"Giving away" your daughter at her wedding

[JennaDeeDooDah]

It's interesting how people see things. I removed many of those traditions from the ceremony because I thought they were distinctly man-made traditions and NOT part of the religious ceremony.

Many are. The whole not seeing the bride before the wedding is a great example. We ditched that. The bride wearing white is man made (didn't ditch that one, though). I saw that groom walking down the aisle with his parents, me with mine, and then the giving away as very much a nod to the whole, "And the man shall leave his family and the two shall become one" part, though, and took part in that.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

What I'm saying is that is the basis of the tradition of asking the woman's parents first. She was considered her father's property, and the husband asked for her to hand in marriage and then she was considered the husband's property.

I simply don't believe in doing something because it's "tradition". In this instance, I think it's a horrible tradition that sends a horrible message.

I don't think my husband respects my father any less because he asked me, and not my father.

I presume you're against engagement rings with big stones, bridesmaids, white dresses, wedding cake and honeymoons as well?

 

[teacherforhi]

I presume you're against engagement rings with big stones, bridesmaids, white dresses, wedding cake and honeymoons as well?

You got me--we had a cake after we were married in our den in front of our respective parents and my husband's three children. We had punch as well; obviously, I am a giant hypocrite.

For the record, I have no engagement ring; we do both wear a wedding band. There were no bridesmaids, no white dress, and considering we had to be back at work two days later, no honeymoon either.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I presume you're against engagement rings with big stones, bridesmaids, white dresses, wedding cake and honeymoons as well?

 

[ford family]

No, it's quite simple and obvious to see these traditions stem from women not being allowed to make their own decisions. It really doesn't require that much thought to figure it out.

Figure what out?
That some people enjoy continuing a tradition regardless of its origins?
That some people go to great lengths to take offence at matters they ought to mind their own business about?

I was very proud to lead my daughter down the "aisle" to the registrar at her civil wedding and I was doubly conscious of the symbolism of her being escorted out afterwards by her new husband whilst I followed with the groom's mother and my wife followed with the groom's father.

If you think any of that is inappropriate then great for you, our families found it all totally appropriate and thoroughly enjoyed it.
In my opinion it is entirely possible to over think these things.

ford family

 

[chobie]

I presume you're against engagement rings with big stones, bridesmaids, white dresses, wedding cake and honeymoons as well?

Of all those things I only had the cake, but my husband didn't break it over my head.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Figure what out?
That some people enjoy continuing a tradition regardless of its origins?
That some people go to great lengths to take offence at matters they ought to mind their own business about?

I was very proud to lead my daughter down the "aisle" to the registrar at her civil wedding and I was doubly conscious of the symbolism of her being escorted out afterwards by her new husband whilst I followed with the groom's mother and my wife followed with the groom's father.

If you think any of that is inappropriate then great for you, our families found it all totally appropriate and thoroughly enjoyed it.
In my opinion it is entirely possible to over think these things.

ford family

Amen. Let's not over think every little thing. And if we must do that, why even get married in the first place. I'm sure it would not be hard to disagree with the origins of marriage for many people.

 

[chobie]

Figure what out?
That some people enjoy continuing a tradition regardless of its origins?
That some people go to great lengths to take offence at matters they ought to mind their own business about?

I was very proud to lead my daughter down the "aisle" to the registrar at her civil wedding and I was doubly conscious of the symbolism of her being escorted out afterwards by her new husband whilst I followed with the groom's mother and my wife followed with the groom's father.

If you think any of that is inappropriate then great for you, our families found it all totally appropriate and thoroughly enjoyed it.
In my opinion it is entirely possible to over think these things.

ford family

I'm not offended if other people want to take part in these archaic traditions. I would not tell someone not to do it.

However, the traditions do come from an ugly place and We shouldn't be disingenuous about that.

The topic of the thread is how you feel about these traditions, right? Am I not to give my opinion because it might offend you that the traditions are offensive to me?

And yes, it's not rocket science to figure out where a tradition of the woman needing to be given away by her father comes from, when no such similar ritual exists for the man.

 

[mdsoccermom]

That could well be, but I'm not Jewish, and we did this at my wedding over 30 years ago, and most of the weddings I've attended where this is done have not been Jewish.

While you may have done it, it is very much a Jewish tradition and part of the Jewish ceremony. It's also tradition for the grandparents to walk down the aisle.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I'm not offended if other people want to take part in these archaic traditions. I would not tell someone not to do it.

However, the traditions do come from an ugly place and We shouldn't be disingenuous about that.

The topic of the thread is how you feel about these traditions, right? Am I not to give my opinion because it might offend you that the traditions are offensive to me?

And yes, it's not rocket science to figure out where a tradition of the woman needing to be given away by her father comes from, when no such similar ritual exists for the man.

You could try to give you opinion without being insulting to those who have a different opinion. Calling things "archaic" and telling women that they must be okay being views as property doesn't sound very tolerant of differing views.

 

[chobie]

Amen. Let's not over think every little thing. And if we must do that, why even get married in the first place. I'm sure it would not be hard to disagree with the origins of marriage for many people.

Right, when making the biggest commitment of one's life, please advert your mind from thinking about it.

People obsess about every little detail of their wedding ( the venue, the food, the flowers, the guests) but don't think about the traditions, that would be thinking too much?

 

[chobie]

You could try to give you opinion without being insulting to those who have a different opinion. Calling things "archaic" and telling women that they must be okay being views as property doesn't sound very tolerant of differing views.

I didn't tell them they must be okay with being viewed as property, you are mistaking me with another poster.

And just because you follow up your sarcastic replies with a winky face, doesn't make it all honey and sweetness.

 

[teacherforhi]

You could try to give you opinion without being insulting to those who have a different opinion. Calling things "archaic" and telling women that they must be okay being views as property doesn't sound very tolerant of differing views.

No, if I stood up at your wedding and condemned you, that wouldn't be very tolerant. However, I have managed to attend many the wedding where the father did give the bride away, and never a word did I utter. It was their ceremony, their choice, and I hope it was a special day for them. However, on a message board, where we express our opinions, I'm going to say what I believe.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

It is beyond me how a person could be surprised they got engaged. Really? You never discussed your future? I picked out my engagement ring. Nothing I did at my wedding was tradition except the actual religious part. We were not introduced as Mr and Mrs. Taking his name is also very outdated. I kept my name.

Really? I was completely surprised by the proposal! I thought we were just having great sex and taking things easy (he is five years younger and I thought it was just a fling). We had never talked marriage and I certainly had nothing to do with the ring. Imagine my shock when he asked me to marry him!

I also kept my maiden name. And no one "gave me away" but dad did walk me down the aisle.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

You got me--we had a cake after we were married in our den in front of our respective parents and my husband's three children. We had punch as well; obviously, I am a giant hypocrite.

For the record, I have no engagement ring; we do both wear a wedding band. There were no bridesmaids, no white dress, and considering we had to be back at work two days later, no honeymoon either.

LOL. As long as you didn't feed it to each other for pictures I think you're good!

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

Right, when making the biggest commitment of one's life, please advert your mind from thinking about it.

People obsess about every little detail of their wedding ( the venue, the food, the flowers, the guests) but don't think about the traditions, that would be thinking too much?

Actually, I didn't obsess about the food, flowers, dress, guests, or any of that stuff. I was too busy focusing on the marriage after the wedding and what all would go into that.

And sorry to have mixed you up with a previous poster.

 

[Lorelei Lee]

While you may have done it, it is very much a Jewish tradition and part of the Jewish ceremony. It's also tradition for the grandparents to walk down the aisle.

Come to think of it, we did have my grandmother walk down the aisle. She was my only living grandparent. My husband didn't have any living grandparents when we got married. But I don't recall seeing it at my friends' weddings -- though I may not have been paying attention.

 

[The Wise One]

Well my father "gave me away" at my wedding and I didn't think anything of it at all. I don't at all feel like I was "property" I thought it was sweet, especially considering my father passed away the following year. However there was no "obeying" mentioned in our vows.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Of all those things I only had the cake, but my husband didn't break it over my head.

ROFL. Hey, so long as there are no pictures of you feeding the cake to your DH what happened at the reception stays at the reception.

 

[ilovemk76]

The woman is still asked so she is making her own decisions. Maybe it really means that the woman is valued and so you must ask if the parents can stand to part with her. The husband, on the other hand, isn't valued and his parents are happy that he will be someone else's problem.


I think people read too much into these things and are possibly looking to try and find something offensive.

No, it's quite simple and obvious to see these traditions stem from women not being allowed to make their own decisions. It really doesn't require that much thought to figure it out.

I agree with Chobie. DH and I decided to get married. I was an adult and I got to decide. My parents were never asked and DH knew I would never want that.