Annoyed with my ex..Child support related (long)

[OceanAnnie]

When I read one of these threads it's always really obvious who is getting support and who is paying it

You know what actually struck me about the OP's post? The part where the unemployed guy took her back to court and yet his support was raised. Has to be more to that story.

The question i would have, if someone was crazy enough to make me a judge is how "unemployed" is the father. If the guy is working double shifts at McDonalds before his midnight job stocking and Wal Mart and TRYING to come up with the money that's one thing. If he's sitting at home, sending out 1 resume per week and waiting for someone to call him it's another.

I used to work with a guy who was in a nasty, spiteful divorce and made the bad mistake of not getting a good lawyer. The wife got a really good one. He ended up with a court order to pay more than he made. I read the transcript of that court case and it made no sense at all. I suspect the wife's lawyer and the judge played golf together.

I knew another guy who was really a stand up family guy. Before there was any court order he paid for EVERYTHING, let her live in the house, paid the utilities, just paid and paid. He had a new hydroseeded lawn put in and stopped by 2 weeks later and it was deader than dead. The soon to be ex told him since HE put it in she wasn't about to water it! He then got a lawyer and it cost her a ton of money.

These thing pretty rarely make sense

I thought the same thing.

 

[ProgressCity]

Agreed. What I know from her posts and signatures is that the OP lives in a very depressed city and has been married to a guy who's supported her and her children for five years. I've read that she doesn't have to work for a living but chooses to work part-time, and I can see that she's been taking annual trips to Walt Disney World, staying at the deluxe resorts each time, while the rest of the state of Michigan has been sinking into double-digit unemployment during that exact same time frame.

I don't begrudge her that, even though it sounds like I do. I'm just stating facts that I'm gathering from her past posts. In reality, I'm happy for her and her family that they could do all that. It sounds like she's having a wonderful life and it sounds like she's doing well. I know that many people are employed, making good money, saving for their retirement and I am truly happy for all of them. We need more people and families like that.

But where I have a (serious) problem is when I see these people, who are living well, now trying to extract every last drop of blood from someone who suddenly fell on bad times. He was paying on time for well over five years, it sounds like he was paying $500.00 a month which is nothing to sneeze at, and he was being a good father. Then the unemployment lighting strike hit them.

I see no compassion. The OP's remarried and can choose to work or stay at home. Her child isn't going to starve or go without medical care because his biological father is out of work. Her child may have to forego his annual trip to a deluxe WDW resort, but he's not going to be missing meals or have to live in the streets like his biological father is now going to have to do.

So you're right. I'm investing too much emotion into this based on what I know and don't know.

And since there's nothing I can say to change the minds of the people who've decided that the ex-husband is always wrong (especially if there are children involved) and he should have to pay no matter what, I'm going to have to stop now. This thread is making me nauseous and I draw the line when internet drama has an impact on my well-being.

OP, I wish you the best of luck. Happy Christmas.

I completely agree with this! Why be so petty? You're living well, going to WDW and staying at deluxe resorts, why not just get over it? Forgive the debt and let your ex have a good relationship with his kid. Will it ever make a difference to the kid if dad paid? No, all the kid is going to have is the memories of being with dad. It is only an issue for the kid if the parents make it that way. Frankly a child should have no knowledge of family finances (beyond being taught not to be greedy of course).

Remember, OP chose to get divorced, it takes two to tango. Her new DH chose to marry a woman with a child. There are so many families struggling with both parents working full time just to get their needs met and here is someone complaining that while she's staying at home not working and at WDW on deluxe vacations that checks aren't coming in from her unemployed ex. Absolutely disgusting in my opinion.

If I was ever divorced with a child and could manage on my own, there is no way I'd take a dime from my ex. If I needed his income then I shouldn't have divorced him (this is of course barring extreme circumstances like physical abuse, in which case I still would never rely on my abuser for financial support).

So, OP, you get to sit at home on the Disboards and go on deluxe vacations and lol at the problems your ex, who you yourself stated is a good dad, because he's had a hard time getting employment? What if he wrote you a check today for all the back support, what would it go to? Another deluxe WDW vacation? Bottom line is your child is not starving, the money would not go to feeding, housing, or clothing your child, it would go towards luxuries while the man who gave it to you desperately fights to keep in a home at all. Oh I know, maybe you could take the money and put it towards a new car! Your ex doesn't have one, but who cares. Compassion is overrated.

Why not be the better person? Why not count yourself blessed and share the blessings with your ex? Why not let him keep his money and his dignity so he could pick up your child in a car? He's not out there spending money on luxury items, otherwise he would have a car. What you're doing is letting money ruin relationships. Keep it up and your ex will disappear and then who is better off? You're not (no free babysitting which is really what the extra time your kid has with him is). Your kid certainly isn't. So who does it benefit? The child support goes to more luxury items, not to support your child. But I'm sure it's worth ruining a man's life to be able to get your kid an Xbox, or go on another vacation, or eat out, or get designer clothes, or whatever it is you'd spend the money on.

Oh, and in most states if the child spends more time with the non-custodial parent than is outlined you are supposed to pro-rate the child support. Not everyone does, but that's how it's written in a lot of states.

Frankly, this thread is insulting to all the hardworking single moms out there who are working for necessities and not luxuries and have a hard time getting child support. Thank goodness many of those women won't read this thread because things like computers and internet connections are luxuries that comes after feeding, clothing, and housing.

I'd start listening to your mom. Personally if my ex had to choose between feeding himself and not getting evicted or sending me child support when the child is in no danger of living in discomfort, much less destitution, I'd want my ex to do what's best for him because that would be what's best for the child. Children need happy parents, not money. To me this is just as disgusting as those people who trampled a person to death at Wal-Mart last year on Black Friday. Things and money taking precedence over people. Is your kid starving? Is he on the verge of being homeless? Is he wearing shoes that are 2 sizes too small because you can't afford to get new ones? Are you looking in your pantry with despair because there's just a few cans of baked beans and potato pearls left in there? Then get over it. There are people with real problems out there. I don't have a problem with you venting, we all need to, it's healthy. I have a problem with the actions you are taking (or not taking) that are going to end up ruining your sons relationship with his dad over something as petty as money that you don't even need. I don't know your whole situation, but your OP makes it look like things are just going so well for you that you needed to find something to complain about and an ex not paying child support that you don't need (even though you may want it) is an easy thing to get upset about and come on a forum and get a lot of people rallying to your side over. A good bit of drama to fill an otherwise boring afternoon since you don't have to be at work or anything.

I'm half tempted to get your address and send you a check for this guy's child support. Let me guess though, that wouldn't make you happy either because that's not the issue here. The issue is making your ex suffer.

Like Carly, I'm getting sick to my stomach from this thread so I'll leave everyone to it. Flame me, demonize me, whatever because I had the audacity to side with a man when this poor woman is suffering and this year might have to -gasp- stay at a value resort or -gasp- start working full time. Though my guess is she'll do neither of these things because she doesn't need the money that bad, just bad enough to make a man live in fear of being arrested because he can't find a job and can't afford a car, much less pay child luxury -oops- child support payments. I wish it was appropriate to discuss these things with children because I'd bet your child would be willing to do without some things if it meant his dad got to have some necessities. He'd probably look around at your home, his clothes, your kitchen, and be confused as to why you don't just forgive his dad's debt so he can move forward and build an even better relationship with him. I agree with child support, but it is clear that the child is being supported fine. Do you begrudge your child the money that you must pay since his dad can't right now? I hope not, and I really don't think you do, that would be just too evil for a Disboard member .

I pray that you'll find a little bit of compassion in your heart. Are you giving to charity this year? You might want to consider what a little charity could do for your ex's situation this year and consider forgiving his debt or halting collections on him. The only way states get involved in child support cases is if you tell them to or if you start collecting state welfare. The child support receiver always has the power to halt collection actions. You clearly have the upper hand here. You are clearly in the better position. Why not extend an olive branch, halt collections and talk to your ex? I know talking to ex's is not a joyous activity, but it could really make a difference in everyone's lives that are involved if you talked to him about what's going on. Maybe you'd be willing to halt collections if he met with certain requirements? Maybe if he proved to you he was actively looking for a job you could come to an agreement to hold off payments and then let him catch up when he gets a job? Who does that hurt? No one. Who does it help? Everyone. You have a real opportunity here to be the better person. It is in your power to lighten a fellow human beings burden, why not do it?

My 2 cents, or $2 whatever I get quite long winded. It just shocks me how many people got on a thread in this forum about charity and demonized a woman for being annoyed at so many people wanting charity, and yet almost the exact opposite is happening here and so many people are getting up in arms in a "you don't owe him anything" attitude. You're right, she doesn't owe him anything, he legitimately owes child support. Yet so many of you like to preach about giving to charity, but are unwilling to show a charitable attitude towards the OP's ex. One woman gets demonized for not being charitable enough, another gets sainthood for not showing charity at all . Oh the mystery of the Disboards.

 

[Allison]

Remember, OP chose to get divorced, it takes two to tango. Her new DH chose to marry a woman with a child.

Lets also remember the new DW's who choose to marry a man with a child (aren't they tangoing also?) and then have issues with the so-called "evil" ex-wife and the obligations they knew they had when they entered into the relationship.

It goes both ways doesn't it and reality is usually somewhere in the middle.

 

[momof1princess]

ok, as a former legal secretary, i'm going to chime in here on a couple of points. the mom has NO say in how much child support she gets-child support is calculated by a rather complicated child support guideline formula based on each party's income (and new DH's income, in OP's case). if OP's ex had his child support raised when he was supposedly not working, obviously, the judge felt there was more to the story. remember, the OP said her ex was working under the table, so he IS trying to get out of paying his child support by not reporting that income. there are those rare cases where a dad volunteers to pay a specific amount or the parties agree on a set amount, but a judge doesn't have to accept those numbers and won't, in most cases, if they are lower than the guidelines amount.
also, in many cases (not all, so please don't flame me), child support is taken out of a father's check directly because he has shown a less-than-regular willingness to pay. frequently, a mother will have to specifically petition the court to get child support taken out directly so that it will be paid, because dad often "forgets" or claims he doesn't have the money this week. now, to be fair, a father can ask that CS be taken out of his check by income withholding order, to make it more convenient for him, but that is the exception, not the norm.
OP, i hope the situation is resolved soon. good luck.

 

[Keli]

OP, In your situation I would do what I could to keep my child's father out of jail for failing to make support payments. Mainly because he is a good father to the child in other ways and takes him every week. That is incredibly valuable to your son's well being and his sense of worth.
Plus, how is your son going to feel about you if daddy goes to jail and doesn't pick him up next week? If he even gets wind of the idea that you could have tried to stop that but didn't how will he feel? If his dad didn't show up, didn't spend time with him, didn't do other 'good' dad things I would be worried. But in this case you could end up with a child that blames you for a situation his father created.
I'm not at all convinced you can do a blessed thing to stop this but I would make the effort so that your ds will know you did everything you could to keep daddy in his life. This situation isn't your fault and maybe it's unfair that you have to try to clean it up but I would do it if I were you for your son's sake.

 

[babycakes01]

I'd like to chime in also-to the OP what is ordered for your child is what you should rightfully expect to receive. If the judge increased the support order, there is a reason-and maybe her ex is more able bodied than w think.

I too, have been trying to collect support from my ex-he owes me over 15,000 at this point, I have received payments sporadically-nothing to count on though. Fighting with the court system to find ways to collect from my ex has become a joke-all his assets are in his mom's/new GF's names. It really does get demoralizing to have to fight/argue over being able to provide the extras for my DD- yes, I said extras- my DH of 10 years supports her-health ins.,medications,surgery, clothes,food,trips to WDW and cruises. But at times like this summer when he was without a job that little bit of $ would have been helpful! My DH has since found another job and all is well again, but that's not the point-that $ is ordered to HELP support your child- and we all know it takes more $ to raise a child than what is received in child support.

I have seen the child support thing from both sides- my DH has 2 sons-in 2005 one of his sons came to live with us- we didn't ask the mother for anything- neither my DH nor his ex at that point were paying support to eachother. Well the son that came to live ith us graduated HS in '06 and was accepted at his choice of colleges, in their divorce decree she agreed to help pay for college-well at that point she says no-so DH took her to court for some child support to help pay for college-this is a woman who makes 150,000 a year! he was ordered to receive 40 a week!! the calculation was 1/2 ved because of the other son at home-well fast forward to 2008 and she decides since the support order for the older son is over/done with she is going to take DH to court for support for the youngest son- DH was ordered to pay 168 weekly.
Now, the youngest son is away at college and she made him take all student loans and he isn't living at home-but @ school and is home 1 weekend a month-he is receiving no benefit from the $ DH pays her to help support the child.
I have been told she has redone her kitchen last month and this past summer put in an all paver patio in her backyard.

I guess my point is I feel very angry that I can't even get the support my child needs, but because my DH is an upstanding guy he pays his-and on time-and when he was without a job this summer-it was paid from our savings-as the court refused to pay to lower his amt-even a temporary order would have been nice.

Sometimes the system is really messed up-I can see it from both sides and I'm going to have a party on 4/5/2011-the date DH has to make his last support payment.

 

[disneymarie]

So now he wants me to contact Friend of the Court for what..not sure. I don't want to do it i am so annoyed by him and this situation.

Another thing that annoys me about it is the fact that my mom seems to be on his side. Doesn't she realize how my husband and I had to struggle for months to put food on the table and pay bills, buy medication (for my son), pay insurance (since his Dad doesn't supply it which he is required to do), not to mention the school supplies he needs, lunch money, etc.

But I should be such a B**ch....ARG!

Uh thanks for reading my vent...

CharityLynn

Charity, You are cutting him way too much slack. If he is getting by getting money under the counter, then he should be giving you'/court weekly money of some kind.
He is still getting U/C and they are not hitting him with tax and other deductions there.
Then he wants you to interceed, that is not an option. They have rules in place to keep kids best interest. It is not an option not to pay something steadily. Had he been doing that there would not be a warrant,

Do come up with a good come back when he calls about these issues. Like not my problem, I have to worry how to pay our bills to keep a roof over the kids, your a big boy figure it out.
Thank you for sharing, I wish you the best in your new unincumbered life.
He should have the court no. on speed dial.

Maybe if your Mom is concerned enough she should lend him the money.. He can do like work in exchange, make a payment plan.
It is not your problem though and glad you are venting, just do not lose sleep over it.

Many years ago my ex had less wages after 18 years then he did in the begining from the same employer....getting paid under the table. Then he was injured went on disabilty...the Soc Sec was based on his reported earnings so he ended up with as low as you can go now later in life.

So what did he do, used his w/c settlement and bought a bar....the one he use to take our food stamps to for cash to drink....
It is always about them, not the kids.

You are not a bad mom because your hands are tied, Don't let him play you into that. do not make any more calls to the court for him.
That is unacceptable and a control he is using.
they know what is going on; even if it is $20 a week that is something. It is the NOTHING that is the problem.
di

 

[leighe]

I completely agree with this! Why be so petty? You're living well, going to WDW and staying at deluxe resorts, why not just get over it? Forgive the debt and let your ex have a good relationship with his kid. Will it ever make a difference to the kid if dad paid? No, all the kid is going to have is the memories of being with dad. It is only an issue for the kid if the parents make it that way. Frankly a child should have no knowledge of family finances (beyond being taught not to be greedy of course).

Remember, OP chose to get divorced, it takes two to tango. Her new DH chose to marry a woman with a child. There are so many families struggling with both parents working full time just to get their needs met and here is someone complaining that while she's staying at home not working and at WDW on deluxe vacations that checks aren't coming in from her unemployed ex. Absolutely disgusting in my opinion.

If I was ever divorced with a child and could manage on my own, there is no way I'd take a dime from my ex. If I needed his income then I shouldn't have divorced him (this is of course barring extreme circumstances like physical abuse, in which case I still would never rely on my abuser for financial support).

So, OP, you get to sit at home on the Disboards and go on deluxe vacations and lol at the problems your ex, who you yourself stated is a good dad, because he's had a hard time getting employment? What if he wrote you a check today for all the back support, what would it go to? Another deluxe WDW vacation? Bottom line is your child is not starving, the money would not go to feeding, housing, or clothing your child, it would go towards luxuries while the man who gave it to you desperately fights to keep in a home at all. Oh I know, maybe you could take the money and put it towards a new car! Your ex doesn't have one, but who cares. Compassion is overrated.

Why not be the better person? Why not count yourself blessed and share the blessings with your ex? Why not let him keep his money and his dignity so he could pick up your child in a car? He's not out there spending money on luxury items, otherwise he would have a car. What you're doing is letting money ruin relationships. Keep it up and your ex will disappear and then who is better off? You're not (no free babysitting which is really what the extra time your kid has with him is). Your kid certainly isn't. So who does it benefit? The child support goes to more luxury items, not to support your child. But I'm sure it's worth ruining a man's life to be able to get your kid an Xbox, or go on another vacation, or eat out, or get designer clothes, or whatever it is you'd spend the money on.

Oh, and in most states if the child spends more time with the non-custodial parent than is outlined you are supposed to pro-rate the child support. Not everyone does, but that's how it's written in a lot of states.

Frankly, this thread is insulting to all the hardworking single moms out there who are working for necessities and not luxuries and have a hard time getting child support. Thank goodness many of those women won't read this thread because things like computers and internet connections are luxuries that comes after feeding, clothing, and housing.

I'd start listening to your mom. Personally if my ex had to choose between feeding himself and not getting evicted or sending me child support when the child is in no danger of living in discomfort, much less destitution, I'd want my ex to do what's best for him because that would be what's best for the child. Children need happy parents, not money. To me this is just as disgusting as those people who trampled a person to death at Wal-Mart last year on Black Friday. Things and money taking precedence over people. Is your kid starving? Is he on the verge of being homeless? Is he wearing shoes that are 2 sizes too small because you can't afford to get new ones? Are you looking in your pantry with despair because there's just a few cans of baked beans and potato pearls left in there? Then get over it. There are people with real problems out there. I don't have a problem with you venting, we all need to, it's healthy. I have a problem with the actions you are taking (or not taking) that are going to end up ruining your sons relationship with his dad over something as petty as money that you don't even need. I don't know your whole situation, but your OP makes it look like things are just going so well for you that you needed to find something to complain about and an ex not paying child support that you don't need (even though you may want it) is an easy thing to get upset about and come on a forum and get a lot of people rallying to your side over. A good bit of drama to fill an otherwise boring afternoon since you don't have to be at work or anything.

I'm half tempted to get your address and send you a check for this guy's child support. Let me guess though, that wouldn't make you happy either because that's not the issue here. The issue is making your ex suffer.

Like Carly, I'm getting sick to my stomach from this thread so I'll leave everyone to it. Flame me, demonize me, whatever because I had the audacity to side with a man when this poor woman is suffering and this year might have to -gasp- stay at a value resort or -gasp- start working full time. Though my guess is she'll do neither of these things because she doesn't need the money that bad, just bad enough to make a man live in fear of being arrested because he can't find a job and can't afford a car, much less pay child luxury -oops- child support payments. I wish it was appropriate to discuss these things with children because I'd bet your child would be willing to do without some things if it meant his dad got to have some necessities. He'd probably look around at your home, his clothes, your kitchen, and be confused as to why you don't just forgive his dad's debt so he can move forward and build an even better relationship with him. I agree with child support, but it is clear that the child is being supported fine. Do you begrudge your child the money that you must pay since his dad can't right now? I hope not, and I really don't think you do, that would be just too evil for a Disboard member .

I pray that you'll find a little bit of compassion in your heart. Are you giving to charity this year? You might want to consider what a little charity could do for your ex's situation this year and consider forgiving his debt or halting collections on him. The only way states get involved in child support cases is if you tell them to or if you start collecting state welfare. The child support receiver always has the power to halt collection actions. You clearly have the upper hand here. You are clearly in the better position. Why not extend an olive branch, halt collections and talk to your ex? I know talking to ex's is not a joyous activity, but it could really make a difference in everyone's lives that are involved if you talked to him about what's going on. Maybe you'd be willing to halt collections if he met with certain requirements? Maybe if he proved to you he was actively looking for a job you could come to an agreement to hold off payments and then let him catch up when he gets a job? Who does that hurt? No one. Who does it help? Everyone. You have a real opportunity here to be the better person. It is in your power to lighten a fellow human beings burden, why not do it?

My 2 cents, or $2 whatever I get quite long winded. It just shocks me how many people got on a thread in this forum about charity and demonized a woman for being annoyed at so many people wanting charity, and yet almost the exact opposite is happening here and so many people are getting up in arms in a "you don't owe him anything" attitude. You're right, she doesn't owe him anything, he legitimately owes child support. Yet so many of you like to preach about giving to charity, but are unwilling to show a charitable attitude towards the OP's ex. One woman gets demonized for not being charitable enough, another gets sainthood for not showing charity at all . Oh the mystery of the Disboards.[

QUOTE]

Wow! I had no idea Dr Laura read here. Cool.

 

[ginna74]

I completely agree with this! Why be so petty? You're living well, going to WDW and staying at deluxe resorts, why not just get over it? Forgive the debt and let your ex have a good relationship with his kid. Will it ever make a difference to the kid if dad paid? No, all the kid is going to have is the memories of being with dad. It is only an issue for the kid if the parents make it that way. Frankly a child should have no knowledge of family finances (beyond being taught not to be greedy of course).

Remember, OP chose to get divorced, it takes two to tango. Her new DH chose to marry a woman with a child. There are so many families struggling with both parents working full time just to get their needs met and here is someone complaining that while she's staying at home not working and at WDW on deluxe vacations that checks aren't coming in from her unemployed ex. Absolutely disgusting in my opinion.

If I was ever divorced with a child and could manage on my own, there is no way I'd take a dime from my ex. If I needed his income then I shouldn't have divorced him (this is of course barring extreme circumstances like physical abuse, in which case I still would never rely on my abuser for financial support).

So, OP, you get to sit at home on the Disboards and go on deluxe vacations and lol at the problems your ex, who you yourself stated is a good dad, because he's had a hard time getting employment? What if he wrote you a check today for all the back support, what would it go to? Another deluxe WDW vacation? Bottom line is your child is not starving, the money would not go to feeding, housing, or clothing your child, it would go towards luxuries while the man who gave it to you desperately fights to keep in a home at all. Oh I know, maybe you could take the money and put it towards a new car! Your ex doesn't have one, but who cares. Compassion is overrated.

Why not be the better person? Why not count yourself blessed and share the blessings with your ex? Why not let him keep his money and his dignity so he could pick up your child in a car? He's not out there spending money on luxury items, otherwise he would have a car. What you're doing is letting money ruin relationships. Keep it up and your ex will disappear and then who is better off? You're not (no free babysitting which is really what the extra time your kid has with him is). Your kid certainly isn't. So who does it benefit? The child support goes to more luxury items, not to support your child. But I'm sure it's worth ruining a man's life to be able to get your kid an Xbox, or go on another vacation, or eat out, or get designer clothes, or whatever it is you'd spend the money on.

Oh, and in most states if the child spends more time with the non-custodial parent than is outlined you are supposed to pro-rate the child support. Not everyone does, but that's how it's written in a lot of states.

Frankly, this thread is insulting to all the hardworking single moms out there who are working for necessities and not luxuries and have a hard time getting child support. Thank goodness many of those women won't read this thread because things like computers and internet connections are luxuries that comes after feeding, clothing, and housing.

I'd start listening to your mom. Personally if my ex had to choose between feeding himself and not getting evicted or sending me child support when the child is in no danger of living in discomfort, much less destitution, I'd want my ex to do what's best for him because that would be what's best for the child. Children need happy parents, not money. To me this is just as disgusting as those people who trampled a person to death at Wal-Mart last year on Black Friday. Things and money taking precedence over people. Is your kid starving? Is he on the verge of being homeless? Is he wearing shoes that are 2 sizes too small because you can't afford to get new ones? Are you looking in your pantry with despair because there's just a few cans of baked beans and potato pearls left in there? Then get over it. There are people with real problems out there. I don't have a problem with you venting, we all need to, it's healthy. I have a problem with the actions you are taking (or not taking) that are going to end up ruining your sons relationship with his dad over something as petty as money that you don't even need. I don't know your whole situation, but your OP makes it look like things are just going so well for you that you needed to find something to complain about and an ex not paying child support that you don't need (even though you may want it) is an easy thing to get upset about and come on a forum and get a lot of people rallying to your side over. A good bit of drama to fill an otherwise boring afternoon since you don't have to be at work or anything.

I'm half tempted to get your address and send you a check for this guy's child support. Let me guess though, that wouldn't make you happy either because that's not the issue here. The issue is making your ex suffer.

Like Carly, I'm getting sick to my stomach from this thread so I'll leave everyone to it. Flame me, demonize me, whatever because I had the audacity to side with a man when this poor woman is suffering and this year might have to -gasp- stay at a value resort or -gasp- start working full time. Though my guess is she'll do neither of these things because she doesn't need the money that bad, just bad enough to make a man live in fear of being arrested because he can't find a job and can't afford a car, much less pay child luxury -oops- child support payments. I wish it was appropriate to discuss these things with children because I'd bet your child would be willing to do without some things if it meant his dad got to have some necessities. He'd probably look around at your home, his clothes, your kitchen, and be confused as to why you don't just forgive his dad's debt so he can move forward and build an even better relationship with him. I agree with child support, but it is clear that the child is being supported fine. Do you begrudge your child the money that you must pay since his dad can't right now? I hope not, and I really don't think you do, that would be just too evil for a Disboard member .

I pray that you'll find a little bit of compassion in your heart. Are you giving to charity this year? You might want to consider what a little charity could do for your ex's situation this year and consider forgiving his debt or halting collections on him. The only way states get involved in child support cases is if you tell them to or if you start collecting state welfare. The child support receiver always has the power to halt collection actions. You clearly have the upper hand here. You are clearly in the better position. Why not extend an olive branch, halt collections and talk to your ex? I know talking to ex's is not a joyous activity, but it could really make a difference in everyone's lives that are involved if you talked to him about what's going on. Maybe you'd be willing to halt collections if he met with certain requirements? Maybe if he proved to you he was actively looking for a job you could come to an agreement to hold off payments and then let him catch up when he gets a job? Who does that hurt? No one. Who does it help? Everyone. You have a real opportunity here to be the better person. It is in your power to lighten a fellow human beings burden, why not do it?

My 2 cents, or $2 whatever I get quite long winded. It just shocks me how many people got on a thread in this forum about charity and demonized a woman for being annoyed at so many people wanting charity, and yet almost the exact opposite is happening here and so many people are getting up in arms in a "you don't owe him anything" attitude. You're right, she doesn't owe him anything, he legitimately owes child support. Yet so many of you like to preach about giving to charity, but are unwilling to show a charitable attitude towards the OP's ex. One woman gets demonized for not being charitable enough, another gets sainthood for not showing charity at all . Oh the mystery of the Disboards.

WOW wonder what the story is behind this.... lol

 

[Holly]

I think that a couple of women in this thread might be married to men who owe child support to their ex's and are resentful.

The OP has been picked apart pretty badly and I wish her luck with her decision. It's not an easy one.

 

[RitaZ.]

I think that a couple of women in this thread might be married to men who owe child support to their ex's and are resentful.

The OP has been picked apart pretty badly and I wish her luck with her decision. It's not an easy one.

It sure seems that way.

Some of the comments against the OP are way out of line.

 

[TheZue]

I don't blame you for being pissed. They are HIS kids he needs to help support them. It's called being an adult. Yes stuff sucks for him right now, and I'd maybe cut him a little slack but the minute he's earning again he needs to support his kids. It's not about you and your ex, it's about your kids and your ex...good for you for standing up for them.

I'm a mother, but if I was in his shoes...divorced and DH was wealthy with custody I'd STILL be sending something for my kids no matter how little money I had. I don't get these parents that think if the other parent is comfortable for some reason they shouldn't contribute. It's total crap.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Did he collect unemployment? When dh was laid off they always took child support out of the unemployment check first. This was court mandated. I know it's awful and I wouldn't cancel out the old debt. I'd also ask for leniency in regards to prison. Unless you have proof that he's not looking for work or turning down work I'd have to just wait it out. When he gets back to work you can have them raise his support by 20. per week to make up the arrears. If it was a good economy and there were plenty of jobs I'd feel different. Maybe you could call in some favors to try to help him find something. When he does find work he probably will be making less then before and be behind on everything so you'll have to be patient a bit while he gets back on his feet.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I am on the side of the fact that we do not know the whole story. Those of you who totally agree with the OP have never been on the other side of the coin and vice versa..

Some facts from a NYS case which I am very versed in...

Child support can be raised when a father is on u/e if the wive's lawyer knows the judge.

Two adults who are divorced can set an agreed upon amount of support that is to be paid if they work together.

Support payments will be taken out of the U/E check even if it only leaves the person with $1.30 a week to live on.

An unemployed father who takes a job at "McDonalds" (just an example, not a dig to anyone who works there), would lose his u/e benefits and possibly could not get enough hours to make up for the amount of child support required to be sent at the time.

If said ex-husband is a good father and you were still married, would you want to see him in jail over his inability to making payments to a debt or would you work it out?? I always thought this was an important question.

 

[OceanAnnie]

It sure seems that way.

Some of the comments against the OP are way out of line.

I agree. You never know which way the comments on the DIS will go. Sometimes I wonder if it's more "who" is involved (as in username) rather than the issue at hand. I mean someone else could have the same problem and the "pile on" would be in the ex-wife's favor. Crazy.

Good luck with it all, CharityLynn.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Looks like some people need to rinse the bitter out of their mouth. There is some major conclusion jumping and speculation that is frankly no one's business on here.

OP, if you are still around why not see what kind of deal could be made? You did say that your ex does see your son and is good with him. I know that just seeing him isn't enough. He isn't following through with total parenting which is also financial contribution which especially includes health insurance and I'd be pissed too. Is there some compromise that could be found? Force his hand on the health insurance and then freeze what he owes or something?

I personally wouldn't listen to my mother and I wouldn't listen to my ex. I would talk things over with my current husband, who is taking the responsibility that the other father should be doing, and I would think about the relationship with my son and his father. Some things are more important than money no doubt but there is also a responsibility to be a total parent and not just when it's good for someone. Good luck to you.

 

[CharityLynn]

I understand your frustration and need to vent. By all means, get it off your chest.

But realize this: all you're really doing is condemning the man to having a prison record where it'll be difficult, if not impossible, to get a job in this economy. You will never get your money. You're merely punishing someone for leaving you, even after you've remarried and can obviously provide support for your child regardless of whether he pays you the child support or not.

You ask why doesn't your mother realize how you and your current husband had to struggle for months to put food on the table and pay bills, buy medication, etc. It's clear that your struggle is now behind you while your ex's struggle has been happening for over a year. And now you're going to make that struggle even harder, clearly indicating that you've learned nothing from your own struggle except how to get even with someone you think had some kind of a hand in your own struggle.

As I said before, vent all you want. The only lives you are impacting now are your ex's, your son's (when the ex decides not to see him anymore because of what you are doing to him), and, eventually, your current husband who sees how easy it is for you to crush someone you once said you loved under your heel.

First he did not leave me. I left him. We were never married. One reason I left him is because at the time he would not keep a job. I do not want him in jail, I even called and told Friend of the court I did not want him to go to jail. I don't think he deserves that, he is a good dad in way that matter to my son. My husband and I did struggle a bit this summer (he works in the auto industry) but you know what i did, I found a job and worked all summer until my job ended and luckily my husband's job had gotten better.

I am not doing anything to my ex, he is the one who would rather sit in the woods hoping to shot a deer rather than be out putting applications out.

He is a 32 year old man who has always lived at home with his parents, the only bills he has ever had to pay is car insurance. It is unfortunate becuase he is not very eductaed and he does not have GED or diploma. I know how hard it is here in Michigan but he isn't helping himself at all. He will only look for a job in his town, he wont even look in my town which is just a 20 minute drive. I told him about a job recently and he declined (even knowing a manager there) because it was only 20 hours a week. Well 20 hours is better than none and it gives you time to look for a new job too.

 

[CharityLynn]

OK after reading more into the replies I am going to point out a few things. When we went to court he had a job. He later got fired from the job. Those deluxe vacations you want to talk about were DVC vacations thorugh my inlaws. The first one in 2004 was gifted to my husband and I from my inlaws. We paid not one dime for that trip. Work work very hard to save for those vacations and have not been able to take one in 2 years. Not a big deal.

Honestly the money isn't that big a deal, I am mor eupset that he is placing blame on me. I actually offered to clear his debt back in September but when i told him it would be a one time thing he got uspet with me. Started yelling at me. Uh sorry if that doesn't make me want to be a bit more charitable. As for the "extra" nights he takes them...its one extra night a month if that and mostly its becuase my son wants to go there not because I need or want him too. He really loves spending time with his grandmother. My ex has lived with his family since I met him 12 years ago, he has never lived on his own.

The child support was figured as both of us having a full time job that paid minimum wage, I was unemployed at the time and he was working 30 hours a week. I did not want it raised but they have to do it based on their formula. Yes I thought it ironic that he brought me to court and yet all it did was the opposite of what he wanted. (wrong probably but at the time I was very stressed about being taken to court)

I do NOT want him to go to jail. And I will probably be calling our officer on Monday to see if there is anything I can do. I was just venting on here because I was frustrated with the fact that it seemed like some people in my life thinks its up to me to fix somethinghe should have fixed himself.

He did not get uneployment because he was fired. After he lost that job he got another job then decided to walk out and not go back because he wasn't getting enough hours. Later he talked to his managers and it was a one week thing and he should have talked to her before he just decided to walk out and not go back. He hasn't worked since he walked out on that job.

 

[Skywalker]

OP, your first post made your husband sound like a decent guy who can't pay because he is now unemployed. Your most recent post makes him sound like a lazy jerk, so I don't really know which it is.

If he is a lazy jerk trying to get out of child support then give it to him with both barrels.

If he is a decent guy going through hard times then show a little compassion and forgive the money that you don't need.

Also, I don't understand why a court would throw him in jail for being unable to pay. I didn't think they had debtor's prisons anymore. I mean, if a custodial parent falls on hard times and can't provide much, they are not thrown in jail. Seems unfair to me.

For the record I have been in neither position.

 

[CharityLynn]

He is a lazy guy but he is a good dad. He loves his son. But he doesn't realize how much goes into raising him because he hasn't ever had to do it. I will admit that is partly my fault, I left him while I was pregnant. He thinks that $50 a week should be able to supply everything a child needs but it doesn't as all parents know.