"Giving away" your daughter at her wedding

[Jaya]

When my daughter got married, her father walked her down the aisle and then the minister asked "Who blesses the marriage of ______ and _____?" All members of both families and close friends said "We do" in unison. Then her father raised her veil and stepped back to sit down (for some reason, in the Presbyterian Church of Scotland, the bride can't step up to the altar with her veil down). Just as good that we didn't "give" her away as we got her back a few years later.

 

[mjkacmom]

So, you're offended by the idea of being considered property, yet you're all for continuing the rituals that symbolize when women were property?

I think the symbolism changes over time. The idea that the father is giving away his property is ridiculous - most women aren't even living with their parents anymore!

The pictures I have of my dad walking me down the aisle are priceless - he is beaming! And I was beyond thrilled to give up my (long) last name - everyone in our family has the same last name.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I wasn't given away, I was escorted. I needed help walking in that huge dress.



Back back just after high school, one of my friends got married. I was a bridesmaid and her father was also the officiant. He insisted to walk her down the aisle, so he did. Only he didn't; he PULLED her down the aisle to the altar saying funny things like "I'm so GLAD to give you away, hurry up and get this over with!" He was a FUNNY preacher who then cried all the way through the ceremony he created just for her. It was very sweet and very "them."

 

[Lorelei Lee]

You know, the symbolism of traditions changes over the years.

Another Jewish tradition is the ketubah, the marriage contract. Bride and groom both sign. They both assume obligations under the contract. There was a time where a marriage contract spelled out what dowry the bride was bringing, etc., and what financial security the groom would provide for his bride.

If you see a modern ketubah, the wording is simply a mutual promise to love each other, build a marriage and a home together.

The symbolism is what you make of it.

 

[Jaya]

Yes. The poster you replied to is confusing the concept of a bride-price with the concept of a dowry; they are different and arise from different societal traditions.

A dowry is essentially an insurance policy for the bride. The principal amount customarily was hers to keep should she be widowed or deserted, and hers to leave directly to her children upon her death; the idea was to prevent a woman from becoming destitute if she was widowed. Normally, only the income on the amount was available to the husband during the marriage, but if the dowry were large enough, that income could be a substantial incentive to marry her. One of my grandfathers married an heiress whose dowry was prime farmland; in consideration for being able to pass the land through the male line, he had to agree to take her family name rather than continue to use his own. If he had not done so, then all he would have gotten out of the deal was the good crop yield that the land would provide.

A bride price is something altogether different. It is meant as compensation to the bride's family for the loss of her household labor contribution. Of course, in some cultures it also sometimes carries the implication that a man who can come up with a decent bride-price is likely to be a good provider.

I've been doing a lot of geneology for the last couple of years and found papers showing that my umpty-great-grandparents were married by "bond" instead of by "banns". The "bond" (a monetary pledge made by a relative or close friend of the groom) was placed in trust with an official (in this case it was Patrick Henry, himself) to insure that the husband wasn't actually married to someone else and if he was, the bond money was to be paid to the "injured" bride. This way, you could get married right away. Otherwise, the "banns" had to be announced at least three Sundays in a row to give someone time to object to the marriage. If all was well and legal with the marriage, the actual money never had to be paid. If, after a few weeks or months, a lady showed up with five kids in tow claiming to be the groom's legal wife, the groom had a lot of 'splaining to do and his relative or friend had to cough up the dough to the "injured wife".

 

[Handbag Lady]

I wasn't given away, I was escorted. I needed help walking in that huge dress.



Back back just after high school, one of my friends got married. I was a bridesmaid and her father was also the officiant. He insisted to walk her down the aisle, so he did. Only he didn't; he PULLED her down the aisle to the altar saying funny things like "I'm so GLAD to give you away, hurry up and get this over with!" He was a FUNNY preacher who then cried all the way through the ceremony he created just for her. It was very sweet and very "them."

 

[Jaya]

My first son-in-law wanted to formally ask my husband for our daughter's hand in marriage. My husband told him he was certainly welcome to the one that was always in his pocket or clutching his credit card. We had a good laugh over that. As for "obey" in the wedding vows, I was married back in the 60's (yes, that was shortly after a wedding ceremony consisted of the caveman coming over to the bride's cave, conking her on the head with his club, and dragging her back to his cave....). I told our minister that I wanted to leave the "obey" part out of the vows. He was shocked but agreed to do that. Well, he went ahead anyway and said "love, honor and obey" during the service. I replied with "love and honor" and because, dammit, I WAS NOT going to say "obey" but I did say and mean "til death do us part". Well, we had 37 good years together before death did us part and I'd say about 50% of the time I obeyed him and 50% of the time he obeyed me. It worked for us.

 

[chobie]

I think the symbolism changes over time. The idea that the father is giving away his property is ridiculous - most women aren't even living with their parents anymore!

The pictures I have of my dad walking me down the aisle are priceless - he is beaming! And I was beyond thrilled to give up my (long) last name - everyone in our family has the same last name.

So what does it symbolize? When the tradition began it was not considered ridiculous that women were property.

I get that most people don't think about the tradition, they just do it. I wasn't thinking about those things when I got married at 21 years old. All I wanted for my wedding was good food, drink and for people to have fun.

Now that I'm older and more educated and I know where the traditions started, I do find them offensive...as in, if I were to get married again I would consciously reject those old traditions. Whereas, when I actually got married the ceremony was rather informal ( on the beach, no aisles etc) so those things were not a consideration.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

So what does it symbolize? When the tradition began it was not considered ridiculous that women were property.

I get that most people don't think about the tradition, they just do it. I wasn't thinking about those things when I got married at 21 years old. All I wanted for my wedding was good food, drink and for people to have fun.

Now that I'm older and more educated and I know where the traditions started, I do find them offensive...as in, if I were to get married again I would consciously reject those old traditions. Whereas, when I actually got married the ceremony was rather informal ( on the beach, no aisles etc) so those things were not a consideration.

I can share what some of these traditions mean to me, if you want. My husband asking my father for my hand in marriage signaled to me that my husband wanted my parents blessing on the marriage; that they were accepting him into their family.


My husband walked down the aisle with his parents. I walked down the aisle with my dad. That signified that he was part of his parents' family and I was part of mine. Then, we were joining together to signify that were were making a new family. Asking "who gives this woman to this man" publicly showed that my parents were giving their blessing to the marriage. At the rehearsal dinner the night before, my husband's parents gave a toast in my honor and welcomed me into their family. That was them publicly showing that they gave their blessing to our marriage.

 

[chobie]

I can share what some of these traditions mean to me, if you want. My husband asking my father for my hand in marriage signaled to me that my husband wanted my parents blessing on the marriage; that they were accepting him into their family.

My husband walked down the aisle with his parents. I walked down the aisle with my dad. That signified that he was part of his parents' family and I was part of mine. Then, we were joining together to signify that were were making a new family. Asking "who gives this woman to this man" publicly showed that my parents were giving their blessing to the marriage. At the rehearsal dinner the night before, my husband's parents gave a toast in my honor and welcomed me into their family. That was them publicly showing that they gave their blessing to our marriage.

Why didn't you want to get the blessing from his parents before you got married?

 

[Granny square]

So what does it symbolize? When the tradition began it was not considered ridiculous that women were property.

I get that most people don't think about the tradition, they just do it. I wasn't thinking about those things when I got married at 21 years old. All I wanted for my wedding was good food, drink and for people to have fun.

Now that I'm older and more educated and I know where the traditions started, I do find them offensive...as in, if I were to get married again I would consciously reject those old traditions. Whereas, when I actually got married the ceremony was rather informal ( on the beach, no aisles etc) so those things were not a consideration.

Lol, traditions morph. I can't imagine being so uptight about the historical origin of a tradition.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Why didn't you want to get the blessing from his parents before you got married?

We did get it. We got it at the rehearsal dinner the night before, as I stated in my post. If you mean even earlier than that, my MIL actually went with my husband to pick out my ring. She had been telling him for a while that he needed to put a ring on my finger.

 

[Buckalew11]

My dad "gave me away" I guess. I do not remember what was said (I'd have to watch the video). I'll cherish those moments before he walked me down the aisle for the rest of my life as he is gone now.

I'm one who did not obsess over anything to do with my wedding day because I didn't want a formal wedding and would have been happy with not having one.
I could not have cared less about anything pertaining to "the wedding." Ugh.

 

[2disneyboys]

I can share what some of these traditions mean to me, if you want. My husband asking my father for my hand in marriage signaled to me that my husband wanted my parents blessing on the marriage; that they were accepting him into their family.


My husband walked down the aisle with his parents. I walked down the aisle with my dad. That signified that he was part of his parents' family and I was part of mine. Then, we were joining together to signify that were were making a new family. Asking "who gives this woman to this man" publicly showed that my parents were giving their blessing to the marriage. At the rehearsal dinner the night before, my husband's parents gave a toast in my honor and welcomed me into their family. That was them publicly showing that they gave their blessing to our marriage.

This is what these traditions mean to me also. I do think about what started a tradition and how they change over the years. It saddens me how poorly our various ancestors were treated (racially, male vs female, etc) However, I feel with a tradition, it's the context in which its taken. DH asking for permission to marry me or my Dad giving me away are not a sign of property or ownership in my heart or mind. It was a sign of love and "support" for the next phase of my life.

I guess the key is I was never treated as "property" by anyone in my life. Maybe that's why I'm not sensitive to a tradition that was begun that way? I've always been made to feel like I am a valued, important PART of the family and relationship. Anyone who "knows" me, knows that I am no ones property.

We both promised to Love & Honor each other until death do us part. & that's the plan!

 

[dawnhaze]

I would much rather have both my parents give their blessings to the marriage rather than anyone explicitly "give me away" - but I don't have any desire to have a traditional wedding anyway. You couldn't pay me to get married in a church or wear a white dress.

 

[wdwcoltsfan]

So, you're offended by the idea of being considered property, yet you're all for continuing the rituals that symbolize when women were property?

I guarantee you when he did that it was not because of the ritual or tradition that is being discussed here.

I just asked dh why he decided to do that and he said he thought it would be good to let my parents know our plans before getting engaged. He had already talked with his parents. We were both still in college at the time and he knew it would be a big deal to my parents that I had my degree before we got married(which I did).

 

[tripletsmama]

It's definitely all in the way you interpret the tradition! I strongly agree on the point that the ceremony needs to be thought about as much as the reception. People take hours, days, just to pick a menu at the reception, but give very little thought to the ceremony itself. I know I would like to be a part of the "giving away" of my daughters even though I don't view any of them as property.

 

[mamabear0222]

You got me--we had a cake after we were married in our den in front of our respective parents and my husband's three children. We had punch as well; obviously, I am a giant hypocrite.

For the record, I have no engagement ring; we do both wear a wedding band. There were no bridesmaids, no white dress, and considering we had to be back at work two days later, no honeymoon either.

Wouldn't your wedding band essentially indicate possession that you are against?? You "belong" to your husband. The ring signifies this. OR could it be viewed as a symbol of you love for each other? Imo walking a daughter down the asile can signify love vs possession. Not everything is so black and white.

Sent from my Samsung S3 using DISBoards

 

[mamabear0222]

This is what these traditions mean to me also. I do think about what started a tradition and how they change over the years. It saddens me how poorly our various ancestors were treated (racially, male vs female, etc) However, I feel with a tradition, it's the context in which its taken. DH asking for permission to marry me or my Dad giving me away are not a sign of property or ownership in my heart or mind. It was a sign of love and "support" for the next phase of my life.

I guess the key is I was never treated as "property" by anyone in my life. Maybe that's why I'm not sensitive to a tradition that was begun that way? I've always been made to feel like I am a valued, important PART of the family and relationship. Anyone who "knows" me, knows that I am no ones property.

We both promised to Love & Honor each other until death do us part. & that's the plan!

Very well said

Sent from my Samsung S3 using DISBoards

 

[crz4mm2]

My Dad walked me down the isle and when the Minister said "who gives this woman?" My Dad said "her mother and I do".