Parents of Rebellious Teens..How do you handle it?

[NHdisneylover]

This is what I'm wondering about some who are posting - WHEN did your kid turn 18? During HS? Or after HS? And if during HS, WHEN during HS? Before HS? Fall of HS? Winter of HS? Spring of HS? Get my point...

OP has said her son turned 18 this past August - before senior year of HS. Mine turned 18 in early fall of HS. I think that can make a difference in some of the advice given here.

There's no way our 18s were staying out on a Saturday night in HS without telling us, doing who knows what. Why? Because it's disruptive to their school lives and to our household, as well as extremely disrespectful to us and the way we operate our lives. YMMV. IF they were respectful about it, then it's not as much of an issue. But if it means that they're going to be half-dead on Sunday and neglecting their schoolwork, then it does become an issue. They still have to successfully finish HS!

I think there is a LOT of variation here not only with age/stage, but with issues that are unique to each family.

My oldest turned 18 in December of senior year. My youngest will turn 18 this December--also senior year.

Both were treeated as mostly capable and allowed to make their own friends and own choices about staying out so long as we knew where they were and they checked in before turrning 18--I don't think there was ever a "now I am an adult--HA!" moment, becuase they were treated as responsible for years before 18 ever came around.
I fully admit we also got lucky and have not overly rebellious by nature teens too

 

[cabanafrau]

This backfired every time I saw it, and typically left the kid woefully unprepared for college and/or adult life


Then there is your stick -- have you spoken to his coaches? IME, coaches are a wonderful asset for helping a student understand the consequences of these actions, and a nice outside adult perspective who probably really cares about your kid. If he has any hope of playing sports at a college level, then the ability to behave, follow the rules, and keep his partying in check will be critical, and a good coach may be able to help him think through why he should care.

That's something I didn't understand, how can he remain on teams if his academics are shoddy?

 

[cabanafrau]

My oldest turned 18 in December of senior year. My youngest will turn 18 this December--also senior year.

Both were treeated as mostly capable and allowed to make their own friends and own choices about staying out so long as we knew where they were and they checked in before turrning 18--I don't think there was ever a "now I am an adult--HA!" moment, becuase they were treated as responsible for years before 18 ever came around.
I fully admit we also got lucky and have not overly rebellious by nature teens too

I agree, 18 wasn't a HUGE deal with either of ours because we constantly raised them with larger and larger boundaries that they controlled, so by the time it rolled around they really didn't feel it was much of a change from how they had been living. Luckily neither one of ours has been particularly rebellious, although they're both of very different temperaments.

 

[NHdisneylover]

That's something I didn't understand, how can he remain on teams if his academics are shoddy?

I had the same question. I am wondering if shoddy grades to the OP means Cs and Bs instead of mostly As?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My oldest turned 18 in December of senior year. My youngest will turn 18 this December--also senior year.

The kids have their issues, like all do, but niether tends to stay out late often or even go out all that often in highschool (I hoenstly worried and do worry about THAT---not getting out enough, funny how there is ALWAYS something a parent worries about lol). That said, neither has ever had a curfew---but both have been expected to check in periodically. Oldest was always great about that. Youngest would occasionally get annoyed (by US standards I am lax, but by German standards i am a helicopter and his friends do not have to check in). He clamed down fairly quickly though---partly becuase I explained it is not that I do not trust him, it is that I worry, as both kids know all too well, and I sleep better if people check in--including DH on bussiness trips. Likewise, I check in when out past normal times.

Neither has ever pusehd much at all---ir stayed out all night without telling us where they were going, etc-----but then both have been allowed to choose their own friends, and not had curfews--just let us know what is going on and check in.

I don't think we ever had a curfew, either, as our kids were able to self-regulate (thankfully). Both worked weekends and DS had weekend games he had to be up for, so those were motivation enough. But it wouldn't have flown well if one of them decided to stay out all night without telling us, even at 18. I mentioned above, they'd be half-dead on Sunday, but we would, too, and it would no doubt reverberate well into our work week. That's not how a household operates smoothly in our world.

I mentioned above I was living on my own at 18. It wasn't exactly by choice. For me, it was for necessity. My household at that time wasn't a good place to be. DH and I have worked hard to make our home a good place to be. We all have a mutual respect about things. Is it always perfect? No. But it's pretty good. We've spent, from day one, talking to our kids about this, and thankfully, most of the time, they get it. With privilege comes responsibility.

One thing that was really interesting was when we were looking at some public colleges and there were "panels" of students explaining their backgrounds, etc. There were students there from all walks of life, and countries, you name it, and they were successfully navigating school. Yet lots of kids in our community weren't. They were failing classes and looking at dropping out, partying heartily, etc. That made a big impression on the kids we were with who saw these students. Like, what's up with our kids?

Freedoms at 18 are all fine and good. And some are comfortable letting their kids have natural consequences and all that, which is fine. Especially when your kid is doing well. It's when your kid isn't doing so well that you wonder if this is the best way...

 

[Pea-n-Me]

That's something I didn't understand, how can he remain on teams if his academics are shoddy?

At our HS last year, every one of the sports teams as a whole achieved some level of academic excellence.

If a kid's grades didn't hold up, they were cut.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't think we ever had a curfew, either, as our kids were able to self-regulate (thankfully). Both worked weekends and DS had weekend games he had to be up for, so those were motivation enough. But it wouldn't have flown well if one of them decided to stay out all night without telling us, even at 18. I mentioned above, they'd be half-dead on Sunday, but we would, too, and it would no doubt reverberate well into our work week. That's not how a household operates smoothly in our world.

I mentioned above I was living on my own at 18. It wasn't exactly by choice. For me, it was for necessity. My household at that time wasn't a good place to be. DH and I have worked hard to make our home a good place to be. We all have a mutual respect about things. Is it always perfect? No. But it's pretty good. We've spent, from day one, talking to our kids about this, and thankfully, most of the time, they get it. With privilege comes responsibility.

One thing that was really interesting was when we were looking at some public colleges and there were "panels" of students explaining their backgrounds, etc. There were students there from all walks of life, and countries, you name it, and they were successfully navigating school. Yet lots of kids in our community weren't. They were failing classes and looking at dropping out, partying heartily, etc. That made a big impression on the kids we were with who saw these students. Like, what's up with our kids?

Freedoms at 18 are all fine and good. And some are comfortable letting their kids have natural consequences and all that, which is fine. Especially when your kid is doing well. It's when your kid isn't doing so well that you wonder if this is the best way...

staying out all night without telling us would not go over with us either---but I think knowing that chekcing in and letting us know where they are is all that is needed makes it "easy" for them t olet us know---if the teen knows they HAVE to be home at an arbitrary time no matter what is going on that is safe/reaosnable/funb---they are more likely to not call and and just avoid being told no and stay out anyway, IME (with friends who had curfews versus me not, etc)

 

[Pea-n-Me]

staying out all night without telling us would not go over with us either---but I think knowing that chekcing in and letting us know where they are is all that is needed makes it "easy" for them t olet us know---if the teen knows they HAVE to be home at an arbitrary time no matter what is going on that is safe/reaosnable/funb---they are more likely to not call and and just avoid being told no and stay out anyway, IME (with friends who had curfews versus me not, etc)

Ok. Just curious, does it matter to you where your kid is and what he's doing? Because in our neck of the woods (myself and OP), it's usually partying. And partying hard! Does that make a difference to you? What about other posters?

 

[Aliceacc]

I'm a total wimp, I admit it.

But I would not be able to call the police and have my son spend a night in jail for taking my car. I don't care whether it's legally stealing or not, I would know that he had every intent of returning it and that, in his mind, it was "borrowing" and not "stealing." If it was the neighbor's car, it would be stealing. In my house, it's a different matter. They don't have carte blanche, but using the family car isn't remotely close to grand theft auto.

I would not have the heart to put any of my kids out on the street. Even if all the opinions on this thread demand "tough love," I would err on the side of "love" and come up short on the "tough."

Sure, I could take away the phone, the keys, all the luxuries. I could put him in rehab if, God forbid, it were necessary. But I could not sleep in night if I took some of the advice on this thread.

OP, your son needs a high school diploma. Do what's within your reasonable power to ensure that he gets one-- that he attends school every day, that he completes at least the minimum requirements for a diploma. Whether or not college is on the horizon, now or in the future, isn't as big a deal. A high school diploma is. If he's still on teams, great. Those sports can act as the hook to keep him attending school.

I disagree, strongly, that public schools are the root of all evil. Our kids can't learn good decision making at the stroke of midnight when they turn 18. It's a skill and like any other skill, it needs to be practiced. And the line implying that public school teachers aren't a good influence is wildly insulting to all public school teachers. Hiding our kids away, wrapping them in bubble wrap is not parenting.

It's easy to diagnose the cure for someone else's kid. But I know with absolute certainty that I could never do these things to my own child. Call me an enabler if you want, but I know in my heart that I would be incapable of some of this advice. On paper, with someone else's kid?? Sure. But in real life, with one of my own children? Not a chance.

I stand by my earlier advice. You and your husband need to see a family counselor with or without your son. Let someone who knows what's likely to work, a professional who deals with families in crisis every day, give you solid advice.

 

[nancygirl1]

This is what I'm wondering about some who are posting - WHEN did your kid turn 18? During HS? Or after HS? And if during HS, WHEN during HS? Before HS? Fall of HS? Winter of HS? Spring of HS? Get my point...

OP has said her son turned 18 this past August - before senior year of HS. Mine turned 18 in early fall of HS. I think that can make a difference in some of the advice given here.

There's no way our 18s were staying out on a Saturday night in HS without telling us, doing who knows what. Why? Because it's disruptive to their school lives and to our household, as well as extremely disrespectful to us and the way we operate our lives. YMMV. IF they were respectful about it, then it's not as much of an issue. But if it means that they're going to be half-dead on Sunday and neglecting their schoolwork, then it does become an issue. They still have to successfully finish HS!

I think there is a LOT of variation here not only with age/stage, but with issues that are unique to each family.

That's very true. I was basing my answer off of the place in life my sons were at 18. They had graduated from HS already and were heading off to college at 17. They turned 18 when they were college freshmen. You're right...still in HS is a different set of circumstances. But, I'm still thinking that letting go of some of the control might help. He sounds basically like a good kid. They need to find out what makes him tick and use that. For some kids punishment/taking things away makes no difference. That's obviously what's going on here.

 

[Luvstotravel]

If you keep your kids close and watch their exposure to outside influences that are negative, it shouldn't be an issue. I think public schools are a HUGE cause of immaturity and rebelliousness. Your children are around kids you'd never want your child being influenced by [not to mention teachers influencing kids and they're a stranger to you! who knows what they're telling your kid] and you can't protect them because they're at school and you don't know what's going on. The same thing can happen in church youth groups as well. Stick to situations that are whole family activities with other families, rather than the kids being sent one way and parents sent another way.

I could not disagree more.

 

[jevs]

The worst advise in this thread is reporting the car stolen. Not only will it waste police time it will do nothing for police and community engagement. Furthermore a criminal record will have ramifications years down the track (especially if your son wants to travel).

 

[SMD]

I don't think anyone is telling the OP to call 911 and say, "My car was stolen!" Call the non-emergency line, explain that an 18 year old high school student who didn't have permission to drive your car has the car, or whatever the specifics of the situation are, and see what they can do to help. The police do more than driving around looking for reasons to arrest people.

 

[mom2rtk]

If you keep your kids close and watch their exposure to outside influences that are negative, it shouldn't be an issue. I think public schools are a HUGE cause of immaturity and rebelliousness. Your children are around kids you'd never want your child being influenced by [not to mention teachers influencing kids and they're a stranger to you! who knows what they're telling your kid] and you can't protect them because they're at school and you don't know what's going on. The same thing can happen in church youth groups as well. Stick to situations that are whole family activities with other families, rather than the kids being sent one way and parents sent another way.

You can't shelter them forever. To teach them to navigate the world, you are going to have to expose them to the world.

 

[luvsJack]

This is what I'm wondering about some who are posting - WHEN did your kid turn 18? During HS? Or after HS? And if during HS, WHEN during HS? Before HS? Fall of HS? Winter of HS? Spring of HS? Get my point...

OP has said her son turned 18 this past August - before senior year of HS. Mine turned 18 in early fall of HS. I think that can make a difference in some of the advice given here.

There's no way our 18s were staying out on a Saturday night in HS without telling us, doing who knows what. Why? Because it's disruptive to their school lives and to our household, as well as extremely disrespectful to us and the way we operate our lives. YMMV. IF they were respectful about it, then it's not as much of an issue. But if it means that they're going to be half-dead on Sunday and neglecting their schoolwork, then it does become an issue. They still have to successfully finish HS!

I think there is a LOT of variation here not only with age/stage, but with issues that are unique to each family.

Oldest ds turned 18 midway of Senior year. Younger ds and dd turned 18 the summer after.

Younger ds began his rebellion well before 18. And we started negotiating things like curfew well before that.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Um NHdisneylover can I get an amen here!

QUIT comparing him to his sisters. They are, obviously, very different, and probably need parented differently, and it must be hard on him to feel like he can never live up to the ideal of his golden sisters--so he might as well quit trying altogether. Just the number of times you have made the comparison in this thread alone make me think you are probably unconsciously sending your son the message that his sisters are a perfect ideal and he a let down on a regular basis. I doubt you feel that or mean to send that message, but it seems to be there.

Yup it becomes really difficult for a person regardless of age to be compared to others. Even subconsciously the OP could be placing the two daughters on a higher ground than the son. Granted the son may be def a handful (and is doing disrespectful things) but part of that might be a direct result of trying to stand out amongst his siblings and it could be that the son feels like his sisters could do no wrong when all he seems to do is wrong (of course just throwing it out there doesn't make it true).

Choose your battles wisely and then stick to them. Honestly, if you don't care how late the kids are out, only that you know where they are, then why did you set an 11:30 curfew? And, well, truthfully 18 year olds are normally allowed to spend the night with a friend--at least they were when I was a teen and the kids here that DS is friends with are. Unelss there is a specific reason not to allow it (the situation is dangerous---not just you do not like said friend, etc) then why choose to struggle for control with an 18 year old over it?

Absolutely this. Regardless of age it's confusing when a parent has established rules for a long time but then suddenly changes it up because you toed over the line (established rules for the most part should stay established, punishment should generally follow established rules too (do something wrong=don't stay out late..but wait generally we don't care what time you come in..but now we do because you did something wrong--it's just a confusing thing).

Personally I think this backfires on parents and is horrible for the kids. Instead of the kids growing up confident in their own abilities to judge people and situations and handle things, and getting ever more practice in so doing---kids who are super sheltered by parents are taught not to trust their own instincts and to beleive they are not capable of making good decisions---which makes them easy bait for predators who look for kids who lack confidence in themselves to manipulate.
and if that never happens, you still end up with an older teen or young 20 something who lacks any experience to fall back on when they at last must adventure out into the real world, and VERY often those are the kids who struggle the most and make the most bad choices---allowing chidlren to make choices themselves and handle things themselves when young allows them to fail, and learn form failure, while the stakes are relatively low. Forcing them to wait to try anything until they are 19 or 20 or whatnot only means the stakes are so much higher when they make those inevitable failures.

Unfortunately my mother-in-law openly admits she gave up on her third child and that she had no energy to try and parent better (she was 43 when she had her 3rd child). It shows completely. 3rd child will be 19 in Feb and lacks the most basic understanding of living out in the real world..."oh you mean I can't just break my lease and be $3,500 in debt...wait what is debt??..I want to go to beauty school it's only $20,000 for a year (she has absolutely no concept of $$), ummm we (her husband who is just about to turn 21 and her) don't have any money for food mom, dad can I borrow some..ugh this job makes me stand for hours it hurts my back [which is what she said when she worked at Arby's when she was 17'] (and her mom said-"ok honey you can quit that job if you want"). Honest talks and real world lessons would have done so well. Because she knows mom, dad will be there for her to fall back on for everything she doesn't know how to truly stand on her own two feet. It's in my honest opinion that she doesn't even know who she really is but more or less mimics people around her because she wasn't able to experience things enough-her parents didn't want her to have to deal with bad things and thus protected her at all costs.

There is a reason why so many people talk about millennials in such a negative way--a child is def. their own person and may "turn out" so to speak different than the parents had parented but they also can turn out a certain way as a direct result of parenting.


______
BTW none of my comments were meant to chastise the OP really but I've lived through some things above and seen plenty going on with my husband's family-No matter what being a parent is hard but being a child of a parent is hard too.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This is what we did when our kids were that age... How about if you make less of a big deal about him staying overnight somewhere? That would take away one of the things he probably thinks he has power over you with. Instead just tell him that it's common courtesy to let you guys know whether or not he's coming home. You'd appreciate a text if he's going to stay out.

Obviously you've figured out that what you're doing isn't working. We found the less ammunition we gave them the better off we were. It wasn't a battle we wanted to fight because we knew it would make some things worse. Eighteen is a tricky age. They think they're adults when in fact they still have that teenage brain.

Though to be fair psychologically speaking a brain isn't fully developed until around mid-20s and quite possibly not even until 30s (as far as the general consensus nowadays)...18 is a legal age governed by society..an 18 year old is considered an adult (so it's not really that they think they are an adult, society tells them they are an adult with many freedoms and a few exceptions due to their age)..an adult is also a person who is in their mid-20s..and so is a 30ish old though their brains may not be fully developed.

 

[Klayfish]

After going through my own very rebellious years when I was a teen and now having three kids of my own, one thing I have learned is that there is no one "right" way to raise/teach/discipline a child. So many different ideas and thoughts here, which is great discussion. But what may work like a charm for one would be total disaster for another. My three kids are each different in their own right, and while we're consistent as we can be, what works for one won't work for the other so there is some custom tailoring. And as I've said, sometimes NOTHING will "work" for a child if the child doesn't want it to.

Love you child, be their parent (which is different than being their friend) to the very best of your ability, have faith in them and much of the rest of it is in their hands.

 

[piccolopat]

It is NEVER too late. I will never give up on my kids. I also won't enable them either. That s why we battle.

As for the insurance...cancelled it over the summer...just added him back on and after this weekend will be taking him off. Next time he has to pay for it.

Cell phone..I did cancel it. He has a prepaid phone he bought on his own.

School tomorrow? Not sure...probably will go. He likes seeing his friends...that's why he will go. That is one thing he is good about....doesn't skip out on school. Doesn't do much while he is there, but he is there.

If you own the car, don't remove him from your policy. If he takes the car anyway and has an accident, you will have liability as the owner.

 

[Neesy228]

I admittedly have not read every post in this thread...but I will say that I'm super glad I didn't grow up with some of the PP's for parents. Yikes. I didn't do well with totalitarian parenting when I was a teenager.

OP, I just wanted to tell you that I feel for you. I can tell your struggling to reach him and wanting the best for him. Sometimes, at this age, suggesting/forcing counseling just pushes them farther away because they feel like you're trying to "fix" them instead of find peace as a family. Sometimes, it's as simple as making sure they feel heard and respected too. Sometimes it takes time and lots of birthdays!

As a PP suggested, and if you feel comfortable with it, counseling for you and your DH may help you address some of the issues you're struggling with as parents. It's not for everyone though.

Isn't it amazing how different our kids are from each other? I have three very different personalities in my children as well and it boggles my mind. Hang in there.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Mine are all adults now (in their 30s). When I started to see problems with my oldest son, I took steps to reconnect with him (and pre-emptively with my younger kids too). I would take him out for a meal/snack once a week, just the two of us, and maybe go for a drive (somehow teens often talk more easily when you are driving side-by-side rather than face to face across a table) or a walk. And listen, listen, listen. I didn't use this time to lecture or criticize, I used it to ask him about what he was interested in, concerned about, doing in his life, etc. I also made a point of giving him extra affection - a hug, a quick shoulder-rub, a pat on the back - as often as I could. It made such a difference. As we reconnected, he was more open to hearing about things that were bothering or concerning me, and I gained a much better understanding of what was going on in his life. We never really got to the same place with the other three because I kept these one-on-one sessions going with them. It's all about the connection.