Weddings: In Lieu of Favors; a donation. What do you think?

[GinnyEmma]

You know. A friend was telling me last week that I don't accept compliments well. That I need to learn to just say "thank You" without trying to diminsh what they are saying. I guess this is an example of what she was talking about, so I will just say a very sincere Thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate them.

good for you.

 

[bgirldeb]

Miss Manners puts it in a very delicate way that I agree with.

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/life/dailycols/5595944.html

Dear Miss Manners:
I will be getting married in a few months' time and have been having a hard time picking out wedding favors within our budget that will make it farther than the garbage can once our guests return home.
We have allotted $1 to $2 per guest. Our gift budget does not lack as a result of money being improperly allocated; we have needed to find many ways to cut corners.
My fiance and I have thought to instead donate the money to an organization that does research on a terminal illness to which we lost his mother a couple of years ago.
Do you think that our guests would appreciate the sentiment or be miffed that they were not given individual gifts? Would we be better off giving each guest some cookies or candies?
Gentle Reader:
Who told you that you had to give out wedding favors? Etiquette has never thought of weddings as comparable to children's birthday parties, where the guests might need consolation for not being the center of attention.
Donating money for medical research is a fine idea, if you can manage it, and Miss Manners commends you. But it has nothing to do with your wedding guests. It cannot be construed as any sort of favor to them.
You owe them only the hospitality of the occasion. Drawing attention to your having considered, and then decided against, giving them little presents will not strike them as charming.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

I am guessing some of you would have an issue with a birthday party dd is attending this weekend.

The mother of the birthday child normally goes waaaaayyy out for parties. This year, she and her child decided that they could donate some of that money to a charity of the child's choosing. So, the mother has toned the party way done and is having it at a local laser tag place. Probably cutting the cost of the party in half.

There will be limited food--only what is provided by the laser tag place. (she usually provides a buffet of food and snacks) and no party favors.

All of the saved cost will go to the charity and this was all told in the invitation.

We thought is was great.



And I still seeing nothing wrong with this bride donating the money and having a small announcment card on the tables. If she didn't have the card someone would say "I guess she was too cheap to buy favors" or some such nonsense. I think a candle on the table with a framed card that reads: "In honor of our loved one xxxxxx, we have foregone favors and given a donation to the xxxxxx Foundation"

Their guests "traditions"? Really? So now a stale pack of almonds is a "tradition"?

Why does the mother have to announce to the world how wonderful and thoughtful she is because she's donating money to a charity? Why does anyone have to know this?

Is it mandatory in your social circle to spend X amount on a child's birthday party each year? I don't get it. It's nobody's business but mine if I have a birthday for my kid and how much I spend on the party. I wouldn't go around telling people I'm cutting back and giving what I would have spent to charity. Who would care?

Why not forgo the party all together and donate all the money to a charity and not tell anyone you are doing it? Why does anyone have to know what you do or how much you give?

It all goes back to tooting your own horn and letting everyone know how great and generous you are!

I'm waiting for the day when I receive a non-invitation in the mail.

"You would have been cordially invited to attend _____, however, we have chosen instead to donate all of the money to XXX charity in lieu of spending the money to celebrate the occasion with you. Although optional, gifts will still be appreciated."

 

[Ciao Mickey]

If you don't tell everyone, then no one will know how generous, selfless, and socially aware you are. Don't you do good deeds so you can brag about them later?! I mean, just the other day I donated to the Food Bank. Aren't you in awe of me??

 

[luvsJack]

Why does the mother have to announce to the world how wonderful and thoughtful she is because she's donating money to a charity? Why does anyone have to know this?

Is it mandatory in your social circle to spend X amount on a child's birthday party each year? I don't get it. It's nobody's business but mine if I have a birthday for my kid and how much I spend on the party. I wouldn't go around telling people I'm cutting back and giving what I would have spent to charity. Who would care?

Why not forgo the party all together and donate all the money to a charity and not tell anyone you are doing it? Why does anyone have to know what you do or how much you give?

It all goes back to tooting your own horn and letting everyone know how great and generous you are!

I'm waiting for the day when I receive a non-invitation in the mail.

"You would have been cordially invited to attend _____, however, we have chosen instead to donate all of the money to XXX charity in lieu of spending the money to celebrate the occasion with you. Although optional, gifts will still be appreciated."

You would have to know the people concerned and the party that is normally held to understand.

They are not "tooting their own horn", these are not the kind of people to to that and they are truly the kind to give from the heart totally.

The parties this mother normally holds are not just "a party" but true social occaisions that get a large number of family members and far strewn friends together. They are normally at her home and include quite a bit of food, games, rental jumpers, etc. And the parties are normally for both of her children. THIS child wanted to do this and so that was what was decided. She is giving up the large party that is normally held and probably money that she would have received as a gift. And, I checked the invite, it has the website that you can go to to make a donation also.

Why not forgo the party? Well, knowing this mom, it is important to her that the day of her child's birth be celebrated in some way and I feel pretty sure that she will be giving way more than the amount saved on the party. This is something of the child's choosing and so that is what they are doing.

Sometimes its just information, not bragging. If someone feels it is bragging, well, in this case, that would be their issue not that of this child or her mother.

BTW, this same mother and child actually went to El Salvador on a mission trip and personally gave to the people there and this is an extension of that.

Personally, I wouldn't announce the decision to change a party but then dd's party are more of the "group of girls at a waterpark" type of celebrations. Not really something that someone is going to say "HEY! We didn't get our invite!"

Edited to add: Her other child is having a party too. He is having a rather large, very special for a young boy type of party. Not sure if he didn't want to give up anything or if maybe they are waiting until he gets a little older and understands more--just not sure.

 

[TwinsinCA]

You would have to know the people concerned and the party that is normally held to understand.

They are not "tooting their own horn", these are not the kind of people to to that and they are truly the kind to give from the heart totally.

Why not forgo the party? Well, knowing this mom, it is important to her that the day of her child's birth be celebrated in some way

Then you have a different definition of "tooting your own horn" than myself and others do. IMO she absolutely is tooting her own horn by scaling back the party and *telling* everyone why. That is tacky with a capital T.

It is important to me that I celebrate my children's birth as well. I get that. But I do not understand the need to make it a spectacle and invite every far flung friend and relative we have to celebrate. I am getting a lot of "me me me" vibes from what you have said about this family.

 

[luvsJack]

Then you have a different definition of "tooting your own horn" than myself and others do. IMO she absolutely is tooting her own horn by scaling back the party and *telling* everyone why. That is tacky with a capital T.

It is important to me that I celebrate my children's birth as well. I get that. But I do not understand the need to make it a spectacle and invite every far flung friend and relative we have to celebrate. I am getting a lot of "me me me" vibes from what you have said about this family.

Like, I said you would have to know them. What you are saying could not be further from the truth.

"Me, me, me"? Nope. Not a chance. She works very hard and lots of long hours to provide for her family. She has health problems that causes a need for lots of meds but she still gave up Christmas dinner to help serve those less fortunate. She collects items for our church's mission trips, took her child on a mission trip that included giving Christmas gifts. I can 100% guarantee you that her problem would be quite the opposite of "me, me, me".

She made a statement on an invitation. She told what her child had chosen and why they would be changing the usual big celebration. It was information only.

If you choose to feel that someone is bragging every time they tell you something, that of course is your choice. I know better.

There is nothing about this young mother that is tacky. Nothing.

 

[Cooky]

.

 

[Carly_Roach]

"Me, me, me"? Nope. Not a chance. She works very hard
lots of long hours to provide for her family
She has health problems that causes a need for lots of meds
she still gave up Christmas dinner to help serve those less fortunate
She collects items for our church's mission trips
Took her child on a mission trip that included giving Christmas gifts

I can 100% guarantee you that her problem would be quite the opposite of "me, me, me".

And you know all this about her because.....

...maybe she talks about all the selfless giving she does all the time?

I don't know. Maybe there's too much Quaker blood in me. But it's always been my raising and my personal belief that good works are those that are done without expecting or accepting of public acknowledgement of those good works. As I've said ad nauseum here and elsewhere: once your donation has been acknowledged or once you publicize your donation (or good works), you're contributing to charity no longer. Now you've made a purchase.

I'm vaguely remembering a time when I was very small - maybe 6 or 7 years old? - when my grandmother was told that a large endowment she'd given to her church was going to be publicized in that week's bulletin. She warned them repeatedly that if they did that she'd resign her membership. But they wanted to "honor" her anyway, dispite her vehement and adamant wishes that she be kept anonymous.

They announced it anyway and everyone was so admiring and congratulatory. Wasn't she wonderful to cap off the fund drive that way? What a wonderful and dedicated church member she was! She told us afterward that it was one of the worst humiliations of her life. She felt dirty as though she'd bought everyone's good will and that if she thought they'd announce it like that she'd have never given the money to them.

She resigned her membership the next day and never went back.

When she passed, her new church in another city did the service and received quite a large honorarium from her estate. The old church where she'd gone most of her life got nothing.

In keeping with her wishes, her new church never publicly acknowledged that honorarium, although they tried to in private once with my father. He held with his Mother's teachings and asked that they not thank him or let anyone else know about the endowment. It just wasn't our way.

Acts of good works need to be done "under cover of night" or they're not acts of good works; they're just vanity.

So maybe it's just me and the way I was raised, but maybe that story might explain to anyone who cares why I consider publicity about donations and charities to be incredibly gauche and tasteless.

 

[luvsJack]

But what if the reason that they decided not to have such a big party this year was because of another reason such as loss of income; some unexpected big expenses (new heating system, new automobile, etc.) or they simply decided not to spend a great deal of money on birthday celebrations anymore. Would they need to have listed any other reason for not having as big a party as last year? Would it really be anyone's business? Not all information needs to be shared.

I don't know what they would have done if there had been other reasons. Like I said, the parties I give dd are not on a scale that would need any explaining. It wasn't done in a way that was bragging or anything.

And you know all this about her because.....

...maybe she talks about all the selfless giving she does all the time?

Hardly. If I open my door and yell, she can hear me. She lives right next door and we go to the same church so I see the things that she does. Her dd tells my dd (they talk every day) about collecting shoes for Peru or when they were collecting things for El Salvador. (again, not bragging, just talking).

She isn't trying to get any recognition for anything. Nor does she want her dd to get recognition.

She did tell us about the El Salvador trip. When they got back they were just bubbling with excitement about the trip. Not "look what we did" but "look what we experienced". They felt as blessed by the people of that country as they intended to be for those people.

Our church would never think of publishing who gave what or did what. Thats not what doing good works is all about. But its not like she can run around in a disguise and the church just is not that big.


DD attended the party today. It included about 1/4 of the kids normally invited (and no parents included) and they all had a ball. When I dropped dd off, I noticed that there were a few small gifts (more what we call "happies"). So I am assuming everyone donated in her name. DD did and we have a gift for her also that we will give to her tomorrow.