"Giving away" your daughter at her wedding

[yoopermom]

Last summer we went to a wedding where the bride's father had passed away the year before. She had four brothers, so chose to have each one escort her 1/4 of the way down the aisle and then "hand her off" to the next one. There wasn't a dry eye in the house, it was so moving. The groom knows he better treat her like a princess, or those brothers are going to be coming after him !

My parents are divorced, and I asked them to put their differences aside and walk me down the aisle together, which they did. Ever since, they've been able to heal and now, twenty years later, are actually good friends.

Terri

 

[okeydokey]

I had a cousin get married about 18 years ago. We cringed at the wording in their vows. She was to OBEY him and it was repeated about five times, really sealing the point. They were very religious and I think she really did expect to go by his word in their marriage.

How did that one turn out?

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Well this will likely come as no shock to anyone who has followed many of my posts, but my husband asked my father's permission to marry me before he ever asked me. At our wedding, my father walked me down the aisle. The minister asked the "who gives this woman to this man" question. I am very happy all of these things happened. Many do these things as part of the religions parts of the ceremony.

I wouldn't say it suggests ownership. I think it's beautiful when the dad (or someone close to the bride) gives her hand in marriage. To me it's a symbol of trust and true love for your daughter. That your dad trusts this man with a most valued piece of his heart to hold safe. I might think very different from others since my dad passed before I married and was not able to have this at my own wedding. Its the one part of the ceremony that always touches my heart.

Sent from my Samsung S3 using DISBoards

I agree with this, as well.

 

[wdwcoltsfan]

Well this will likely come as no shock to anyone who has followed many of my posts, but my husband asked my father's permission to marry me before he ever asked me. At our wedding, my father walked me down the aisle. The minister asked the "who gives this woman to this man" question. I am very happy all of these things happened. Many do these things as part of the religions parts of the ceremony.


I agree with this, as well.

Dh asked my parents before we got engaged. He believed it showed respect to them as my parents. DH escorted his mom down the aisle and his father walked down right behind them. I was escorted by both of my parents.

I really don't remember if the minister asked "who gives this woman" or "who presents this woman." All I know is my parents answered in unison. My parents loved me, treated me with respect, not as a possession and didn't shop me around to the highest bidder. One sentence in our wedding ceremony wasn't going to change that, so it wasn't an issue for me.

 

[allison443]

But fathers don't love their sons? Their sons aren't a "most valued piece of his heart"?

I hadn't lived with my parents in over a decade when I was married and at no point in my life have I been a piece of property to be given away. Or, if you want to go by the original tradition, to be sold. After all, it used to be the tradition for the groom to pay a dowry to the bride's family. Nothing says valued piece of my heart like shopping your daughter out for the best price.

Wasn't a dowry something that came from the bride's family?

 

[princesspiglet]

My husband was walked down the aisle before me by both of his parents. Once they reached the alter, they both hugged him and poured half of "their" family sand vase into a middle vase. Then my parents both walked me down the aisle, hugged and kissed me, then hugged my husband, and then poured half of "our" family sand vase into the middle vase as the second layer. At the end of our ceremony when we were announced husband and wife, DH and I both took our respective families sand vases and poured the remainder into the middle vase. The middle vase represented the joining of our two families into one. I then took a white rose to my mother in law and hugged and kissed his parents, and he did the same with my parents. We then joined up again and walked down the aisle to bubbles being blown by our bridal party and guests!

We did not use any traditional service phrases either. No obey, no honor, none of that. The minister welcomed everyone, talked about the joining of two families, then asked us if we wanted to say a few words to each other and we read our own vows. The minister then said "What God has joined together, let no man put us under, I now pronounce you to be husband and wife, you may seal your love with a kiss."

And this was 17 years ago.

 

[lorimay]

My daughter will be married 5 years this Friday.

We held her wedding in Disney World with Family and a few close friends about 50 people.
My husband walked her down the aisle and did the "Who gives this woman?"
Which is what I wanted and she did too (our only daughter)

We are Catholic so she could not have a Priest in Disney (Archdiocese of Orlando rule).

So about a year later while she was planning her sons baptism they decided to also do what is called a Convalidation ceremony and be "married in the Church".
Well the Deacon who handled everything just kept saying this was their wedding and my daughter being my daughter kept saying no I had my big wedding last year this is not going to be the same thing.
She wanted to walk down the aisle with her husband and son. The deacon was doing flips because he couldn't get past that the brides father had to walk her down the aisle. She must have went over this with him a million times before the ceremony.
He even asked her one more time at the back of the church before they walked in.
I thought that was a perfect way for them to enter. They were a family and came in like a family.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

My husband was walked down the aisle before me by both of his parents. Once they reached the alter, they both hugged him and poured half of "their" family sand vase into a middle vase. Then my parents both walked me down the aisle, hugged and kissed me, then hugged my husband, and then poured half of "our" family sand vase into the middle vase as the second layer. At the end of our ceremony when we were announced husband and wife, DH and I both took our respective families sand vases and poured the remainder into the middle vase. The middle vase represented the joining of our two families into one. I then took a white rose to my mother in law and hugged and kissed his parents, and he did the same with my parents. We then joined up again and walked down the aisle to bubbles being blown by our bridal party and guests!

We did not use any traditional service phrases either. No obey, no honor, none of that. The minister welcomed everyone, talked about the joining of two families, then asked us if we wanted to say a few words to each other and we read our own vows. The minister then said "What God has joined together, let no man put us under, I now pronounce you to be husband and wife, you may seal your love with a kiss."

And this was 17 years ago.

We had a unity candle instead of a vase, but very similar concept. My mother was escorted down the aisle by one of our ushers (he grew up with me and my mother was like a second mother to him). When she got to the end, she walked up the stairs and lit "my" candle. My husband then walked down the aisle with his parents. His mother walked up the steps and lit "his" candle. Later in the ceremony, we each picked up our respective candles and lit a big candle that was between them. It signaled the uniting of his family and my family coming together to form a new family.

 

[teacherforhi]

Wasn't a dowry something that came from the bride's family?

Sorry, I was typing early this morning. I meant dower, which is paid directly to the bride and I was really talking about the tradition of bride price, which is essentially the groom buying the bride from her father.

Neither of those speak to a father loving his daughter (although he could), but speaks volumes to the fact that the daughter ranked right with his other material possessions and could be sold to the highest bidder.

 

[NotUrsula]

Wasn't a dowry something that came from the bride's family?

Yes. The poster you replied to is confusing the concept of a bride-price with the concept of a dowry; they are different and arise from different societal traditions.

A dowry is essentially an insurance policy for the bride. The principal amount customarily was hers to keep should she be widowed or deserted, and hers to leave directly to her children upon her death; the idea was to prevent a woman from becoming destitute if she was widowed. Normally, only the income on the amount was available to the husband during the marriage, but if the dowry were large enough, that income could be a substantial incentive to marry her. One of my grandfathers married an heiress whose dowry was prime farmland; in consideration for being able to pass the land through the male line, he had to agree to take her family name rather than continue to use his own. If he had not done so, then all he would have gotten out of the deal was the good crop yield that the land would provide.

A bride price is something altogether different. It is meant as compensation to the bride's family for the loss of her household labor contribution. Of course, in some cultures it also sometimes carries the implication that a man who can come up with a decent bride-price is likely to be a good provider.

 

[MrsDuck]

Both my parents walked me down the aisle. We aren't Jewish. I don't even remember what wording was used by the Reverend but I wasn't offended so it probably wasn't "who gives this woman..."

On the whole I don't give it too much thought as I feel it's just another wedding tradition.

 

[chobie]

For me, this tradition comes from an ugly place and time, where women were the property of their fathers until he transferred ownership to her husband.

Also asking the father's permission to marry his daughter -- some see that as being respectful, but again it's only the parents of the female where permission is needed, the man is considered an adult who can make his own decisions, but not the female.

I don't find these traditions quaint, even if the female is no longer considered the possession of her father/husband in our modern day society, I still would not want pay homage to such a sexist tradition.

I wonder if the women who long for the days of old would really want to go back to a time where they had no rights. And if not, why would they still want to follow the rituals that stemmed from a time when they were considered property?

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

For me, this tradition comes from an ugly place and time, where women were the property of their fathers until he transferred ownership to her husband.

Also asking the father's permission to marry his daughter -- some see that as being respectful, but again it's only the parents of the female where permission is needed, the man is considered an adult who can make his own decisions, but not the female.

I don't find these traditions quaint, even if the female is no longer considered the possession of her father/husband in our modern day society, I still would not want pay homage to such a sexist tradition.

I wonder if the women who long for the days of old would really want to go back to a time where they had no rights. And if not, why would they still want to follow the rituals that stemmed from a time when they were considered property?

The woman is still asked so she is making her own decisions. Maybe it really means that the woman is valued and so you must ask if the parents can stand to part with her. The husband, on the other hand, isn't valued and his parents are happy that he will be someone else's problem.


I think people read too much into these things and are possibly looking to try and find something offensive.

 

[chobie]

The woman is still asked so she is making her own decisions. Maybe it really means that the woman is valued and so you must ask if the parents can stand to part with her. The husband, on the other hand, isn't valued and his parents are happy that he will be someone else's problem.

I think people read too much into these things and are possibly looking to try and find something offensive.

No, it's quite simple and obvious to see these traditions stem from women not being allowed to make their own decisions. It really doesn't require that much thought to figure it out.

 

[teacherforhi]

The woman is still asked so she is making her own decisions. Maybe it really means that the woman is valued and so you must ask if the parents can stand to part with her. The husband, on the other hand, isn't valued and his parents are happy that he will be someone else's problem.


I think people read too much into these things and are possibly looking to try and find something offensive.

If it doesn't offend you to be considered your father's and husband's property, that's great. That has absolutely nothing to do with me, and I fully support you having the right to different beliefs than me.

For me, however, I cringe at that the thought that even less than a hundred years ago, it wouldn't be considered proper for me to marry without my father giving the okay first.

 

[wdwcoltsfan]

If it doesn't offend you to be considered your father's and husband's property, that's great. That has absolutely nothing to do with me, and I fully support you having the right to different beliefs than me.

For me, however, I cringe at that the thought that even less than a hundred years ago, it wouldn't be considered proper for me to marry without my father giving the okay first.

As I stated earlier, dh asked my parents before proposing, but I can assure you he does not view me as his property! He thought it was respectful and nothing more. I find it ridiculous that you think because he asked my parents 23 years ago about us getting engaged it means he views me as his property.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

as i stated earlier, dh asked my parents before proposing, but i can assure you he does not view me as his property! He thought it was respectful and nothing more. I find it ridiculous that you think because he asked my parents 23 years ago about us getting engaged it means he views me as his property.

+1

 

[teacherforhi]

As I stated earlier, dh asked my parents before proposing, but I can assure you he does not view me as his property! He thought it was respectful and nothing more. I find it ridiculous that you think because he asked my parents 23 years ago about us getting engaged it means he views me as his property.

What I'm saying is that is the basis of the tradition of asking the woman's parents first. She was considered her father's property, and the husband asked for her to hand in marriage and then she was considered the husband's property.

I simply don't believe in doing something because it's "tradition". In this instance, I think it's a horrible tradition that sends a horrible message.

I don't think my husband respects my father any less because he asked me, and not my father.

 

[chobie]

As I stated earlier, dh asked my parents before proposing, but I can assure you he does not view me as his property! He thought it was respectful and nothing more. I find it ridiculous that you think because he asked my parents 23 years ago about us getting engaged it means he views me as his property.

So, you're offended by the idea of being considered property, yet you're all for continuing the rituals that symbolize when women were property?

 

[disykat]

Well this will likely come as no shock to anyone who has followed many of my posts, but my husband asked my father's permission to marry me before he ever asked me. At our wedding, my father walked me down the aisle. The minister asked the "who gives this woman to this man" question. I am very happy all of these things happened. Many do these things as part of the religions parts of the ceremony.


.

It's interesting how people see things. I removed many of those traditions from the ceremony because I thought they were distinctly man-made traditions and NOT part of the religious ceremony.