Parents of Rebellious Teens..How do you handle it?

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I don't think anyone is telling the OP to call 911 and say, "My car was stolen!" Call the non-emergency line, explain that an 18 year old high school student who didn't have permission to drive your car has the car, or whatever the specifics of the situation are, and see what they can do to help. The police do more than driving around looking for reasons to arrest people.

The police are not hired as babysitters, counsellors or social workers. They are law enforcers.

 

[disney4us2002]

There are obviously many differing views presented here. I have three sons and they were pretty much parented the same but they are so completely different. I do find it interesting that so many are of the opinion that the parents who are strict and have many rules have adult children that rebel and go crazy in college. I can say with 100% confidence that in my 25 years in social work, the teens, young adults and families we most often see are not the ones with rule-happy, over-involved parents but the lackadaisical, do whatever you want, child is in charge families. I cannot say I've ever known or worked with an 18 yr old who is ready to be completely independent. Most struggle when they are 20-21yrs.

I didn't have curfews per se for my adult sons, but to us, it was about respect. If you are out for the night, weekend, whatever, let us know. Yes, even after they went away to college and returned home for summers, it was expected that we knew if they were out for the night. That is life in a family.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

There are obviously many differing views presented here. I have three sons and they were pretty much parented the same but they are so completely different. I do find it interesting that so many are of the opinion that the parents who are strict and have many rules have adult children that rebel and go crazy in college. I can say with 100% confidence that in my 25 years in social work, the teens, young adults and families we most often see are not the ones with rule-happy, over-involved parents but the lackadaisical, do whatever you want, child is in charge families. I cannot say I've ever known or worked with an 18 yr old who is ready to be completely independent. Most struggle when they are 20-21yrs.

I didn't have curfews per se for my adult sons, but to us, it was about respect. If you are out for the night, weekend, whatever, let us know. Yes, even after they went away to college and returned home for summers, it was expected that we knew if they were out for the night. That is life in a family.

I was a rebellious teen, moved out at 17 and became completely independent from that day forward. Including paying my rent, getting loans for school, etc. Never received help or a dime from my parents or anyone else since then.

Respect goes both ways. Sometimes as parents, we have to give up control and let the "harder" kids live and learn. Step back and let them find their way. And yes, I'm talking from experience from both sides of the coin. Battling with an 18 year old over curfew and crappy grades just doesn't make sense. It will only further agitate the situation.

 

[Colleen27]

Our oldest can be a handful at times. He's basically a good kid and does keep me apprised of where he's going to be, who he's with, when he'll be home, etc. even now that he's a technical adult, but when it comes to school... OMG, I feel like nothing works sometimes. We've turned off his phone (that turned out to be more of a punishment for me than for him!), told him he couldn't take drivers' ed until he got his grades up (he just waited until 18 to try for his license and even then it was at MY insistence because I want him to have some experience behind the wheel before commuting to college), took away his other electronics (no skin off his nose, this is a kid who can entertain himself with a paperclip and some chewing gum, MacGuyver style). You name it, we tried it. He's going to graduate by the skin of his teeth and I won't breathe easy until we have his diploma in hand.

But oddly enough, I'm not too worried about him beyond that. We're fortunate in that sense. A lot of the same things that have gotten in the way in school make him well-suited to the adult path he's planning on pursuing (trade school). It is just the getting him there that is the hard part!

 

[crazymama]

Ugggh. Your are not alone. My DS18 is making me lose sleep

 

[Pea-n-Me]

There are obviously many differing views presented here. I have three sons and they were pretty much parented the same but they are so completely different. I do find it interesting that so many are of the opinion that the parents who are strict and have many rules have adult children that rebel and go crazy in college. I can say with 100% confidence that in my 25 years in social work, the teens, young adults and families we most often see are not the ones with rule-happy, over-involved parents but the lackadaisical, do whatever you want, child is in charge families. I cannot say I've ever known or worked with an 18 yr old who is ready to be completely independent. Most struggle when they are 20-21yrs.

I didn't have curfews per se for my adult sons, but to us, it was about respect. If you are out for the night, weekend, whatever, let us know. Yes, even after they went away to college and returned home for summers, it was expected that we knew if they were out for the night. That is life in a family.

Very insightful.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Ok. Just curious, does it matter to you where your kid is and what he's doing? Because in our neck of the woods (myself and OP), it's usually partying. And partying hard! Does that make a difference to you? What about other posters?

Yes, where/what matters in so much as it should not be someting truly dangerous (not, makes me worry but not really a major risk if I am logical about it--truly dangerous) or destructive. THAT is not, IMO, arbitrary to care about--but it only relates to specific situations and is reasonable to talk about thos if/as they arise.
Time of day is arbitray and has nothing whatsoever to do with if something is safe or destructive and IS arbitrary--IMO.

Peronsally, I have said since I was a highshcooler myself that if teens are going to get into trouble the most likely time for it to happen is in the time between school gets out and when parents get home from work. NOT at midnight or 2:00 am but at 4:00 pm

 

[NHdisneylover]

Though to be fair psychologically speaking a brain isn't fully developed until around mid-20s and quite possibly not even until 30s (as far as the general consensus nowadays)...18 is a legal age governed by society..an 18 year old is considered an adult (so it's not really that they think they are an adult, society tells them they are an adult with many freedoms and a few exceptions due to their age)..an adult is also a person who is in their mid-20s..and so is a 30ish old though their brains may not be fully developed.

But their brains will not fully develop in the best ways if not used to make decisions---sort of like how a child kept away from all people until age 10 will never have true langauge fluency--using that part of the brain is what develops it.
And just beucase brains are still developing and changing doesn't mean they are incapable of making good decisions and thinking for themselves--throughout most of hte world and most of history older teens and young adults have done that still do that and the vast majority do it quite well------this whole infantilizing young adults based on "the brain is still developing" concept (which I only see on the DIS) is rubbish, IMO (not that you are saying to infaltalize anything---but others do that all.the.time here---as you can see it is a pet peeve of mine lol)

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP----I hate to harp on idea---but I noticed someone bumped your thread about your son from two years ago. That one also begins with comparing him to his sisters. I get it, i have two and they are extremly different in many ways (and extremly similar in others!)----but I rarely think to compare when there is an issue. It just leaves me thinking even more that you might really, totally unintentionally, leave your son feeling like he cannot live up to his older siblings more than you realize. It might be something worth truly slowing down and thinking about, or aksing him about flat out---he might well tell you if you give him the opening.

I love the PP advice to focus largely on just connecting to him---going out for lunch or wlks, etc-----I think it is much easier to see someone else's side of things when you are good terms with them and all that anger and frustration can relaly build up between a teen adn a parent if there is no active attempt to coutner act it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

But their brains will not fully develop in the best ways if not used to make decisions---sort of like how a child kept away from all people until age 10 will never have true langauge fluency--using that part of the brain is what develops it.
And just beucase brains are still developing and changing doesn't mean they are incapable of making good decisions and thinking for themselves--throughout most of hte world and most of history older teens and young adults have done that still do that and the vast majority do it quite well------this whole infantilizing young adults based on "the brain is still developing" concept (which I only see on the DIS) is rubbish, IMO (not that you are saying to infaltalize anything---but others do that all.the.time here---as you can see it is a pet peeve of mine lol)

You and me are in agreement there; you might have misunderstood my point though just because it was in direct relation to the other person's post. I was just pointing out when people say "you're 18 but your brain is still a teenager's etc" they actually are not fully accurate anyways since the brain doesn't fully develop til much later. I fully believe there are many mature young adults. I guess my point was is that it seems as though people use the "you're 18 but your brain is still a teenager's etc" as more of a cop out.

 

[NHdisneylover]

You and me are in agreement there; you might have misunderstood my point though just because it was in direct relation to the other person's post. I was just pointing out when people say "you're 18 but your brain is still a teenager's etc" they actually are not fully accurate anyways since the brain doesn't fully develop til much later. I fully believe there are many mature young adults. I guess my point was is that it seems as though people use the "you're 18 but your brain is still a teenager's etc" as more of a cop out.

In that case--I totally agree with you! Sorry to have misunderstood

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

In that case--I totally agree with you! Sorry to have misunderstood

No worries at all

 

[SMD]

The police are not hired as babysitters, counsellors or social workers. They are law enforcers.

If they're involved in the community they also help settle disputes before a law is broken. Or they might refer a family to another agency that could help. It's just a phone call to the non-emergency line.

 

[NHdisneylover]

If they're involved in the community they also help settle disputes before a law is broken.

help settle disputes--yes. Chase down errant teens who are not a danger to anyone and just breaking house rules of parents? Not the same thing, IMO.

In fact, I would argue the best police forces are very involved in the community and see themselves as there to protect and lead, not primarily to enforce rules with no thought as to what is going on and punish any and all technical infractions, which certianly means those best forces have a ton of community involvement. What people are talking about in this thread is extending the "enforce rules and punish" beyond even the scope of normal law and into family dynamics---so not a good way to go, nor how most departments wish to spend their time or set themselves up in the community in my experience and opinion.

 

[ReneeA]

Our oldest can be a handful at times. He's basically a good kid and does keep me apprised of where he's going to be, who he's with, when he'll be home, etc. even now that he's a technical adult, but when it comes to school... OMG, I feel like nothing works sometimes. We've turned off his phone (that turned out to be more of a punishment for me than for him!), told him he couldn't take drivers' ed until he got his grades up (he just waited until 18 to try for his license and even then it was at MY insistence because I want him to have some experience behind the wheel before commuting to college), took away his other electronics (no skin off his nose, this is a kid who can entertain himself with a paperclip and some chewing gum, MacGuyver style). You name it, we tried it. He's going to graduate by the skin of his teeth and I won't breathe easy until we have his diploma in hand.

But oddly enough, I'm not too worried about him beyond that. We're fortunate in that sense. A lot of the same things that have gotten in the way in school make him well-suited to the adult path he's planning on pursuing (trade school). It is just the getting him there that is the hard part!

This is my DS to a tee. His grades are poor, and he doesn't care. I have taken everything away, not allowed driver's training until improvement in grades, and he spent every second of last summer in summer school (costing me $1k). No video games, no phone, no fun. He's always been a fun, pleasant, enjoyable kid and our only issue has been grades. Now I feel his losing the "fun, enjoyable" part and wonder if I should let up.

He's told us point blank be won't go to college, and I don't care. Why pay a zillion dollars for him to do the same type of work he does in high school? He wants to go to trade school to learn auto. Auto is the only class in high school He loves. Funny thing is, he's been tested ad nauseam due to these issues, and he tests at near genius levels.

At what point do you day, you know what? You're a good kid who doesn't like school. Get by, barely pass...but pass in order to get a diploma, and let him be His enjoyable happy-go-lucky self.

Tough stuff, OP. I've seen so many families struggle with behavioral issues with kids. They have several kids, parent them all the same, are extremely strict and get a difficult to manage one. It's easy to sit back and judge if you haven't walked the walk.

 

[robinb]

But their brains will not fully develop in the best ways if not used to make decisions---sort of like how a child kept away from all people until age 10 will never have true langauge fluency--using that part of the brain is what develops it.
And just beucase brains are still developing and changing doesn't mean they are incapable of making good decisions and thinking for themselves--throughout most of hte world and most of history older teens and young adults have done that still do that and the vast majority do it quite well------this whole infantilizing young adults based on "the brain is still developing" concept (which I only see on the DIS) is rubbish, IMO (not that you are saying to infaltalize anything---but others do that all.the.time here---as you can see it is a pet peeve of mine lol)

OTOH, one of the things I only see here on the DIS is the expectation that an 18 year old should act just a 40-something poster with enough disposable income to go to WDW would act. Like something magical happens between 17 years, 364 days and 18 years. It doesn't. It's the same kid who is either mature enough to make adult decisions or ... s/he's not. Even though 18 is an adult by law, I see is as more of a guideline. Different people mature at different rates. Me ... I knew *everything* when I was 19, LOL.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OTOH, one of the things I only see here on the DIS is the expectation that an 18 year old should act just a 40-something poster with enough disposable income to go to WDW would act. Like something magical happens between 17 years, 364 days and 18 years. It doesn't. It's the same kid who is either mature enough to make adult decisions or ... s/he's not. Even though 18 is an adult by law, I see is as more of a guideline. Different people mature at different rates. Me ... I knew *everything* when I was 19, LOL.

True---but on the other hand, they'll never really get there, or not without some MAJOR issues, if you don't give them the chance to make their own decisions and mistakes as they grow. Using "they're brains haven't finished forming" as a reason to tell tehm what to major in (or if to go to college) or who to be friends with or what not just strikes me as a disaster in the making (and usually turns out that way when I see it up close)

 

[robinb]

True---but on the other hand, they'll never really get there, or not without some MAJOR issues, if you don't give them the chance to make their own decisions and mistakes as they grow. Using "they're brains haven't finished forming" as a reason to tell tehm what to major in (or if to go to college) or who to be friends with or what not just strikes me as a disaster in the making (and usually turns out that way when I see it up close)

Well, yes. We're in agreement. You have to allow kids to be fledgelings before they can fly. However, I see so many people on the DIS who expect too much from their older teens simply because they are now "adults". Some of the advise I've seen on this thread for instance ... like locking a high school senior out of the house just because he's that magical 18 years old.

I am glad that the OP is sticking with her son and helping him into adulthood.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well, yes. We're in agreement. You have to allow kids to be fledgelings before they can fly. However, I see so many people on the DIS who expect too much from their older teens simply because they are now "adults". Some of the advise I've seen on this thread for instance ... like locking a high school senior out of the house just because he's that magical 18 years old.

I am glad that the OP is sticking with her son and helping him into adulthood.

Oh, I agree locking them out is WAY over the top (unless they truly pose a danger to those in the household).
And it seems ultra weird to me when combined with the not giving them other repsonisbility (ie---kid can't be trusted to decide when he comes home at night, but can handle living on his own with no wanring? Huh?).
I don't see that so much as tough love as -2my way or the highway" wihtout much love or respect towards the teen involved.

 

[Klayfish]

I was a rebellious teen, moved out at 17 and became completely independent from that day forward. Including paying my rent, getting loans for school, etc. Never received help or a dime from my parents or anyone else since then.

Respect goes both ways. Sometimes as parents, we have to give up control and let the "harder" kids live and learn. Step back and let them find their way. And yes, I'm talking from experience from both sides of the coin. Battling with an 18 year old over curfew and crappy grades just doesn't make sense. It will only further agitate the situation.

Yep, the best life lessons I was taught were through my own trial and error. That's not a condemnation of my parents, they tried, but I had to figure it out on my own. Taking away my Atari (hey, it was the bomb back in the day) is a whole different animal than taking away my ability to feed myself. In full disclosure, I knew I wouldn't have literally starved to death when I left home at 19. If push came to shove and I went back home hungry, my parents would have fed me. But at that age and as rebellious as I was I probably would have eaten from a dumpster before I went back home. However, the reality of having to fend for myself to buy something other than Raman noodles was quite the slap in the face.