Sigh..to have a third child or not? Am I too old???

[notsosnowwhite]

You can ask "What if..." questions from now until kingdom come. You are blessed to be healthy with a loving family. No one else's reasons are as important as you and your husband making a decision together. By all means ask your OB about your medical concerns and be aware of the risks. There is no perfect size family.

My first instinct after reading your post is that you want to have another child. Don't let anyone else's opinions quiet your voice.

 

[DVCJones]

Dad's point of view:

I might get flamed here but really don't care as I am speaking my mind.....

Maybe I am just being defensive or overreacting here but some of the posts sound kind of selfish to me like "You will be very old when they leave the house", or "I need more sleep", ugh. As Dr. Phil says... It's not about you. Yes I realize you may want to consider health risk factors, finances, like we did, but we never gave any thought to how old we would be when they graduated or you know what?... Maybe we should pass on this third child because we may not get to sleep as much. That thought infuriates me. (Our first had colic so I know what it feels like to get maybe 2-3 hours a sleep a night).

The world is built for 2 child families? Maybe so, but that thought just seemed to not make our list of reasons to not have a child. Hey honey, "The world is built for 2 child families so we should not have a third now, what do you think?" (SMACK across the face is what I would get probably, and the same thing if I asked about the I might lose sleep!)

My wife had our third when she was 37 and he was actually healthier and less problems than the first 2. I know the risks are higher but my wife followed all the rules the OB gave and hopefully this helped us. I think you do all you can during your pregnancy and God will take care of the rest.

Also, I do not think you have to know 100% (as one poster suggested). Who really knows for sure anyways? You factor in the things that matter most and go from there. Personally, we were on the fence with our third and decided to go ahead and so glad we did.

I know you were just stating your opinion and you have a right to do so, but I think you are missing the real thought involved when WOMEN decide to have children. The OP and other posters were sharing real concerns. Responsibility should not be confused with selfishness. Also, not for nothing, even the BEST husbands don't come close to doing what mothers do for their children. My statement is not meant to offend men. It is just a fact. Moms have more sleepless nights and often still need to work jobs, take care of homes, etc.

I guess I have a problem with a man posting that it is selfish for a women to have valid responsible concerns when bringing a life into the world.JMHO

 

[hubb1972]

I know you were just stating your opinion and you have a right to do so, but I think you are missing the real thought involved when WOMEN decide to have children. The OP and other posters were sharing real concerns. Responsibility should not be confused with selfishness. Also, not for nothing, even the BEST husbands don't come close to doing what mothers do for their children. My statement is not meant to offend men. It is just a fact. Moms have more sleepless nights and often still need to work jobs, take care of homes, etc.

I guess I have a problem with a man posting that it is selfish for a women to have valid responsible concerns when bringing a life into the world.JMHO

I never singled out women as being selfish. Don't judge me in my capacity as a father compared to a mother. I love my kids just as much and worry as much as my wife.

 

[mjmoon]

You sound like a good dad. I'm just curious what makes someone wanting to have more kids more selfless than the person wanting to give themselves fully to the ones they already have.

 

[mom2princessj]

As others have said its a very personal decision for your family. If you can afford another and have the energy for it I say go for it!

That being said I have two and we are DONE! #2 was a surprise and he definitely completes our family. My kids are 15 mos apart and are best friends. I couldn't imagine bringing another child into that dynamic. Maybe we (dh and I) are selfish but we enjoy the attention we are able to give 2...we aren't outnumbered and each can take one or the other for baths, bedtimes, homework, etc. Another concern on our part is financial...we can now afford vacations, private school, extra curricular activities, etc but adding another to the mix would take away from the two we already have. These are all things we discussed when deciding if our family was complete. One other factor for me is that I've been pregnant 4 times and am considered very high risk with pregnancies. My ob told me I would be able to have one more if I wanted but that he would advise against any others after that. I have a hard time with pregnancy and with two active kids I couldn't get the rest I would need especially if I ended up on bedrest again. I would have concerns about the risks for me after 35 on downs syndrome and such. These are all factors for me that made my decision easy. My son is a hand full as well so it was easy to say I can only handle ONE of him and my luck I'd end up with two more boys or something

Good luck OP. It's a big decision. I'd just sit down and factor in all of your pros and cons and make the decision from your heart.

 

[Aliceacc]

WE adopted my son when I was 40, then I gave birth to my girls when I was 42 and 45.

Only you can tell whether or not it's a good idea, but you're not too old

 

[smiths02]

I was a healthy 25 year old with no complications and my son was still underweight at birth, so anything can happen....

AND I don't think there is too old, but personally at 40, I would be happy with 2 healthy kids...

I work in special education and the risks for many things goes up after 35 (not just Down's...autism goes up based on maternal and paternal age...prostate cancer risk goes up with paternal age, etc.), so since I already had a baby with a problem when I had basically ZERO risk factors (and I did everything as the dr suggested....no caffeine, no alcohol, moderate exercise, gained a proper amount of weight, etc., etc.)...I would just be happy with two, but that is me and not you, only you can make your decision

 

[mjkacmom]

We also have 3 very close in age 7,5 and 2 and I could not agree with what you just said anymore!!!! 100% feel the same way Children are blessings!

Well, I have 5, and feel the same way. Hmm, our children, or more frequent vacations? Yes, we've had to sacrifice material things, but they don't even come close to having our family. My kids are close in age, and get along so well, it's freaky.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

We have 3 and my advice is DO NOT HAVE 3!!!! 2 play great together mix in the 3rd and it was always fights. It didn't matter which 2 they did good but when the other was in the mix no one was happy LOL

That is the truth! One by themselves is fine, 2 are ok but 3 someone is always fighting with somebody and that somebody always changes!

It's true the world is built for 2 kids per family. Booths and tables are crowded with the 5 of us, hotel rooms are for 4 most of the time, vacation packages and give aways are for a family of 4.

I love the extra kid and all but it's not easy with 3. Personally for me I wouldn't have another at 40. It's just not for me. I'm almost 27 and have been done having kids for a few years now. For someone else having kids young isn't for them. It's a personal thing.

 

[Krissy Marissy]

As I read this thread I am truly torn. I have two myself, a ds and a dd. They are both still very young. My pregnancies are rough to say the least, I end up in the hospital with pre-e and on bedrest for the last half. But in my heart I just dont have the "im done" feeling. We might not be able to take 5 disney trips a year anymore but I think that isn't the big issue here. It is what will make me happy when I am older and I truly believe that being surrounded by a family is one of the greatest gifts on this earth. I'm rambling but I got the impression from your post, like others did, that you want another child. And I think that only you and DH can make that decision. It isn't up to anyone else. Best of luck to you and God bless!

 

[pilesoflaundry]

I have a feeling you may be referring to my post in your rant so I feel somewhat inclined to reply. You're entitled to your opinion, and I think men and woman may look at this a little differently so I'm going to approach this as the person who has to carry, give birth to, and be the primary care giver of the child. I think I have the right to be a little selfish in my choice not to have anymore children. And I'm not just thinking about a good nights sleep. I'm thinking about the attention that will have to be divided by another child. The change in family dynamic. My sanity. (Ok, maybe that is selfish but it's honest!)

Aren't all the reasons we choose to have children somewhat selfish? Isn't it selfish to say, "Economy be damned", or "health risks be damned", or "My wife's lack of sleep be damned", I want another child?

I agree with you.

Actually think it's selfless to stop having children because you aren't sure you can deal with the lack of sleep etc. You are giving up what YOU want in order to be fair to the children you already have and any future children.

I wanted more but we stopped. In order to give the 3 we have everything, a sane happy mother, vacations to disney, food, clothing and shelter...We stopped. I'm not good on no sleep, I'm mean . They have siblings, they are happy. I could have had another one but we wouldn't be going to disney this year again because we couldn't have afforded it with a 4th child.

 

[fussymonkey]

I am a child of older parents and just wanted to weigh in.... you are NOT too old! There are so many benefits to being the child of older parents- older parents are generally so much more appreciative of the chance to have a child, are more centered and stable, and have so much wisdom to give. I loved my older parents.

The only downside was that my parents started aging and dealing with health issues when I was in my early 20s. They didn't take good care of themselves at all, though. So, as long as you are in good health, please go for it. And yes, you might start aging as your child gets in its late 20s, but you know, that's life. I'm sure your child will be so glad to have wonderful parents he/she wouldn't change it for the world.

Whether this is something you really, truly want is something only you can know. I just don't think your child will suffer at all from the age gap with its siblings and if you feel you have the energy then I don't think you're too old.

Also...

Getting pregnant becuase your bf won't use a glove is selfish. Having a child you can't afford is selfish. Having 8 babies when you already have 6 at home is selfish. Giving a child less attention and love than they deserve because you are overly focused on your own interests is selfish.

Making a concientious and thougthful decision not to have more children due to your physical, financial or emotional well being is not selfish. Its responsible. Seriously, I don't know how making an intelligent adult decision about what is best for oneself and ones family is selfish- or how anyone else gets off making such a crass judgement about someone else's family.

 

[LauraAnn630]

I think of it like this....

3 cars with insurance
3 college educations
3 weddings

ect...

Id rather help the two I have now more.

 

[DISNEYNV]

I think of it like this....

3 cars with insurance
3 college educations
3 weddings

ect...

Id rather help the two I have now more.

I wouldn't base your decision on future financial issues such as these. Just my opinion, but they can get jobs as teens to pay for cars and help with insurance, there are student loans for college, and weddings... They can figure that one out when the time comes! DH and I worked as teens to buy a car, got student loans for college, and had a modest wedding which we paid for ourselves. I hope to help my kids out, but am not paying for everything! DU and I would like to retire someday!

Anyway, if you can't afford to have more kids now that us one thing, but to base your decision on paying their way through life... I don't get that. Do what feels right in the here and now

 

[LauraAnn630]

Everyone wants different things for there children. I do not want my children to have to work in there teens. I want to buy them an inexpensive car so they can go to college and focus on school. I dont want my sons to start our there adult life with huge student loans. We plan to pay as much as possible.

We dont want to be the poor parents that cant pay for our customary financial parts of our sons weddings. We would also love to surprise them with a nice check to go towards a home.


We have had a lot of help from our parents. We want to do the same for our boys.

I wont have anymore children so I can provide the best life possible for the ones I have.

 

[mjmoon]

I agree it's a personal decision and should be based on your goals and the things you want to be able to provide for your children.

Personally, I didn't base my decision to have children (or to stop at 2) on future financial stuff because so much can happen between the time your kids are born and the time they turn 16 or graduate high school. Would I like to make sure they don't graduate college with debt? Absolutely! I will do everything in my power to pay for their educations as well as push them to excel academically and hopefully pick up some scholarships along the way. I'm a believer that kids don't need much but loving parents that provide a stable home with food, clothing and lots of love. Everything else is gravy. (again, this is just my personal opinion and I completely respect that other people use other criteria for their choices)

So our decision to stop having kids at 2 was largely about our feeling able to provide them with a happy mom and dad that will give them all the guidance and attention they will need to grow into healthy, hard working, well rounded adults.

The car thing... I'm not even sure I think boys should be allowed behind the wheel at 16 so financially able to or not, I doubt they'd be getting cars and insurance from us.

 

[Picabo]

40 is definately not too old! I know plenty of women who've had kids at age 40-45. Now that's not to say that there isn't a slightly higher risk at an older age but only you know if you and your family are willing/able to deal with that risk. For me, my age would not be a factor at all, in terms of the health of the child.

For me the issue would be more of an "energy level" question. My kids are age 20mos and 3 yrs old right now and even though a HUGE part of me is tempted to have a 3rd child, I know I can't handle it. My husband works a LOT, very demanding job and I do 99% of the childcare and household chores on my own. And, I was on bedrest wtih both pregnancies due to placenta previa. So for me....no way in heck could I "risk" getting pregnant a 3rd time b/c I'd have nobody to care for my existing family...or for me! haha So you have to ask yourself if your family can accomodate 9mos of pregnancy (especially if you were to end up on bedrest for any reason) and the stress of having a newborn. Your kids are older though - so this all may not be an issue.

It's a tough decision. I hope you are able to come up with a decision that your family is happy with whichever way you decide to go! Good luck!

 

[SLK1]

It's really not your number age that should determine whether or not to have another baby - how do you feel? Are you up to the "challenge"? I wouldn't base my decision on whether or not you can go to Disney with more kids, or what kind of car you have to buy; those are frivolous things to think about - everything tends to work itself out. But, I keep thinking that no one ever REGRETS having more children. What people tend to regret (as posted here), is NOT having more children. More work? Yes. More money? Yes. More love? YES. Good luck with your decision!

 

[Madzac]

I certainly dont think you are too old, nor do I think you will be the oldest parent at school functions. Many women are delaying childbearing these days.. I have so many friends starting familes after 35. I had #3 at 35, and still am considering #4. And yes, the risk does go up, but truthfully is it still a small risk. I have a good friend pregnant at 44 and her quoted risk was around 3%, meaning a 97% chance of a healthy baby. At 40 it is even better. Yes it is higher than at 30, but still. If your OB feels it is ok, and you feel the risk is acceptable, go for it! If you are worried about the genetic issues you can always request to meet with a genetic counselor as well.

IT really is totally you and your spouse's decision. I find it really interesting reading the posts here on how different we all are in what makes us feel a certain family size is the right one. What I have learned is that everyone is an individual and as with everything has different thoughts and considerations. Because one factor(ie taking more vacations) is higher on the list for some, it may not be as important to others. It doesnt make one or the other person more or less selfish in my book. If you feel complete and happy with your decision on family size, then who is anyone else to question it?

But I do agree that when that longing is there it is tough. I dont know that that longing will ever resolve for me. I WISH so much I felt done like so many here have stated. But I dont yet, and I worry I will carry that regret around forever. I think for some women it will always be hard to close that childbearing chapter of their life... I guess I am one of them!

As for me, I have three and lOVE it! Three is quite common in the community I live. I love what our youngest has added to our lives, he is the sweetest, most enjoyable little guy! Yes it is more work, time, energy, money, but for us, so worth it!!!! We would rather have our three kids every day and have the occasional vacation than not have our little guy and go more. Anyway, I love to watch our older kids with our youngest! Sure they fight at times, but what they get from each other is priceless.

Listen to your heart... yes you have to consider your energy level, health, time, money (again, these arent selfish considerations, just facts of life and important to think through- we are in terms of another or not), but listen to your heart too. And think too, if you decide not to have #3, will you feel ok with it, or will it be a regret? I think some nervousness with any big decision is normal.

Good luck!!! Best decision we made!!!!

 

[DRS_Are_Best]

If you feel you can handle it, yes, you can have kids beyond 40....my SIL just had her 4th last year and she was 42 when he was born. This wasn't planned, but he was welcome none-the-less.....

If you are going to try, realize that as you get older, risks for many things have gone up, and it is more likely that you will have a difficult pregnancy. That DOESN'T mean that it will be hard. The risks for other things also increase with age -- the most common is Down's Syndrome. Again, it doesn't mean that it WILL happen -- just more likely than when you were younger....

That being said, I will be 38 later this year and am planning on trying for #4. I have other medical conditions that cause me concerns during pregnancy so we are going to "try" for a year and then leave it alone, mainly so that I will be done before I turn 40, but again, that's because of these other issues that I have.....

Either way, good luck!!!!! Don't let anyone tell you that you CAN'T -- but do know the added risks associated with your age to be "informed"....