Sigh..to have a third child or not? Am I too old???

[hubb1972]

Dad's point of view:

I might get flamed here but really don't care as I am speaking my mind.....

Maybe I am just being defensive or overreacting here but some of the posts sound kind of selfish to me like "You will be very old when they leave the house", or "I need more sleep", ugh. As Dr. Phil says... It's not about you. Yes I realize you may want to consider health risk factors, finances, like we did, but we never gave any thought to how old we would be when they graduated or you know what?... Maybe we should pass on this third child because we may not get to sleep as much. That thought infuriates me. (Our first had colic so I know what it feels like to get maybe 2-3 hours a sleep a night).

The world is built for 2 child families? Maybe so, but that thought just seemed to not make our list of reasons to not have a child. Hey honey, "The world is built for 2 child families so we should not have a third now, what do you think?" (SMACK across the face is what I would get probably, and the same thing if I asked about the I might lose sleep!)

My wife had our third when she was 37 and he was actually healthier and less problems than the first 2. I know the risks are higher but my wife followed all the rules the OB gave and hopefully this helped us. I think you do all you can during your pregnancy and God will take care of the rest.

Also, I do not think you have to know 100% (as one poster suggested). Who really knows for sure anyways? You factor in the things that matter most and go from there. Personally, we were on the fence with our third and decided to go ahead and so glad we did.

 

[mamagoose]

Don't let your age hold you back. If you are in good health and you both think you want it, go for it. I will be 40 this year also, and I would love to have a 3rd. DH, however, does not. I, personally, disagree with the poster who said you will never miss what you don't have. I think about the 3rd child that I'll never have all the time. However, I am extremely grateful for the two beautiful, healthy, smart children that I am blessed with. So I know I can't complain, because there are those who are not as lucky.

 

[jakoky]

hi there, first, no you are not crazy...i am "young"-39 and i have 3 teenagers....dd-almost 18, ds-15, and dd-13....i always knew i wanted three, and was blessed with 3....i STILL have the urge to have another...we are done, my husband had the big V 13 years ago...i do kind of wish i could have another, but for me anyways, that baby bug will never go away...I think that age, while it may increase the risk of some problems, should NOT stop...i had my children young, and had lots of problems (lost my first baby when i was 28 wks pregnant, had a early miscarriage, and my youngest was born 7 weeks early with severe bowel problems and had 3 surgeries in her first 4 weeks-completely healthy now)..anyway, if and when you are as sure as you can be, i say go for it..babies are a blessing, and going from 2 to 3 i found was a piece of cake ...good luck in your decision making....i wish i was having 1 more!!!
sharon

 

[RMulieri]

It is a personal choice and if you are healthy and feel you could handle it financially ,physically ,and mentally go for it. I only have 1 couldn't have anymore, though I did want them.I cam from a family of 3 kids and we didn't get along all that well...and still don't .I have thought about adoption but have not decided yet.. As you get older the risks of having a baby with complications increases.My good friend is 42 and pregnant with number 4.Unfortunately in her case they already know the baby has down's syndrome. Something to think about.

 

[aprilmommy]

Just wanted to say good luck with your decision. I am 34, will turn 35 in a few months and have a 4 and 2 year old. Dh and I always said we wanted 2 kids, but now that we have the 2 I'm kind of going back and forth between wanting a 3rd. DH says no way, he is done. I wish it were easier to decide. I know Dh is wavering too because sometimes he says he isn't sure. One thing I have heard is you never regret the children you have only the children you don't have!

 

[golden6911]

I am 35 and I thought very long and hard about having a third child and decided against it. We have a really great family dynamic right now, the kids are getting older and get along really well, and I didn't have an overwhelming need for more children. Also, I feel confident that I could provide for the two kids I have but less confident about providing for a third. I'm sure we could have made ends meet, but it would have been less secure.

 

[longing2Batdisney]

Just sharing my story:not giving advise.
I was 38 when I learned I was pregnant with our third child. Although, I was alot more tired with this pregnancy than the first two everything was great.
My DD was 18 and a Sr. in high school (working on college), DS was 14. This was an unplanned pregnancy; DH and I had talked about having a baby two years before. But, had decided our children were too old to start a new family. But, Nov. 2005 we learned we were pregnant and that DH needed a hip replacement at the age of 41. Very stressful year, DD graduating-turning 18, hip replacement to be planned for week after graduation and baby to come in July. Although, I was not happy when I found out I was pregnant HE is one of three of the best things that has blessed our family. God knew what he was doing when he sent us our little angel.

Your children are not as old as ours were and I bet they will enjoy having a baby around. My two love their brother but are so busy. He is so excited to see them when they are home and I find they a wonderful with him especially on days when I need a break. (STAH mom and watch two 2 yr old girls four days a week). The infant yr was wonderful to do it all again was so much fun. And the love is beyond any words.

Good luck in your decision -- let your heart be your guide. And you are not too old; I know I'm not too old! Enjoying life and feeling young with a 30 month old.

 

[I'mAlittleBitGoofy]

Dad's point of view:

I might get flamed here but really don't care as I am speaking my mind.....

Maybe I am just being defensive or overreacting here but some of the posts sound kind of selfish to me like "You will be very old when they leave the house", or "I need more sleep", ugh. As Dr. Phil says... It's not about you. Yes I realize you may want to consider health risk factors, finances, like we did, but we never gave any thought to how old we would be when they graduated or you know what?... Maybe we should pass on this third child because we may not get to sleep as much. That thought infuriates me. (Our first had colic so I know what it feels like to get maybe 2-3 hours a sleep a night).

The world is built for 2 child families? Maybe so, but that thought just seemed to not make our list of reasons to not have a child. Hey honey, "The world is built for 2 child families so we should not have a third now, what do you think?" (SMACK across the face is what I would get probably, and the same thing if I asked about the I might lose sleep!)

My wife had our third when she was 37 and he was actually healthier and less problems than the first 2. I know the risks are higher but my wife followed all the rules the OB gave and hopefully this helped us. I think you do all you can during your pregnancy and God will take care of the rest.

Also, I do not think you have to know 100% (as one poster suggested). Who really knows for sure anyways? You factor in the things that matter most and go from there. Personally, we were on the fence with our third and decided to go ahead and so glad we did.

I'm not going to flame you at all, I respect your opinion completely. Maybe some of the reasons given seem trivial, but when we thought about having a third, we did think about the convenience. Why? Because it's a fact of life.
Also, I do not want to lose sleep anymore, been there done that, I do not want to have to change diapers and feed anymore, been there done that, I do not want to be bothered with car seats, diaper bags, strollers and all the other crap I lugged around for years, BEEN THERE DONE THAT.
These are the things I think anyone should consider when thinking of having another baby. Along with the financial and health risk factors. It's a fact of life, also it absolutely is a selfish decision. Am I being selfish because I know I do not want another child brought into the world that I am not ready to be completely devoted too? If the parent is not "up too" all that bringing a child into the world comes with, then there's your answer, or in this case, my answer.
For the OP, she sounds like she wants to take on the responsibilty and that's great for her. Bottom line, it's a personal choice for their family.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

One thing that always sticks out in my mind is the argument that you may regret not having that "one more" child, but you'll NEVER regret having that child.

We are at a crossroads right now with almost 12 and 10 yr olds, and the baby just turning 1. My older two were best buds as little kids, and they will be leaving for college while the baby is still in elementary school. I would love for him to have a close sibling, and while we don't totally know if the time is right, especially financially speaking, we don't want to wait a couple more years and have another big age gap.

I will be 32 this year, so age isn't really an issue for me right now, because by the time I'm 35, I'm pretty sure I'll be DONE.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

I just turned 40 last month and I couldn't see myself having another one, but my children are older than yours. If all of my children were younger, I might consider it. I have to say, I never considered some of the financial factors when we talked about a third child. Take Disney world, it cost a lot more to go to Disney with 5 than with 4 people from everything from the room to tickets & food. It's not cheap in the first place. Now we are in to cell phones & I have one child that just started to drive, and on her way to collage. This is where an extra child will hit you hard.

Having said all of that, I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[irene_dsc]

To the OP - you are the same age as me, and so are our kids! I will say, when our 2nd was a toddler, I was going back and forth about #3. But, honestly, I am having enough trouble juggling work and kids, and both kids are relatively high-maintenance, so I have moved on and am at peace with my decision that we are done. Heck, I have enough issues with each kid and dh demanding my attention all at the same time now, I can hardly imagine adding another kid to the mix!

But - this is your decision, not mine or anyone else here. I will say, you are unlikely to be the oldest parent in your PTO - I often feel like one of the youngest parents in my neighborhood. (Dh was just telling me how much younger I looked than a couple of the other moms - I had to point out that I am, in fact, a few years younger than them.) I have a few friends having babies at 40 and older.

One of my cousins had a 3rd baby when her sons were (iirc) 5 and 7. She talked at his naming ceremony about how her family just didn't feel complete until he was born, but now it felt complete.

 

[TENIA66]

I was 38, had my boy and girl, life was a rocking. Then I found myself "accidentally" pregnant.........I thought the doctor said I couldn't get pregnant, he had said I shouldnt....big difference. Anyway, something that started as a horrible shock has been a wonderful, wonderful child. At my age I can enjoy everything as well as appreciate the cuteness of everyday behavior. Boo, the third child, short for Boo Boo, was delivered by c section like the first two, and I had developed allergies to morphine so the pain control was more difficult but otherwise, three days I was good to go again. One thing though, I do notice the lost sleep more, it seems to hit harder........

Best of luck, I'd do it again..!

 

[rodeo65]

As many have said - this has to be a comfortable answer for your family. Both you and your husband as well as how a baby would fit into your family dynamic.

I had a late start; 35 and 37 when our two were born. I was definitely more tired with the second when I was 37 & 38 with two under two. Even so, I still had sever baby lust from about 39 through 41. I am now 43 and while I get the occassional twinge, I am pretty much over the severe want of a new baby. The very beginning perimenopausal symptoms are starting and I sometimes think that it was my body's way of saying "hey, clock's winding down - now or never".

Good luck with your decision!

 

[ncmomof2]

Here is my 2 cents. I have heard many people say they regret not having more children but have not heard anyone who regrets having kids (well good parents who wanted them to begin with anyway!) If you and your husband both have the desire, talk to your doctor and see what he/she says. I have friends that did not get pregnant with their first until 38+. It is a personal decision, pray and discuss!

 

[fottafamily05]

I have three kids and it is wonderful!! Any extra hassle of dealing with hotel rooms, bigger cars, seating in restaurants, etc. is totally worth it for us. My three are very close in ages and I wouldn't have it any other way. The are (usually) best buddies and learn so much from each other. I love having three and can't imagine life without any of my babies!!!

I strongly believe that the gift of having siblings is one of the best things that I have ever given my children.

We also have 3 very close in age 7,5 and 2 and I could not agree with what you just said anymore!!!! 100% feel the same way Children are blessings!

 

[jms531]

Maybe I am just being defensive or overreacting here but some of the posts sound kind of selfish to me like "You will be very old when they leave the house", or "I need more sleep", ugh. As Dr. Phil says... It's not about you. Yes I realize you may want to consider health risk factors, finances, like we did, but we never gave any thought to how old we would be when they graduated or you know what?... Maybe we should pass on this third child because we may not get to sleep as much. That thought infuriates me. (Our first had colic so I know what it feels like to get maybe 2-3 hours a sleep a night).



I respect your opinion (everyone's entitled!) but I think it's a little childish to peg some of these posters as "selfish" for looking at the big picture just not the fun baby stage. I think it's actually RESPONSIBLE when people realize that they are the type of people that would rather take all they have to give and put it into how ever many children they currently have then stretch themselves too thin and have another. Every person is different, every child is different and every family is different. My biggest peeve is when people feel the need to look down upon those who stop at two or even one because they know the kind of life they want to live and having another won't fit into their plans. Better than having another because that's what society deems "appropriate" and regretting it.

 

[mjmoon]

Dad's point of view:

I might get flamed here but really don't care as I am speaking my mind.....

Maybe I am just being defensive or overreacting here but some of the posts sound kind of selfish to me like "You will be very old when they leave the house", or "I need more sleep", ugh. As Dr. Phil says... It's not about you. Yes I realize you may want to consider health risk factors, finances, like we did, but we never gave any thought to how old we would be when they graduated or you know what?... Maybe we should pass on this third child because we may not get to sleep as much. That thought infuriates me. (Our first had colic so I know what it feels like to get maybe 2-3 hours a sleep a night).

The world is built for 2 child families? Maybe so, but that thought just seemed to not make our list of reasons to not have a child. Hey honey, "The world is built for 2 child families so we should not have a third now, what do you think?" (SMACK across the face is what I would get probably, and the same thing if I asked about the I might lose sleep!)

My wife had our third when she was 37 and he was actually healthier and less problems than the first 2. I know the risks are higher but my wife followed all the rules the OB gave and hopefully this helped us. I think you do all you can during your pregnancy and God will take care of the rest.

Also, I do not think you have to know 100% (as one poster suggested). Who really knows for sure anyways? You factor in the things that matter most and go from there. Personally, we were on the fence with our third and decided to go ahead and so glad we did.

I have a feeling you may be referring to my post in your rant so I feel somewhat inclined to reply. You're entitled to your opinion, and I think men and woman may look at this a little differently so I'm going to approach this as the person who has to carry, give birth to, and be the primary care giver of the child. I think I have the right to be a little selfish in my choice not to have anymore children. And I'm not just thinking about a good nights sleep. I'm thinking about the attention that will have to be divided by another child. The change in family dynamic. My sanity. (Ok, maybe that is selfish but it's honest!)

Aren't all the reasons we choose to have children somewhat selfish? Isn't it selfish to say, "Economy be damned", or "health risks be damned", or "My wife's lack of sleep be damned", I want another child?

 

[I'mAlittleBitGoofy]

I have a feeling you may be referring to my post in your rant so I feel somewhat inclined to reply. You're entitled to your opinion, and I think men and woman may look at this a little differently so I'm going to approach this as the person who has to carry, give birth to, and be the primary care giver of the child. I think I have the right to be a little selfish in my choice not to have anymore children. And I'm not just thinking about a good nights sleep. I'm thinking about the attention that will have to be divided by another child. The change in family dynamic. My sanity. (Ok, maybe that is selfish but it's honest!)

Aren't all the reasons we choose to have children somewhat selfish? Isn't it selfish to say, "Economy be damned", or "health risks be damned", or "My wife's lack of sleep be damned", I want another child?

I TOTALLY agree with you. This is exactly what I said. Don't our decisions have to be selfish? If making the decision not to have another child because I don't feel like taking responsibility is selfish then so be it.
I too love babies, I just don't have the time, resources or energy to have them anymore. Again, all pros and cons needs to be weighed when making a decision to have child. At least that's what grown up and responsible adults should do. Whether it's the first, second, third, fourth, etc. kid it doesn't matter.[/FONT]

 

[dato63]

Dh and I have two kids - age 7 and age 4 and just recently, dh said he might want another one but just can't decide for sure. I wouldn't mind a third one, but I will be 40 this year, and just not sure if pregnancy at this age is a great idea. So would you have another child at 40 if you already have two children? WHy does this decision have to be such a difficult one? I have an appointment with my ob this month, so I guess I could talk to her as well. I thought I was done with two kids, but I really wouldn't mind having another one...wish I was younger.

I had two older children from my first marriage when I remarried. My 2nd DH didnt have children so we went for it. I just knew in my heart, for me, if I didn't at least try I would regret it some day. I was 40, and we were blessed quickly with a pregnancy. . .and to our surprise - identical twins.

I wouldn't trade this time with them for anything.

Our first trip to WDW in 2008 was to celebrate their 5th birthday.

If you don't feel "done" yet, then I think you should at least talk to your ob about it (like you said). You don't want to wonder "what if" down the road when it is too late.

I now have a 27 year old, 24 year old, and two 5 year olds. Not to mentioned two grandsons (ages 6 & 4). I'm 45 and so far have not been asked if I'm Madison & Makayla's grandmother.

 

[longing2Batdisney]

Maybe I am just being defensive or overreacting here but some of the posts sound kind of selfish to me like "You will be very old when they leave the house", or "I need more sleep", ugh. As Dr. Phil says... It's not about you. Yes I realize you may want to consider health risk factors, finances, like we did, but we never gave any thought to how old we would be when they graduated or you know what?... Maybe we should pass on this third child because we may not get to sleep as much. That thought infuriates me. (Our first had colic so I know what it feels like to get maybe 2-3 hours a sleep a night).



I respect your opinion (everyone's entitled!) but I think it's a little childish to peg some of these posters as "selfish" for looking at the big picture just not the fun baby stage. I think it's actually RESPONSIBLE when people realize that they are the type of people that would rather take all they have to give and put it into how ever many children they currently have then stretch themselves too thin and have another. Every person is different, every child is different and every family is different. My biggest peeve is when people feel the need to look down upon those who stop at two or even one because they know the kind of life they want to live and having another won't fit into their plans. Better than having another because that's what society deems "appropriate" and regretting it.

When you plan a child or surprised with a child, as we were, you DO look at the whole picture! Yes, the baby stage is fun. So, is the toddler years, the preschool years, the grammer school years, the pre-teen years, EVEN the teen years. As I have a young adult, a TEEN (new driver-first girlfriend), and a toddler. All three are blessings with all their challenges and I look forward to each stage I will go through with each of them.

As far as the financial aspect of it. In today's world we tend to overly spend on things that kids rarely miss. I decided to stay home with the baby and thought long and hard if I was taking away from DS16. The answer is NO. We give him what he needs and most of what he wants and we have taken a very spoiled child and turned him into a very respectable young man.

So, my added thought here is this: Don't let people sway you with age, you are not too old, your children are not too old. Only you and your spouse know how your family life will be affected (almost always for the better). Let your heart, as I said earlier, be your guide. As a PP'r mentioned the only children you will regret are the ones you longed for and did not have.

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!