Parents of Rebellious Teens..How do you handle it?

[HeatherC]

It is NEVER too late. I will never give up on my kids. I also won't enable them either. That s why we battle.

As for the insurance...cancelled it over the summer...just added him back on and after this weekend will be taking him off. Next time he has to pay for it.

Cell phone..I did cancel it. He has a prepaid phone he bought on his own.

School tomorrow? Not sure...probably will go. He likes seeing his friends...that's why he will go. That is one thing he is good about....doesn't skip out on school. Doesn't do much while he is there, but he is there.

 

[HeatherC]

Really didn't post to hear what I should be doing. Was hoping to hear from some other parents who are also having a tough time of it and doing their best. And like I said, unless it is happening to you, it is easy to have all the answers.

 

[jdb in AZ]

OP, sorry to hear what you're going through. We had to send a teen to "rehab high" or he never would've graduated. During family counseling we were told the problem was negative peer pressure. He was popular and got along with the good kids as well as the losers, but preferred the losers.

We took away so many privileges -- when he couldn't use our phone he just went across the street and used the neighbor's. Seemed like every time we tried to be strict with him, he just rebelled more. He didn't get his driver's license until he was 18.

We were advised he needed to be given some responsibility. When he married his pregnant girl friend, he had plenty of responsibility, and for awhile it seemed to help. Then he decided to keep doing what he wanted, when he wanted.

Hope your teen sees the light, sooner rather than later. We're still waiting, and the light at the end of the tunnel keeps turning into an oncoming train.

It's been said that it's easier to watch a child starve to death than it is to see them turn away from the family values you've instilled in him.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

When I first saw this, my first thought was that all teens rebel in some way. What varies is the how and to what degree.

Mine don't get into a lot of classic trouble but they gave us plenty of headaches this past year in their own way. And yes, it did occur to me - and my friends with kids the same age concurred - that it probably is Mother Nature's Way of getting us prepared for them leaving the nest.

My two turned 18 a year ago. I struggled with this "18" thing much of the year, too - especially at the beginning (while they were HS seniors; they are now in college). You hear a lot, "Well, they're 18, so there's nothing you can do". I don't believe that - unless they're on their own. I myself actually was living independently at 18, and told my kids more than once they were welcome to do the same, but if they stayed, they knew the expectations. It wasn't going to be a free-for-all in our household.

Bottom line, if you're providing for them and they disrespect that, then you don't have to just let it go because they're 18. Take the privileges you've given them back or better yet, let them go solo so they can see how fortunate they are to have what they have, with kind, reasonable parents.

 

[Tiggerish]

I do not have any solution for you just a hug [[]].

 

[Minnesota!]

No answers...just sympathize. My parents went thru it with my brother...it is hell.

 

[lifesavacation]

That last year before they graduate can be tough. It sounds like you've taken away a lot of things that usually work. I would probably meet with his coaches and get their support with some consequences. We once pulled my son out of varsity baseball because his grades dropped. We got him a tutor and it took him about 2 weeks to get himself back on track. His coaches were surprisingly supportive and talked to him as well. It only took that one time and DS knew we were serious.

 

[powellrj]

I saw tee shirts last weekend that I swear I am getting my kids for Christmas.

Oldest child made the rules

Middle child the reason the rules were made

Youngest child never needed the rules

That pretty much sums up our house.

Oldest child was a handful, had to take summer school to graduate. Got kicked out of community college for not attending class. Let me tell you, the army really straightened him out, although he paid a high price because he was injured and still has lasting health effects, BUT, he is married and raising his DSILs kids and will graduate from college this spring. Total turn around.

Middle child was a great kid until senior year and then he became a handful. I use to say the dean of boys was my best friend that year because we talked daily. He carried this behavior to college where he still was a handful, but he did manage to graduate. He is still living at home, but he is really matured over the past few years, but he still has a ways to go.

Youngest DD my mom use to tell me after the boys she was the child I deserved to have. She was valedictorian, got into the school she wanted to with great scholarships, is an RA and has a great job and makes the deans list. The point is, don't give up hope!

 

[mom2rtk]

When I first saw this, my first thought was that all teens rebel in some way. What varies is the how and to what degree.

Mine don't get into a lot of classic trouble but they gave us plenty of headaches this past year in their own way. And yes, it did occur to me - and my friends with kids the same age concurred - that it probably is Mother Nature's Way of getting us prepared for them leaving the nest.

My two turned 18 a year ago. I struggled with this "18" thing much of the year, too - especially at the beginning (while they were HS seniors; they are now in college). You hear a lot, "Well, they're 18, so there's nothing you can do". I don't believe that - unless they're on their own. I myself actually was living independently at 18, and told my kids more than once they were welcome to do the same, but if they stayed, they knew the expectations. It wasn't going to be a free-for-all in our household.

Bottom line, if you're providing for them and they disrespect that, then you don't have to just let it go because they're 18. Take the privileges you've given them back or better yet, let them go solo so they can see how fortunate they are to have what they have, with kind, reasonable parents.

I've never been a big believer in 18 being some magical age where parents lost control either. Perhaps medically and legally, but in terms of day to day life practicalities? No. I just told my kids that 18 was the age at which parents could choose whether to continue to support them and were no longer obligated. It's more of a parental freedom day than a childhood independence day.

In reality, as long as parents are still providing for their kids, they still have some cards to play.

OP, I feel for you. I hope things settle down soon for you, but I have a hunch your son thinks you need a few more gray hairs first. Isn't it remarkable how different they can be?

 

[muffyn]

Really didn't post to hear what I should be doing. Was hoping to hear from some other parents who are also having a tough time of it and doing their best. And like I said, unless it is happening to you, it is easy to have all the answers.

are here ANY support groups in your area? there has to be some place you can get some kind of help for YOURSELF to get through this. check out the newspaper, call the social services dept in the community, call some churches.

did you try the guidance counselors? does he have any teachers he liked?

 

[disney4us2002]

I saw tee shirts last weekend that I swear I am getting my kids for Christmas.

Oldest child made the rules

Middle child the reason the rules were made

Youngest child never needed the rules

Hmm, the ones I've seen and which fit my three sooooo much better is

Oldest child made the rules.

Middle child was why we needed rules.

Youngest child doesn't believe rules apply to him!

Amen. Our first two were not terrible but sometimes disrespectful and caught in lies. Youngest is a whole other ball of wax. If he survives without killing us or us killing him, then we will have achieved success. The bar is not set very high at this point. Prayer is my friend.

 

[Aliceacc]

Knock wood, the only drama we've had up to this point is minor day to day stuff.

But I would caution you on cancelling the car insurance. Yes, take away the keys. But if he's an uninsured driver, he could leave someone injured with no recourse-- and of course end up in jail himself. He doesn't have to know he's on your policy.

I honestly have no real advice for you. And of course you're right: It's always easy to have the answers from the safety of a computer. it's a lot harder to have those answers when you're in the thick of a crisis, and this is your family you're dealing with.

The suggestion of contacting the guidance counselor-- or better yet, a licensed family counselor-- is probably the best one. Speak to a professional who has dealt with families in this sort of crisis before. He or she can advise you on what's likely to work, and on how to get through this while keeping all of your kids and your marriage in the big picture.

 

[HeatherC]

Thank you all! Truly! I very much appreciate all your kind words. We are honestly trying our very best.

We have done the counseling...going to try and get him to do that again, are in touch with his teachers and school administrators....they have been supportive and love him...he is charming after all, just rebels at home.

We are keeping him on the insurance but telling him it is cancelled till he pays the bill. I would never be able to live with myself if he drove without insurance and something happened. We did cancel it over the summer because we took the car off the road.

Last night he stayed at a friends house. He did text he was sorry...again and would come home after school today. We will see. I constantly tell him we love him but that there are still consequences to his actions. I did tell him last night that we certainly don't want him living on the street and that he has a bed here...but the other stuff he will have to earn back....car, freedom, phone, etc..

So that's where we stand today. Will keep on trying...all we can do.

I very much appreciate all your kind words.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Thank you all! Truly! I very much appreciate all your kind words. We are honestly trying our very best.

We have done the counseling...going to try and get him to do that again, are in touch with his teachers and school administrators....they have been supportive and love him...he is charming after all, just rebels at home.

We are keeping him on the insurance but telling him it is cancelled till he pays the bill. I would never be able to live with myself if he drove without insurance and something happened. We did cancel it over the summer because we took the car off the road.

Last night he stayed at a friends house. He did text he was sorry...again and would come home after school today. We will see. I constantly tell him we love him but that there are still consequences to his actions. I did tell him last night that we certainly don't want him living on the street and that he has a bed here...but the other stuff he will have to earn back....car, freedom, phone, etc..

So that's where we stand today. Will keep on trying...all we can do.

I very much appreciate all your kind words.

I can't really relate beucase while we did have serious challenges from one teen, it was not really in the rebelliousness category. But I can offer hugs and will offer a bit of advice as someone who has worked with a lot of teens as a teacher and as a scout leader---take if you like and if not, that's Ok too.

You mention here trying to get him to do counseling again. I would suggest (and think the PP might have been suggesting) counseling for you and your DH (and if the son will come along for family counseling great, but if not that is OK too). You might get some good perspectives on what is going on and how to handle it better from an outside expert---it can be so hard to see the forest through the trees when in the thick of a stressful situation with a family member.

Other things I notice:
QUIT comparing him to his sisters. They are, obviously, very different, and probably need parented differently, and it must be hard on him to feel like he can never live up to the ideal of his golden sisters--so he might as well quit trying altogether. Just the number of times you have made the comparison in this thread alone make me think you are probably unconsciously sending your son the message that his sisters are a perfect ideal and he a let down on a regular basis. I doubt you feel that or mean to send that message, but it seems to be there.

Choose your battles wisely and then stick to them. Honestly, if you don't care how late the kids are out, only that you know where they are, then why did you set an 11:30 curfew? And, well, truthfully 18 year olds are normally allowed to spend the night with a friend--at least they were when I was a teen and the kids here that DS is friends with are. Unelss there is a specific reason not to allow it (the situation is dangerous---not just you do not like said friend, etc) then why choose to struggle for control with an 18 year old over it?
If it were me, I think I would work on trying hard not to control but to just have mutual respect going on with a kid that age (ie---tell him you worry and just need, for your own ability to sleep, to have him text when he goes form place to place so you know he is ok, bu don't tell him he cannot go out with friends unless it is beucase he refuses to text and check in every couple of hours and you cannot sleep, and hten make it clear it is his refusal to give that ltitle bit to help you relax that is the issue--or let him know you will not pay for college until he can show he can keep his grades reasonable, and offer to help him organize or get him a tutor if needed and then back off and let him handle school, etc).
I know all of that is so much easier said than done--but in all honesty almost all the kids i have seen who are really rebellious or end up doing really dangerous things had parents who controlled a LOT and the kids seemed to overreact the other way (not every kid does, but the ones who are wired that was anyway, really can go off a deep end when it is an all or nothing situation--much more so than ones given more freedom).

As far as the car and the job--can he bike or walk or take some sort of public transit to work? How far is it?

 

[NHdisneylover]

If you keep your kids close and watch their exposure to outside influences that are negative, it shouldn't be an issue. I think public schools are a HUGE cause of immaturity and rebelliousness. Your children are around kids you'd never want your child being influenced by [not to mention teachers influencing kids and they're a stranger to you! who knows what they're telling your kid] and you can't protect them because they're at school and you don't know what's going on. The same thing can happen in church youth groups as well. Stick to situations that are whole family activities with other families, rather than the kids being sent one way and parents sent another way.

Personally I think this backfires on parents and is horrible for the kids. Instead of the kids growing up confident in their own abilities to judge people and situations and handle things, and getting ever more practice in so doing---kids who are super sheltered by parents are taught not to trust their own instincts and to beleive they are not capable of making good decisions---which makes them easy bait for predators who look for kids who lack confidence in themselves to manipulate.
and if that never happens, you still end up with an older teen or young 20 something who lacks any experience to fall back on when they at last must adventure out into the real world, and VERY often those are the kids who struggle the most and make the most bad choices---allowing chidlren to make choices themselves and handle things themselves when young allows them to fail, and learn form failure, while the stakes are relatively low. Forcing them to wait to try anything until they are 19 or 20 or whatnot only means the stakes are so much higher when they make those inevitable failures.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

He turned 18 in Aigust so other than sticking to our rules, there is not much we can do at this point.

This is part of the issue. If you believe this is accurate he will live like this is accurate. Does he live at home still? Do you pay for his food, clothes, deodorant, cell phone, car etc? It's not about when one turns 18 or not, it's about when they start living life as an adult. Until they move out, they live by your rules no matter how old they are. At 18 if he chose to move out right now and live on his own - there's nothing you can do about that. The rest you absolutely can control.

Lay down the law and you do that by taking away things he "needs". Take away the car, if you still want him to have a phone for safety or convenience then turn off texting on his phone(kids DESPISE actually having to call people at least mine do! lol) or take the phone away if you are ok with that. What other conveniences do you provide that you can stop providing hi? Favorite snacks? Money for school events? Gas? I am sure you can figure out where to hit hm the hardest then do it. Giving him a curfew is never going to work again unless you prove a very painful point.

If you want to be respected and he's not giving it freely right now then demand it in ways that are uncomfortable and inconvenient for him.

ETA: - No need to explain he's a "good kid" - most of them are It's just a really tough age where MANY kids struggle with wanting more responsibility and freedom and they resent rules parents still have in place etc. This is normal and not an indication that your kid is bad or you're a crap parent.

 

[Klayfish]

I'm not quite there yet, my oldest is 12 and my twins are 9. I will say my wife and I are pretty strict and while we have never believed in spanking or any physical contact, we are not shy to yell at them and/or take things from them. We've set that tone at an early age. We've also told our kids from early on, and I repeatedly tell my 12 year old, that while we can't make his choices for him and we will always love and support him, his choices will have their own consequences.

I know that doesn't really help you, OP, so the best help I can offer is from the other side of your issue. It's going back 25+ years, but that teenager you describe was me...pretty much exactly. This was in the days before internet and texting, so I couldn't text my parents. However, I was Mr. Rebel and my sister (3 years older) was polar opposite. I had no respect for what my parents told me, no respect for school (nearly failed out), was a wild partier, came home when I wanted...if at all. My parents tried everything. Pretty much all the stuff listed here in this thread. While I know they were trying, I just didn't care. I was going to do my own thing, like it or not. It finally got to the point where my parents basically kicked me out of the house when I was 19. Quit my Pizza Hut job, quit community college and moved in with friends in a bad section of downtown Philly. Best thing that ever happened to me. I was forced to find my own way at that point. If I wanted to eat, I had to get a job. If I wanted clothes, I had to get a job. I wound up putting myself through college and learned a ton of valuable life lessons. It set the tone for the next 25+ years of my life.

I'm not saying you need to kick him out, every family has different dynamics. I guess my point is that while I couldn't agree more that you NEVER stop loving them and NEVER stop trying, to some degree you need to understand that only they can make their own choices. Only they can do what's right for them. Love him and always support him, which includes putting your foot down in a very clear manner. At the same time, understand that no matter what you say or do, at the end of the day, he will be the one to decide what is next and you can't stop it or control it. Nothing wrong with talking to him about that. I tell my kids all the time. I tell them that I fully recognize that my wife and I can't actually stop them from making their own choices. However, we CAN control what consequences those choices have, both for good behavior and bad behavior. As they get older, others will control what consequence those choices have (their football/lacrosse coaches, their bosses when the get jobs, etc...). Much of life is about the choices we make, and we alone are the ones who can make those choices.

 

[sk!mom]

Man, nobody told us parenting was going to be this hard!

I would encourage counseling as others have, If your son will go, then family counseling as well as individual. If he will not, then counseling for you and your DH. Good luck as you struggle through.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Thank you all! Truly! I very much appreciate all your kind words. We are honestly trying our very best.

We have done the counseling...going to try and get him to do that again, are in touch with his teachers and school administrators....they have been supportive and love him...he is charming after all, just rebels at home.

We are keeping him on the insurance but telling him it is cancelled till he pays the bill. I would never be able to live with myself if he drove without insurance and something happened. We did cancel it over the summer because we took the car off the road.

Last night he stayed at a friends house. He did text he was sorry...again and would come home after school today. We will see. I constantly tell him we love him but that there are still consequences to his actions. I did tell him last night that we certainly don't want him living on the street and that he has a bed here...but the other stuff he will have to earn back....car, freedom, phone, etc..

So that's where we stand today. Will keep on trying...all we can do.

I very much appreciate all your kind words.

Just keep being tough! Stand your ground and don't give in. I am sure he is sorry. Most of them are after they calm down and have time to think. Also I am sure peer pressure is a huge factor here...... His friends with more lenient parents are probably yammering in his ear telling him that you treat him like a baby etc. We had that issue with my DD for a bit but thankfully she's not friends with that one child any longer. Her former friend had NO RULES. Literally none. Did no chores, had no curfew, didn't have to tell her parents where she was going, didn't have to check in. Her parents are drunk most of the day and really just don't parent at all....

If he loses his job because of this that is on him and his choices not on you so don't feel guilty if that happens! He won't be able to pay for that prepaid phone after awhile. Let it play out before you give in. The point has to be made first and in a painful way, otherwise if you start giving back he will just go back to being disrespectful.

Just keep reminding yourself that it's a phase! LOL

 

[Dawnlight]

OP, I'm sorry you're struggling with your teen. I'm in the thick of it, too, with 2 of my teens. Wishing an easier road for both of us and our kids!