Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[Klayfish]

I'm going to agree and disagree on this topic.

I'm going to agree in the sense that the situation described, to include the prior thread (didn't read the whole thing, but recall some vague details), OP needs to just relax and take it one step at a time. See what next week brings, then next month, then next year and go from there. If he's the right one for you, he'll still be there.

I'm going to disagree in the sense that absent the previously described history, a blanket statement can be made that 6 months is too soon to be thinking marriage. I met my wife when I was 25. Honestly, within several weeks, I knew she was "the one". Don't know how to describe it, I just did. Within 2 months, we were living together, engaged at 8 months. We just celebrated our 17th anniversary last week, and we have no plans to get divorced...she might kill me, but we'll still be married.

But back to OP, yeah, pull the reigns on this one.

 

[mom2rtk]

I'm going to agree and disagree on this topic.

I'm going to agree in the sense that the situation described, to include the prior thread (didn't read the whole thing, but recall some vague details), OP needs to just relax and take it one step at a time. See what next week brings, then next month, then next year and go from there. If he's the right one for you, he'll still be there.

I'm going to disagree in the sense that absent the previously described history, a blanket statement can be made that 6 months is too soon to be thinking marriage. I met my wife when I was 25. Honestly, within several weeks, I knew she was "the one". Don't know how to describe it, I just did. Within 2 months, we were living together, engaged at 8 months. We just celebrated our 17th anniversary last week, and we have no plans to get divorced...she might kill me, but we'll still be married.

But back to OP, yeah, pull the reigns on this one.

No doubt that can happen. But your example does not include 2 divorces, the most recent of which was within the past year.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't consider anything under a year serious. I think after a year or so, the honeymoon phase slows down.

I've been happily married for 21 years, I knew my DH 10 years when we started dating, got engaged 5 years later. No surprises!

 

[FlightlessDuck]

So, I took a look at your other threads for some perspective.

• In May, 4 months after your divorce, you were obsessing about how frequently your boyfriend texted you.
• In August you said that your father hates him (who correctly, according to you, also hated your previous husbands) and that "there are some things about him that [you] do NOT like." These things include that he is hung up on his ex-wife and he talks about other women.
• Now, in October, you are already mentally figuring out how to manage your combined finances.

I'll be brutally honest. This situation is a hot mess and you should not even be considering marriage.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I don't consider anything under a year serious. I think after a year or so, the honeymoon phase slows down.

I've been happily married for 21 years, I knew my DH 10 years when we started dating, got engaged 5 years later. No surprises!

I knew my wife for a year and dated her for 5 months before we got engaged. We were married a year later, and celebrated our 20th anniversary on Saturday.

However, it was our first marriage and neither of us were on a rebound or anything.

 

[mjkacmom]

I knew my wife for a year and dated her for 5 months before we got engaged. We were married a year later, and celebrated our 20th anniversary on Saturday.

However, it was our first marriage and neither of us were on a rebound or anything.

Of course there are successful marriages after quick engagements, but you up the odds of a successful marriage by waiting. Some character traits remain under the surface longer than others. After 5 or so years, it's all out there! In the OP's case, 2 divorces, and the inability to be comfortable not being in a relationship, I think 10 years might be better.

 

[Klayfish]

No doubt that can happen. But your example does not include 2 divorces, the most recent of which was within the past year.

Totally agree, which is why I said that in OPs particular case, I agree with everyone else here...pump the brakes.

Oh, and even with as uncommon as my story with my wife is, what's even more unusual...we met through a "personals" ad in a big city newspaper. It wasn't the big popular paper, rather a small periodical type. Long story, but my co-worker at the time goaded me into putting an ad in, and I reluctantly did. My wife answered and the rest is history. Weird. And my how times have changed...

 

[smiths02]

OP, please get some counseling for yourself now.

Whenever you do decide to get engaged, please, please, please get good premarital counseling. You go over all that budget and legal stuff.

 

[Julie's Haircut]

I wonder how fast the guy is going to run when he finds out he's "pre-engaged."

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I don't get moving so quick. I've been divorced for 7 years and I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. The first year (before the 5 years) went VERY slowly. We casually dated. He never met my family, my kids and he only met my BFF here and there. I was still trying to find myself during that time. Spending time alone. Getting to know me.

We still aren't engaged and I don't think I ever want to get married again. I don't feel the need to be someone's anything (girlfriend, wife, fiancé) in order to feel complete.

 

[cabanafrau]

Pre-engaged? Semi-engaged? Those are terms I heard way back in high school. Fine if you're 17. Coming from a grown, twice divorced woman dating someone for 6 months? Just sad.

Let's not forget Facebook official. From a grown woman who's twice divorced????? I guess that's part of the same thought process of thinking life's a bowl of cherries because there is a six-month relationship update to give.

OP, it's not him, no matter who he is. It's you. Addressing your issues will absolutely up the odds tremendously that you will thrive in or out of a relationship. Even if this is the right guy, you're not ready.

Pre-engaged, semi-engaged? Actually that's pre-divorced. You just don't see it yet.

 

[morgan98]

I too have posted on the OP's threads before. I have also told stories of my divorce and the fact that it rocked me to my core and took me quite a bit of time to recover from. During this process, I met my now husband. It took me a awhile to trust again and to jump back into being married.

Everyone moved on a different timeline, but this all seems way too fast to me. I know in the original post of this thread, the OP says something to the effect of, "not until sometime in 2017..."

2017 is only three months away. I too think you really need to slow down, get to know yourself and what you want out of life. Don't worry about Facebook or pre-engagements and spend some time understanding yourself.

 

[cabanafrau]

Totally agree, which is why I said that in OPs particular case, I agree with everyone else here...pump the brakes.

Oh, and even with as uncommon as my story with my wife is, what's even more unusual...we met through a "personals" ad in a big city newspaper. It wasn't the big popular paper, rather a small periodical type. Long story, but my co-worker at the time goaded me into putting an ad in, and I reluctantly did. My wife answered and the rest is history. Weird. And my how times have changed...

I think to equate your situation with OP's mindset would require your story to include the fact your wife suggested a trip to pick out china patterns on your first date.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I'm going to agree and disagree on this topic.

I'm going to agree in the sense that the situation described, to include the prior thread (didn't read the whole thing, but recall some vague details), OP needs to just relax and take it one step at a time. See what next week brings, then next month, then next year and go from there. If he's the right one for you, he'll still be there.

I'm going to disagree in the sense that absent the previously described history, a blanket statement can be made that 6 months is too soon to be thinking marriage. I met my wife when I was 25. Honestly, within several weeks, I knew she was "the one". Don't know how to describe it, I just did. Within 2 months, we were living together, engaged at 8 months. We just celebrated our 17th anniversary last week, and we have no plans to get divorced...she might kill me, but we'll still be married.

But back to OP, yeah, pull the reigns on this one.

I totally agree. For a normal relationship, quick isn't always bad. Like you, I met and moved in with my husband within 3 months. We were married 2 years later. We will celebrate, at Disney, 25 years this November.

I had in fact been in a relatively serious relationship prior to that. Serious for a 21 year old that had no idea where she was going. After we stopped dating, I went on a one full year dating fast. All "dates" were with girl friends. We went to the movies, dinner or hung out. No men involved. I learn more about myself. I spent time with myself. I really spent that time growing.

When I met my future husband, I hadn't been on a date for 16 months. And I knew who I was and where I was going in life. And I knew what I was looking for in a husband.

That is what the OP should be doing.

 

[Tasha228]

The next steps you need to take in this relationship is a step back.

Or 10!!

I've offered advice in the past. You didn't listen then. You won't now. So I can't muster as much as previously. All I will say is this will end in divorce. You need to take A LOT more time before even thinking of marriage. If there are things you don't like about him now it will only get worse. This will not work the way you are going about it. That is all.

 

[Tasha228]

I've also not heard "Facebook Official" except among teens (or as a joke).

Like, O.M.G. I thought EVERYONE knew that unless you put it on FB it doesn't count! I told dh that if I ever changed my relationship status on FB from "married" to "single" then that would make us divorced. We'd save a TON on divorce lawyer fees that way.

 

[princesspiglet]

I am really hoping this poster is a troll....I just have a really hard time believing someone is this desperate for love. Two divorces, and already talking about getting engaged after 6 months of dating....4 months after the divorce?? This can't be legit. And facebook status? Are you really an adult??

If you are legit, you seriously need to take about 20 steps back. You are way rushing into this. I was dating my DH for 2 years before we even talked about getting engaged.

 

[lifesavacation]

People tend to make the same choices/mistakes. So unless you want a third marriage and divorce, I would work with a therapist who could identify your past relationship patterns and help you work on them.

 

[scrapquitler]

I'm going to disagree in the sense that absent the previously described history, a blanket statement can be made that 6 months is too soon to be thinking marriage. I met my wife when I was 25. Honestly, within several weeks, I knew she was "the one". Don't know how to describe it, I just did. Within 2 months, we were living together, engaged at 8 months. We just celebrated our 17th anniversary last week, and we have no plans to get divorced...she might kill me, but we'll still be married.

But back to OP, yeah, pull the reigns on this one.

I can't argue with you about that. Yes, for some people, they do just KNOW right away. But those are people who are self confident, secure with themselves, well grounded and realistic. All things which the OP is not, at least as far as I can tell from reading her posts. The OP is definitely too soon in even thinking of becoming 'pre-engaged'.

 

[Micca]

Kathryn seems giddy with excitement, I think she should go ahead and enjoy that. I wouldn't do anything "permanent" until that wears off and the couple settles into some kind of routine that deals with daily issues. Under the circumstances, six months is too short. Several have mentioned 2 years, and that doesn't seem unreasonable to me. In the meantime, enjoy yourselves and let the story unfold.