Random Question about # of kids and gifts

[MomToOne]

I have an only, but buy for 2 nephews (both in the same family). I have no problem with it - I love them, and want to give them a present. It's not about getting an even exchange, it's about gifting the people that are important in my life.

Several of my siblings have no children. If anyone had a gripe, it'd be them, because they have to buy for 3 and get "nothing" in return. Except love - which is what it is really about after all

We also don't worry in our family about things having to be even monetarily. You buy based on what you can afford. It's not an accounting exercise.

Now, outside of the family is a slightly different story. I have various kids I "have" to buy for that I don't really have a relationship with. I'd rather not do it, but it is what it is and not doing it could cause some bad feelings - buying a few inexpensive presents is worth the cost of avoiding that. I bargin shop on those to the max, trying to find items that are good match to the child but are inexpensive. I put some thought into the gifts, but I'll be honest and say not NEARLY as much thought I put into my nephews presents. But it's still not an exercise in trying to make things even between the families - each family does what they can and we don't keep tabs.

 

[cari12]

Another observation - When did this all start? Why do we all nowadays have the "obligation" to buy for our entire extended family! When I was a kid, we got stuff from our parents/santa and my grandmother gave us pyjamas and slippers at Christmas and that's it. My aunts and uncles did not give gifts to all the kids (or the adults). People say kids grow up too entitled and have way too many material things these days and yet we still have these types of "modern" Christmas traditions. It's crazy!
Now don't get me wrong - I love to give. I also believe that giving should be based on what's in your heart and how much you can afford, not steeped into the family tradition and leading to people being petty about dollar amounts. That being said, I do follow DH's family wishes and we buy for everyone in his family -they would not have it any other way. We also give to the Christmas charities every year to help brighten the day for someone less fortunate.

 

[budbeerlady]

Another observation - When did this all start? Why do we all nowadays have the "obligation" to buy for our entire extended family! When I was a kid, we got stuff from our parents/santa and my grandmother gave us pyjamas and slippers at Christmas and that's it. My aunts and uncles did not give gifts to all the kids (or the adults).

We also give to the Christmas charities every year to help brighten the day for someone less fortunate.

You are right, it was a couple of things from my parents and an new outfit from my Grandparent's on my Mom's side until you turned 12. Then it was just my parents. I don't know "when" it changed, maybe when people started to feel prosperous?

 

[MomToOne]

Another observation - When did this all start? Why do we all nowadays have the "obligation" to buy for our entire extended family! When I was a kid, we got stuff from our parents/santa and my grandmother gave us pyjamas and slippers at Christmas and that's it. My aunts and uncles did not give gifts to all the kids (or the adults).

When I was a child, we sometimes got gifts from some of my aunts and uncles, sometimes not. But we were more distant from them and the families were MUCH larger. We did not see them on any sort of a regular basis because travelling was more difficult and proportionally more expensive. There are some aunts and uncles I don't remember ever meeting.

Today, families are often smaller and see each other more often because long-distance travel is easier. As such I believe there tends to be a "tighter" feeling between aunts-uncles-nieces-nephews. And I try to be a fixture in my nephew's lives much more than my aunts and uncles did. For both them, and for me. I like the feeling of having more family connections like that. And since I have a connection with them, I buy Christmas gifts for my nephews just as I do my daughter.

 

[luvmy3]

Another observation - When did this all start? Why do we all nowadays have the "obligation" to buy for our entire extended family! When I was a kid, we got stuff from our parents/santa and my grandmother gave us pyjamas and slippers at Christmas and that's it. My aunts and uncles did not give gifts to all the kids (or the adults). People say kids grow up too entitled and have way too many material things these days and yet we still have these types of "modern" Christmas traditions. It's crazy!
Now don't get me wrong - I love to give. I also believe that giving should be based on what's in your heart and how much you can afford, not steeped into the family tradition and leading to people being petty about dollar amounts. That being said, I do follow DH's family wishes and we buy for everyone in his family -they would not have it any other way. We also give to the Christmas charities every year to help brighten the day for someone less fortunate.

Growing up I always got gifts from my aunts and uncles, my dh did too. This isn't new for us.

 

[tinker&belle]

We exchange with my cousin who has three (we have two). I always felt like three were a lot to buy for, but it makes me glad I don't have to do christmas morning for three more than anything!

We buy for my Niece whose parents never buy for my girls, but I would never dream of not buying for her.

 

[Donnainnj]

We always had this with my DH's side with our kids much younger then the rest of the gang. My thinking was that I still had it better as I was only giving gifts to these extra kids, not supporting them. Oh and by the way they decided to stop buying for cousins right after my first was about 2 or 3yrs old. The grandparents buy for all the grands, and the parents bring a gift for their own children.
Donna

As I was working on my holiday shopping list today, this situation occurred to me. I have an only child. In my DH's family there are 7 children (niece, nephew, and 2nd cousins) that we buy gifts for. They are from three families. So, I buy 7 gifts and my kid receives 3. It doesn't matter to me, he certainly gets enough gifts over the holidays, but it does sometimes irk me that I shell out all that money for gifts for all these kids! Technically if each KID bought each other kid a gift it would be equal, but since they essentially give as a family, it doesn't work out that way. Maybe I should suggest starting a kid pollyanna so we give and get one gift. How does your family handle gifts among cousins (in this case, under 18 years old)?

 

[dogluva]

As I was working on my holiday shopping list today, this situation occurred to me. I have an only child. In my DH's family there are 7 children (niece, nephew, and 2nd cousins) that we buy gifts for. They are from three families. So, I buy 7 gifts and my kid receives 3. It doesn't matter to me, he certainly gets enough gifts over the holidays, but it does sometimes irk me that I shell out all that money for gifts for all these kids! Technically if each KID bought each other kid a gift it would be equal, but since they essentially give as a family, it doesn't work out that way. Maybe I should suggest starting a kid pollyanna so we give and get one gift. How does your family handle gifts among cousins (in this case, under 18 years old)?

Yes you should because, even though you say it doesn't matter to you, obviously it does since it "irks" you so much to shell out all that money for all those kids!

Well I have to admit this post irks me since I have six kids. I don't care who buys, doesn't buy for my kids. Do it if you want otherwise don't. They don't need your gifts if you are resentful. A gift is suppossed to given because you want to, especially at Christmas. If anyone felt that shelling out money for my kids was a burden I would tell them not to bother. However, I would still give because I want to and it makes me and my family happy.

 

[NotUrsula]

Another observation - When did this all start? Why do we all nowadays have the "obligation" to buy for our entire extended family! When I was a kid, we got stuff from our parents/santa and my grandmother gave us pyjamas and slippers at Christmas and that's it. My aunts and uncles did not give gifts to all the kids (or the adults). People say kids grow up too entitled and have way too many material things these days and yet we still have these types of "modern" Christmas traditions. It's crazy!
Now don't get me wrong - I love to give. I also believe that giving should be based on what's in your heart and how much you can afford, not steeped into the family tradition and leading to people being petty about dollar amounts. That being said, I do follow DH's family wishes and we buy for everyone in his family -they would not have it any other way. We also give to the Christmas charities every year to help brighten the day for someone less fortunate.

We have always bought for all of the children in the family. We used to buy for adult siblings and their spouses, too, but there are some folks who have fallen on hard times and so we have discontinued that part, but the kids all still get their gifts. If anyone is short on money they are welcome to pool their funds for a gift, it happens all the time. The kids don't count their gifts, they just enjoy them. However, I really don't care much for "family" gifts given to children. If you want to give those, address them to the parents; for a kid, opening the package is at least half the fun, so give each child something to open, at least. (Kids get gifts from adults until they graduate from HS; at that point they are expected to start gifting to the younger kids, too. Sometimes they just give a box of cookies or a pack of candy -- not a problem.)

You know, the fun quotient of a gift is not equal to its monetary cost. There are lots of cheap hit toys and a lot of expensive duds. Put some thought into it, buy the kid a fun gift and it will be appreciated.

I should point out that when we were kids, our parents gave us the same number of gifts as our relatives did: one. It is not like we had a pile from the parents. I don't remember counting, but on average I would guess that I probably got about 5-6 gifts most years.

 

[Robinrs]

I look at it like this. I love each of my neices and nephews as individuals. And as such I buy them a gift based on that fact. I really dislike the mentality that arises during the holidays that gift giving includes a tally sheet. And I prefer to give gifts when my heart directs me to do so. You say that it doesnt matter to you but yet you say that it sometimes irks you that your buying so many gifts. I think that it does bother you on some level. The kids pollyanna might be a good solution for your family. Im sure that the gift buyers in your family might be relieved to shop for fewer presents this year. And the children might actually enjoy it. If it doesnt go over well then you can return to buying individual gifts in the future but place a dollar limit per family. Or buying family gifts as previous posters have suggested.

Wow, I was beginning to think I was strange!

My youngest nephew was 18 when my son was born, so I had years of giving gifts to all of my nieces and nephews before he was able to receive one. It was not about the tally, it was my nieces and nephews, I gave gifts because I loved them and still do.

BTW, my oldest nephew remembers EVERY gift I ever gave him to this day, and he's a GRANDfather!

 

[pearlieq]

I'll raise you one better--DH and I don't have kids!

You have no idea how many shower gifts, birthday gifts, and Christmas gifts DH and I have given without any hope of reciprocation.

You do it because you love them and giving gifts is fun. Things have a way of evening out in the end somehow. These wonderful kids may never have to buy me a gift, but maybe they'll come visit me in my nursing home one day.

If the relationship truly is one-sided overall, then yes, you need to deal with that. But if it's just a matter of a couple of presents, let it go. Spend what you can comfortably afford and rejoice in family and the spirit of the season.

 

[melancholywings]

I disagree with the xmas shouldn't always be about the money, or should only be about giving. We had some 'xmas moochers' in our family. I would spend so much time and money picking out the perfect gift for their kid. And they never recipicated to our kid, this went on for a bit then they started to make rude comments about the things we got them, with out a single word of thanks. So we decided that was it and cut them off our xmas list. They were really unhappy the next year - they just expected us to send them presents. But for me it's been such a relief not to be a xmas doormat.

 

[labdogs42]

We buy for every kid. There are 24 grand/great grand kids. 5 of those kids are over 18. We have one kid. Even in years before we had DD we still bought for all the kids. DH and I are trying to change the way we do things, but only the younger couples are on board. We feel like we should split up the number of kids by number of families. At this point it would be 24 kids by 8 families. Each family buys for that number of kids. Right now we spend $15/kid which I feel is way too little; we can barely get them anything. Like they need or even look at our little plastic piece of crapola toy compared to the new DS or TV that grandma and grandpa just bought them.

If we went with our idea, each family would take 3 kids and have a budget of $50/kid. The kid gets a better present and we still get off cheaper. Only a couple families are on board. I just wish we could do it differently. The kids don't care about our presents and when it comes down to it, our $15 is a waste over and over and over again. It adds up, we could have spent that money on DD or saved it.

ETA: Our list of kids is just in DH's family. In my family we have my sister and a few cousins. Luckily my extended family decided 2 yrs ago to just do a white elephant/dirty santa/gift exchange. DH's parents just love seeing the kids open a ton of gifts; they love the chaos. It's not about how much DD gets, I could care less, she doesn't need more stuff. For us it's just that we spend $300 and feel like we might as well have flushed it down the toilet for all the joy the kids get out of our gifts when compared to what DH's parents and older siblings can afford to buy them.

You also get what I'm saying. I actually like to buy gifts, but when I have to buy for seven kids, I can't spend more than $25 a kid. If I only bought for one or two, I could really get them something cool.

I would never even think about this. I give gifts to my niece and nephews, and I just dont' even think about comparing how many presents my children get or how much the gifts I give cost vs. what they get.

I guess I just didn't explain it very well. I'm not actually trying to compare anything. You missed my point (as did many other people).

This would never occur to me as a problem. I like picking things for my nieces and nephews and have never considered whether it was "equal" or not.

It sounds like the "giving" part of Christmas is a bit out of balance in your family. You might look into the possibility of having the kids get together to adopt a family in need or provide a meal at the night shelter in leiu of gifts that -- unless I'm mixing you up with another poster -- you say don't mean much to them anyway. Or take the whole bunch on a "cousins day trip" in lieu of presents.

I think you are talking about someone else. I have no clue what you are referring to. This is my DH's family and we like them.

We always had this with my DH's side with our kids much younger then the rest of the gang. My thinking was that I still had it better as I was only giving gifts to these extra kids, not supporting them. a

That's actually a very good point. I hadn't thought about it that way! I'll keep that in mind!

Yes you should because, even though you say it doesn't matter to you, obviously it does since it "irks" you so much to shell out all that money for all those kids!

Well I have to admit this post irks me since I have six kids. I don't care who buys, doesn't buy for my kids. Do it if you want otherwise don't. They don't need your gifts if you are resentful. A gift is suppossed to given because you want to, especially at Christmas. If anyone felt that shelling out money for my kids was a burden I would tell them not to bother. However, I would still give because I want to and it makes me and my family happy.

I'm not resentful. Sorry I struck a nerve since you have a big family. I guess I really struck a nerve with a lot of people. And just so you know, my kid is 5. I bought gifts for my cousins and DH's cousin's kids for over ten years before I even had a kid. I loved buying gifts for those kids and I still do. Just sometimes when I go to do the Christmas budget spreadsheet and I add on more and more kids, it becomes more obvious to me how much it is costing me to give all these fun gifts. I still like to do it, but it is getting expensive! And it just made me curious how other people handle similar situations. I really didn't expect to get so bashed over the whole thing, but I should have known better! Although I would have expected a more logical approach from the Budget board folks. Oh well. A few people understood what I meant!

 

[gillenkl]

We actually don't exchange gifts with nieces/nephews - everyone just agreed it was too much and we stopped it altogether.

 

[tinkarooni]

I have two kids and 7 nieces and nephews. One of the things I see is that my kids do not need more stuff and my nieces and nephews do not need more stuff. For me it isn't really about spending the money if I thought what I was purchasing was needed or even wanted but for the most part my nieces and nephews are getting older and their gifts have pretty much been reduced to gift cards.

This is DH family and for the most part you are expected to ask what the kids want and than stick to the requests, shame on the person who doesn't follow the list. They ask for things within the appropriate budget, $25. - $30 per person but it is soooooo unfeeling. And you must stick to the list, if not you are shunned for months and forced to bring the jello salad to Easter.....OK not really but you know what I mean. I just hate the obligation part of it.

I've tried to change it, let's donate to toys for tots, lets do an event, trip to the circus as a family.....grab bag, something.......I'm just a daughter in law. This year I have completely thrown in the towel and am just giving cash. But I'm packaging it with homemade caramel popcorn.....my little dig at the establishment I am fighting.

 

[Marionnette]

You also get what I'm saying. I actually like to buy gifts, but when I have to buy for seven kids, I can't spend more than $25 a kid. If I only bought for one or two, I could really get them something cool.



I guess I just didn't explain it very well. I'm not actually trying to compare anything. You missed my point (as did many other people).



I think you are talking about someone else. I have no clue what you are referring to. This is my DH's family and we like them.



That's actually a very good point. I hadn't thought about it that way! I'll keep that in mind!



I'm not resentful. Sorry I struck a nerve since you have a big family. I guess I really struck a nerve with a lot of people. And just so you know, my kid is 5. I bought gifts for my cousins and DH's cousin's kids for over ten years before I even had a kid. I loved buying gifts for those kids and I still do. Just sometimes when I go to do the Christmas budget spreadsheet and I add on more and more kids, it becomes more obvious to me how much it is costing me to give all these fun gifts. I still like to do it, but it is getting expensive! And it just made me curious how other people handle similar situations. I really didn't expect to get so bashed over the whole thing, but I should have known better! Although I would have expected a more logical approach from the Budget board folks. Oh well. A few people understood what I meant!

Sorry. I guess I misunderstood the part about "So, I buy 7 gifts and my kid receives 3. It doesn't matter to me, he certainly gets enough gifts over the holidays, but it does sometimes irk me that I shell out all that money for gifts for all these kids!" Should I have known that you meant to say "I love buying gifts for each and every one of my neices and nephews. But with limited funds it saddens me to know that it only stretches so far. I really wish that we could scale it down to one gift per child so that I can use all of those funds to buy one awesome gift instead of several lesser presents." Your op reads very much like someone who resents having to "shell out" for so many gifts when your own kid gets so few. You cant fault people for taking you literally when all one has is your own written words to go by.

 

[herdtoDisney]

In my family, I'm the one with all the kids (I have 5, my cousins have 3 or less). When all the kids were little and I had less, we all exchanged for every kid-but as they got older and I had so many more, I told cousins-just do a family gift for my family. I felt bad for everyone having to buy so much for my kids, and my kids had too much stuff, we had a small home then and I hated bringing stuff in!

This has worked out really well for us. One year an cousin gave my kids a basket with popcorn, candy and a movie rental card- the kids loved redeeming that! So we are all doing the family gift thing now-with exceptions for the littlest ones (under school age) we do give them a little gift so they have something to play with that evening (like a car or something) but all the school age and over kids like the family gift thing.

 

[taximomfor4]

Another observation - When did this all start? Why do we all nowadays have the "obligation" to buy for our entire extended family! When I was a kid, we got stuff from our parents/santa and my grandmother gave us pyjamas and slippers at Christmas and that's it. My aunts and uncles did not give gifts to all the kids (or the adults). People say kids grow up too entitled and have way too many material things these days and yet we still have these types of "modern" Christmas traditions. It's crazy!

Our family, the adults draw names to exchange with another adult (but participation is optional), and all households buy for all the children (mostly inexpensive like a book, as I posted earlier). This has been going on since before I was born. I believe it carried on from when my dad was a baby, as a matter of fact. So definitely not a new thing.

Compared to most people we know, in fact, our Christmas involves a ton less money, and the kids receive a ton less. We spend time with friends and their kids, but don't exchange gifts (just fun times together). Really, OP, if buying for so many kids is becoming a burden, there ARE things you can buy kids that aren't plastic junk, that cost very little. Heck, my kids would be thrilled to get a $5 gift card for Dairy Queen (they NEVER get to splurge on a Blizzard so that would be a super treat).

OP, I hope you come to a solution that suits you and your family best. When too many rules/expectations are attached, the spirit of gift-giving is destroyed. Would it turn into a war if you did spend less? A small but useful token? For instance, in our family, sometimes I have spent $10-15 on one kid and $5 on another. It has never turned into anything. Some years, some family members can't afford to buy gifts for the kids so they just don't. Nobody keeps score. If that ever changes, our tradition might need to change as well. I LIKE it this way...very loosey-goosey, simple, and from the heart. Then again, though, I have been known to, in one Christmas, spend $150 on one of my own kids while only spending $75 on another (baby at the time). I don't go "even steven" through it all...we tend to believe it all evens out in the end.

No matter what you end up doing, I hope you have a lovely celebration of family this holiday season!

 

[labdogs42]

Our family, the adults draw names to exchange with another adult (but participation is optional), and all households buy for all the children (mostly inexpensive like a book, as I posted earlier). This has been going on since before I was born. I believe it carried on from when my dad was a baby, as a matter of fact. So definitely not a new thing.

Compared to most people we know, in fact, our Christmas involves a ton less money, and the kids receive a ton less. We spend time with friends and their kids, but don't exchange gifts (just fun times together). Really, OP, if buying for so many kids is becoming a burden, there ARE things you can buy kids that aren't plastic junk, that cost very little. Heck, my kids would be thrilled to get a $5 gift card for Dairy Queen (they NEVER get to splurge on a Blizzard so that would be a super treat).

I like the Blizzard idea, too. Cool.

 

[taximomfor4]

I like the Blizzard idea, too. Cool.

Thanks -- last year, my ds (9 at the time) was obsessed with eating a baconator from Wendys. My brother gave him GC to Wendys ($5 I think) so he could try a baconator. It was quite funny how thrilled ds was with that $5 baconator, lol.