Obituary asking for money....for GRANDKIDS UPDATE POST 148

[jen0610]

I can see if a parent leaves behind young children and the family wants to set up a fund but not for grandkids. The only exception would be if the deceased were raising a grandchild.

I have seen 4 people we know have this in their obit.

2 were raising their grandkids, while getting no support - federal or from mom/dad - and their illness ate up a lot of their savings.

The other 2 were younger parents who passed before they could really build anything up. Instead of money being spent on plants and flowers, they asked for that money to be put into an account for the kids education.

In all four cases, we were more than happy to honor one of their final wishes.

 

[GusGus77]

I have seen 4 people we know have this in their obit.

2 were raising their grandkids, while getting no support - federal or from mom/dad - and their illness ate up a lot of their savings.

The other 2 were younger parents who passed before they could really build anything up. Instead of money being spent on plants and flowers, they asked for that money to be put into an account for the kids education.

In all four cases, we were more than happy to honor one of their final wishes.

That makes sense to me because the person who died was directly responsible for the financial well being of the surviving minors. I believe this is completely acceptable. This does not seem to be the case the op was inquiring about, however.

 

[jrmasm]

I have seen 4 people we know have this in their obit.

2 were raising their grandkids, while getting no support - federal or from mom/dad - and their illness ate up a lot of their savings.

The other 2 were younger parents who passed before they could really build anything up. Instead of money being spent on plants and flowers, they asked for that money to be put into an account for the kids education.

In all four cases, we were more than happy to honor one of their final wishes.

I suspect most people would view these situations differently than then the obit the op.

 

[dakcp2001]

NO, this is not the new normal. Yikes.

 

[cornflake]

Not a one. When I give money in such cases, I give because I believe in whatever the cause is.

Honestly, has nobody ever given money at a funeral or wake? Hell, there are boxes set up at most wakes I go to for this. When my dad died, my mom received a lot of money from people. I am not sure what she did with it...probably helped pay off the house. A friend's girlfriend just died and he took all the money he received at the funeral and bought masses in her name for the next year or so.

It's just normal, for the people I know, to bring a card with money in it, to a wake/funeral. You put it in a box and the family does with it what they wish.

I am going to the wake tomorrow of my mom's boyfriends' mother...I will be putting $20 in that card, too..

Regional?

Never given money at a funeral or wake (and in these threads I'm usually in the the 'was taught to always tip housekeeping/the movers/etc.,' camp, so I don't think it's any reluctance to give money thing), never been given money, never had anyone in the family been given money, even at the very, very crowded funerals, never heard of this practice.

I agree there's a big difference between like, 'donate so the family can HAVE a funeral' in a seriously impoverised or catastrophic situation, and 'an education fund has been set up for the children whose parents were eaten by cougars' situations and 'Bob died, give money to his grandkids, who have parents, at this address.'

I find the latter very odd and would find it offputting.

The 'in lieu of flowers' to me is different. Flowers are something sent to the family as a small memorial token. A donation to a charity in the deceased's name, in lieu of that expenditure, serves the same purpose. Giving money to his grandkids just... doesn't, to me. I can sort of see the argument but I just don't think it's the same really.

 

[dakcp2001]

Not a one. When I give money in such cases, I give because I believe in whatever the cause is.

Honestly, has nobody ever given money at a funeral or wake? Hell, there are boxes set up at most wakes I go to for this. When my dad died, my mom received a lot of money from people. I am not sure what she did with it...probably helped pay off the house. A friend's girlfriend just died and he took all the money he received at the funeral and bought masses in her name for the next year or so.

It's just normal, for the people I know, to bring a card with money in it, to a wake/funeral. You put it in a box and the family does with it what they wish.

I am going to the wake tomorrow of my mom's boyfriends' mother...I will be putting $20 in that card, too..

Regional?

NEVER. I have NEVER heard of this in my life and I ahve been to a lot of funerals.

 

[sandramaac]

It's a trend I have seen--very unpalatable if you ask me. A young girl passed tragically a few months ago in thie area, and 'donations in lieu of flowers' were asked to be made to her sister's college education!!! How would they have paid for her education had she not passed----

 

[Buckalew11]

I disagree 100%. Donations to benefit your community and not the same as donations to benefit your family.

100%. Different to benefit the community and something her father loved. Totally different. It is hard for me to see that people can't see this!

This isn't about giving, its about asking.

Amen!

I am 66 years old and have lived in PA, MI, NY, NJ, OK, TX, CA, AR, LA (multiple cities in most states). I've been to funerals in at least a dozen more states (when you get old you go to a lot of funerals).

I have NEVER ONCE seen a money box at a funeral. And most of the funerals were for people of very limited means.

I've buried parents, aunts, cousins, friends and again have never seen a money box. EVER.

Me either.

There have been small donation boxes at all of the funeral home/visitations I've been to as well (in 4 different states). I always throw a $20 into a sympathy card into the box, and no, I don't care what the family does with it. We had enough donated money when my grandfather was killed (unexpectedly, on the job) that we built a memorial shooting range in his name. It took the family a few months after he died to decide what in the heck he would want done with it, so nobody knew when giving what it would be used for. He was active in the NRA & DNR, so it was something we thought he'd love.

I do not see this the same way. Again, others will use it. If you said that you'd build a pool in your yard with it, I'd think much differently.

I have seen 4 people we know have this in their obit.

2 were raising their grandkids, while getting no support - federal or from mom/dad - and their illness ate up a lot of their savings.

The other 2 were younger parents who passed before they could really build anything up. Instead of money being spent on plants and flowers, they asked for that money to be put into an account for the kids education.

In all four cases, we were more than happy to honor one of their final wishes.

Totally different situation, imo.

 

[JessicaR]

Not a one. When I give money in such cases, I give because I believe in whatever the cause is.

Honestly, has nobody ever given money at a funeral or wake? Hell, there are boxes set up at most wakes I go to for this. When my dad died, my mom received a lot of money from people. I am not sure what she did with it...probably helped pay off the house. A friend's girlfriend just died and he took all the money he received at the funeral and bought masses in her name for the next year or so.

It's just normal, for the people I know, to bring a card with money in it, to a wake/funeral. You put it in a box and the family does with it what they wish.

I am going to the wake tomorrow of my mom's boyfriends' mother...I will be putting $20 in that card, too..

Regional?

Gotta be regional. Never heard of this ever.

 

[avgeek81]

The only time I have giving money at a funeral/wake was when a coworker of mine passed away. He was a mentally disabled stock boy at a store I used to work at. He had a history of seizures and he died suddenly. We took up a collection at work and brought it to the wake to help pay for buriel costs.

 

[eliza61]

NEVER. I have NEVER heard of this in my life and I ahve been to a lot of funerals.

wow, money is given at every funeral I've ever been too.

I'm a recent widow and received numerous cards with checks and cash in them. The theory being that even if the family had life insurance cash is needed immediately for daily living.

Always been the norm for me.

 

[CharityLynn]

Glad to see it wasn't strange when I questioned this earlier this year. MY Aunt passed away in Jan. of cancer and they put in a request for donations to be made to her children. Her youngest was in his mid 20's and none of them lived with her, none of them cared for her in her illness (My 80 year old grandma did that)

I said something to my mom about the obit asking for money for them, I thought it was tacky.

But that side of the family does not do well with money and Mom pointed out it was probably to help pay for the funeral.

Granted months later they had a yard sale to help pay for her head stone, which I also found strange. Then they complained when people didn't show up or buy the tupperware (Son sells tupperware and had some deals in which he'd donate a portion to the head stone.)

 

[Ponygirl]

I find the whole money giving thing, charitable donations, and flowers at a funeral a little odd and out dated. From what I've read, back in the day flowers were originally brought to funerals to hide the stench of the dead. Charming! How this has morphed into donations for family educations or anything else is somewhat beyond me.

I attend funerals to pay my respects, and it is common to bring food to feed the family particularly when there is a large gathering of them. The only time I feel the need to give money is if there is dire financial need.

I must be seriously lacking social graces.


ETA: If the family needs help during their time of grief, we are there. I will cook, clean, do yardwork, take the kids for a few hours, etc.

 

[arminnie]

There is always a small money box - maybe you do not know what it looks like?

I probably would not know what one looks like. But I know for my parents funerals plus those for my aunts and uncles that I helped plan we never were given an option to have one nor were we ever given any money (which is okay).

Does the church have an offering box that goes to the church? Is this done in a particular religion? Catholic? I say Catholic only because most of the ones I've attended were Protestant. Although I just asked my best friend who is Catholic and she didn't know anything about this either.

My mother was one of 9 several of whom did not have living children when they died so I've sort of "been in charge" of several services.

 

[SaraJayne]

Not a one. When I give money in such cases, I give because I believe in whatever the cause is.

Honestly, has nobody ever given money at a funeral or wake? Hell, there are boxes set up at most wakes I go to for this. When my dad died, my mom received a lot of money from people. I am not sure what she did with it...probably helped pay off the house. A friend's girlfriend just died and he took all the money he received at the funeral and bought masses in her name for the next year or so.

It's just normal, for the people I know, to bring a card with money in it, to a wake/funeral. You put it in a box and the family does with it what they wish.

I am going to the wake tomorrow of my mom's boyfriends' mother...I will be putting $20 in that card, too..

Regional?

Whenever we attend a funeral, we include a card with money. When FIL died, MIL received *a lot* of money from mourners at the wake/funeral. It was hers to do with however she wished. After a discussion with her children, they decided to start a scholarship fund in FIL's name.

It is very common where I am from to give/receive money at the wake/funeral.

 

[Andtototoo]

wow, money is given at every funeral I've ever been too.

I'm a recent widow and received numerous cards with checks and cash in them. The theory being that even if the family had life insurance cash is needed immediately for daily living.

Always been the norm for me.

One year, we had five family members/friends die in 3 different states for whom we were responsible for arranging the funerals. (Yeah, great year.) The only money we received was from my great aunt. She gave me $20 at my mother's funeral and I was so perplexed by it that I quietly asked others why she'd done that. No one knew; everyone thought it was totally bizarre. In fact, another aunt thought that was proof her sister was losing her marbles!

 

[kaytieeldr]

This isn't about giving, its about asking.

No, it's about suggesting. "In lieu of flowers, please...". If you were going to send flowers, please donate the money to ____ instead.

Not everyone who donates money in someone's memory donates to the charity of the deceased's (or the family's) choice. No reason why things would be different in this case. And some people will still send flowers.

 

[Rememberingthe70s]

I'm a Director of Music and pipe organist at a church, so I see (and help plan) more funerals in a year than most people see in a lifetime. I've never, ever, seen or even heard of a money box. I think this is a regional (cultural?) thing too. I'm in the Northeast.

 

[badblackpug]

Count me as another who has never heard of giving money at a funeral.

The only time I have seen money to benefit the family being asked for is when my co-worker's wife died in a fire that destroyed his home leaving behind 3 teenaged kids.

I think asking for donations to an organization that will benefit others in lieu of flowers is an entirely different thing than asking for money that will directly benefit the family. When my father died it said in the announcement that services were private and in lieu of flowers donations could be made to the local animal shelter or the marine mammal stranding center. Both local charities. My father was passionate about animals. My mother didn't want flowers. She didn't think she could stand looking at them or smelling them, and worse yet, watching them die and having to throw them out. Hundreds of people sent cards (no money) and lots of people sent food. So much food.

I think that asking for money for money that will directly benefit the family (except in cases of true hardship where minor children are involved) is in very poor taste. I would have never considered asking mourners to finance my kids education. I also think it is quite a different story if someone gives money unsolicited.

Let me throw out a hypothetical situation: say John Doe died and in his obituary his surviving children stated, "in lieu of flowers please make a donation to Joe's grankids Disney trip fund." Or donate to a fund to buy his granddaughter a new car or his grandson a new motorcycle? College sounds like a much more noble purpose, but is really the same thing. Profiting from grandpa's death.

My dad liked to watch TV. Our big screen is on it's last legs.

(Before I get enough points to use as my numbers for the next Powerball... I'm joking)

 

[tinatark]

Hmmm.... I wonder if grandpa planned this... he thought that flowers weren't necessary, that donations would be better, and thinking about where he would want $$ donated, thought about his love for his grandchildren and how he would like to have donations from people who wanted to honor his life benefit his grandchildren. Makes sense based on the way many people feel about their grands.