Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[Magpie]

OP - everything you've written here is something you should be discussing with your partner, not with us.

You should be asking him...

What's our status? How do we define what we've got?

Where are we going with this?

This is how I feel. How do you feel?

This is what I'm afraid of. What scares you?

This is what I'm hoping for. What do you want?

If you can't talk honestly and openly with your partner about your hopes, dreams and fears, then you're NOT ready to "move to the next level". And if talking about this stuff scares him away... then he's clearly not ready either, and you've dodged a bullet!

Also, rather than treating him like a prize fish to be reeled in, or big game to be hunted down, why not just enjoy your partner's current place in your life? Ask yourself - why does marriage have to be your goal anyway? It's not as if you need to be married in order to travel together, live together, play together and build a life together. What are you doing tomorrow? What fun plans have the two of you made for this winter?

Isn't he worth keeping around, even if you aren't engaged yet?

 

[Erzengel]

I do have a question for the OP. Do you even want to get married? I know that might sound like a silly question, but are you even considering "marriage" because you truly want to marry this cat OR is it because you're hung up on the social construct of marriage?

I'm married, but I realize that marriage isn't for everybody. I think I'd love my wife just the same if we were just partners. We lived together for years prior to even being married. Both of us have admitted, we didn't feel any differently after the wedding.

 

[MrsDuck]

If you're having these concerns, perhaps you're moving too fast. Regardless, wishing you all the best!

 

[jevs]

OP please just forget about the engagement.

Just skip right to the marriage.

Don't forget to post wedding threads on the CB, we haven't had any good wedding etiquette squabbles for ages.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I did not really think it would move this quickly. He is the one who brought up the marriage issue, not me. It is like I pushed away one boyfriend many years ago with the marriage talk, I don't want to make that mistake again. I was happy being an established couple, like Facebook official and all. I like spending every possible minute I can with him, and would like to spend even more. I would love to wear a ring and be legit engaged. The conversation was more about this happening in 2017, not immediately.

The details scare me though. There are so many issues to consider when two people get married. There is family stuff, pet stuff, career stuff, financial stuff. It is astounding what all would need to be considered. I've messed this up twice before, I don't want to make another mistake. However, I don't want to let what may quite possibly be the love of my life get away from me just because I am afraid to mess up again.

Considering you haven't even gotten to the point where you have had your first fight I would say it's way too soon to even consider being engaged. As for "pre engaged" that's nonsense. Teens talks like that, not grown adults. You may as well consider yourself "pre divorced" if you don't take a step back.

You have been divorced twice. If I recall your last divorce wasn't even final a full year ago. You should not be considering "a ring and being legit engaged" for at least 2 years. This relationship is still very very new. Slow down and take a step back. There's no reason to rush things along.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Sorry for sounding offending. I know relationships have always been my weakness. When it comes to what I like to do, it is being with somebody, and just having somebody. I know I have a lot to offer, I am sweet and loving. I have just always seemed to end up with somebody that doesn't return it, or just treats me badly. This guy IS good to me and that has made me bonkers. I feel that he has made me a better person. He motivates me to be my best. I have almost completely quit drinking, I have lost weight, I try to dress better, I want to excel in everything I do.

Yea, I have been showing my friends his sweet texts to me, and talking about this getting married stuff a lot. Most of them encourage it and are like oh wow... of course it seems as if their relationship records are as bad as mine. One of my friends today was like "if you wait until the time is right, it will never be right". I have done some silly stuff like posting love letters on his Facebook so everybody could see. My need to document everything we do on Facebook accompanied by selfies is like legit childish.

I guess it is kind of silly to be 44 and acting this way. Yes I am acting like a teenager with all of this. My head tells me too that I should be cautious and things seem to be getting a little out of control. Yes I know in the beginning I was so obsessed that I would have severe anxiety if he took too long to text me. Now it is kind of like things are moving a bit too fast. I dunno, it is weird. Things seem to have shifted. I know in the beginning I was pretty much the one who was pushing things, somewhere along the way he became the one pursuing me more. I do not know when that change happened, but it did somewhere along the way.

There are a few things I like about living alone. I like only having to pick up after myself (and my cat). I like my own bed, sleeping and nobody bothering me. I like getting ready at my own pace in the morning and not having to worry about anybody else. I like only being responsible for myself. What we have seems to work well as is I guess. Dating is good, I love spending a lot of time with him, and wish I could spend even more. However, it is also a good thing to have my own place and just an ounce of freedom.

I find myself going along with things because I want to avoid scary "make us or break us" conversations. I have kept quiet about things to avoid fighting with him. A lot of that stuff is me being a witch and jealous. When I think about stuff, I realize I was thinking out of line and being unreasonable. I KNOW I have been too easy on him. Probably the one thing he has done that absolutely hurt me the most was having the Tinder app on his phone.... well after we were dating and "a real thing" like 3 months in. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and pretended he was too dumb to know how to remove apps. I cried for hours after he swiped on his phone and it showed the recently used apps and I saw that was among them. I came SO close to telling him to either delete it or we were over. I just kept my mouth shut. Eventually he DID delete the app. I have checked his phone and it is gone. It has been gone for some time now thankfully.

I know myself, if this ended I would be more than a train wreck. I also would never want to hurt him, I DO love him. I realize that marriage talk is premature at this point. I guess I am just SO afraid of losing him, it scares me so much.

 

[wilkeliza]

. I KNOW I have been too easy on him. Probably the one thing he has done that absolutely hurt me the most was having the Tinder app on his phone.... well after we were dating and "a real thing" like 3 months in. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and pretended he was too dumb to know how to remove apps. I cried for hours after he swiped on his phone and it showed the recently used apps and I saw that was among them. I came SO close to telling him to either delete it or we were over. I just kept my mouth shut. Eventually he DID delete the app. I have checked his phone and it is gone. It has been gone for some time now thankfully.

I have tried to stay out of these threads but I'm sorry you are delusional based on this. You have been together for 6 months and at least half of that (honestly sound like more since you found it at 3 months and he still had it after that) he has been using Tinder. Not just having it on his phone but in the most recent section of it. Sorry sweetheart dude was cheating on you and probably still is. One does not just have Tinder on their phone for kicks and giggles especially at y'all's age. You need to get out of this relationship and then honestly work on yourself. You shouldn't need a man (or any romantic interest gender doesn't matter) to better yourself. You should want to do it for you.

 

[jevs]

The last update is crazy at its finest.

Get another cat.

 

[MataHari22]

You need to learn how to be alone and not so needy. Then, and only then, you will be ready to get married. You really shouldn't even be dating.

 

[LiveYourLife]

Sorry for sounding offending. I know relationships have always been my weakness. When it comes to what I like to do, it is being with somebody, and just having somebody. I know I have a lot to offer, I am sweet and loving. I have just always seemed to end up with somebody that doesn't return it, or just treats me badly. This guy IS good to me and that has made me bonkers. I feel that he has made me a better person. He motivates me to be my best. I have almost completely quit drinking, I have lost weight, I try to dress better, I want to excel in everything I do.

Yea, I have been showing my friends his sweet texts to me, and talking about this getting married stuff a lot. Most of them encourage it and are like oh wow... of course it seems as if their relationship records are as bad as mine. One of my friends today was like "if you wait until the time is right, it will never be right". I have done some silly stuff like posting love letters on his Facebook so everybody could see. My need to document everything we do on Facebook accompanied by selfies is like legit childish.

I guess it is kind of silly to be 44 and acting this way. Yes I am acting like a teenager with all of this. My head tells me too that I should be cautious and things seem to be getting a little out of control. Yes I know in the beginning I was so obsessed that I would have severe anxiety if he took too long to text me. Now it is kind of like things are moving a bit too fast. I dunno, it is weird. Things seem to have shifted. I know in the beginning I was pretty much the one who was pushing things, somewhere along the way he became the one pursuing me more. I do not know when that change happened, but it did somewhere along the way.

There are a few things I like about living alone. I like only having to pick up after myself (and my cat). I like my own bed, sleeping and nobody bothering me. I like getting ready at my own pace in the morning and not having to worry about anybody else. I like only being responsible for myself. What we have seems to work well as is I guess. Dating is good, I love spending a lot of time with him, and wish I could spend even more. However, it is also a good thing to have my own place and just an ounce of freedom.

I find myself going along with things because I want to avoid scary "make us or break us" conversations. I have kept quiet about things to avoid fighting with him. A lot of that stuff is me being a witch and jealous. When I think about stuff, I realize I was thinking out of line and being unreasonable. I KNOW I have been too easy on him. Probably the one thing he has done that absolutely hurt me the most was having the Tinder app on his phone.... well after we were dating and "a real thing" like 3 months in. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and pretended he was too dumb to know how to remove apps. I cried for hours after he swiped on his phone and it showed the recently used apps and I saw that was among them. I came SO close to telling him to either delete it or we were over. I just kept my mouth shut. Eventually he DID delete the app. I have checked his phone and it is gone. It has been gone for some time now thankfully.

I know myself, if this ended I would be more than a train wreck. I also would never want to hurt him, I DO love him. I realize that marriage talk is premature at this point. I guess I am just SO afraid of losing him, it scares me so much.

WOW.

 

[sonnyjane]

 

[Allison]

You know the kind of negative feedback you will get here every time you post about this. Do you enjoy the attention even if it is negative? What are you wanting from people here? You don't listen to any of the advice given so I'm not sure what you are going for. I'm honestly interested in knowing.

 

[Kimkimba]

Just because you've been divorced twice doesn't mean your third marriage will also end in divorce. And just because you've dated for years doesn't mean your marriage will last.

 

[kimblebee]

Now I KNOW you're a troll..

 

[ols386]

After reading your most recent post, op, I'd have to say you should not marry this guy. Work on yourself and get yourself and your life in order first.

 

[ols386]

Now I KNOW you're a troll..

i don't think she's a troll. I think she is confused about a lot of things.

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

OP I feel like we have seen this kind of thread before from you.
It's like you are on a repeat cycle.
Please get a cat, and get comfortable with the thought of being alone.

 

[Nancyg56]

Sorry for sounding offending. I know relationships have always been my weakness. When it comes to what I like to do, it is being with somebody, and just having somebody. I know I have a lot to offer, I am sweet and loving. I have just always seemed to end up with somebody that doesn't return it, or just treats me badly. This guy IS good to me and that has made me bonkers. I feel that he has made me a better person. He motivates me to be my best. I have almost completely quit drinking, I have lost weight, I try to dress better, I want to excel in everything I do.

Yea, I have been showing my friends his sweet texts to me, and talking about this getting married stuff a lot. Most of them encourage it and are like oh wow... of course it seems as if their relationship records are as bad as mine. One of my friends today was like "if you wait until the time is right, it will never be right". I have done some silly stuff like posting love letters on his Facebook so everybody could see. My need to document everything we do on Facebook accompanied by selfies is like legit childish.

I guess it is kind of silly to be 44 and acting this way. Yes I am acting like a teenager with all of this. My head tells me too that I should be cautious and things seem to be getting a little out of control. Yes I know in the beginning I was so obsessed that I would have severe anxiety if he took too long to text me. Now it is kind of like things are moving a bit too fast. I dunno, it is weird. Things seem to have shifted. I know in the beginning I was pretty much the one who was pushing things, somewhere along the way he became the one pursuing me more. I do not know when that change happened, but it did somewhere along the way.

There are a few things I like about living alone. I like only having to pick up after myself (and my cat). I like my own bed, sleeping and nobody bothering me. I like getting ready at my own pace in the morning and not having to worry about anybody else. I like only being responsible for myself. What we have seems to work well as is I guess. Dating is good, I love spending a lot of time with him, and wish I could spend even more. However, it is also a good thing to have my own place and just an ounce of freedom.

I find myself going along with things because I want to avoid scary "make us or break us" conversations. I have kept quiet about things to avoid fighting with him. A lot of that stuff is me being a witch and jealous. When I think about stuff, I realize I was thinking out of line and being unreasonable. I KNOW I have been too easy on him. Probably the one thing he has done that absolutely hurt me the most was having the Tinder app on his phone.... well after we were dating and "a real thing" like 3 months in. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and pretended he was too dumb to know how to remove apps. I cried for hours after he swiped on his phone and it showed the recently used apps and I saw that was among them. I came SO close to telling him to either delete it or we were over. I just kept my mouth shut. Eventually he DID delete the app. I have checked his phone and it is gone. It has been gone for some time now thankfully.

I know myself, if this ended I would be more than a train wreck. I also would never want to hurt him, I DO love him. I realize that marriage talk is premature at this point. I guess I am just SO afraid of losing him, it scares me so much.

Oh dear me. I dont know where to start. OP- I have read all of your previous threads and must admit that if you were my daughter, I woudl be beside myself.

You do not seem to see the problem with the "I keep quiet about things to avoid fighting with him" comments, how at this stage of your relationship you are checking his phone, and that if your relationship ended you would be a train wreck. Relationships that are healthy may be bumpy as they progress, but they are based on trust, respect, and consideration. Nothing you post suggests that your relationship includes any of these attributes.

I can understand why your coworkers just tell you all is well, and your Dad had given up. I work with you....well a woman who could be you. She is married to the worst nightmare of a man, has three little boys who are the saddest examples of children I have ever seen, and has complained since the day she entered our office that she is miserable. Her life revolves around pacifying this bully, making him happy to the detriment of her family and lately to all of us in the office. As supportive as we were initially, we have all shut down, and are now at the point where we are praying her shenanigans will not ruin the good nature of our employer, who also has bent over backwards to help her. This past week she was giddy, much like your initial post on this thread.....and none of us had the energy to do anything else but nod blindly, because come Monday...a deadline in our office....she called out to work from home. Ended up needing to come in with her little boy to extend, yes....she let our boss down....and informed him she would be coming in Tuesday late in the afternoon....field trip for the boys..... and never made it in. She is a train wreck, and is exhausting,


So.....your coworkers seem to be like us, telling you waht you want to hear so they do not need to be participating in your saga. Your dad knows its too late for him to have any influence on your decisions. You prefer a man who seems to be controlling and who has already trained you to go along with him to avoid an argument, and who has managed to introduce combining finances into your thought process. Incidentally....if you do nothing else right in this roller coaster of a relationship...telll him there will be no financial marraige.....and see how long he sticks around. When money is a topic this early in a relationship there is a reason to slow down.....your financial independence.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP repeatedly in the past you have made bad decisions about relationships with very negative consequences.

You are going down that same road with this relationship.

You have asked for advice multiple times. You have consistently received the same advice...in a nutshell;

"Work on yourself before you get into another relationship because you choose badly".

You are choosing, once again, to ignore that very wise advice. You're not looking for advice. You're looking for validation that the path you're on is the right one. It's not. But you'll learn that the hard way, once again.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Nancyg56]

OP repeatedly in the past you have made bad decisions about relationships with very negative consequences.

You are going down that same road with this relationship.

You have asked for advice multiple times. You have consistently received the same advice...in a nutshell;

"Work on yourself before you get into another relationship because you choose badly".

You are choosing, once again, to ignore that very wise advice. You're not looking for advice. You're looking for validation that the path you're on is the right one. It's not. But you'll learn that the hard way, once again.

Best of luck to you.

No...she will not learn. Her life will continue to be a series of painful relationships that devastate her family, alienate her from her friends, and reinforce her lack of self esteem.