Parents of Rebellious Teens..How do you handle it?

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, it is HARD!!!!!
Parenting is not easy. Sometimes parenting is not for wimps.

This is me again. I just wanted to say that my post was in direct response to your own words about the high school football game and curfew, being in trouble, etc.

There is definitely a huge mixed message here.
Your kid knows this.
He knows he can disrespect you and do as he pleases, come home when it is convenient and meets his needs... Followed by, can I have the car tomorrow... go to the football game, etc.. (by your own words, there was discussion about the game, curfew, etc....)

If your updates are correct, then you and your husband do need to change the locks, do not let him have your car, (which comes with huge liability risks), or even pay for his phone.

After reading your latest post, It sounds like there may be issues with your son, that you are not mentioning, that go far beyond some bad grades and some rebellious teen behavior. Teens that have the appearance of being good kids, into sports, etc.. can be just as far into self destructive behaviors as any other kid.

When a persons behaviors are that incredible and not rational, there is a reason.

Let me remind you that I am the parent of a young man this age.
There has been a lot you could do.
It seems that you have chosen to give in, every time. If he took your car out on Friday night... You gave in.
You are enabling him.
You have chosen to throw up your hands and say that there isn't really anything that you can do.
There is.
You have no obligation to provide everything or anything to, be disrespected by, and to put yourself at great liability, for another adult who is making their own choices.

 

[Poohforyou]

I want to give those who are dealing with a difficult teen hope that things will work out.

One of my 3 brothers was a very difficult teen - angry, defiant, poor student, etc. I think part of it was having 2 older brothers who were excellent students and athletes. That can be hard on a kid who just doesn't have the same natural ability.

Anyway, fast forward and my brother today is very successful in his career, has a good marriage, great kids, etc.

Hang in there but continue to set expectations and stick with them.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

We are keeping him on the insurance but telling him it is cancelled till he pays the bill. I would never be able to live with myself if he drove without insurance and something happened. We did cancel it over the summer because we took the car off the road.

If he drove after you told him not to, then he is stealing the car. Call the police if he is to the point in his life where he is stealing a car that has no insurance.

Don't lie to him. Don't play games. Cancel the insurance and sell the car.

 

[Poohforyou]

Op, is there another adult in your son's life that he trusts and you respect? If so perhaps asking for that person's assistance to talk to your son and find out what's going on.

Right now you're all angry and digging in your feet. It isn't working. I'd try something different. I can't imagine calling the police on my kid unless I knew I'd exhausted all other options.

I also fear how any teen is going to successfully transition to adulthood without ever being allowed away from mommy and daddy.

Finally, public school is not the devil. It's good for kids to be exposed to different ideas and point of views. It's necessary for thriving in the world outside their front door.

 

[Wishing on a star]

That is a good thought, poohforyou.
A more objective outsider or professional.
The dynamics between a mother and teen son can be very, very, difficult!!!

In the meantime, I do still suggest putting a stop to any further 'chances', negotiations, etc.

In this case, my son would not be behind the wheel of our vehicle.
He would not be welcome to come and go past a simple set, reasonable, curfew.
IMHO, that is reasonable for a teen, even if they have recently become an adult.
The keys to the vehicle, and to my home, would be under my control.

I wouldn't have to call the police on my son unless he truly did 'steal' my car.
I am not sure breaking curfew and staying out overnight after being handed the keys comes even close to car theft.

 

[robinb]

Ugh, OP. I feel your pain. We have had a very rough week with my 17-year old DD.

 

[mickeyboat]

My DD17 and DD16 have not given me too much trouble, yet, but I feel like DD16 is right on the edge. She is getting her drivers license today, and I am afraid that will open up a Pandora's box for us.

A family member of mine is having issues with her young adult son, and family counseling seems to be helping.

Sending hugs. Parenting teens is not for sissies!

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I wouldn't have to call the police on my son unless he truly did 'steal' my car.
I am not sure breaking curfew and staying out overnight after being handed the keys comes even close to car theft.

I was commenting on the OP saying she is scared to take the insurance off of the car because her son might just drive it anyway.

"Do not drive this car. It is uninsured. Do you understand me? Do not drive this vehicle."

Son shrugs and gets in vehicle and drives away.

Theft.

Perhaps I just didn't play games and my kids knew it.

"Shhhh...I'm saying that I am cancelling insurance. But I really am not."

"Son, you are being punished, so here are the car keys and make sure you are home at 11:30pm. You know, because you are being punished."

These are parenting mistakes. I am sorry. The OP sounds super nice, but I don't think she is consistent.

You now sit that kid down and tell him what will and will not happen in your home. And then explain the consequences. And then do not back down.

 

[Klayfish]

I can only speak from my own perspective, and every family dynamic is different, but it's easy to sit here and recommend being hard core to the point of calling the police if the kid is taking the car without permission. First, your chances of the police doing anything are slim to none. Disobeying a parents order is very different than actual theft. Plus, if the police actually did something with it (which I know from my work experience they very likely won't) do you REALLY want to put a permanent criminal record on your child for disobeying your rules? So that kid straightens up their life, but now has a criminal record to explain every time they go for a job interview. Great idea.

As I said, I was that teenager. Without going into pointless family dynamics, I had a stable family situation (parents happily married, etc...). They tried their hardest, but I just didn't care because I was going to do my own thing no matter what. I did talk to my friends, as another poster suggested (which is a good idea), but at that age, all I did was talk about how much my parents were morons. Looking back on it, I don't think there's anything they could have done differently to change my ways. I had to do it myself. When I left home and was on my own, that was my own personal wake up call. I made the decision that I didn't want my life to be what it currently was. Even after I left home, my parents still tried to "help" me and tried to support me in their own way, but it was all up to me. I feel so much for OP. I say again to keep doing what you believe is right for him, but also believe that you are trying your best and some of it is out of your control. He has to "man up" and make his own choices.

 

[Magpie]

I'm going be the minority here, but in my home eighteen is adult. Which means we treat them like adults. And actually, I was loosening the reins long before eighteen (by way of giving them practice with freedom and responsibility).

My eighteen year old son just moved out and is living on his own. But before that, he was free to stay out any night he wanted, and come home any time he wanted, as long as he kept me informed via text. We stopped asking where he was going and who he'd be with, about a year ago. He was never a good student, but somehow always managed to pass and is now in his second year of university (and still passing!).

Several years ago, I decided I was fairly comfortable letting him make his own decisions with regards to his social life, as he was very open about the complete contempt he felt for his friends who were doing drugs. At fifteen, he was incredibly annoyed to find himself with his hands full of a couple of extremely baked young ladies whom he felt it was his responsibility to see home safely.

Where he is now - independent and on his own - was the goal I set for myself when he was born. Every step of the way, I've been trying to train him to make his own decisions and do things for himself. And suffer the natural consequences of his own bad choices. (Stays up past his bedtime? Exhausted at school the next day and mocked if he complains.)

OP - I think when a particular approach doesn't work, when it fails repeatedly to get the results you want, then sometimes it's a good idea to consider abandoning that hard line and looking for a different approach. All kids are obviously different, but at eighteen I think a man should have some voice in his own discipline and rules. What are his goals? How does he plan to get there? What does he need to do to achieve them? And what's his fallback plan if he fails?

 

[K and K's Mommy]

Sorry you are going through this. I don't have any real suggestions other than seeing if a coach or teacher could talk to him. I am also going through a rough time with my DS 17 so I thought I would follow this thread. I actually wish mine would be a little more rebellious. His issue is anxiety which is starting to turn to anger in the last month. Raising teenagers is not for the faint of heart!

If you keep your kids close and watch their exposure to outside influences that are negative, it shouldn't be an issue. I think public schools are a HUGE cause of immaturity and rebelliousness. Your children are around kids you'd never want your child being influenced by [not to mention teachers influencing kids and they're a stranger to you! who knows what they're telling your kid] and you can't protect them because they're at school and you don't know what's going on. The same thing can happen in church youth groups as well. Stick to situations that are whole family activities with other families, rather than the kids being sent one way and parents sent another way.

So, I can't let this go. Over the weekend my son's school counselor talked to me on the phone for a half hour. She was at her house, not even at school. I love my DS's friends and my DD 15's friends. They go to a large (about 2000) diverse school. I love it. They are learning to work with all sorts of people from various backgrounds. We need public schools to succeed and be successful.

 

[TinkTock]

I can only speak from my own perspective, and every family dynamic is different, but it's easy to sit here and recommend being hard core to the point of calling the police if the kid is taking the car without permission. First, your chances of the police doing anything are slim to none. Disobeying a parents order is very different than actual theft. Plus, if the police actually did something with it (which I know from my work experience they very likely won't) do you REALLY want to put a permanent criminal record on your child for disobeying your rules? So that kid straightens up their life, but now has a criminal record to explain every time they go for a job interview. Great idea.

As I said, I was that teenager. Without going into pointless family dynamics, I had a stable family situation (parents happily married, etc...). They tried their hardest, but I just didn't care because I was going to do my own thing no matter what. I did talk to my friends, as another poster suggested (which is a good idea), but at that age, all I did was talk about how much my parents were morons. Looking back on it, I don't think there's anything they could have done differently to change my ways. I had to do it myself. When I left home and was on my own, that was my own personal wake up call. I made the decision that I didn't want my life to be what it currently was. Even after I left home, my parents still tried to "help" me and tried to support me in their own way, but it was all up to me. I feel so much for OP. I say again to keep doing what you believe is right for him, but also believe that you are trying your best and some of it is out of your control. He has to "man up" and make his own choices.

I think it's great that you're sharing your experiences from the other end. I'm going to pry a little because this is something I've always wondered about these situations. When you were at that point as a young man, could you see how much you were hurting your parents, or were you busy enough trying to figure everything out that it didn't really register? Or did you just think it was their own fault they were hurting because they had dumb goals for you?

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I'm another person who thinks that it's wrong to give an 18 year old a curfew. I think he may be rebelling because you are treating him like a child.

Other suggestions here such as taking the bedroom door off and calling the police are total overkill. If you call the police for your teen taking the car without permission and report a theft be prepared for your child to have to go to jail, pay for a lawyer and have a criminal record for the rest of his life. That's some serious kind of parental revenge.

 

[luvsJack]

If you keep your kids close and watch their exposure to outside influences that are negative, it shouldn't be an issue. I think public schools are a HUGE cause of immaturity and rebelliousness. Your children are around kids you'd never want your child being influenced by [not to mention teachers influencing kids and they're a stranger to you! who knows what they're telling your kid] and you can't protect them because they're at school and you don't know what's going on. The same thing can happen in church youth groups as well. Stick to situations that are whole family activities with other families, rather than the kids being sent one way and parents sent another way.

Bull.

All three of my kids graduated from a public high school. Attended public school from K-12. All three went to churches that had youth groups that I did not attend. One of the three was rebellious. He grew out of it.

I was commenting on the OP saying she is scared to take the insurance off of the car because her son might just drive it anyway.

"Do not drive this car. It is uninsured. Do you understand me? Do not drive this vehicle."

Son shrugs and gets in vehicle and drives away.

Theft.

Perhaps I just didn't play games and my kids knew it.

"Shhhh...I'm saying that I am cancelling insurance. But I really am not."

"Son, you are being punished, so here are the car keys and make sure you are home at 11:30pm. You know, because you are being punished."

These are parenting mistakes. I am sorry. The OP sounds super nice, but I don't think she is consistent.

You now sit that kid down and tell him what will and will not happen in your home. And then explain the consequences. And then do not back down.

They may be parenting mistakes for YOUR kids, maybe not for the OP. Everyone has to parent their children the way THEY see fit. One size does not fit all.





OP, I am not going to tell you to get any tougher than you already are. My suggestion is only to get him in counseling. Whether any one else understands it or not, the things he is doing could be all from being too impulsive. Is he one of those kids that says afterwards "I don't know why I do the things I do?" or isn't doing anything every kid he knows is doing but invariably he is the one that gets caught? Does he get in trouble with the law? All of these things would need to be addressed. Now, on the other hand, he may grow out of it tomorrow. My rebel did.

We only made him move out once. He called me within a week because he was hungry. I may have been "too soft" by some's measures but I wasn't about to let my kid go hungry. When he came back it was far from being rainbows and roses. He was set in his mind that he should be able to do as he pleased. We butted heads a lot. But we finally compromised on a lot of things. Set curfews and groundings were some things that went by the wayside at 18. We found that treating him like an adult helped a lot.

Whatever actions you take, just don't let being a rebellious teen be his tag for life. Make sure he still has options on what happens after he graduates.

 

[pweyl36]

Yes, it is HARD!!!!!
Parenting is not easy. Sometimes parenting is not for wimps.

This is me again. I just wanted to say that my post was in direct response to your own words about the high school football game and curfew, being in trouble, etc.

There is definitely a huge mixed message here.
Your kid knows this.
He knows he can disrespect you and do as he pleases, come home when it is convenient and meets his needs... Followed by, can I have the car tomorrow... go to the football game, etc.. (by your own words, there was discussion about the game, curfew, etc....)

If your updates are correct, then you and your husband do need to change the locks, do not let him have your car, (which comes with huge liability risks), or even pay for his phone.

After reading your latest post, It sounds like there may be issues with your son, that you are not mentioning, that go far beyond some bad grades and some rebellious teen behavior. Teens that have the appearance of being good kids, into sports, etc.. can be just as far into self destructive behaviors as any other kid.

When a persons behaviors are that incredible and not rational, there is a reason.

Let me remind you that I am the parent of a young man this age.
There has been a lot you could do.
It seems that you have chosen to give in, every time. If he took your car out on Friday night... You gave in.
You are enabling him.
You have chosen to throw up your hands and say that there isn't really anything that you can do.
There is.
You have no obligation to provide everything or anything to, be disrespected by, and to put yourself at great liability, for another adult who is making their own choices.

Well said!

 

[scoutie]

you keep your kids close and watch their exposure to outside influences that are negative, it shouldn't be an issue. I think public schools are a HUGE cause of immaturity and rebelliousness

I've been a public school teacher for 15 years, and was a private school teacher for five, and I would argue that the kids in private schools were more rebellious, but at both schools, the kids I taught/teach are pretty amazing human beings. I don't agree with your assessment that public schools are full of kids who are immature and rebellious.

To the OP...it sounds like you have a headstrong kid who want to do his own thing. You've parented two successful kids, so I don't agree that it's your parenting that's the issue. It's how your son is responding to situations that's different. You will probably have to parent him differently. My eldest child is only 11, so I can't weigh in and parenting an older teen, but I think you've gotten some good ideas on handling things. Good luck. <3

 

[Chocolate Cake]

They may be parenting mistakes for YOUR kids, maybe not for the OP. Everyone has to parent their children the way THEY see fit. One size does not fit all.

True. These are major parenting mistakes in my family. I suppose that is why my kids respected me. No game playing. They knew the rules from a very young age. And at the risk of being accused of saying "Oh. You think your kids are perfect". No. I am not saying that. But there are many parents that have delightful teenagers that obey house and family rules. I absolutely can't stand when people say it is normal for teens to act out or say "I hate you" or refuse to be a contributing part of a family. I often wonder how the parents handled the first time a child told them "NO! I won't listen!"? Because some of these kids are way too comfortable calling the shots.

As for a child turns 18 and magically can come and go as they please, um no. I don't leave the house and not come home for days without an explanation. Who does that unless they live alone? A family doesn't work like that. Being 18 doesn't give you a free pass to just use a house as your hotel.

Plus, he is potentially ruining his chances for college, according to the OP. He still needs heavy guidance, 18 or not.

 

[cabanafrau]

Issues with our kids are probably about the most stressful and hardest things to deal with. I'm not sure I have a lot of suggestions, OP, except that I would not involve the police regarding the car being "stolen" and I would absolutely keep it insured or make certain it is not driven, period.

A lot of kids struggle in that run up to turning 18, graduating high school and heading for the college years. It's particularly challenging for kids who feel like they haven't the foggiest idea what they want to do with their lives.

 

[yoopermom]

Our DS was "perfect"....until he wasn't.

What saved us was taking the focus off of him, and putting it back on myself, my DH, ourselves as a married couple, and us as a family. I went to counseling (because, as a teacher and 4-H leader, I thought I loved and understood all teens, ha!), DH and I agreed to put our marriage FIRST (presenting a united front to DS, keeping up our date nights, not letting our conflicts w/DS tear us apart), reminding DS in little ways of all the good times we had shared as a family over the years, how much his extended family loved him, and the future that we hoped would be his (bright and shining), and encouraging every other adult in his life who he WOULD talk to to please not give up on him (in DS's case that was coaches, grandparents, his BF's mom, etc). We tried to practice, "Love the sinner, hate the sin".

I went back to how we parented during the "terrible twos", literally praising ANY little thing that he did even partway well/to our liking, and trying to ignore anything that wasn't life or death dangerous. And we did NOT give ultimatums, because we hoped/prayed that eventually he would grow out of this, live through it, and be a better person.

He turns 22 next month, and is a lovely, responsible senior in college. He tells us repeatedly how glad he is that we didn't give up on him.

Hugs....

Terri

 

[HeatherC]

Op again. First off...no matter what anyone says...we are consistent. We do not say you can't have the car then give him the car. He did NOT have our car this weekend. He went several months without the car. In order to get it back, he had to pay the gas and have a reliable job. He did that. So that is what gives me hope for the long run. Of course, he messed up again and wound up losing it after this weekend. But this time he may not get the car back or have to buy it from us or buy his own. We are still figuring that out because we do not have any public transportation and the high school is about 25 minutes away each way.

He also drives my DD to school. Now, unfortunately, she has to wake up a lot earlier to catch the bus. The bus ride is also almost an hour so I feel bad for her. Instead of leaving at 7:10, she has to be at the bus stop for a 6:30 pickup. But she will live. He is also on varsity sports teams so between the practices and games, it is hard for us for him to not have a car. Unfortunately, we are a regional district and most of his teammates of course live in the other town. So none of them really want to drive out to our house to get him or being him home. This is not an excuse for the car....it is the reality of it. And...if not having the car causes him to not be able to do sports, oh well. It is his own doing. It's tough because the sports are the good thing for him and that is one we don't want to see end, but it may.

Car insurance....as far as he is concerned, it is cancelled as of this morning. If he ever earns the car back, he will pay the bill. Because he is not trustworthy, we have not called the insurance company and we have decided to keep him on the policy for now. We don't want to risk him sneaking the car one night or day...even though the keys to the car he was using are no longer in the house. They are currently sitting in my husbands briefcase at work. I believe insurance also covers if he ever drove a friends car and something happened. That is the real reason for keeping the policy active.

His sisters...he is not compared to them. Do we do it subconsciously? Probably. Like any other parent with more than one child I would imagine. But I am also very much aware how he might feel about them being the golden children. With that in mind, we try to never compare their grades or accomplishments. When he has won awards for something we celebrate it the same way we do his sisters. None of them ever really even see each other's grades. If they know them, they have chosen to let each other know. When I mentioned my daughters it was to give some perspective that kids raised in the same home are all different and can be very different as teenagers. That's it...that was the reason it was mentioned. I don't think they are better or smarter or anything. Believe me none of us are perfect and I'm ok with that. They are there own pain the necks sometimes.

The curfew. As I mentioned in my other post...he didn't really have a curfew at first. But when he didn't follow the rules of letting us know where we was, who he was with and when he would be home, we told him the consequence was coming home at 11:30 for the next couple weeks. Yes he is 18. But he was also living in our house, driving our car. So we have every right to ask where are you, when you coming home. When you don't get an answer or reply back, there is a consequence. Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, this was not the first time he stayed out and didn't come home overnight. Hence, the curfew.

Yes he is considered a legal adult and we could kick him out. We are not ready to do that. We are hoping that if we stay the course and are consistent we will all get through these years closer and stronger. Can I tell you what it will be like a year from now? No of course not. But that is where we are today.

And he did get to school on time and is planning on coming home right after. So I do have hope...

Thanks for all the input. I think I've explained it as best I know how.