Parents of Rebellious Teens..How do you handle it?

[mousefanmichelle]

I understand you OP. I've posted about my son too. As his parent you just have to do what you think is best and hope for the best. I agree with others about their hard wiring. My middle son is the one that give us a run for our money. He is 20 now and still there are days......i want to strangle him. He isn't mature and never has been. He doesn't like rules and as a consequence we ended up kicking him out at 18 for the summer. He came home and was really good for 6 months and then began going off the deep end again and now he is getting decent again. It's tough with him and has been since birth. His personality is different than our other 2 children and I can't change that, I just have to learn to work with it and sometimes I will admit, I just don't like him. I love him and am his biggest fan but I just don't always like who he is or his choices.

I wish you luck and I wish you peace.

Michelle

 

[NHdisneylover]

If he drove after you told him not to, then he is stealing the car. Call the police if he is to the point in his life where he is stealing a car that has no insurance.

Don't lie to him. Don't play games. Cancel the insurance and sell the car.

I think that is extreme---it will both alineate the teen and cause them to lose respect for the parents (becuase holy over reaction Batman) AND waste police time. I can't imagine that the local LEO would be happy to be told a car was stolen and use resources to recover it only to find out the parents knew all along it was just a misbahving teen taking it out and couldn't handle parenting so handed it off to the LEO.

 

[Klayfish]

I think it's great that you're sharing your experiences from the other end. I'm going to pry a little because this is something I've always wondered about these situations. When you were at that point as a young man, could you see how much you were hurting your parents, or were you busy enough trying to figure everything out that it didn't really register? Or did you just think it was their own fault they were hurting because they had dumb goals for you?

In all honesty, a little from column A, a little from column B. At that age, your world is so much smaller than what it is when you're an adult. So I knew how much it hurt them, though when you're a teenager you think you know a heck of a lot more than you really do. What teenager doesn't? Wait, let me rephrase...what child of speaking age doesn't think they know more than they really do? Yes, I thought, and still do think, they didn't always do the right things in trying to get me to stop being such a punk. Regardless if I thought they were right or wrong, I have no question their efforts were coming from the heart. However, even if they had been doing all the right things (no matter how you define it), the thing is...I just didn't care. I had no real interest in what they said, thought, did. They could have bribed me with a brand new Corvette, or conversely tried to take away every last thing I have, and I think they probably did try just about everything on that spectrum. I wouldn't have listened.

As a parent of 3, my wife...who I didn't meet until I was 25 and had long changed...always worries what will happen if one of our kids turns out "like you when you were a teen". What I always tell her is that she and I can't control if any of our kids decide to go down the path I did. All we can do is try to show them what the paths are, what consequences they may have...again both good and bad...and teach them what we feel are good values to have. We're very strict parents...heck, my youngest son has been without any electronics now for 5 days...not a single lick of TV, phone, video games...and he's been punished longer than that. But we also realize at the end of it all, they're going to have to find their own way.

 

[BizmoFunyuns]

My children have not yet reached the teenage years. My advice is coming as the former rebellious teen, not the parent of one. During my teenage years I had zero respect for anyone. No cosequences imposed by my parents could change my point of view either. Counseling did nothing either, I could manipulate them just as easy as my parents. My problems came from losing a parent at an early age. That caused me to me to not let anyone close and only care about myself. I was eventually cut off financially and kicked out of the house. It took a couple years, but I did fall flat on my face. Ending up homeless, without a job, and living in a city with no family and few friends. Hitting rock bottom made view life in a different light. Mom welcomed me back home and bought a bus ticket for me. She did draw up a contract with expectations for living back home. It has to be hard to see your child get so low, but that may be what is needed here. Good luck.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

OP I still stay you are picking battles that will only cause you, your husband and your daughter more headaches than are necessary. Again, telling an 18 year old what time to come home is looking for a fight. You think it's your right, and that may be so but you may be abusing your right. You are treating him like a child, which he's not. I think you really need to let go of some of that control and let him make his own mistakes without thinking he needs to be disciplined by you for them.

 

[luvsJack]

True. These are major parenting mistakes in my family. I suppose that is why my kids respected me. No game playing. They knew the rules from a very young age. And at the risk of being accused of saying "Oh. You think your kids are perfect". No. I am not saying that. But there are many parents that have delightful teenagers that obey house and family rules. I absolutely can't stand when people say it is normal for teens to act out or say "I hate you" or refuse to be a contributing part of a family. I often wonder how the parents handled the first time a child told them "NO! I won't listen!"? Because some of these kids are way too comfortable calling the shots.

As for a child turns 18 and magically can come and go as they please, um no. I don't leave the house and not come home for days without an explanation. Who does that unless they live alone? A family doesn't work like that. Being 18 doesn't give you a free pass to just use a house as your hotel.

Plus, he is potentially ruining his chances for college, according to the OP. He still needs heavy guidance, 18 or not.

Whether you like it or not, all of those things are normal. Its also normal not to do it.

She isn't playing games. She protecting herself and her husband by keeping the insurance.

Not having a set curfew is not even close to the same thing as staying gone for days.

He has options for college.

 

[nancygirl1]

Thank you all! Truly! I very much appreciate all your kind words. We are honestly trying our very best.

We have done the counseling...going to try and get him to do that again, are in touch with his teachers and school administrators....they have been supportive and love him...he is charming after all, just rebels at home.

We are keeping him on the insurance but telling him it is cancelled till he pays the bill. I would never be able to live with myself if he drove without insurance and something happened. We did cancel it over the summer because we took the car off the road.

Last night he stayed at a friends house. He did text he was sorry...again and would come home after school today. We will see. I constantly tell him we love him but that there are still consequences to his actions. I did tell him last night that we certainly don't want him living on the street and that he has a bed here...but the other stuff he will have to earn back....car, freedom, phone, etc..

So that's where we stand today. Will keep on trying...all we can do.

I very much appreciate all your kind words.

This is what we did when our kids were that age... How about if you make less of a big deal about him staying overnight somewhere? That would take away one of the things he probably thinks he has power over you with. Instead just tell him that it's common courtesy to let you guys know whether or not he's coming home. You'd appreciate a text if he's going to stay out.

Obviously you've figured out that what you're doing isn't working. We found the less ammunition we gave them the better off we were. It wasn't a battle we wanted to fight because we knew it would make some things worse. Eighteen is a tricky age. They think they're adults when in fact they still have that teenage brain.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

OP, I was also a former rebellious teen. I was smart enough that I never got in trouble with the authorities or the school (sound familiar?), but man I would do things that I knew would piss off my mother. I had an older brother (by 2 years) who was just off to college, and got lots of attention for that, and a younger brother (by 8 years) who was still in elementary school so lots of PTA involvement, help with school, etc. Looking back, I think I was really just looking for a little bit of reassurance that my parents still loved me and were proud of me, even though I wasn't a jock like my brother.

Tell him when he does something right, no matter how small, and set up some time to spend with just him and you, and just him and your DH. He sounds a lot like I was at that age. If it helps, I'm now grown up and know that I was a total PITA when I was a teen, but everything turned out all right.

 

[cabanafrau]

This is what we did when our kids were that age... How about if you make less of a big deal about him staying overnight somewhere? That would take away one of the things he probably thinks he has power over you with. Instead just tell him that it's common courtesy to let you guys know whether or not he's coming home. You'd appreciate a text if he's going to stay out.

Obviously you've figured out that what you're doing isn't working. We found the less ammunition we gave them the better off we were. It wasn't a battle we wanted to fight because we knew it would make some things worse. Eighteen is a tricky age. They think they're adults when in fact they still have that teenage brain.

The bolded is key in my eyes. My husband doesn't report to me, nor I to him, however we both keep each other abreast of our comings and goings out of courtesy -- and so nobody is left wondering if one of us has driven into a ditch or something.

Our oldest daughter has lived away from home since she left for college. Once she moved into an off campus apartment where she lives alone I told her I wanted proof of life every day since she doesn't necessarily see or talk with any one particular person every day. It was different when she lived in the dorms or in a house with friends, but with her current living arrangement it's a safety measure -- and eases my mind. It's not even that we talk every day. She's quite busy and honestly we don't have that much that's newsworthy on a daily basis. She sends a text, sometimes it's even a silly gif, just to say, hey, I'm doing good. She's still an adult and we're far from up in her grill.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP I still stay you are picking battles that will only cause you, your husband and your daughter more headaches than are necessary. Again, telling an 18 year old what time to come home is looking for a fight. You think it's your right, and that may be so but you may be abusing your right. You are treating him like a child, which he's not. I think you really need to let go of some of that control and let him make his own mistakes without thinking he needs to be disciplined by you for them.

I agree---I think it is a LOT easier to get someone to respect you and your rules when the rules are logical and not overly controlling. Arbitrary tiems to be home, at 18, don't fall into that category to me.
Nor does "can't drive" becuase someone came home late. Not driving would only happen as a consequence of driving unsafely, or not returning the car in time if a parent needed to use it as well, etc. Or not using it to pick up vthe sister if that is part of why it is provided, etc.

I would keep the rules short and simple and only the most needed things:
use of the car requires driving safely and also using it to drive younger sibling where needed
everyone in the home speaks respectfully to one another, lets each other know when going to be out late or overnight, and cleans up after themselves/chips in on keeping the house livable.

That is pretty much it for rules for older teens that show respect to the teen as an individual, IMO.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Whether you like it or not, all of those things are normal. Its also normal not to do it.

She isn't playing games.

I am one of those who think that way, way, to many people like to put a skew on the word 'normal' in order to offer justification and acceptance. The whole 'normal rebellious teen' thing, to me, is like saying 'boys will be boys'. These phrases don't fly with me. either.

As far as I can tell, nobody here has accused the OP of 'playing games'.
It seems clear that this phrase was used to indicate consistantcy and a very firm enforcement of the rules. Not trying to play head-games, etc...

IMHO, for my household, what the OP describes would not be considered as 'normal'.
And, I wouldn't be 'playing games' either (just to use the phrase)

I don't think that the OP has gone as far as to consider substance use/abuse, developmental issues, etc... But, from the sons's behaviors and responses that she has described, I continue to wonder if things like this, just possibly, might be an issue.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

With my own kids I noticed that my daughter was far more open to letting me know when and where she was compared to my sons. I just had to learn to suck up the differences of each of them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

This is way off topic, just based on the above post and a few other comments....
My son went thru Scouts with a kid who always, either directly, or very indirectly and subtly, could never ever measure up to his older brother.
When he finally achieved Eagle Scout, at his Eagle Ceremony, his other brother who is now in the Military, showed up and played a front and center role, parading in his dress uniform. Even some of the comments by family and friends made during the ceremony made me raise my eyebrows. Kind of made me feel sad for him.

 

[luvsJack]

I am one of those who think that way, way, to many people like to put a skew on the word 'normal' in order to offer justification and acceptance.

As far as I can tell, nobody here has accused the OP of 'playing games'.
It seems clear that this phrased was used to indicate consistantcy and a very firm enforcement of the rules. Not trying to play head-games, etc...

IMHO, for my household, what the OP describes would not be considered as 'normal'.
And, I wouldn't be 'playing games' either (just to use the phrase)

I don't think that the OP has gone as far as to consider substance use/abuse, developmental issues, etc... But, from the sons's behaviors and responses that she has described, I continue to wonder if things like this, just possibly, might be an issue.

The poster I quoted mentioned twice that she/he "doesn't play games" in reference to the OP telling her son that she cancelled the insurance when she, in fact, did not. Which is why I said she isn't playing games she is protecting herself and her husband.

Normal is not referring to anyone's household. For teens all over the world, some rebellious behavior is a normal thing meaning there is nothing wrong with the kid. Its also normal NOT to rebel. Just like biting is normal for a two year old, not biting is also normal. For many teens, this is a very hard transition period. They are caught between being an "adult" and being a kid. So some act like they have lost their minds. Very normal. Some have an easier time and sail right through, also very normal.

 

[Wishing on a star]

While I do not agree with the basic gist of your comments, at all. I do have to agree that the insurance thing does come across as 'playing games'.
I do think that the OP did this as a measure of self-preservation, I do think that, without realizing it, while she feels that she is, basically, being straightforward and tough, I am not certain that she is.

For me and DH, it would have been a very simple and absolute, 'no more vehicle'.
There would have been no 'discussion' about insurance, or anything else... (which is actually engaging and negotiating, whether the OP realizes it or not)

She does sound like she might be understanding that she has to take a stand, for good, now.
I do hope so.

 

[luvsJack]

While I do not agree with the basic gist of your comments, at all. I do have to agree that the insurance thing does come across as 'playing games'.
I do think that the OP did this as a measure of self-preservation, I do think that, without realizing it, while she feels that she is, basically, being straightforward and tough, I am not certain that she is.

For me and DH, it would have been a very simple and absolute, 'no more vehicle'.
There would have been no 'discussion' about insurance, or anything else... (which is actually engaging and negotiating, whether the OP realizes it or not)

She does sound like she might be understanding that she has to take a stand, for good, now.
I do hope so.

She said that he had to start paying the insurance. If she has told him that there is no insurance, I would guess, that being a responsible adult, she is telling him no more car.

Your way may be the best for your kid, that doesn't mean its the best for all kids.

and saying something is normal isn't the same thing as justifying it or letting it go. The OP needs to be taking a stand and working this out with her son. That doesn't mean he is acting abnormal.

I think the difference of opinion for many here is whether the parents and the son need to work on this together or whether they need to bring the hammer down. For my kid, the first worked much better.

 

[NHdisneylover]

The poster I quoted mentioned twice that she/he "doesn't play games" in reference to the OP telling her son that she cancelled the insurance when she, in fact, did not. Which is why I said she isn't playing games she is protecting herself and her husband.

Normal is not referring to anyone's household. For teens all over the world, some rebellious behavior is a normal thing meaning there is nothing wrong with the kid. Its also normal NOT to rebel. Just like biting is normal for a two year old, not biting is also normal. For many teens, this is a very hard transition period. They are caught between being an "adult" and being a kid. So some act like they have lost their minds. Very normal. Some have an easier time and sail right through, also very normal.

I wouldn't call it "playing games" but I would NOT lie to a teen and tell them i had cancelled the insurance when I had not------that is certainyl not the example you want to set or how oyu want hte teen to behave (lying to you) so why do that? Tell them they are not allowed to drive the car---remove the keys from the home, and be done with it--adding a lie jsut erods repsect all the way around IMO

 

[pryncess527]

Personally I think this backfires on parents and is horrible for the kids. Instead of the kids growing up confident in their own abilities to judge people and situations and handle things, and getting ever more practice in so doing---kids who are super sheltered by parents are taught not to trust their own instincts and to beleive they are not capable of making good decisions---which makes them easy bait for predators who look for kids who lack confidence in themselves to manipulate.
and if that never happens, you still end up with an older teen or young 20 something who lacks any experience to fall back on when they at last must adventure out into the real world, and VERY often those are the kids who struggle the most and make the most bad choices---allowing chidlren to make choices themselves and handle things themselves when young allows them to fail, and learn form failure, while the stakes are relatively low. Forcing them to wait to try anything until they are 19 or 20 or whatnot only means the stakes are so much higher when they make those inevitable failures.

This backfired every time I saw it, and typically left the kid woefully unprepared for college and/or adult life

He is also on varsity sports teams

Then there is your stick -- have you spoken to his coaches? IME, coaches are a wonderful asset for helping a student understand the consequences of these actions, and a nice outside adult perspective who probably really cares about your kid. If he has any hope of playing sports at a college level, then the ability to behave, follow the rules, and keep his partying in check will be critical, and a good coach may be able to help him think through why he should care.

 

[roseaster]

OP. Teens are hard. It is especially hard when they hit that legal adult, but still in high school age. I don't think any one approach is right or wrong. You have to find your teens "currency." so to speak. It sounds like you are trying.

For me, I got a little luckier because my 2 didn't turn 18 until the August AFTER their graduation. We had a few interesting instances of pushing the limits. Curfew breaking, lying about where they were, drinking at a party, sneaking out, and lip. Oh my, teenage girls are lippy, but the one that gave us the most run for our money responded to the fact that we told her if that type of behavior continued she would be home at community college because we weren't throwing away 10s of thousand on someone that wasn't even mature enough to live with mommy and daddy. She really wanted to go away so she got her $#!+ together.

A few things I would have you think about.

Has this always been his personality? Has he always been the kid that needed to push limits? The toddler that touched stuff, even when he was told not to just to see what happened?
I have one of those! He's 10 now, he is going to be my handful.

Does it really seem like he "doesn't get it?" Or does it seem like he really is trying to just try you?

Is he really impulsive? Like he really doesn't seem to be able to control himself, or is he really just testing limits.

If this were a new behavior and he seemed actually out of control I might worry about something like substance use or the onset of some sort of problem like bipolar disorder.

Sometimes with kids like this, less is more, in that you tell him, if you want to be treated like an adult, act like one, meaning that he is made 100% responsible for himself, which includes paying his own way. Rent, car insurance, gas, phone, college tuition and whatever incidentals he has. If the car is in your name tell him that he can buy it for blue book value. So when he supports himself totally, there will be no rules.

One of my girls is living at home and going to school. She works part time, and she does drive a car registered in our name. We really only have minimal rules. Give us an idea if you will be home late (lol the dogs hear you anyway)let us know if you will be staying out. No drinking and driving ever. She still has "chores" in the house, but we have a big family so everyone is expected to pitch in.

We let her have her work money for her spending, and we have told all the kids that they can live here for free if they are full time students and are behaving responsibly.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

This is what I'm wondering about some who are posting - WHEN did your kid turn 18? During HS? Or after HS? And if during HS, WHEN during HS? Before HS? Fall of HS? Winter of HS? Spring of HS? Get my point...

OP has said her son turned 18 this past August - before senior year of HS. Mine turned 18 in early fall of HS. I think that can make a difference in some of the advice given here.

There's no way our 18s were staying out on a Saturday night in HS without telling us, doing who knows what. Why? Because it's disruptive to their school lives and to our household, as well as extremely disrespectful to us and the way we operate our lives. YMMV. IF they were respectful about it, then it's not as much of an issue. But if it means that they're going to be half-dead on Sunday and neglecting their schoolwork, then it does become an issue. They still have to successfully finish HS!

I think there is a LOT of variation here not only with age/stage, but with issues that are unique to each family.