Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[mi*vida*loca]

I honestly don't know how people do find the time to sneak around. I work 40 hours. Hour and a half round trip commute. Gym at least twice a week. Food shopping, house keeping and cooking. I have a stack of unplayed video games and seasons behind some of my shows.

I'm so with you right there. LOL My DVR is ready to explode.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

 

[Klayfish]

I wouldn't cheat for a number of reasons.

First, my wife would literally and unquestionably kick my rear end from here to kingdom come. She's incredibly strong, and her legs are ridiculously powerful. I fear her.

Second, I wouldn't have time or energy if I wanted. Up at 4am daily, 90 minutes in the gym daily, 50 hours/week working, 1.5 hour commute each way, 3 kids in sports (4-5 nights per week at sports practice and games on weekends). I'm wiped out by the end of a week.

Lastly, she (and my kids) are my world. I would never, ever, ever do anything to jeopardize all of that.

As for my phone, I don't even have a "lock" on it. There's nothing on it of interest, and it's a super cheap and old phone so I don't really care.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

My husband and I both have pass codes on our phone. Not to keep anything secret.

It is because we have a small child in the house. She likes to pick up a phone and pretend to talk. And she has accidentally called people. So we locked our phones.

Everyone else in the house knows the right way to swipe the screen to open it.

Edit to add:
Those that say that they don't have time for an affair, affairs can start as a lunchtime tryst or instead of the gym.

I bet that instead of not having time, you simply love your spouse and would not do something that would betray them.

And yes, I know that it was most likely said as a joke, but it means so much more to say that you would never have an affair because you love your spouse.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Sorry for sounding offending. I know relationships have always been my weakness. When it comes to what I like to do, it is being with somebody, and just having somebody. I know I have a lot to offer, I am sweet and loving. I have just always seemed to end up with somebody that doesn't return it, or just treats me badly. This guy IS good to me and that has made me bonkers. I feel that he has made me a better person. He motivates me to be my best. I have almost completely quit drinking, I have lost weight, I try to dress better, I want to excel in everything I do.

Yea, I have been showing my friends his sweet texts to me, and talking about this getting married stuff a lot. Most of them encourage it and are like oh wow... of course it seems as if their relationship records are as bad as mine. One of my friends today was like "if you wait until the time is right, it will never be right". I have done some silly stuff like posting love letters on his Facebook so everybody could see. My need to document everything we do on Facebook accompanied by selfies is like legit childish.

I guess it is kind of silly to be 44 and acting this way. Yes I am acting like a teenager with all of this. My head tells me too that I should be cautious and things seem to be getting a little out of control. Yes I know in the beginning I was so obsessed that I would have severe anxiety if he took too long to text me. Now it is kind of like things are moving a bit too fast. I dunno, it is weird. Things seem to have shifted. I know in the beginning I was pretty much the one who was pushing things, somewhere along the way he became the one pursuing me more. I do not know when that change happened, but it did somewhere along the way.

There are a few things I like about living alone. I like only having to pick up after myself (and my cat). I like my own bed, sleeping and nobody bothering me. I like getting ready at my own pace in the morning and not having to worry about anybody else. I like only being responsible for myself. What we have seems to work well as is I guess. Dating is good, I love spending a lot of time with him, and wish I could spend even more. However, it is also a good thing to have my own place and just an ounce of freedom.

I find myself going along with things because I want to avoid scary "make us or break us" conversations. I have kept quiet about things to avoid fighting with him. A lot of that stuff is me being a witch and jealous. When I think about stuff, I realize I was thinking out of line and being unreasonable. I KNOW I have been too easy on him. Probably the one thing he has done that absolutely hurt me the most was having the Tinder app on his phone.... well after we were dating and "a real thing" like 3 months in. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and pretended he was too dumb to know how to remove apps. I cried for hours after he swiped on his phone and it showed the recently used apps and I saw that was among them. I came SO close to telling him to either delete it or we were over. I just kept my mouth shut. Eventually he DID delete the app. I have checked his phone and it is gone. It has been gone for some time now thankfully.

I know myself, if this ended I would be more than a train wreck. I also would never want to hurt him, I DO love him. I realize that marriage talk is premature at this point. I guess I am just SO afraid of losing him, it scares me so much.

I know this was discussed last time, but did you ever seek out therapy? Honestly it sounds like you really could use it and it wouldn't necessarily take a lengthy amount of sessions, either.

The crying for hours over the Tinder app, the love letters on facebook, repeatedly checking his phone, saying "I've been too easy on him" (what does that even mean?)...these are all behaviors that should be addressed BEFORE your relationship gets any more serious, if you want it to be a life-long relationship.

 

[DawnM]

I have to emphasize this. I don't check my husband's phone. Heck, I don't even know his password! The other day, he had to make a run to Hobby Lobby. He had to unlock his phone for me, so I could pull up the eternal Hobby Lobby 40% off coupon for him. If I did have his passcode, I'd be more likely to mess with his wallpaper than anything (which is probably why he won't give it to me, I'd be likely to put something embarrassing as his background. Hmmm...)

My husband's work makes him change his password on his phone every few weeks. It makes me nuts. Not because I need to check his phone but because when we are driving he will hand me his phone and say, "Check such a such" and I have to ask for the new password AND it is always capital such and such, number such and such, characters such and such, lower case letters, all jumbled, and he inevitably quotes it incorrectly and we have to start over.

 

[DawnM]

I find myself going along with things because I want to avoid scary "make us or break us" conversations. I have kept quiet about things to avoid fighting with him. A lot of that stuff is me being a witch and jealous. When I think about stuff, I realize I was thinking out of line and being unreasonable. I KNOW I have been too easy on him. Probably the one thing he has done that absolutely hurt me the most was having the Tinder app on his phone.... well after we were dating and "a real thing" like 3 months in. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and pretended he was too dumb to know how to remove apps. I cried for hours after he swiped on his phone and it showed the recently used apps and I saw that was among them. I came SO close to telling him to either delete it or we were over. I just kept my mouth shut. Eventually he DID delete the app. I have checked his phone and it is gone. It has been gone for some time now thankfully.

I know myself, if this ended I would be more than a train wreck. I also would never want to hurt him, I DO love him. I realize that marriage talk is premature at this point. I guess I am just SO afraid of losing him, it scares me so much.

Red flags all over this post. If you dont' feel free to talk to him now, you won't later. If you are holding back while you are in the "honeymoon stage" it will be a floodgate once you are married.

My friend married a man who checked dating sites often. He did it before they were married and she brushed it off. He seemed to stop. Nope, as soon as they married, back they came.

You are afraid of losing him, why? Do you compromise your own self worth to keep him just because you have to have a man?

I told you in the last thread to RUN, and I stand by my recommendations.

 

[Nancyg56]

My husband's line is he doesn't have the money for an affair and I don't have the underwear for it lol

LOL!!!! My DH had said tha I spoiled hom for any other woman. I am choosing to take it as a compliment although there are times when I think he may have meant something else LOL!!!!


[QUOTE="MaryLovesPoohBear, post: 56641195, member: 531892"

And yes, I know that it was most likely said as a joke, but it means so much more to say that you would never have an affair because you love your spouse.[/QUOTE]

YOu know, I wonder that if we can all joke, why we would need to say that. I am going to have a hard time articulating this, but I am going to try. I tease about my husband a lot, and he teases me. Neither one of us believes in cheating, we are not wired that way, and we are Catholic, so for us, marriage is forever, but if either one of us was incline to cheat, there would be no teasing. Neither one of us teases about sensitive subject, and if there was an issue in our marriage that made one of us vulnerable, we would avoid teasing like the plague.

Anyway, I have only had to tell one person she was off the mark when she thought my teasing was real, but she did not know us well. We never tell others how we feel about each other, this stays between the two of us, but anyone who is in the room with us, and cant see my DH moving heaven and earth for me ou=r the kids, well....anything he said would be just words. If anyone can miss how I take care of my husband, well, they would never belive that anything I said was truth. No...we never say that the reason we are true to one another is becasue we love each othe, FOr us, that goes without saying to anyoen else.

 

[Disney Dynamite]

I find myself going along with things because I want to avoid scary "make us or break us" conversations. I have kept quiet about things to avoid fighting with him. A lot of that stuff is me being a witch and jealous. When I think about stuff, I realize I was thinking out of line and being unreasonable. I KNOW I have been too easy on him. Probably the one thing he has done that absolutely hurt me the most was having the Tinder app on his phone.... well after we were dating and "a real thing" like 3 months in. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and pretended he was too dumb to know how to remove apps. I cried for hours after he swiped on his phone and it showed the recently used apps and I saw that was among them. I came SO close to telling him to either delete it or we were over. I just kept my mouth shut. Eventually he DID delete the app. I have checked his phone and it is gone. It has been gone for some time now thankfully.

He sounds really nice. You should marry him. But seriously....What are you thinking?!? It almost sounds as though this man was using you as a sort of "holding place" until he made sure he couldn't find someone better, and that's not cool. I was once engaged to someone who decided to sign up for online dating months before our wedding. One of my friends broke the news to me after she was matched up with him. It was awful (so awful!), but I didn't make excuses for his bad decisions, and I certainly didn't marry him. You have to love yourself enough to walk away sometimes.

And why did you keep your mouth shut? It's perfectly normal and necessary to communicate your feelings and needs in a healthy relationship. I never check my husband's cell phone, but if I caught a glimpse of a Tinder app or something similar, I'd be speaking up in a hurry.

 

[LiveYourLife]

OP you do know that Tinder is an app that is mostly used for random, sexual hook-ups, right? It's marketed as a dating site but that's not really what it is primarily used for.

If it were me and I "accidentally" saw Tinder on my 3 month person's phone, you bet your bippy I'd be bringing that up as soon as I "accidentally" saw it.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

In regards to "checking his phone"... I meant that in a looking while he is using it capacity. He thought I was either too blind to see that the app was there, or too stupid to know what it was. He would try to swipe past the screen it was on really fast when I was next to him. Now that he has deleted it, he will hand me the phone and let me use it or whatever. I almost said something to him about it, but before I had a chance he went on some rant about how accusatory and jealous his ex wife was. He was like saying how much he hated how she accused him of having an affair when he wasn't and all that kind of stuff. So I just didn't say anything to him about it. I was hoping that he was just using the app to chat and maybe just boost his ego or just for amusement. I was VERY VERY glad to see it gone from his phone believe me.

I did do the therapy thing, I am not sure how much good it did considering my therapist is no longer a therapist. I don't think I was a cause for the career change, hopefully not. My therapist seems to have gone to work for a university. Maybe it is inappropriate to be Facebook friends with your therapist, but that's how I found out about the change.

 

[morgan98]

In regards to "checking his phone"... I meant that in a looking while he is using it capacity. He thought I was either too blind to see that the app was there, or too stupid to know what it was. He would try to swipe past the screen it was on really fast when I was next to him. Now that he has deleted it, he will hand me the phone and let me use it or whatever. I almost said something to him about it, but before I had a chance he went on some rant about how accusatory and jealous his ex wife was. He was like saying how much he hated how she accused him of having an affair when he wasn't and all that kind of stuff. So I just didn't say anything to him about it. I was hoping that he was just using the app to chat and maybe just boost his ego or just for amusement. I was VERY VERY glad to see it gone from his phone believe me.

I did do the therapy thing, I am not sure how much good it did considering my therapist is no longer a therapist. I don't think I was a cause for the career change, hopefully not. My therapist seems to have gone to work for a university. Maybe it is inappropriate to be Facebook friends with your therapist, but that's how I found out about the change.

You know, I really do give you credit for coming back and continuing to post on this thread. However, the more you post the more I think you really, really, really need to step back from this craziness. By the way, why did he get divorced? Was he cheating on his ex-wife? For the record, I was accusatory towards my ex-husband and he was having an affair. However, he did not readily admit it but when it finally came out it was a biggie.

Anyway, the fact that your therapist is not longer a therapist is not evidence of how much good it did for YOU. You probably still need therapy. Find another therapist.

 

[Magpie]

In regards to "checking his phone"... I meant that in a looking while he is using it capacity. He thought I was either too blind to see that the app was there, or too stupid to know what it was. He would try to swipe past the screen it was on really fast when I was next to him. Now that he has deleted it, he will hand me the phone and let me use it or whatever. I almost said something to him about it, but before I had a chance he went on some rant about how accusatory and jealous his ex wife was. He was like saying how much he hated how she accused him of having an affair when he wasn't and all that kind of stuff. So I just didn't say anything to him about it. I was hoping that he was just using the app to chat and maybe just boost his ego or just for amusement. I was VERY VERY glad to see it gone from his phone believe me.

I did do the therapy thing, I am not sure how much good it did considering my therapist is no longer a therapist. I don't think I was a cause for the career change, hopefully not. My therapist seems to have gone to work for a university. Maybe it is inappropriate to be Facebook friends with your therapist, but that's how I found out about the change.

Ick.

I briefly dated a guy like this. I dumped his cute little buns. Because I knew I deserved better!

You should not be dating a guy you can't talk to. You should not be dating a guy who shuts you down the moment he senses you might say something critical.

You should not be dating this guy. And you should definitely find yourself another therapist. Like doctors or any other professional, sometimes you get one that's not very good. When that happens, you don't quit. You just look for another one, who is better suited to help you.

 

[mom2rtk]

In regards to "checking his phone"... I meant that in a looking while he is using it capacity. He thought I was either too blind to see that the app was there, or too stupid to know what it was. He would try to swipe past the screen it was on really fast when I was next to him. Now that he has deleted it, he will hand me the phone and let me use it or whatever. I almost said something to him about it, but before I had a chance he went on some rant about how accusatory and jealous his ex wife was. He was like saying how much he hated how she accused him of having an affair when he wasn't and all that kind of stuff. So I just didn't say anything to him about it. I was hoping that he was just using the app to chat and maybe just boost his ego or just for amusement. I was VERY VERY glad to see it gone from his phone believe me.

I did do the therapy thing, I am not sure how much good it did considering my therapist is no longer a therapist. I don't think I was a cause for the career change, hopefully not. My therapist seems to have gone to work for a university. Maybe it is inappropriate to be Facebook friends with your therapist, but that's how I found out about the change.

Maybe his ex wife also had an issue with finding Tinder on his phone.

 

[wvjules]

Date yourself for a while.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

He never really said exactly why he got divorced... just a lot of stuff about how his ex-wife was and still is a jealous psycho. He said she was always accusing him of stuff, and well yea. When I start feeling jealous, I think to myself, I do not want to remind him of his ex.

 

[Hikergirl]

He never really said exactly why he got divorced... just a lot of stuff about how his ex-wife was and still is a jealous psycho. He said she was always accusing him of stuff, and well yea. When I start feeling jealous, I think to myself, I do not want to remind him of his ex.

You are ready to marry a man that you have know idea why he and his ex wife divorced? I'm not sure your relationship is at the level you think it is, sorry.

 

[Aliceacc]

This jealousy thing still bothers me. I catch myself getting angry over silly things usually because of jealousy. 6 months in, and we have never had a fight... there have been several times when I could have said something and it would have started a big one. I just have this voice inside my head that tells me to shut up and not act like a witch. It always seems that if I keep my mouth shut and just let things go, the next day I realize that it I was wrong and I am glad I didn't say anything. Maybe communication is overrated. Sometimes silence is golden.

I was happy being an established couple, like Facebook official and all. I like spending every possible minute I can with him, and would like to spend even more. I would love to wear a ring and be legit engaged. The conversation was more about this happening in 2017, not immediately.
.

Maybe it is inappropriate to be Facebook friends with your therapist, but that's how I found out about the change.

Please know that I'm not trying to be unkind.

But your posts read like the postings of a sophomore in high school. You speak of Facebook as being the hallmark of being an established couple, as though your Facebook status-- or anything else on Facebook-- actually MEANS anything. You speak of being Facebook friends with your therapist, like it's something important. You speak of how you would like to wear a ring and be engaged. And you say that the little voice in your head is telling you to just shut your mouth and let things go. You speak of the turning of the calendar to 2017 like it's in the distant future, not 10 weeks away.

NONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!

None of that has anything to do with a mature adult relationship!!! That's how 15 year olds speak of their latest crush, and of the white picket fence that will surround the house where they'll spend their Happily Ever After as they continually rewrite their name linked with his last name. It's the part of the conversation that comes after they talk about how hot he is and before the part where they talk about what they're wearing to their Sweet 16.

Mature loving relationships don't play out on Facebook. They're not about the ring or about being "Facebook official." They're about loving the other person enough to let her speak her mind, about communicating because the other person's opinions matter.

You love the idea of being in love. I'm not sure what he loves, but I don't think you've convinced anyone here that what you two share is an adult loving relationship.

The reason you've never had a fight isn't because there weren't issues, it's because you've bitten your tongue in favor of maintaining the status of your relationship.

You're an adult. Are you really willing to sacrifice your future happiness, your right to an opinion, your opinion on his relationship with his ex and all the other issues, for the fleeting happiness of being part of a couple???? Is "Facebook Official" really worth losing YOU to be part of US???

NO!!!!

Please, put on the brakes. Don't "do the therapy thing"-- see a competent therapist (who is professional enough NOT to be your Facebook friend) and figure out why you're content to sacrifice your own identity to being part of a couple.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I will admit that I have been acting kind of childish and silly these past few months. I guess I have worked very hard at "showing off" on social media, getting approval from friends, family, former students etc... I guess I we have become that obnoxious couple on there that many people find annoying with all this lovey stuff back and forth for everybody to see. My friends, I dare say some of them have a worse track record with relationships than I do... yes it is possible. It started off like I was the one pushing to define things and wanting all this, but he has fueled the fire and it seems now that he is adding to it with the marriage comments and stuff like that. He even posted some "joke" on Facebook about the your future marriage and it being me. Of course I had to "like it" and post hearts, and some I love you stuff to go along.

I DO love him, he has been good to me. He is funny, charming and sweet to me. I know he has flaws...pretty big ones probably. I know I am very damaged and flawed too. I know I am showing the maturity level of a teenager, which is not a good thing. I am level-headed about everything else BUT relationships. They make me crazy.

 

[Aliceacc]

Reread the last 2 posts-- mine, and then yours.

You don't talk about being in love, you talk about being in love on Facebook. (Remember the line in Sleepless in Seattle: "You don't want to be in love, you want to be in love in the movies." )

They're NOT the same thing. If the internet went down for three months, if no one knew the status of your relationship, it should be able to thrive.

That's not what I'm reading.

And former students.... are you kidding???? You need THEIR approval to have a loving, mature relationship??