Annoyed with my ex..Child support related (long)

[bumbershoot]

After a lengthy attack on the OP someone commented about Dr.Laura. My DH used to listen to her a lot and she would say..

1. It is between him and the court, don't let him guilt trip you.
2.Unfortunately it sounds like you chose to procreate with a deadbeat and we shouldn't let it disappoint us when deadbeats act like deadbeats. Be grateful for the DH you have, if the court gets the money out of him fine, if not let it go. Nothing you can do.
3. Don't discuss it with your mother anymore.

Definitely. I used to listen to her (listening to her kept me from continuing to date a man with two kids and a beyond-psycho ex, thank goodness...the dude was nice, but not nice enough to live in fear from his ex, and I never met his kids) and that's absolutely right.

Now having said all of THAT, I want to say that there is no way in hell I'd ever have either of my EXes put in jail for nonpayment of child support, in MY situation.

The OP is not putting him in jail. The courts are the ones doing that.

Wow! I had no idea Dr Laura read here. Cool.

If Dr Laura said just about any of that, I would want to make sure she didn't have some sort of problem causing her to say things that aren't what she normally says.

When I read one of these threads it's always really obvious who is getting support and who is paying it

And who is a child of divorce who is getting progressively sicker feeling like I was just a pawn in money-making schemes all those years....

Eh, Dad made up for it (his not paying during those years of being under the table, his not paying flat out after I was 15 and my brother was 13 because he didn't want it spent on shoes and clothes, and how much harder my mom had to work so she didn't rely TOO much on her subsequent husbands) by paying for my wedding; never would have done it if my mom hadn't died, but just his offering took our relationship to a much nicer level. ***And his actually *following through* helped me forgive quite a bit.

Of course...same dad was supposed to visit over the summer...tick tock tick tock...still waiting....oh, he called on my birthday, thought he should win a prize for *finally* remembering the date...I'm the first born, I turned 40...yeah, dad of the year there... He called about a month ago...he'd come up now, but "they" (his wife and kids, two of whom are grown men) want him home for Thanksgiving, but after that he'll hop on the train with all the presents he has for my son...OK, still waiting.....***

Will it ever make a difference to the kid if dad paid? No, all the kid is going to have is the memories of being with dad. It is only an issue for the kid if the parents make it that way.

This is absolutely wrong. Kids know when things are wrong in a house. They might not know why, but they know *something* is wrong. Adults are fooling themselves if they think for a second that the kids don't know there's something wrong.

Frankly a child should have no knowledge of family finances (beyond being taught not to be greedy of course).

How on earth will kids learn about finances if all they are taught is "not to be greedy"???

Remember, OP chose to get divorced, it takes two to tango.

Actually, not always true. Sometimes people do every possible thing they can do to keep their spouse around, but the spouse leaves anyway. I had one friend try to move heaven and earth to keep her marriage together, but the dude was lying to his counselor (who was also their marriage counselor, BIG mistake IMO) and lying to her, and finally she stepped out as gracefully as she could. I have another friend who was never given ANY chance to keep things together. Aside from mediation, he has never spoken to her or seen her again, after he left her just 4+ months after they married. She would have tried, but he never let her.

Her new DH chose to marry a woman with a child.

I'll give you that. But that doesn't mean the stepdad should have to provide when the dad isn't. Remarriage doesn't absolve the other parent.


If I was ever divorced with a child and could manage on my own, there is no way I'd take a dime from my ex. If I needed his income then I shouldn't have divorced him (this is of course barring extreme circumstances like physical abuse, in which case I still would never rely on my abuser for financial support).

There really is the assumption that we always get to choose where our life goes, isn't there?

Listen, I hate the idea of money and visitation being hand in hand. I think that many times no payments cause visits to lessen, and that feels like paying to see the kid, and I hate that. After all, if the parents were still together and someone lost a job, that parent might be spending MORE time with the child! But that rarely happens once there's a split (probably b/c it would be uncomfortable for the ex to move back in and hang with the kid at the custodial parent's house all day), and it does bug me.

But still, a parent needs to try to support their kids.


Why not be the better person? Why not count yourself blessed and share the blessings with your ex? Why not let him keep his money and his dignity so he could pick up your child in a car? He's not out there spending money on luxury items, otherwise he would have a car. What you're doing is letting money ruin relationships. Keep it up and your ex will disappear and then who is better off? You're not (no free babysitting which is really what the extra time your kid has with him is). Your kid certainly isn't.

My mom was the better person. She listened to hear teary daughter BEGGING her to not take him to court. She scrimped and saved and let her husband pay more towards me and my brother than she wanted... It was painful for her. As an adult, I wish she hadn't. Maybe the dude would have been a better parent, a better person, if she had held him accountable.

You are assuming a whole lot about what she spends her money on ... Obviously I've read all the replies now, so I know it's that her in laws have DVC, but seriously, the villa stays could SO easily have been because stepdad owned DVC before, or they bought in years ago, etc. Staying at a Deluxe place doesn't always mean you're paying the Deluxe prices...

Staying with your own child is "babysitting"? So glad hubby doesn't think of it in that way!


I wish it was appropriate to discuss these things with children because I'd bet your child would be willing to do without some things if it meant his dad got to have some necessities.

It is appropriate to tell children the truth about things, and I was a child who tried to do without things, and as an adult I realize how STUPID I was. I hurt my mom, hurt her quite badly, made her work 6 days a week, because I felt sorry for my dad. My dad who lied and cheated and spent scads of money on things WE never saw...my dad who DRANK his money, who lived off of the woman who became my stepmom, who drove her car into her house's garage (as in, INto, not just into), who then gave me HER car because he felt I needed a car...who STILL lives off of her because she became a NICU nurse bringing in serious money, and I have no idea why she won't leave him.... It was *pathetic* that I kept my mom from going after him for the money. It's appropriate for kids to know about money, but NOT appropriate for the low understanding that kids have of adult issues to cause decisions to be made.

Why not extend an olive branch, halt collections and talk to your ex?

The last time she did this, he yelled at her because she didn't say exactly what she wanted.

The OP did say dad was ALWAYS good about paying his child support.

She said "it was always taken right from his check". He didn't pay. The state took it out of his check.



Some of the responses on this thread (not the OP's posts, no worries OP) are just making me so sad as a kid of divorces.

 

[S. C.]

She said "it was always taken right from his check". He didn't pay. The state took it out of his check.

Which means He had a job and was not trying to skip out on paying child support. OP said child support had not been a problem until he lost his job.

 

[kellyg403]

OP...glad you came back to the thread. Sorry you got beat up...no reason for it. You vented about the ex's attitude and not the money. I get where you are coming from.

Honestly, as more of the facts of the story come out I still agree that you should not feel guilty. Not about your trips, not about raising your son, not about wanting the small amount of child support etc. If your ex ends up in contempt of court..which he appears to be in since he has a bench warrant, literally this is between the court and himself. I give you kuddos for even feeling guilty. I assumed when you first posted that it was a vent because you were planning on calling the court and seeing what you could do for him and it made you angry to be placed in the position.

I honestly do NOT get where some of the people got the idea that is just absolutely ok to have a grown man not understand the consequences of his actions and face them. I still do not understand how it is possible for people not to understand you can do nothing but hope that he pays something to stay out of jail. Short of taking a payment down to the court yourself I see this situation as one that will end with your ex sitting in jail for 18 days. I am left to wonder though..he lives with his parents, doesn't have a job, etc. Why don't his PARENTS pay the support? Why don't they take on the responsibility? Why should the OP feel guilty when his own parents don't? I am thinking in all honesty this situation has gotten to the point where the parents, you and the Court need to let him suffer the consequences. Sorry. You are not getting support now, so the idea of not getting it while he is in jail? Big Whoop. Is it hard for the kids? Sure..but it is also a learning lesson for them. Would I feel bad for my kiddos? Sure. I would do whatever I could in the situation but should the result be something else, I would prepare them and explain to them. During divorce most kids start to understand that the judge decides what happens...mine did. They understand when two people can't agree the judge decides and we have to do that. Kids understand that when THEY can't agree, mom and dad steps in and makes the decision for THEM.

I guess it is simple to say you can see both sides of the coin from this thread but honestly, it is simple and pretty much cut and dried. While you will have to deal with the emotions and the child etc, dad has made his bed. He has been given chances. The State, the judge, the Court have made their decision. Why feel guilty when you had no say?

As for 'forgiving' child support. In a perfect world with a perfect set of parents this would be a great idea. Both people contribute and raise healthy wonderful children who have wanted for nothing. We didn't get the Child Support System because this is the norm out there people. We ended needing the system because most NCP out there ARE not like that and the children DESERVE more. Period.

Kelly

 

[kellyg403]

There's nothing you can at this point to prevent it? Has it gone on so long that they'll pick him up no matter what you say or do? (I don't mean this to sound sarcastic, I realize that sometimes things can go on so far and then it's out of anyone's power to change the outcome). If so, then it truly is up to him to help himself now. All I know for sure is that you said that your son will miss out on spending time with his father if he goes to jail, and THAT'S why I made my comment about, if it was in my power, to NOT allow my EX to go to jail.

Having been in the OP's position, albeit the state of NY, they just want the money that is owed the court to pass on to the child. Short of the OP going to the court and paying that amount and getting it back through the support system, he is going to be jailed for 30 days for Contempt of Court. Period. Most likely he will serve 18 days. He could serve 0 days right this minute if he goes down and makes the payment that is required. The required payment is not the arrearage either..it is the amount of discrepancy he owes from the court date he initiated to the date of the warrant. That could be 100 dollars since the OP said he made partial payments for it could be 300 dollars. Don't know but usually that is how it works.

I am not cold hearted in the situation, just understand how it works. I wish there were some middle of the road in the situation, but letting it get this far, dad has to cope with the responsibilities. Even to the point, where if he is not willing to pay he needs to sit down with his son and let him know he has made some choices and those choices means he wont be coming on his weekend but will make it up to him when he gets back. He can even tell the child he is going to go look for a job. There are many ways for this situation to be handled that DO NOT harm the child. Children are resilient and at the OP's childs age, just conversation with out the details will suffice to keep all the relationships intact. OP doesn't have to slam the dad about his deadbeat non paying self to the child nor does dad have to say your mother is putting me in jail because I won't give her money. There is a middle ground when explaining the consequences to the child, even to the point of not mentioning where the dad will be for a few weeks. Obviously if he decides not to pay the court what they are wanting he WILL be there for a few weeks. If he decides to pay what amount the court is looking for, jail is not even in the equation. He gets the pass.

Pretty cut and dried at this point. The court/child support want the money. How they get it and how much time he spends in jail is the DAD's responsibility. Mom can only scrape up the money and pay it for him if she would like. That would save all the grief. I personally would not do that..but it is an option.

Kelly

 

[Skywalker]

He could serve 0 days right this minute if he goes down and makes the payment that is required...

Even to the point, where if he is not willing to pay he needs to sit down with his son and let him know he has made some choices and those choices means he wont be coming on his weekend but will make it up to him when he gets back...

OP doesn't have to slam the dad about his deadbeat non paying self to the child ......

Obviously if he decides not to pay the court what they are wanting he WILL be there for a few weeks. If he decides to pay what amount the court is looking for, jail is not even in the equation.
Kelly

Hope you don't mind me pulling some lines from your post...

What you are saying is fine IF someone is a "deadbeat" but seriously I guess you have never had money problems?

You have a lot in your post about "deciding" to pay or being "willing" to pay. What about if he just can't pay? Have you ever been in a place in your life where you did not have two pennies to rub together, never mind a hundred?

To me, deadbeat parents are the one who are out there living in their McMansions, driving their Porsches and just not giving a damn...that is different then someone who has lost their job and has no money to pay!

That is where the compassion should come in.

 

[kellyg403]

Hope you don't mind me pulling some lines from your post...

What you are saying is fine IF someone is a "deadbeat" but seriously I guess you have never had money problems?

You have a lot in your post about "deciding" to pay or being "willing" to pay. What about if he just can't pay? Have you ever been in a place in your life where you did not have two pennies to rub together, never mind a hundred?

To me, deadbeat parents are the one who are out there living in their McMansions, driving their Porsches and just not giving a damn...that is different then someone who has lost their job and has no money to pay!

That is where the compassion should come in.

Yes, I have been in the position. I have had times where I worked three jobs because I did not get the child support. I didn't take my ex back to court time and time again because he was a good parent to the kids when he saw them. My children spent many a night riding in the back seat of car while I delivered pizza for the tips so I could buy diapers. But, whats the point. That is the emotional side of the story.

By what the OP has posted here there are facts that can not be denied. I do not know dad, I don't think he is a deadbeat. I think dad is a good father who doesn't like to keep a job. The unfortunate thing is that while mom and stepdad are doing everything they can to keep things going without the support there are facts that can not be denied from what has been posted. Dad lives with parents and always has. Dad is in his 30's. Mom has never initiated any type of court/support hearings...dad has. Somehow, someway at the time Dad not only got his support INCREASED but was given an ultimatum re: the bench warrent if he did not consistently pay. Dad loses job whether by quitting, fired whatever. Dad did not go back to the court and initiate another hearing before it got to the point of the bench warrant being issued. Mom is willing to help him but he wants the whole pie or nothing. Dad now has a bench warrant because HE did not go to the court and straighten this out. He wants MOM to figure out a way to fix his situation...a situation not of her making or something she can fix. Ultimately this is between the dad and the court.

I stand by the thought that while emotionally I feel for the dad, as an adult this is something he has to fix, get straightened out or face the consequences of. It sucks. I agree. But, I do not think the OP is in a situation to do anything more but feel bad for dad. She can call the court and try to resolve something. If that is what she wants to do for the sake of the lasting relationship with child and dad..which by the way..even the relationship between child and dad is DAD's responsibility. We make choices. His choice in this matter was to call mom and yell and tell her to fix it. He did not go to the Friend of the Court on the day that he lost his job. He did make partial payments. But, I am quite certain he recieved letters and information before now that said 'hey you are in danger here'. He ignored it. Now, we get down to the final minute he wants mom to rescue him. How?
Short of paying the bill because it will come back to her at some point, how does it get fixed by the mom?

Kelly

 

[jodifla]

When I read this thread, what strikes me is that you REALLY want to pick the father of your children carefully. It's pretty easy to predict how things will end up when you get involved with a man who is really just a boy.

It sounds like he's remaining pretty much the way he has always been. It doesn't help that Michigan's economy is so terrible right now, making it hard to do the right thing. People who think he should just "pay up" are CLUELESS.....there are people have been looking for jobs for MONTHS and YEARS in this state.

I can see the point of putting a man who is UNWILLING to pay in jail, but what is the point of putting a man who is unable to pay?

 

[Carly_Roach]

First he did not leave me. I left him. We were never married.

He is a 32 year old man who has always lived at home with his parents, the only bills he has ever had to pay is car insurance. It is unfortunate becuase he is not very eductaed and he does not have GED or diploma.

My ex has lived with his family since I met him 12 years ago, he has never lived on his own.

he doesn't realize how much goes into raising him because he hasn't ever had to do it. I will admit that is partly my fault, I left him while I was pregnant.

So you had sex with a man who had no possible future of being a good dad. When you got pregnant, you left him. Obviously this wasn't a "till death do you part" love afair. But you are still expecting him to continue to support your decision to keep the child and raise it yourself, even though you knew he was a deadbeat when you were sleeping around with him.

I'm sorry if it offends the OP (or others here), but in cases like these where summer flings or one-night-stands result in unwanted children that neither party are in a position to raise, I'd have to advocate for a law that states that the man in the situtation has a right to offer to pay for an abortion or to sign off his rights in an adoption hearing. If the woman turns that offer down, and chooses to keep the child to raise herself, she does so with the understanding that the man no longer has any curtailments placed on him: either timewise or monetarily.

If the woman has religious reasons for not choosing an abortion, then she should have given the baby up for adoption. Her "religious reasons" should have been in place to keep her from sleeping with a man who wasn't her husband. Her "religious reasons" should have kept her from having a romantic fling that could result in an unexpected pregnancy.

As for the posters who believe I'm a wife of a man who pays child support, you are wrong. DH doesn't have any children, nor do I. We've merely seen both sides of this argument countless times. I'm as hard on the woman who are obviously out to punish the man for the rest of their lives as I am on the man who insisted that a woman NOT carry through with an abortion (her choice), he marries her for a year, then he divorces her when "playing house" wasn't all it was cracked up to be, leaving her to raise the baby on her own with no child support from him.

 

[livie1205]

So you had sex with a man who had no possible future of being a good dad. When you got pregnant, you left him. Obviously this wasn't a "till death do you part" love afair. But you are still expecting him to continue to support your decision to keep the child and raise it yourself, even though you knew he was a deadbeat when you were sleeping around with him.

I'm sorry if it offends the OP (or others here), but in cases like these where summer flings or one-night-stands result in unwanted children that neither party are in a position to raise, I'd have to advocate for a law that states that the man in the situtation has a right to offer to pay for an abortion or to sign off his rights in an adoption hearing. If the woman turns that offer down, and chooses to keep the child to raise herself, she does so with the understanding that the man no longer has any curtailments placed on him: either timewise or monetarily.

If the woman has religious reasons for not choosing an abortion, then she should have given the baby up for adoption. Her "religious reasons" should have been in place to keep her from sleeping with a man who wasn't her husband. Her "religious reasons" should have kept her from having a romantic fling that could result in an unexpected pregnancy.

As for the posters who believe I'm a wife of a man who pays child support, you are wrong. DH doesn't have any children, nor do I. We've merely seen both sides of this argument countless times. I'm as hard on the woman who are obviously out to punish the man for the rest of their lives as I am on the man who insisted that a woman NOT carry through with an abortion (her choice), he marries her for a year, then he divorces her when "playing house" wasn't all it was cracked up to be, leaving her to raise the baby on her own with no child support from him.

OH GO AWAY! you do not even have kids and you wanna talk abortion? you can not always tell if someone is going to be a deadbeat dad! people change..I had no clue ahead of time my ex would be a wife abusing loser deadbeat dad...op ex does have money,he is doing it under the table so the money can not be taken...
my ex IS going to jail,he does NOTHING for my son and he is a awful parent...he owes 17,000! Thank god my son has my dh to be a good dad to him! The money is not the the reason I want him in jail (we have done without it fine,my dh is a good provider) he does not give my son his meds (he HAS to have them) he wont take him to the dr, and he got his teen g friend pregnant and she left him so he takes my son to strange girls houses to spend the night! He was found in contempt over many things.
I think their is nothing wrong with a grown man having to pay for the wrong things he has done...THE COURT ordered the CS to be paid! That means it has to be paid...they do not care about anything else CS comes first.MY ex spends over 600.00 a month in bars but stopped paying support a year ago...

 

[Carly_Roach]

When I read this thread, what strikes me is that you REALLY want to pick the father of your children carefully. It's pretty easy to predict how things will end up when you get involved with a man who is really just a boy.

It sounds like he's remaining pretty much the way he has always been. It doesn't help that Michigan's economy is so terrible right now, making it hard to do the right thing. People who think he should just "pay up" are CLUELESS.....there are people have been looking for jobs for MONTHS and YEARS in this state.

I can see the point of putting a man who is UNWILLING to pay in jail, but what is the point of putting a man who is unable to pay?

The point is to "teach him a lesson".

If he doesn't even have a high school diploma, has a history of being a troublesome employee and now he has a jail record, he's unlikely to be able to get a good job in the future. Especially in a state that's been in a one-state Depression for almost 10 years now.

For his sake, I hope he does turn his life around, learns from his mistake of not keeping it in his pants, pays off the woman who insisted on keeping the child, and finds peace later on in life. The best ending would be for him to finish paying what she's demands from him, even if he has to starve for a few years, and then finds a life somewhere else that allows him to live freely, happily, and far away from the hell he experienced in the 2000's.

However, since this man has a history of being a lazy man who can't keep a job, I'm suspecting that eventually he's going to run when he can and try to build his life (maybe under a different name) elsewhere. In this case, the mother will get nothing. Ever. And the end result will be that the child loses his relationship with his biological father.

 

[kellyg403]

When I read this thread, what strikes me is that you REALLY want to pick the father of your children carefully. It's pretty easy to predict how things will end up when you get involved with a man who is really just a boy.

It sounds like he's remaining pretty much the way he has always been. It doesn't help that Michigan's economy is so terrible right now, making it hard to do the right thing. People who think he should just "pay up" are CLUELESS.....there are people have been looking for jobs for MONTHS and YEARS in this state.

I can see the point of putting a man who is UNWILLING to pay in jail, but what is the point of putting a man who is unable to pay?

And I agree...but the OP and her now dh also live in Michigan. Tomorrow the stepdad who works in the auto industry could find himself without a job. He has an obligation to keep food on the table and a roof over his families head, since we agree that he married the OP knowing she had a child and so far appears to be taking the financial burden. If they apply for aid from the state should that happen the state will again go after the dad who also does not have a job.

Would that change the scenerio for some people? I don't know. Would everyone who thinks mom should figure out a way to convince the court to keep him out of jail or in that situation he gets what he deserves?

Sometimes our version of 'unwilling' is not the court system's version. I feel for the OP because technically she can not win in this situation. And none of it is in her control to fix or win.

Kelly

 

[Carly_Roach]

OH GO AWAY! you do not even have kids and you wanna talk abortion? you can not always tell if someone is going to be a deadbeat dad! people change..I had no clue ahead of time my ex would be a wife abusing loser deadbeat dad...op ex does have money,he is doing it under the table so the money can not be taken...
my ex IS going to jail,he does NOTHING for my son and he is a awful parent...he owes 17,000! Thank god my son has my dh to be a good dad to him! The money is not the the reason I want him in jail (we have done without it fine,my dh is a good provider) he does not give my son his meds (he HAS to have them) he wont take him to the dr, and he got his teen g friend pregnant and she left him so he takes my son to strange girls houses to spend the night! He was found in contempt over many things.
I think their is nothing wrong with a grown man having to pay for the wrong things he has done...THE COURT ordered the CS to be paid! That means it has to be paid...they do not care about anything else CS comes first.MY ex spends over 600.00 a month in bars but stopped paying support a year ago...

Thank you for proving my point.

The point is to "teach him a lesson".

 

[livie1205]

Thank you for proving my point.

teaching him a lesson had nothing to do with my post....I do not care if MY ex is taught a lesson, he is a danger to my son....he has to go!

 

[kellyg403]

The point is to "teach him a lesson".

However, since this man has a history of being a lazy man who can't keep a job, I'm suspecting that eventually he's going to run when he can and try to build his life (maybe under a different name) elsewhere. In this case, the mother will get nothing. Ever. And the end result will be that the child loses his relationship with his biological father.

And that will be DAD's CHOICE. Dad has a variety of choices. Grow up, get a GED, go to school etc etc. There are THOUSANDS of people who find themselves in the situation of losing jobs they have held FOR years that are back out in the workplace or getting an education to get a job.

If I have a job I hate, but I know I have financial obligations I keep my job until I get a better one or one I like. I don't walk away from it and think what the heck, who cares.

It doesn't matter what a person, when they are young and immature are like. It doesn't matter at all. I have seen people I never thought would survive past 20, but one day they grew up and are responsible people. I don't think anyone assumes you can know a person completely at 20 something...change is gradual and sometimes the change is good and sometimes it is not. I am glad that I give the benefit of the doubt and not cubbyhole people on how they act or appear at twentysomething.

Kelly

 

[OceanAnnie]

So you had sex with a man who had no possible future of being a good dad. When you got pregnant, you left him. Obviously this wasn't a "till death do you part" love afair. But you are still expecting him to continue to support your decision to keep the child and raise it yourself, even though you knew he was a deadbeat when you were sleeping around with him.

I'm sorry if it offends the OP (or others here), but in cases like these where summer flings or one-night-stands result in unwanted children that neither party are in a position to raise, I'd have to advocate for a law that states that the man in the situtation has a right to offer to pay for an abortion or to sign off his rights in an adoption hearing. If the woman turns that offer down, and chooses to keep the child to raise herself, she does so with the understanding that the man no longer has any curtailments placed on him: either timewise or monetarily.

If the woman has religious reasons for not choosing an abortion, then she should have given the baby up for adoption. Her "religious reasons" should have been in place to keep her from sleeping with a man who wasn't her husband. Her "religious reasons" should have kept her from having a romantic fling that could result in an unexpected pregnancy.

As for the posters who believe I'm a wife of a man who pays child support, you are wrong. DH doesn't have any children, nor do I. We've merely seen both sides of this argument countless times. I'm as hard on the woman who are obviously out to punish the man for the rest of their lives as I am on the man who insisted that a woman NOT carry through with an abortion (her choice), he marries her for a year, then he divorces her when "playing house" wasn't all it was cracked up to be, leaving her to raise the baby on her own with no child support from him.

Extremely harsh and totally inappropriate! Really there is no reason to be so vile. Vile. The OP came to vent. You couldn't disagree more with the OP. It's been evident. Your disagreement already come across loud and clear prior to this post. You don't have to add shock value to your posts to get that across. Sad that you had to stoop so low. Your whole post is offensive.

You really owe the OP an apology.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Extremely harsh and totally inappropriate! Really there is no reason to be so vile. Vile. The OP came to vent. You couldn't disagree more with the OP. It's been evident. Your disagreement already come across loud and clear prior to this post. You don't have to add shock value to your posts to get that across. Sad that you had to stoop so low. Your whole post is offensive.

You really owe the OP an apology.

I'm sorry you find my opinions vile. I often find things I read here to be vile myself, but I don't often say so to the people who hold those opinions because, well, I guess that would be considered a personal attack. Kind of like yours on me above.

The fact of the matter is that we all share different opinions. Mine is obviously different from others because my life experience is different. The OP's own mother doesn't share the OP's opinion so the OP came here hoping she'd find some validation from other women who share the same values as herself....which she did. Overwhelmingly.

Unfortunately, when you post on a public message board, you're not always going to get just the opinions that validate your own. That's the blessing and the curse of public message boards. You're going to get opinions that not only disagree with yours, but probably sound similar to those people in your real life whom have likely told you the same thing that drove you to seek validation from strangers in the first place.

You may consider that vile, and you're very welcome to your opinion that it IS vile. However, your opinion that I am vile is just that: an opinion. If you believe your opinion of me makes me what I am, then I ask that you change your opinion to believe that I just won the lottery and I am a millionaire now.

If you'll do that, I'll donate $1,000 to the charity of your choice in your name.

Thank you.

 

[drag n' fly]

The personal circumstances of the OP really do not matter in this case. What matters is the well being of the child. I am owed 30,000 dollars in child support. I truly understand how difficult it can be to raise children with no child support coming in. My ex husband lost his job, was on workman's compensation, went to jail, went into hiding, went back to jail. He has never been forgiven for his responsibilities and a lien has been placed against his estate, been registered with maintenance enforcement (with interest being accrued) for when he finally kicks the bucket. I won't receive anything but I have done all I can to ensure money can be taken (if their is any). I really hope the OP is able to resolve these issues based on what's best for the child and not let personal emotions towards her ex interfere in this case.

 

[barkley]

The personal circumstances of the OP really do not matter in this case. What matters is the well being of the child. I am owed 30,000 dollars in child support. I truly understand how difficult it can be to raise children with no child support coming in. My ex husband lost his job, was on workman's compensation, went to jail, went into hiding, went back to jail. He has never been forgiven for his responsibilities and a lien has been placed against his estate, been registered with maintenance enforcement (with interest being accrued) for when he finally kicks the bucket. I won't receive anything but I have done all I can to ensure money can be taken (if their is any). I really hope the OP is able to resolve these issues based on what's best for the child and not let personal emotions towards her ex interfere in this case.

you may also collect if he inherits something.

i'm aware of a situation similar to the op's. the dad always lived with his parents and they would never think to help him with his c/s but if he was threatened with jail they always came up with the minimum to keep him out or they insisted he pay out of what they well knew were the unreported/under the table earnings he had access to.

flash forward to when the kids are teens and grandma passes away leaving the home to be divided between the father and a couple of his sibs-home sells and before a penny is distributed from the escrow account the father's long overdue c/s arrearages are paid in full.

 

[ms.yt]

So you had sex with a man who had no possible future of being a good dad. When you got pregnant, you left him. Obviously this wasn't a "till death do you part" love afair. But you are still expecting him to continue to support your decision to keep the child and raise it yourself, even though you knew he was a deadbeat when you were sleeping around with him.

I'm sorry if it offends the OP (or others here), but in cases like these where summer flings or one-night-stands result in unwanted children that neither party are in a position to raise, I'd have to advocate for a law that states that the man in the situtation has a right to offer to pay for an abortion or to sign off his rights in an adoption hearing. If the woman turns that offer down, and chooses to keep the child to raise herself, she does so with the understanding that the man no longer has any curtailments placed on him: either timewise or monetarily.

If the woman has religious reasons for not choosing an abortion, then she should have given the baby up for adoption. Her "religious reasons" should have been in place to keep her from sleeping with a man who wasn't her husband. Her "religious reasons" should have kept her from having a romantic fling that could result in an unexpected pregnancy.

As for the posters who believe I'm a wife of a man who pays child support, you are wrong. DH doesn't have any children, nor do I. We've merely seen both sides of this argument countless times. I'm as hard on the woman who are obviously out to punish the man for the rest of their lives as I am on the man who insisted that a woman NOT carry through with an abortion (her choice), he marries her for a year, then he divorces her when "playing house" wasn't all it was cracked up to be, leaving her to raise the baby on her own with no child support from him.

Wow! I've heard a lot of ridiculous and crazy things in my 38 years, but I think your proposed "law" has to be the winner. You think that a woman should be forced by the government to get an abortion or give her child up for adoption if she gets pregnant by a loser? You said something about him getting to choose to sign away his rights if she decides to keep it, but then you went in the direction of forced abortion or adoption. That has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Even if the signing away the rights thing was a possibility, the OP's ex wouldn't likely take that option. She said he had been an active part in the kid's life, but he was just balking on paying his support (being paid under the table). For some reason, you seem to have a lot of contempt for women trying to raise children and give the deadbeat dads the benefit of the doubt every time, but you say that neither you or your husband has kids. Since you're so good at making assumptions about others, I'm going to assume that either you're extremely bitter because you haven't been able to have kids of your own or you have a close family member that has been "victimized" by a mother trying to collect child support. If not, I can't begin to speculate on what would cause you to have such a hateful attitude about this issue.

 

[Carly_Roach]

He has never been forgiven for his responsibilities and a lien has been placed against his estate, been registered with maintenance enforcement (with interest being accrued) for when he finally kicks the bucket. I won't receive anything but I have done all I can to ensure money can be taken (if their is any). I really hope the OP is able to resolve these issues based on what's best for the child and not let personal emotions towards her ex interfere in this case.

That continues to be my hopes for anyone in these kinds of situations. I see so much of parents using their children to "get back at" or "get even" with the other person. Money almost always seems to be at the base of these issues, closely followed by bitterness that he actually left.

flash forward to when the kids are teens and grandma passes away leaving the home to be divided between the father and a couple of his sibs-home sells and before a penny is distributed from the escrow account the father's long overdue c/s arrearages are paid in full.

I refer to these kinds of payments as "finally paying off the relationship". I'm 45 and know a few people who were able to "finally pay off" the relationship by giving the demanding person the money they wanted...and then never seeing them again.

The relief I've seen come from the ending of child support payments, and the ability to finally....FINALLY... have that woman out of their lives forever, is palpable. I've seen two men who my DH has known for the past 10 years do complete turnarounds in their lives because the kids graduated high school or college and they were free to divorce their wives and start their lives over again.

One of these men was a deep concern to my DH. He'd say to me, "He's going to commit suicide. I just know it. One day we'll get that call and hear he's shot himself."

After that man's 22 y/o graduated, he went home, told his wife he was done, the kids were raised and he wanted a divorce. He packed his stuff and moved to another city. No marriage counselling, no trial separation, no mid-life crisis girlfriend waiting in a hotel room somewhere. He just wanted out and felt he'd done his time for the stupid mistake he'd made 23 years ago when they both had sex and then he agreed to marry her.

He didn't stay because he loved the mother. He just new that he couldn't divorce her mother earlier because he couldn't afford two households AND child support on his salary. So he "did the right thing" and waited for it to be over. All the mother cared about was having the right house, the right car, the right neighborhood, doing all the soccer-mom kinds of things and showing the world what a great wife and mother she was.

I don't know what he's going to do about his pension or whatever, but I do know that he's a way totally different guy now. DH no longer worries about him being alone with his service revolver. He's happy and jokes around. He's a mentor to the younger men and tells them to learn from his mistakes when they talk about going to the bar and picking up girls.

He goes bowling with the guys and really seems to be enjoying himself instead of just pretending. The relief is visible to anyone who knew him and we are all grateful he finally got out. I hope he finds someone who will love him for himself as he begins his journey toward retirement. He deserves that. He's a good man.

So you see, when I see or hear of these women talking about ruining someone's life because he had the audacity to sleep with them, I have a lot of experience seeing the other side of the coin and have seen what ruined lives actually look like: regardless of whether the man stays with the woman or not.