me happy?"

 

[Carly_Roach]

Carly, I've read your posts, you seem intelligent enough to know what a purchase is, surely you know that announcing a donation has nothing to do with making a purchase .

When you tell people your charity business, your donation is now a purchase and is no longer a donation. What you're buying is good will, the pat on the back, the warm fuzzy, the admiration, the "good for you!" responses that you get from others when you publicize your donation.

 

[wvjules]

If the OP is so passionate about this charity why doesn't she and her soon-to-be DH ask for donations "in lieu" of gifts?

What are they sacraficing for this charity? Cheaper flowers, cheaper dress, cheaper cake, smaller venue, donations instead of gifts? Nothing! They are sacraficing their guests' tradition.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

However, I was watching a wedding show and a couple was planning on doing this but their parents were outraged b/c their guests were going to be walking away empty handed. I thought that was a silly way to think, what do you all think?

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard and I wouldn't want someone like that at my wedding. All of my friends were happy that we donated to Make a Wish instead of giving them useless trinkets.

 

[tlbwriter]

That's the stupidest thing I ever heard and I wouldn't want someone like that at my wedding. All of my friends were happy that we donated to Make a Wish instead of giving them useless trinkets.

Isn't it odd that some people are insisting ALL of their guests would/did love this idea, and yet more than half of the people posting to this thread find it tacky? What are the odds that EVERY SINGLE PERSON at your wedding will think this is a fantastic idea, and NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON will find it a tacky case of showboating, but just maybe not tell you they feel that way?

ETA... want to make it clear that I don't think skipping favors is tacky. I think announcing you skipped favors so you could make that donation instead is tacky.

If you're considering this, here's a question: Would you cut part of your wedding budget and make that donation if you were not allowed to make that announcement?

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Agree 100%.

I prefer the chocolate please. Esp. sitting there at your reception it is nice to have a little treat at the table.

Really? You prefer chocolate over children with terminal diseases getting a little extra cash thrown their way? Wow.

Our tables had bowls of candy (it was Halloween) and cards that said in honor of our guests we have made a donation to the Make a Wish foundation and it had a note about the charity and what it does. We really weren't "tooting our own horn"... it was to let people know it was done and that the charity exists and what they do and where people could donate their time or money if they saw fit. We don't personally know a single person who was against it.

I honestly can't imagine saying to someone "give me candy instead of giving sick kids the money instead"...

 

[luvsJack]

I am guessing some of you would have an issue with a birthday party dd is attending this weekend.

The mother of the birthday child normally goes waaaaayyy out for parties. This year, she and her child decided that they could donate some of that money to a charity of the child's choosing. So, the mother has toned the party way done and is having it at a local laser tag place. Probably cutting the cost of the party in half.

There will be limited food--only what is provided by the laser tag place. (she usually provides a buffet of food and snacks) and no party favors.

All of the saved cost will go to the charity and this was all told in the invitation.

We thought is was great.



And I still seeing nothing wrong with this bride donating the money and having a small announcment card on the tables. If she didn't have the card someone would say "I guess she was too cheap to buy favors" or some such nonsense. I think a candle on the table with a framed card that reads: "In honor of our loved one xxxxxx, we have foregone favors and given a donation to the xxxxxx Foundation"

Their guests "traditions"? Really? So now a stale pack of almonds is a "tradition"?

 

[tlbwriter]

We really weren't "tooting our own horn"... it was to let people know it was done

Does not compute...

 

[allison443]

Really? You prefer chocolate over children with terminal diseases getting a little extra cash thrown their way? Wow.

Our tables had bowls of candy (it was Halloween) and cards that said in honor of our guests we have made a donation to the Make a Wish foundation and it had a note about the charity and what it does. We really weren't "tooting our own horn"... it was to let people know it was done and that the charity exists and what they do and where people could donate their time or money if they saw fit. We don't personally know a single person who was against it.

I honestly can't imagine saying to someone "give me candy instead of giving sick kids the money instead"...

I honestly can't believe anyone would say that. This is a message board and people are speaking hypothetically, anonymously. Even if someone thinks the donation thing is rude, it would also be rude to actually say that.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Perhaps an equitable solution would be for the bride to put out cards at each table stating that in lieu of favors she'd like the people at the table to write out THEIR favorite charities and she'll be splitting up and donating the favor money to those charities. Granted, it would take effort on the bride's part to prepare the cards, organize the money, send the money to all the different charities, let her guests know that the money was donated, and keep track of the details.

But isn't it the thought that is supposed to count?

This whole "donating the favor money to charity" strikes me as more like the bride reached the end of her rope, the favors part was last, she didn't want to deal with it since it had very little to do with her and more to do with the comfort of her guests, so the PC solution was to kill two birds with one stone. Blow the rest of the budget by giving it away in one lump sum AND purchase kudos from her friends and family for her "selfless giving" to charity at the same time.

BTW, I thought the trick-or-treat candy analogy was spot-on.

 

[wvjules]

Really? You prefer chocolate over children with terminal diseases getting a little extra cash thrown their way? Wow.

Our tables had bowls of candy (it was Halloween) and cards that said in honor of our guests we have made a donation to the Make a Wish foundation and it had a note about the charity and what it does. We really weren't "tooting our own horn"... it was to let people know it was done and that the charity exists and what they do and where people could donate their time or money if they saw fit. We don't personally know a single person who was against it.

I honestly can't imagine saying to someone "give me candy instead of giving sick kids the money instead"...

Did you opt for donations to MAW in lieu of gifts?

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

If you're considering this, here's a question: Would you cut part of your wedding budget and make that donation if you were not allowed to make that announcement?

Yes. We would have. It had nothing to do with making an announcement to us. It's very common around here and during a time that is spent primarily with friends & family and focusing on family and a long life ahead, a lot of people feel that a charitable donation is a good way to remind people that there is a lot of need in the world and that the healthy, happy lives we have should be cherished.

I've actually only been to one wedding in the last 5 years where a donation wasn't made.

 

[allison443]

I am guessing some of you would have an issue with a birthday party dd is attending this weekend.

The mother of the birthday child normally goes waaaaayyy out for parties. This year, she and her child decided that they could donate some of that money to a charity of the child's choosing. So, the mother has toned the party way done and is having it at a local laser tag place. Probably cutting the cost of the party in half.

There will be limited food--only what is provided by the laser tag place. (she usually provides a buffet of food and snacks) and no party favors.

All of the saved cost will go to the charity and this was all told in the invitation.

We thought is was great.



And I still seeing nothing wrong with this bride donating the money and having a small announcment card on the tables. If she didn't have the card someone would say "I guess she was too cheap to buy favors" or some such nonsense. I think a candle on the table with a framed card that reads: "In honor of our loved one xxxxxx, we have foregone favors and given a donation to the xxxxxx Foundation"

Their guests "traditions"? Really? So now a stale pack of almonds is a "tradition"?

For the birthday party you mentioned, did they request donations instead of gifts for the birthday child? My dd went to a few like that. I thought it was very nice and generous of the child. Of course some people would probably think that was rude because you aren't supposed to "expect" a gift.

 

[allison443]

Yes. We would have. It had nothing to do with making an announcement to us. It's very common around here and during a time that is spent primarily with friends & family and focusing on family and a long life ahead, a lot of people feel that a charitable donation is a good way to remind people that there is a lot of need in the world and that the healthy, happy lives we have should be cherished.

I've actually only been to one wedding in the last 5 years where a donation wasn't made.

Personally I don't need reminding of that...do you?

 

[luvsJack]

Isn't it odd that some people are insisting ALL of their guests would/did love this idea, and yet more than half of the people posting to this thread find it tacky? What are the odds that EVERY SINGLE PERSON at your wedding will think this is a fantastic idea, and NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON will find it a tacky case of showboating, but just maybe not tell you they feel that way?

ETA... want to make it clear that I don't think skipping favors is tacky. I think announcing you skipped favors so you could make that donation instead is tacky.

If you're considering this, here's a question: Would you cut part of your wedding budget and make that donation if you were not allowed to make that announcement?

EVERY SINGLE PERSON at your wedding isn't going to agree on anything. You can't make everyone happy. As proven on this thread people can get silly about the dumbest things.

Just because an announcement is made doesn't mean anyone is trying to say "look what I did". Its just to let them know WHY there are no favors on the tables. If you took away the flowers, wouldn't you want to let people know in some way WHY? Same thing.

Its an explantion not a brag.

 

[allison443]

Did you opt for donations to MAW in lieu of gifts?

I'm guessing not...