Weddings: In Lieu of Favors; a donation. What do you think?

[marcyinPA]

Good to know. I will make sure to donate to Planned Parenthood in your honor. Or how about NORML...

I can see the note now....A donation has been made for the fight for the legalization of marijuana in your honor.

That is awfully dramatic. I'm fairly certain that a couple, if donating in memory of a loved one, would be donating to an organization like the cancer society, parkinson's, etc. What kind of person is against that type of organization??? I highly doubt that a couple would donate to controversial group in memory of someone the love? In the OP's case, she said St. Jude's. A wonderful organization that provides cancer treatment and care to children free of charge. You would seriously be offended at that?? The world is made up of all kinds, I guess.

And secondly, the donation is not being made in the GUEST'S HONOR. It is being made in memory of a loved one who is not present at the actual wedding (because, most likely, that loved one is now deceased).

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Well, I gave a donation AND a favor! (I'm not lying for the heck of it. I posted in the other wedding favor thread before I posted in this one.)

What does that make me? An attention seeking giver? Did I insult my guests by confusing them? Giving a favor didn't give my horn a loud enough toot so I added that donation on for that extra special "look at me!" factor? My wedding wasn't tacky enough with the donation so I "tacked" on an extra?

Sounds thoughtful and generous to me...

 

[DMRick]

I'm in the camp of, give to your charity if you want, instead of spending the money on favors for your guests (I could care less if I get a favor), but I don't get why you would announce that. If you want to honor people, put a candle on each table with a note saying 'in honor of...', to let people know you were thinking of your Nan for instance, but I don't get why you would say, in lieu of favors we are using the money to donate to our charity of choice.

Give to your charity, or don't, but I don't think it has anything to do with what you give or don't give your guests. I think it's tacky, even though I lost both of my parents to cancer. If people want to donate to a charity they will, I won't make that decision for them. Now, if you wanted to ask that instead of gifts a donation to the charity of their choice would be preferred, I would be all for that. We went to a wedding where people were asked, in lieu of gifts to bring canned goods, or any amount of gift certificates from a local store and it was all given to a food pantry. Now, that I thought was classy. The bride and groom really decided to put their charity in place of themselves, and I don't think anyone objects to feeding the poor.

Fiance and I have been thinking instead of doing favors for our wedding we were thinking of taking our favor budget and donating half to the American Cancer Society and the other half to St.Judes or Make a Wish. We have lost a few family members (my Nan being one) and close friends cancer and we currently have some family friends fighting the battle. I was just going to print out on nice stationary "In Lieu of favors the bride and groom are donating to X and Y Charities" (well something like that) and frame it and put it by our guestbook.

However, I was watching a wedding show and a couple was planning on doing this but their parents were outraged b/c their guests were going to be walking away empty handed. I thought that was a silly way to think, what do you all think?

 

[minniecarousel]

wow - I cannot believe that people would rather have a "dust collector" than have a donation made.

really? you actually would be insulted if you didn't walk away with a bag or candy or a wine stopper? You need a "goodie bag" - what are you - 5?

(the "you" I am referring to is not aimed at any particular individual, but those who dislike the idea that a B&G would donate instead of giving them a tchotskie)

Obviously, count me among those who likes the idea of a donation!

 

[DMRick]

The OP would be announcing it. You are saying you gave a donation and a favor. I don't have any problem with no favor or a less expensive favor and the bride and groom also making a donation. But why announce it?

Well, I gave a donation AND a favor! (I'm not lying for the heck of it. I posted in the other wedding favor thread before I posted in this one.)

What does that make me? An attention seeking giver? Did I insult my guests by confusing them? Giving a favor didn't give my horn a loud enough toot so I added that donation on for that extra special "look at me!" factor? My wedding wasn't tacky enough with the donation so I "tacked" on an extra?

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Good to know. I will make sure to donate to Planned Parenthood in your honor. Or how about NORML...

I can see the note now....A donation has been made for the fight for the legalization of marijuana in your honor.

Please do. I would have no problem with that.

Is that supposed to be some kind of moral insult?

If anyone ever donated money to PP in my honor, I think I'd punch them. Not really. But I would be aggravated that they didn't know me well enough to realize that I would never want my name associated with them.

That is awfully dramatic. I'm fairly certain that a couple, if donating in memory of a loved one, would be donating to an organization like the cancer society, parkinson's, etc. What kind of person is against that type of organization??? I highly doubt that a couple would donate to controversial group in memory of someone the love? In the OP's case, she said St. Jude's. A wonderful organization that provides cancer treatment and care to children free of charge. You would seriously be offended at that?? The world is made up of all kinds, I guess.

And secondly, the donation is not being made in the GUEST'S HONOR. It is being made in memory of a loved one who is not present at the actual wedding (because, most likely, that loved one is now deceased).

It depends entirely on the organization. I don't know much about Parkinson's charities, but there is more than one cancer organization that I would never, ever donate a penny to.

wow - I cannot believe that people would rather have a "dust collector" than have a donation made.

really? you actually would be insulted if you didn't walk away with a bag or candy or a wine stopper? You need a "goodie bag" - what are you - 5?

(the "you" I am referring to is not aimed at any particular individual, but those who dislike the idea that a B&G would donate instead of giving them a tchotskie)

Obviously, count me among those who likes the idea of a donation!

Having a well-thought out reason to dislike the idea doesn't make us childish.

 

[DMRick]

I'm not seeing people saying that at all. I am seeing people saying, forget the favor, and donate if you want, but just don't announce it. Many of us think the announcing of the lack of a favor so the B & G can use the money they would have used for the favor, for a donation is the tacky part.
I don't need a wedding favor at all, and I like charities. Just don't see what one has to do with the other. There are plenty of ways to have a memorial at a wedding, and lots of ways for the B & G to donate, without announcing it as a replacement for a favor (which no one seems to care about..you are right, I don't need a dust catcher, or candy).

wow - I cannot believe that people would rather have a "dust collector" than have a donation made.

really? you actually would be insulted if you didn't walk away with a bag or candy or a wine stopper? You need a "goodie bag" - what are you - 5?

(the "you" I am referring to is not aimed at any particular individual, but those who dislike the idea that a B&G would donate instead of giving them a tchotskie)

Obviously, count me among those who likes the idea of a donation!

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I'm not seeing people saying that at all. I am seeing people saying, forget the favor, and donate if you want, but just don't announce it. Many of us think the announcing of the lack of a favor so the B & G can use the money they would have used for the favor, for a donation is the tacky part.
I don't need a wedding favor at all, and I like charities. Just don't see what one has to do with the other. There are plenty of ways to have a memorial at a wedding, and lots of ways for the B & G to donate, without announcing it as a replacement for a favor (which no one seems to care about..you are right, I don't need a dust catcher, or candy).

Exactly.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

wow - I cannot believe that people would rather have a "dust collector" than have a donation made.

really? you actually would be insulted if you didn't walk away with a bag or candy or a wine stopper? You need a "goodie bag" - what are you - 5?

(the "you" I am referring to is not aimed at any particular individual, but those who dislike the idea that a B&G would donate instead of giving them a tchotskie)

Obviously, count me among those who likes the idea of a donation!

You can't believe it, b/c noone actually said that.

Some actually didn't say they didn't dislike the notion of donating.

What was stated is how it could and sometimes does come across when one does something "in lieu of".

It was also shared that the folks thinking they are doing this great thing from humanity wouldn't consider giving up their gifts or other item that doesn't impact them and thus far--that does seem to be accurate as OP nor any other bride has stepped forward and said what a fantastic idea that was.

And there would be people who would get crabby if they didn't get a dust collector.

I didn't set out favors for my bridal party b/c I didn't discover until my wedding day that my mom had failed to make them. I caught her on favor #2 at 7:30 in the morning after she stayed up all night working on favor #1. She insisted these things be made, but on that timeline, she'd never finish 5. Especially when it was discovered she didn't have enough materials. So my friend and I trekked to Walmart, got the rest of what was needed, came back and assisted my mom with an assembly line to produce the favors efficiently. We got done what we could and were about 8 short of what was needed. So I made the decision that it wasn't necessary for the head table. I had given those folks thank you gifts at the rehearsal dinner.

Later found out that my SIL felt stiffed and forgotten that we didn't have favors there. I guess lucky for her that we had some no shows so that she could have this fru fru ball of mints.

Not everyone is dumb like that.

However, the issue isn't whether or not a favor should be there or whether or not a donation should be made. The issue is the manner in which one cares to share the absence of said favor.

When you are not going to give someone a gift (and it is fine to not do so), saying "in lieu of" just sends the wrong vibe. "In memory of" demonstrates the intent.

I wouldn't want a gesture of goodwill misinterpreted as stinginess even by 1 person. Why? Well--I don't know--I just dont' like people to think bad things of me and I have had good things turn around and thought of as bad. Drives me bonkers when I never did anything wrong. So--I purpose to make sure that when I do things, that I do what I can to make it less likely to be misconstrued into something negative.

 

[Nancyg56]

I don't like favors so I would never mind not getting one at a wedding. I really do not think anyone needs to announce why there is no faver, just forgo and use the money any way you want.

 

[msjprincess]

My sister did that. She did leave a small box with some chocolates for the guests though.


I really don't remember the wording but she mentioned that they gave a donation to the Lustgarten Foundation in honor of my mother.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Thanks everyone! I am going to stick with my idea on this one. The reason why I asked was b/c I never heard of anyone being offended by something like this. I am just going to do the donation to one of the charity's w/ the cards, how I'll word it, that I'm not sure yet.
I've never been to a wedding that didn't have favors of some sort. I think its just silly to put money into favors that people usually just leave behind or throw away once they get home. The money would be put to better use at a charity.
Thanks! If its tacky then it is what it is I guess.

What if instead of this whole "in lieu of" favors notion--what if you listed it in your wedding program (if you happen to be doing one). Then you could do an "in memory of" and some heartfelt sentiment about how important those friends and family are/were and you wanted to do something in honor/in memory of them?

 

[Desnik]

My sister did this at her wedding. Her husband lost his mother to cancer. They had a small table set up with her picture, a candle and some flowers. Next to it in a frame they had a note stating that in lieu of favors they donated to the cancer society in his mothers name.

For our Vow Renewal at WDW, I didn't want to do favors because I always hated the things I have gotten at weddings. They are usually things that I don't use, would never use or need and they just collect dust or get thrown away. Personally, DH and I will give to our charities of our choice throughout the year and I did not want to do that at our vow renewal. So instead, we had a silhouette artist there to do silhouettes of each of our guests and they took that home as their favor. It was a huge hit and a treasured memory for our guests. If they didn't want to do one of themselves then they had one done of their kids or the whole family together. It was fantastic! Just saying that there are other options besides donations and favors that no one wants or will use.

 

[Hannathy]

wow - I cannot believe that people would rather have a "dust collector" than have a donation made.

really? you actually would be insulted if you didn't walk away with a bag or candy or a wine stopper? You need a "goodie bag" - what are you - 5?

(the "you" I am referring to is not aimed at any particular individual, but those who dislike the idea that a B&G would donate instead of giving them a tchotskie)

Obviously, count me among those who likes the idea of a donation!

What I am Insulted about is that you are calling us 5 when you are the one acting like a 5 yr old and yelling and calling names when you can't be bothered to read the whole thread.

The vast majority are saying we don't care whether we get a favor or not but don't be so tacky as to do it and then say "look at me I"m such a good person, look what I'm doing"
If you want favors have them, if you don't don't, if you want to give a donation do it but don't do it and then scream it from the mountain top! that's tacky. So the "what are you 5" could apply here also. What are you 5 and need somebody to say you are so special and what you did was so wonderful like you do a small child.

I also don't see any of the brides coming on and saying I'm going to put it on my registry that if they want they can give a donation in my name for a charity instead of a gift, OR instead of a bachelorette party or bachelor party we are donating the money. Why not that if the guests are to give up their little gift how about you to?

 

[Ciao Mickey]

What I am Insulted about is that you are calling us 5 when you are the one acting like a 5 yr old and yelling and calling names when you can't be bothered to read the whole thread.

The vast majority are saying we don't care whether we get a favor or not but don't be so tacky as to do it and then say "look at me I"m such a good person, look what I'm doing"
If you want favors have them, if you don't don't, if you want to give a donation do it but don't do it and then scream it from the mountain top! that's tacky. So the "what are you 5" could apply here also. What are you 5 and need somebody to say you are so special and what you did was so wonderful like you do a small child.

I also don't see any of the brides coming on and saying I'm going to put it on my registry that if they want they can give a donation in my name for a charity instead of a gift, OR instead of a bachelorette party or bachelor party we are donating the money. Why not that if the guests are to give up their little gift how about you to?[/QUOTE]


Exactly.

Years ago, it was traditional (at Italian weddings at least) to receive a small bag of Jordan almonds for a *favor* (if you want to call it that). Somehow over the years it morphed into something else. It seemed like some brides tried to outdo others in what they gave as favors. Crazy.

With this whole "in lieu" business, what the bride and groom do not understand is you are making a decision for someone else and that is what doesn't sit well with many people.

It's different if say at a funeral the family asks that *in lieu of flowers, please make a donation to such and such charity." That's not a problem because you have a choice in what you want to do.

I can understand if the bride and groom let it be known that in lieu of a wedding gift you can instead donate to a charity of their choice. But for them to tell you, you are not getting something because they are donating that money instead is not really *kosher* in my book.

 

[minniecarousel]

What I am Insulted about is that you are calling us 5 when you are the one acting like a 5 yr old and yelling and calling names when you can't be bothered to read the whole thread.

The vast majority are saying we don't care whether we get a favor or not but don't be so tacky as to do it and then say "look at me I"m such a good person, look what I'm doing"
If you want favors have them, if you don't don't, if you want to give a donation do it but don't do it and then scream it from the mountain top! that's tacky. So the "what are you 5" could apply here also. What are you 5 and need somebody to say you are so special and what you did was so wonderful like you do a small child.

I also don't see any of the brides coming on and saying I'm going to put it on my registry that if they want they can give a donation in my name for a charity instead of a gift, OR instead of a bachelorette party or bachelor party we are donating the money. Why not that if the guests are to give up their little gift how about you to?

I bolded what I feel is a personal attack. I was very careful not to single anyone out. Obviously, we can agree to disagree. I definitely read the whole thread and it still feels like some people want a door prize. I get that some people feel that a wedding isn't the time or place to make a donation like this. It never occurred to me, in the very few times I witnessed this type of donation, that the B&G were pointing to themselves and saying "aren't we grand".

 

[Ember]

You know, there's quite a bit that couples could forgo in a wedding to donate to charity. A less expensive dress, less flowers, no cake, drive your own car rather than a limo, less time with a photographer, etc. But then each of these things requires an actual sacrifice where the couple does without something in order to support a charity. As pointed out, couples are very unwilling to do this. Just as they are unwilling to request that any gifts be in the form of donations.

So I agree whole heartedly that donating the favor money - part of the wedding budget not spent on the couple - and expecting kudos to abound at their selfless generosity is pretty tacky.

I also don't think believing this makes me 5 years old. I don't want or need a trinket, but I also don't want a disingenuous gesture supposedly made on my behalf that is meant to somehow increase the prestige of the couple for their "generosity."

 

[luvmy3]

Wow I can't believe all the posters here who totally don't get that the bride and groom are not making any donation on your behalf. They are making a donation, period. You just aren't getting your stupid little trinket, period. Maybe this thread is full of 5 year olds .

 

[EMom]

You know, there's quite a bit that couples could forgo in a wedding to donate to charity. A less expensive dress, less flowers, no cake, drive your own car rather than a limo, less time with a photographer, etc. But then each of these things requires an actual sacrifice where the couple does without something in order to support a charity. As pointed out, couples are very unwilling to do this. Just as they are unwilling to request that any gifts be in the form of donations.

So I agree whole heartedly that donating the favor money - part of the wedding budget not spent on the couple - and expecting kudos to abound at their selfless generosity is pretty tacky.

I also don't think believing this makes me 5 years old. I don't want or need a trinket, but I also don't want a disingenuous gesture supposedly made on my behalf that is meant to somehow increase the prestige of the couple for their "generosity."

I haven't read the entire thread, but you summed it up nicely unless.......

They are donating to The Human Fund.

No, really......I don't give a rat's hiney if I get a favor or not. But something about NOT getting a favor and being told a donation was made to X "in lieu of" a favor rubs me the wrong way. If you want to donate money to X, just do it. But when you connect it to deciding to forego favors, it comes off as, "Favors (for our GUESTS) really aren't that important, so we're giving to a charity instead. Mind you, we still want our guests to give us gifts instead of giving a gift to the charity of their choice, but then foregoing wedding gifts would be crazy talk! And God forbid we cut back on the wedding expenses, simplify things and have less than our dream wedding so we could fork over $$$ to that same charity your favor money is going to. I mean, you only get married once. (Well, we hope.) Anyway, just keep in mind it's all about charity. And giving. And sacrifice. Of course, we didn't sacrifice, but it's OUR day, isn't it?"

Granted, that may not be what you intend to convey, but I guarantee you that is what you WILL convey to many of your guests. Not a good move. So why not just forget the favors, give to the charity and skip the big announcement that risks patting yourselves on the back? If it's really all about giving to the charity, you have no need to do the whole "in lieu of" thing and lots of reasons to NOT do it.

 

[allison443]

I wouldn't be "offended" by a donation to charity, I'm all for that!

I have been to plenty of weddings where there was no favor, and nothing was said about the couple did something in lieu of favors. And this is going back years, before the donation idea got popular.
So I guess my point is favors aren't really anything necessary, so giving them up isn't really "giving anything up", kwim?

Like someone else said, I'd be awed by a couple who requested charitable donations in lieu of shower/wedding gifts!

That said, I definitely wouldn't be offended or think it was tacky to make a donation. I think especially when it has a meaning for the couple, like for the OP and her deceased family members, it can be a nice remembrance. Other remembrances I have seen are lighting candles at the ceremony, carrying tiny pictures of deceased grandparents in tiny frames in the bride's bouquet, and placing flowers at a church statue in memory of a deceased person.