Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[Disneylover99]

I'm fairly certain I've encouraged you in your past threads to not hold back and to go for it, if he makes you happy.
But I'm feeling differently now.

When you say you show your friends "sweet texts", document everything you do on Facebook, post love letters on Facebook, etc.... It sounds so emotionally needy. You keep quiet about things and you don't really trust him.....

A relationship should compliment your life, not become your life. It feels like you're doing anything and everything possible to please him so he doesn't break up with you. That's bad.

 

[smiths02]

Sorry for sounding offending. I know relationships have always been my weakness. When it comes to what I like to do, it is being with somebody, and just having somebody. I know I have a lot to offer, I am sweet and loving. I have just always seemed to end up with somebody that doesn't return it, or just treats me badly. This guy IS good to me and that has made me bonkers. I feel that he has made me a better person. He motivates me to be my best. I have almost completely quit drinking, I have lost weight, I try to dress better, I want to excel in everything I do.

Yea, I have been showing my friends his sweet texts to me, and talking about this getting married stuff a lot. Most of them encourage it and are like oh wow... of course it seems as if their relationship records are as bad as mine. One of my friends today was like "if you wait until the time is right, it will never be right". I have done some silly stuff like posting love letters on his Facebook so everybody could see. My need to document everything we do on Facebook accompanied by selfies is like legit childish.

I guess it is kind of silly to be 44 and acting this way. Yes I am acting like a teenager with all of this. My head tells me too that I should be cautious and things seem to be getting a little out of control. Yes I know in the beginning I was so obsessed that I would have severe anxiety if he took too long to text me. Now it is kind of like things are moving a bit too fast. I dunno, it is weird. Things seem to have shifted. I know in the beginning I was pretty much the one who was pushing things, somewhere along the way he became the one pursuing me more. I do not know when that change happened, but it did somewhere along the way.

There are a few things I like about living alone. I like only having to pick up after myself (and my cat). I like my own bed, sleeping and nobody bothering me. I like getting ready at my own pace in the morning and not having to worry about anybody else. I like only being responsible for myself. What we have seems to work well as is I guess. Dating is good, I love spending a lot of time with him, and wish I could spend even more. However, it is also a good thing to have my own place and just an ounce of freedom.

I find myself going along with things because I want to avoid scary "make us or break us" conversations. I have kept quiet about things to avoid fighting with him. A lot of that stuff is me being a witch and jealous. When I think about stuff, I realize I was thinking out of line and being unreasonable. I KNOW I have been too easy on him. Probably the one thing he has done that absolutely hurt me the most was having the Tinder app on his phone.... well after we were dating and "a real thing" like 3 months in. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and pretended he was too dumb to know how to remove apps. I cried for hours after he swiped on his phone and it showed the recently used apps and I saw that was among them. I came SO close to telling him to either delete it or we were over. I just kept my mouth shut. Eventually he DID delete the app. I have checked his phone and it is gone. It has been gone for some time now thankfully.

I know myself, if this ended I would be more than a train wreck. I also would never want to hurt him, I DO love him. I realize that marriage talk is premature at this point. I guess I am just SO afraid of losing him, it scares me so much.

Why are you checking his phone?

Checking someone's phone is not normal...it either means you are irrationally jealous or the other person is cheating.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have a few friends like you on Facebook. DH and I make bets on how long the relationship will last. I think 3 months has been the longest. It starts with vague posts about a possible new romance, escalates to daily nauseating sweet quotes, and affirmations of love for the current "cuddle buddy." Next comes vague sad relationship quotes, followed by the heartbreak posts, and then the sad quotes about being alone.

These women are so desperate, jump into every relationship quickly and full force. I think I saw a statistic showing that the early you friend a new partner on social media, the quicker the relationship will end.

I really want to introduce all of them to each other and start a support group.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I KNOW I have been too easy on him. Probably the one thing he has done that absolutely hurt me the most was having the Tinder app on his phone.... well after we were dating and "a real thing" like 3 months in. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and pretended he was too dumb to know how to remove apps. I cried for hours after he swiped on his phone and it showed the recently used apps and I saw that was among them. I came SO close to telling him to either delete it or we were over. I just kept my mouth shut. Eventually he DID delete the app. I have checked his phone and it is gone. It has been gone for some time now thankfully.

I know myself, if this ended I would be more than a train wreck. I also would never want to hurt him, I DO love him. I realize that marriage talk is premature at this point. I guess I am just SO afraid of losing him, it scares me so much.

This is why you take it SLOW. I casually dated my now boyfriend for a year. We have now been a "real thing" for almost 5 years. During that first year we both saw other people here and there. We did our own thing. Then as time went on and we realized we only wanted each other we talked about it but it wasn't PUSHED or forced.

And when you say he talks marriage is it along the lines of "one day would you like marry ME" or "do you want to get married again." Big differences IMO.

 

[cabanafrau]

"is like legit childish"

A woman in her forties typed those words. About herself. Yet the truthfulness manages not to correlate to personal insight with an eye to personal growth. Straight up that should be concerning to OP.

The one thing you have absolute control over in your quest for personal happiness is you, yet you repeatedly ignore taking steps to help yourself. At some point you're certain to figure out it's useless to approach life as if following the directions on a bottle of shampoo is enough. It would be tragic to waste much more time coming to that understanding.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Why are you checking his phone?

Checking someone's phone is not normal...it either means you are irrationally jealous or the other person is cheating.

I have to emphasize this. I don't check my husband's phone. Heck, I don't even know his password! The other day, he had to make a run to Hobby Lobby. He had to unlock his phone for me, so I could pull up the eternal Hobby Lobby 40% off coupon for him. If I did have his passcode, I'd be more likely to mess with his wallpaper than anything (which is probably why he won't give it to me, I'd be likely to put something embarrassing as his background. Hmmm...)

 

[Nancyg56]

I have to emphasize this. I don't check my husband's phone. Heck, I don't even know his password! The other day, he had to make a run to Hobby Lobby. He had to unlock his phone for me, so I could pull up the eternal Hobby Lobby 40% off coupon for him. If I did have his passcode, I'd be more likely to mess with his wallpaper than anything (which is probably why he won't give it to me, I'd be likely to put something embarrassing as his background. Hmmm...)

LOL!!! My husband does not have a passcode, nor do I, but I htink he sometimes wishes he had one. Three kids are always fooling around with his ringtone and since he does not knwo how to change it back....well lets just say Supercalifragistic playing in the scalehouse at work was pretty darn funny, as was the chicken clucking.

I leave my hone hanging around, my computer wide open and my purse out. IF DH wanted to look it's all there, but he won't. And I dont check his things either. The day that one of us stops trusting is the day it's over.

 

[clutter]

Sorry for sounding offending. I know relationships have always been my weakness. When it comes to what I like to do, it is being with somebody, and just having somebody. I know I have a lot to offer, I am sweet and loving. I have just always seemed to end up with somebody that doesn't return it, or just treats me badly.

Then you are being lazy. You haven't taken the time to find out what YOU like to do. Maybe you never felt like you had a choice or a voice. And now you are too lazy (because it IS work, especially since you've let it go so long) or too scared to find out. If you don't know what you like to do, then what do you have to contribute to a relationship? Figuring this stuff out is hard. And it can be boring to discover. Maybe you are sweet and loving, but WHO are you? Do you really know? There is a HUGE relationship between the fact that you have no real identity and the fact that you end up in lousy relationships. You really really need to figure this out. Even if you keep dating this guy. But stop relying on him for your entertainment and amusement. Think about it, is that really fair to him?

 

[smiths02]

I have to emphasize this. I don't check my husband's phone. Heck, I don't even know his password! The other day, he had to make a run to Hobby Lobby. He had to unlock his phone for me, so I could pull up the eternal Hobby Lobby 40% off coupon for him. If I did have his passcode, I'd be more likely to mess with his wallpaper than anything (which is probably why he won't give it to me, I'd be likely to put something embarrassing as his background. Hmmm...)

I didn't even add the part that OP is not close enough with him to talk about these things without checking his phone.
Also, why check the phone if you aren't going to do anything when you find it? If you are going to give him the "benefit of the doubt" anyhow, just do that by not checking his phone. Then OP checked his phone AGAIN.

 

[wvjules]

Therapy, lots of it.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I have checked his phone and it is gone. It has been gone for some time now thankfully.

I know myself, if this ended I would be more than a train wreck. I also would never want to hurt him, I DO love him. I realize that marriage talk is premature at this point. I guess I am just SO afraid of losing him, it scares me so much.

You've snooped on his phone? Sorry but you're already a train wreck. You are BARELY in a relationship and you're already completely violating his privacy? This is not a healthy relationship........

 

[Erzengel]

This is why I don't miss dating.

My wife and I both joke that she's too lazy and I have no time to cheat. We know each other's passcode (it's the same) on our phones because sometimes we'll use each other's phones to use the Internet, camera, maps, etc. especially if we are out. So getting pics from other people would be difficult to hide.

 

[Vijoge]

This is why I don't miss dating.

My wife and I both joke that she's too lazy and I have no time to cheat. We know each other's passcode (it's the same) on our phones because sometimes we'll use each other's phones to use the Internet, camera, maps, etc. especially if we are out. So getting pics from other people would be difficult to hide.

My husband's line is he doesn't have the money for an affair and I don't have the underwear for it lol

 

[mi*vida*loca]

This is why I don't miss dating.

My wife and I both joke that she's too lazy and I have no time to cheat. We know each other's passcode (it's the same) on our phones because sometimes we'll use each other's phones to use the Internet, camera, maps, etc. especially if we are out. So getting pics from other people would be difficult to hide.

My husband's line is he doesn't have the money for an affair and I don't have the underwear for it lol

My line isn't DIS rated. lol It's along the lines of "I have "it" thrown at me all the time at home. Why go out looking for more?"

Neither have locks on our phones. It's too time consuming. And I don't go through his phone. I don't have the time or energy. I have two kid's phones I stalk on a daily basis and track. That's enough for me.

 

[Klayfish]

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have to emphasize this. I don't check my husband's phone. Heck, I don't even know his password! The other day, he had to make a run to Hobby Lobby. He had to unlock his phone for me, so I could pull up the eternal Hobby Lobby 40% off coupon for him. If I did have his passcode, I'd be more likely to mess with his wallpaper than anything (which is probably why he won't give it to me, I'd be likely to put something embarrassing as his background. Hmmm...)

I have DH's password becuase he soemtitmes needs me to read work emails to him and respond for him while he drives---it has never once even crossed my mind to go into his phone otherwise. Seriously, unti reading this jsut now it never enetered my mind at all

 

[smiths02]

My husband's line is he doesn't have the money for an affair and I don't have the underwear for it lol

I pay all the bills at home (not earn all the money, just do the actual bill paying), I'm just the more nerdy, organized one. So my line to DH is that if he can get a date that cheap (without me noticing the bills), I'm just not going to worry about it.

 

[Erzengel]

My line isn't DIS rated. lol It's along the lines of "I have "it" thrown at me all the time at home. Why go out looking for more?"

Neither have locks on our phones. It's too time consuming. And I don't go through his phone. I don't have the time or energy. I have two kid's phones I stalk on a daily basis and track. That's enough for me.

I honestly don't know how people do find the time to sneak around. I work 40 hours. Hour and a half round trip commute. Gym at least twice a week. Food shopping, house keeping and cooking. I have a stack of unplayed video games and seasons behind some of my shows.

 

[RedAngie]

I'm going to plagiarize the AWOL or "retired" Goofy Disney Dad and say:

 

[QueenIsabella]

My husband's line is he doesn't have the money for an affair and I don't have the underwear for it lol

That's funny! My line is, I don't cheat on DH, because, with 4 kids, 4 cats, and a dog, I don't need another person on my "to do" list!

I have DH's password because he sometimes needs me to read work emails to him and respond for him while he drives---it has never once even crossed my mind to go into his phone otherwise. Seriously, until reading this just now it never entered my mind at all

Me, either! I only know he even has a passcode (I don't, same phone), is because he happened to be doing the Hobby Lobby run for me this past weekend. We've had these phones for over a year. Now, I do keep a close eye on DD13's phone (my older two are adults, DS10 doesn't own a phone--don't get him started!). But, there's a world of difference between protecting a young teen who's your child and stalking your spouse/SO.

There's also a huge difference between checking up on someone and using their phone for them while their driving. Not only have I done that for DH, it's not unusual for me to have one of my kids text on my phone, usually to another sibling, because I'm driving.