Weddings: In Lieu of Favors; a donation. What do you think?

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Did you opt for donations to MAW in lieu of gifts?

We did not ask for gifts, period. Actually we specifically put "please no gifts" on our invites. We registered for a bridal shower because people pretty much demanded we do so. We registered for things like spatulas and cheap wine glasses from target. Believe it or not, not everyone treats a wedding like a gift grab.

 

[tlbwriter]

I am guessing some of you would have an issue with a birthday party dd is attending this weekend.

The mother of the birthday child normally goes waaaaayyy out for parties. This year, she and her child decided that they could donate some of that money to a charity of the child's choosing. So, the mother has toned the party way done and is having it at a local laser tag place. Probably cutting the cost of the party in half.

There will be limited food--only what is provided by the laser tag place. (she usually provides a buffet of food and snacks) and no party favors.

All of the saved cost will go to the charity and this was all told in the invitation.

We thought is was great.

That's not the same thing. It would only be the same if she threw the same big party but skipped the goody bags and provided a note saying the goody bag budget had been donated to charity. I think downsizing parties and giving to charity instead is a good thing. I think downsizing receptions and giving to charity instead would be a good thing too. But no one is suggesting that. No one seems to be willing to downsize the food, the alcohol, the flowers, the music, etc., in order to give to a worthy cause. So it's really quite different from the party you describe.

And I still seeing nothing wrong with this bride donating the money and having a small announcment card on the tables. If she didn't have the card someone would say "I guess she was too cheap to buy favors" or some such nonsense.

So it's better to do something that many people will consider tacky than to offend a few people who really are tacky? Because that's a really tacky thing for anyone to say.

But again, since none of the pro-lieuers will address this point... why the favors? Why not the centerpieces or the limo or the honeymoon?

 

[wvjules]

I am guessing some of you would have an issue with a birthday party dd is attending this weekend.

The mother of the birthday child normally goes waaaaayyy out for parties. This year, she and her child decided that they could donate some of that money to a charity of the child's choosing. So, the mother has toned the party way done and is having it at a local laser tag place. Probably cutting the cost of the party in half.

There will be limited food--only what is provided by the laser tag place. (she usually provides a buffet of food and snacks) and no party favors.

All of the saved cost will go to the charity and this was all told in the invitation.

We thought is was great.



And I still seeing nothing wrong with this bride donating the money and having a small announcment card on the tables. If she didn't have the card someone would say "I guess she was too cheap to buy favors" or some such nonsense. I think a candle on the table with a framed card that reads: "In honor of our loved one xxxxxx, we have foregone favors and given a donation to the xxxxxx Foundation"

Their guests "traditions"? Really? So now a stale pack of almonds is a "tradition"?

I couldn't think of a better word to use but yes, I'd say wedding favors are a tradition of sorts.

It even fits within the definition of "tradition".

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/tradition

tra·di·tion   /trəˈdɪʃən/ Show Spelled
[truh-dish-uhn] Show IPA

–noun
1. the handing down of statements, beliefs, legends, customs, information, etc., from generation to generation, especially by word of mouth or by practice: a story that has come down to us by popular tradition. 2. something that is handed down: the traditions of the Eskimos.
3. a long-established or inherited way of thinking or acting: The rebellious students wanted to break with tradition. 4. a continuing pattern of culture beliefs or practices.
5. a customary or characteristic method or manner: The winner took a victory lap in the usual track tradition. 6. Theology .
a. (among Jews) body of laws and doctrines, or any one of them, held to have been received from Moses and originally handed down orally from generation to generation.
b. (among Christians) a body of teachings, or any one of them, held to have been delivered by Christ and His apostles but not originally committed to writing.
c. (among Muslims) a hadith.
7. Law . an act of handing over something to another, especially in a formal legal manner; delivery; transfer.

 

[luvsJack]

For the birthday party you mentioned, did they request donations instead of gifts for the birthday child? My dd went to a few like that. I thought it was very nice and generous of the child. Of course some people would probably think that was rude because you aren't supposed to "expect" a gift.

Well, actually I don't know. Hmm. I will have to check the invitation when I get home! Its a niece that is very close to my dd so we will get her something either way. If she asked for donations for gifts, we will give her a donation at the party and then a little "happy" the next day.

We were just so amazed at the decision to cut the cost of the party to do this that I didn't even think about gifts.

And that last statement is EXACTLY right!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I am guessing some of you would have an issue with a birthday party dd is attending this weekend.

The mother of the birthday child normally goes waaaaayyy out for parties. This year, she and her child decided that they could donate some of that money to a charity of the child's choosing. So, the mother has toned the party way done and is having it at a local laser tag place. Probably cutting the cost of the party in half.

There will be limited food--only what is provided by the laser tag place. (she usually provides a buffet of food and snacks) and no party favors.

All of the saved cost will go to the charity and this was all told in the invitation.

We thought is was great.



And I still seeing nothing wrong with this bride donating the money and having a small announcment card on the tables. If she didn't have the card someone would say "I guess she was too cheap to buy favors" or some such nonsense. I think a candle on the table with a framed card that reads: "In honor of our loved one xxxxxx, we have foregone favors and given a donation to the xxxxxx Foundation"

Their guests "traditions"? Really? So now a stale pack of almonds is a "tradition"?

Do you really not see the difference between cutting WAYYYYY DOWN and eliminating a bag of candy?

You are deliberately being obtuse to paint others with some evil brush.


Let's pretend the budget is $10,000 for OP's wedding....and she has 100 guests, and she opts to not spend $3 pp on whatever favor she planned, thus saving the $300 for charity. She cut her wedding budget by a whopping 3% to accomplish this.

Contrast that with your friend. If she is a great deal more extravagent and opted to give her guests a good time for much less, it shows that she truly understands the spirit of sacrifice. I'm sure she trimmed more than 3% of her budget and that the guest of honor sacrificed some of his/her own fun to truly give to others by way of charity.

The whole notion that people prefer the candy is ridiculous.

 

[tlbwriter]

EVERY SINGLE PERSON at your wedding isn't going to agree on anything. You can't make everyone happy. As proven on this thread people can get silly about the dumbest things.

Definitely proven. But that's exactly why it's silly (and, um WRONG) to claim that EVERYONE thought it was a great idea.

Just because an announcement is made doesn't mean anyone is trying to say "look what I did". Its just to let them know WHY there are no favors on the tables. If you took away the flowers, wouldn't you want to let people know in some way WHY? Same thing.

Its an explantion not a brag.

It's not anything that needs to be explained. And if you're really concerned that people will wonder where their favors are, why don't you give them the favors and take the money out of a different part of your wedding budget? No one is going to know how much you spent on your honeymoon, so why not cut that budget a little bit? Seems like a much easier solution. But again, this is something that no one is willing to answer.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

EVERY SINGLE PERSON at your wedding isn't going to agree on anything. You can't make everyone happy. As proven on this thread people can get silly about the dumbest things.

Just because an announcement is made doesn't mean anyone is trying to say "look what I did". Its just to let them know WHY there are no favors on the tables. If you took away the flowers, wouldn't you want to let people know in some way WHY? Same thing.

Its an explantion not a brag.

No--when I had my wedding, it was not up to me to explain the presence or absence of things.

We altered our wedding ceremony even. I had a reason--but I felt no need to explain it to anyone. (Going in to what I did would tread into breaking DIS rules territory, so I will not be sharing. I hope that folks understand.)

 

[luvsJack]

Do you really not see the difference between cutting WAYYYYY DOWN and eliminating a bag of candy?

You are deliberately being obtuse to paint others with some evil brush.


Let's pretend the budget is $10,000 for OP's wedding....and she has 100 guests, and she opts to not spend $3 pp on whatever favor she planned, thus saving the $300 for charity. She cut her wedding budget by a whopping 3% to accomplish this.

Contrast that with your friend. If she is a great deal more extravagent and opted to give her guests a good time for much less, it shows that she truly understands the spirit of sacrifice. I'm sure she trimmed more than 3% of her budget and that the guest of honor sacrificed some of his/her own fun to truly give to others by way of charity.

The whole notion is ridiculous.

I was not being anything or trying to paint anyone as evil, just telling of another event that is dropping those "lovely" favors.

Actually, has the OP even come back and said what she was going to do? Maybe they ARE cutting the budget? Maybe they are already on a shoestring budget and the favors was something they could cut and still have a wedding.

Giving a donation instead of buying stupid little packs of candy or almonds is a nice thing to do whether it is $300 or $3000. And putting a card on a table to tell about it is NOT bragging. Its just telling. I just cannot figure out why so many have such a problem with it.

I just do not see going to a wedding and seeing there are no little white candy packs or little white matchbooks and in their place is a nice little note about a donation to "Make A Wish" (or ANY other organization) and saying "HOW RUDE!". Nope. Just can't see it.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I am guessing some of you would have an issue with a birthday party dd is attending this weekend.

The mother of the birthday child normally goes waaaaayyy out for parties. This year, she and her child decided that they could donate some of that money to a charity of the child's choosing. So, the mother has toned the party way done and is having it at a local laser tag place. Probably cutting the cost of the party in half.

There will be limited food--only what is provided by the laser tag place. (she usually provides a buffet of food and snacks) and no party favors.

All of the saved cost will go to the charity and this was all told in the invitation.
We thought is was great.

I'd be hard-pressed not to send my child (if I had one) to the party with a card stating that I thought her idea of selflessly giving to that charity was so wonderful that I donated the cost of the birthday child's present to the same charity in that child's name.

 

[wvjules]

I was not being anything or trying to paint anyone as evil, just telling of another event that is dropping those "lovely" favors.

Actually, has the OP even come back and said what she was going to do? Maybe they ARE cutting the budget? Maybe they are already on a shoestring budget and the favors was something they could cut and still have a wedding.Giving a donation instead of buying stupid little packs of candy or almonds is a nice thing to do whether it is $300 or $3000. And putting a card on a table to tell about it is NOT bragging. Its just telling. I just cannot figure out why so many have such a problem with it.

I just do not see going to a wedding and seeing there are no little white candy packs or little white matchbooks and in their place is a nice little note about a donation to "Make A Wish" (or ANY other organization) and saying "HOW RUDE!". Nope. Just can't see it.

Then how does that work with taking the money that was supposed to be budgeted for favors and donating it to charity?

 

[luvsJack]

Definitely proven. But that's exactly why it's silly (and, um WRONG) to claim that EVERYONE thought it was a great idea.



It's not anything that needs to be explained. And if you're really concerned that people will wonder where their favors are, why don't you give them the favors and take the money out of a different part of your wedding budget? No one is going to know how much you spent on your honeymoon, so why not cut that budget a little bit? Seems like a much easier solution. But again, this is something that no one is willing to answer.

Why? Why would it be necessary to take the money from somewhere else that may be harder to cut just so you can supply Great Aunt Sally that thinks she wrote Emily Post a flippin' pack of M&M's? As is evident here on the DIS people get their panties in a wad over some really dumb things so an explanation is helpful. But, I would see no need in having to please everyone. I would put the card to explain to those who would question and wouldn't give it another thought.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I was not being anything or trying to paint anyone as evil, just telling of another event that is dropping those "lovely" favors.

Actually, has the OP even come back and said what she was going to do? Maybe they ARE cutting the budget? Maybe they are already on a shoestring budget and the favors was something they could cut and still have a wedding.

Giving a donation instead of buying stupid little packs of candy or almonds is a nice thing to do whether it is $300 or $3000. And putting a card on a table to tell about it is NOT bragging. Its just telling. I just cannot figure out why so many have such a problem with it.

I just do not see going to a wedding and seeing there are no little white candy packs or little white matchbooks and in their place is a nice little note about a donation to "Make A Wish" (or ANY other organization) and saying "HOW RUDE!". Nope. Just can't see it.

Yes she did.,..quite a long time ago.

She is going to do what she is going to do and if folks find it tacky, she will let the chips fall where they may.

And for the thousandth time....the words "in lieu of" are the issue. Eliminate those and you greatly increase the chance that folks will truly believe your donation was charitable rather than a matter of convenience.

And before you wonder..how or why folks could possibly misconstrue that as rude....

I'll tell you.

There are true givers and then there are check-list types. True givers, give from the heart. The check-list types, do it for social reasons only. It makes them look good.

You cannot deny that those folks exist. So instead of giving folks the opportunity to misunderstand your intentions, it is up to you to be cognizant of how something might come across. Always. That is what etiquette is.

I have one of those folks in my life. Though over the years, they do seem to be improving with age. But they always seemed to have token moments. Something they could check off of their list that makes them look good. Those are irritating regardless of the cause.

The presence or absence of an almond has nothing to do with etiquette.


And it would be rude to say "How Rude". If we go through life ignoring the fact that folks might think what we do is rude, then it is more likely that we will cause offense even if we did not intend to do so.

That is why "IN MEMORY OF" is so much better. Why must folks insist on "in lieu of" just because they can? It is ridiculous.

 

[luvsJack]

No--when I had my wedding, it was not up to me to explain the presence or absence of things.

We altered our wedding ceremony even. I had a reason--but I felt no need to explain it to anyone. (Going in to what I did would tread into breaking DIS rules territory, so I will not be sharing. I hope that folks understand.)

The key word in your post is "OUR" wedding. The OP is doing something in HER wedding and she may feel differently than you. Maybe she has relatives that think favors are the "proper" thing to do.

I'd be hard-pressed not to send my child (if I had one) to the party with a card stating that I thought her idea of selflessly giving to that charity was so wonderful that I donated the cost of the birthday child's present to the same charity in that child's name.

Yes that would be the non-tacky thing to do

 

[sparklynails23]

We did not ask for gifts, period. Actually we specifically put "please no gifts" on our invites. We registered for a bridal shower because people pretty much demanded we do so. We registered for things like spatulas and cheap wine glasses from target. Believe it or not, not everyone treats a wedding like a gift grab.

You could have returned the gifts and donated the money to sick children. I'm sure that you don't value spatulas and wine glasses more than the lives of sick kids.

I'm of the opinion that "in lieu of" donations are tacky.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I just do not see going to a wedding and seeing there are no little white candy packs or little white matchbooks and in their place is a nice little note about a donation to "Make A Wish" (or ANY other organization) and saying "HOW RUDE!". Nope. Just can't see it.

Actually, I'd never, ever, under any circumstance, insult my host by saying, "HOW RUDE" to their face. I have better manners than that.

However, it would raise my eyebrows and I'd probably note to myself that the family has self-centered, braggish tendencies and lacked breeding. It would lower my opinion of the family in general because I would see that the parents not only didn't do a very good job of instilling good taste and ettiquette in their children, but they've approved of the way the guests were dismissed by not following a tradition.

I might mention the incident to my friends, family, or coworkers, but I'd never, EVER, be rude to a host at a function like a wedding. I'd also never tell them to their faces what I thought of their action (or inaction).

That would denote my own lack of breeding.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Why? Why would it be necessary to take the money from somewhere else that may be harder to cut just so you can supply Great Aunt Sally that thinks she wrote Emily Post a flippin' pack of M&M's? As is evident here on the DIS people get their panties in a wad over some really dumb things so an explanation is helpful. But, I would see no need in having to please everyone. I would put the card to explain to those who would question and wouldn't give it another thought.

That is the problem of the person and their panties.

Sometimes, we over-explain ourselves when it isn't necessary.

Panty wad person will now have a double wedging that they didn't get their dang M&M's.

"In lieu of Coke, only Pepsi will be served"
"In lieu of Top shelf spirits, only call brand will be served"
"In lieu of Vera Wang, the Bride is wearing a clearance gown from David's Bridal"
"In lieu of a limo, the Bride and Groom have opted to rent a car" (We did this, and folks wondered, but it was none of their business--they weren't riding in the car!)
"In lieu of a ceremony here, we opted for a ceremony there"
"In lieu of invitations, we saved trees and e-mailed instead"


Why this compelling need to explain the absence of things for guests who feel that they have more say than they actually do in what has been provided?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

The key word in your post is "OUR" wedding. The OP is doing something in HER wedding and she may feel differently than you. Maybe she has relatives that think favors are the "proper" thing to do.



Yes that would be the non-tacky thing to do

Well, you asked and she asked....

If a bride and groom are confident in their decisions--they don't need to ask people if they owe explanations to their guests.

We are talking in circles here.

 

[luvsJack]

Yes she did.,..quite a long time ago.

She is going to do what she is going to do and if folks find it tacky, she will let the chips fall where they may.

And for the thousandth time....the words "in lieu of" are the issue. Eliminate those and you greatly increase the chance that folks will truly believe your donation was charitable rather than a matter of convenience.

And before you wonder..how or why folks could possibly misconstrue that as rude....

I'll tell you.

There are true givers and then there are check-list types. True givers, give from the heart. The check-list types, do it for social reasons only. It makes them look good.

You cannot deny that those folks exist. So instead of giving folks the opportunity to misunderstand your intentions, it is up to you to be cognizant of how something might come across. Always. That is what etiquette is.

I have one of those folks in my life. Though over the years, they do seem to be improving with age. But they always seemed to have token moments. Something they could check off of their list that makes them look good. Those are irritating regardless of the cause.

The presence or absence of an almond has nothing to do with etiquette.


And it would be rude to say "How Rude". If we go through life ignoring the fact that folks might think what we do is rude, then it is more likely that we will cause offense even if we did not intend to do so.

That is why "IN MEMORY OF" is so much better. Why must folks insist on "in lieu of" just because they can? It is ridiculous.

Everyone keeps going on and on about it being "tacky"--that is where the etiquette came in.

We cannot go through life worrying about what every person in every situation thinks either.

She can use the words "in memory of" or "in honor of" and still state that they made the decision to do this instead of buying favors.

I refuse to spend my time concerning myself whether others think I give from the heart or for social reasons. That is between me and my God.

If someone wants to look at what someone has given and try to sit and judge WHY that person gave--they are the one's in the wrong, not the giver. I only see the cards as a way to explain what was done, not to ask for someone's approval.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Yes that would be the non-tacky thing to do

Hey, if you want kudos for sacrificing for charity, then let's sacrifice for charity. You said the child thought it was a good idea to cut the budget and donate it to charity, but what was really being cut was the comfort and expenses for the guests. The child was sacrificing nothing.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Everyone keeps going on and on about it being "tacky"--that is where the etiquette came in.

We cannot go through life worrying about what every person in every situation thinks either.

She can use the words "in memory of" or "in honor of" and still state that they made the decision to do this instead of buying favors.

I refuse to spend my time concerning myself whether others think I give from the heart or for social reasons.

If that were the case--then the answer to her original question of what about people who will think the favors are missing....

was just summed up nicely by you rendering the cards explaining their absence unnecessary.