Obituary asking for money....for GRANDKIDS UPDATE POST 148

[Wishing on a star]

I have to agree with the posts just above.

The funds are usually designated to the deceased's favorite cause - in this case his grandchildren's education. It's not the most magnanimus use of funds I've seen, but still not general begging.

See, to me, that is where the line is drawn.

When the fund is, specifically, designated for specific relatives monetary benefit (not a more general cause) to me, there is no other way to categorize that than as 'begging'.

If it is for cancer research in the case of a person who, unfortunately, died of cancer. fine... If, let's say, in the case mentioned in the original post, it is for Educational Benefit for Schools/Colleges in the area... fine... If that is the persons chosen interest or cause... But, when it becomes "Give money for Susie and Joey...", that is where it crosses the line.

Certainly, if nothing else, it has the appearance of impropriety.

 

[luvsJack]

I disagree 100%. Donations to benefit your community and not the same as donations to benefit your family.

Again, it wasn't about who benefited. It was about something that would make Dad happy. For that reason, it would have been no different.

Maybe the grandkid's education was the most important thing to the man in the OP. Maybe he had already started a college fund and the widow knew that finishing that fund would have been the most important thing to him.

If you are going to send a $50 flower stand or a plant--why would it really make any difference to you if the $50 went into a fund for the grandkids?

 

[jrmasm]

Again, it wasn't about who benefited. It was about something that would make Dad happy. For that reason, it would have been no different.

Maybe the grandkid's education was the most important thing to the man in the OP. Maybe he had already started a college fund and the widow knew that finishing that fund would have been the most important thing to him.

If you are going to send a $50 flower stand or a plant--why would it really make any difference to you if the $50 went into a fund for the grandkids?

I believe (ME,IMO) that the beneficiary of the contribution does matter.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sorry, LuvsJack, while you make some somewhat valid points, your comments do not sway my feelings/opinion.

If the deceased wife chooses to set aside funds received for that purpose.

Hey, I am all for it.

But, again, when one starts out by saying, "Give money for Susie and Joey'.... That is, IMHO, where it crosses the line.

I thought funerals and wakes were for grieving, memorializing, showing direct support for the widow/widower,

I have never heard of anyone who would begin to think of the death of a loved one as a way to get personal 'gifts'.

Again, it comes off as a more innocuous form of Uncle Bubba and Aunt Bertha showing up to see what they are getting out of it.

 

[luvmy3]

My dad died when my kids were young. It never occurred to me to ask the mourners to pay for their college education.

It may not be their intention, but it screams of "Grandpa died, let's see what I can get out of it."

And gives them ideas of bumping off Grandma.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks, we needed that!!!!

 

[Arielle22]

Not a one. When I give money in such cases, I give because I believe in whatever the cause is.

Honestly, has nobody ever given money at a funeral or wake? Hell, there are boxes set up at most wakes I go to for this. When my dad died, my mom received a lot of money from people. I am not sure what she did with it...probably helped pay off the house. A friend's girlfriend just died and he took all the money he received at the funeral and bought masses in her name for the next year or so.

It's just normal, for the people I know, to bring a card with money in it, to a wake/funeral. You put it in a box and the family does with it what they wish.

I am going to the wake tomorrow of my mom's boyfriends' mother...I will be putting $20 in that card, too..

Regional?

It must be regional. I have been to many wakes (different religious denominations as well) and have only seen condolence cards and mass cards given.

My Dad died when 4 of his children were under 18. My mother would have been mortified if someone asked for donations to the family for our education.

 

[Sorsha]

Not a one. When I give money in such cases, I give because I believe in whatever the cause is.

Honestly, has nobody ever given money at a funeral or wake? Hell, there are boxes set up at most wakes I go to for this. When my dad died, my mom received a lot of money from people. I am not sure what she did with it...probably helped pay off the house. A friend's girlfriend just died and he took all the money he received at the funeral and bought masses in her name for the next year or so.

It's just normal, for the people I know, to bring a card with money in it, to a wake/funeral. You put it in a box and the family does with it what they wish.

I am going to the wake tomorrow of my mom's boyfriends' mother...I will be putting $20 in that card, too..

Regional?

Regional? Maybe, maybe not.

But probably definitely influenced by your circle of friends and family; and how they view selfless giving, generosity without boundaries, and the Its None Of My Business What They Do With The Money school of thought.

I am in that camp, and we always give as well - either to WHATEVER the Bereaved requests, or just in a card. It may help with their grief,and it matters not to me what they do with the money when it leaves me.

 

[crashbb]

Regional? Maybe, maybe not.

But probably definitely influenced by your circle of friends and family; and how they view selfless giving, generosity without boundaries, and the Its None Of My Business What They Do With The Money school of thought.

I am in that camp, and we always give as well - either to WHATEVER the Bereaved requests, or just in a card. It may help with their grief,and it matters not to me what they do with the money when it leaves me.

Nope - you're not judgemental at all!

 

[joviroxx]

I can see it now.. "Don't worry kids about a college fund, when granny and granpa die, we'll ask everyone to pay for it". For heaven's sake, this is so wrong on so many levels.

If you wan't to provide for your grandkids, go for it, but to use your death to collect money for this reason is just awful. A memorial fund is something being done to honor someone for the good of many and its completely different. This also isn't a fund set up my others in order to help the family either.

Now, if grandpa requested from his family that if anyone donated money to please give it to the grandkids, that is something totally different. That is a decision made between the family. But to publically request it? Sorry, nope, not even close to polite.

The worst part of it is if you think its awful, some will consider YOU to be the selfish dolt...

 

[Andtototoo]

Not a one. When I give money in such cases, I give because I believe in whatever the cause is.

Honestly, has nobody ever given money at a funeral or wake? Hell, there are boxes set up at most wakes I go to for this. When my dad died, my mom received a lot of money from people. I am not sure what she did with it...probably helped pay off the house. A friend's girlfriend just died and he took all the money he received at the funeral and bought masses in her name for the next year or so.

It's just normal, for the people I know, to bring a card with money in it, to a wake/funeral. You put it in a box and the family does with it what they wish.
I am going to the wake tomorrow of my mom's boyfriends' mother...I will be putting $20 in that card, too..

Regional?

Never seen that in my entire life and I've lived in five different states ranging geographically from Rhode Island to Colorado. So what's normal for you, would be surprising to me.

Just like when I moved out here and cash bars were the "norm" at weddings.

 

[joviroxx]

But probably definitely influenced by your circle of friends and family; and how they view selfless giving, generosity without boundaries, and the Its None Of My Business What They Do With The Money school of thought.

I am in that camp, and we always give as well - either to WHATEVER the Bereaved requests, or just in a card. It may help with their grief,and it matters not to me what they do with the money when it leaves me.

This isn't about giving, its about asking.

 

[DVC-Don]

Shoulda had life insurance.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

I've seen requests to donate to charities but never to donate money to assist the deceased's family in educating their kids (his grandkids...not even his kids). I don't know about handing out money at funerals...but ASKING for it is kind of tacky.

 

[Minnesota!]

Shoulda had life insurance.

My parents had plenty of life insurance, my mom has not hurt financially one bit since my dad died. However, she still received a good chunk of money from people when he died. Maybe it's just a carried over "formality" from when life insurance wasn't common?

Never seen that in my entire life and I've lived in five different states ranging geographically from Rhode Island to Colorado. So what's normal for you, would be surprising to me.

Just like when I moved out here and cash bars were the "norm" at weddings.

See, it would be weird for me to go to a funeral and not give money. But yes, at every wake (that I can recall) there is a place to put the cards/memorial money. It's just how it is done around here, I guess. We went to a funeral in Kansas City a few years ago and I know it was done at that funeral, too. So I guess I just assumed it was not that regional.

And yes, cash bars are the norm around here. Beer and wine = free. Anything harder, it's out of your pocket. Again, not weird for me, at all.

 

[disykat]

It depends how it was worded I guess, but I thought of it simply as notifying givers what any memorial funds received would be used for not as asking for money. That way if people prefered to send a plant/food/whatever, they could.

Personally, I'd like to know. I often give to memorial funds, but might choose not to in this case. I always appreciate knowing what the memorial funds will go to. Sometimes it is specific in the obituary and you write the check directly to the organization.

I've also never been to funeral/memorial where there's not a place to leave cards. Whether they hold a memorial gift or not is up to the giver. I've done it both ways, depending on how well I know the deceased and whether the use of the memorial funds has been published. It's not like they add it up in front of the guests.

 

[arminnie]

It's just normal, for the people I know, to bring a card with money in it, to a wake/funeral. You put it in a box and the family does with it what they wish.

I am 66 years old and have lived in PA, MI, NY, NJ, OK, TX, CA, AR, LA (multiple cities in most states). I've been to funerals in at least a dozen more states (when you get old you go to a lot of funerals).

I have NEVER ONCE seen a money box at a funeral. And most of the funerals were for people of very limited means.

I've buried parents, aunts, cousins, friends and again have never seen a money box. EVER.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I am 66 years old and have lived in PA, MI, NY, NJ, OK, TX, CA, AR, LA (multiple cities in most states). I've been to funerals in at least a dozen more states (when you get old you go to a lot of funerals).

I have NEVER ONCE seen a money box at a funeral. And most of the funerals were for people of very limited means.

I've buried parents, aunts, cousins, friends and again have never seen a money box. EVER.

I have been to way more funerals that I want to - from California to NY to Florida. There is always a small money box - maybe you do not know what it looks like?


And to the OP - tacky and sounds too much like money-grabbing. Like hosting your own shower.

 

[ReneeA]

Not a one. When I give money in such cases, I give because I believe in whatever the cause is.

Honestly, has nobody ever given money at a funeral or wake? Hell, there are boxes set up at most wakes I go to for this. When my dad died, my mom received a lot of money from people. I am not sure what she did with it...probably helped pay off the house. A friend's girlfriend just died and he took all the money he received at the funeral and bought masses in her name for the next year or so.

It's just normal, for the people I know, to bring a card with money in it, to a wake/funeral. You put it in a box and the family does with it what they wish.

I am going to the wake tomorrow of my mom's boyfriends' mother...I will be putting $20 in that card, too..

Regional?

There have been small donation boxes at all of the funeral home/visitations I've been to as well (in 4 different states). I always throw a $20 into a sympathy card into the box, and no, I don't care what the family does with it. We had enough donated money when my grandfather was killed (unexpectedly, on the job) that we built a memorial shooting range in his name. It took the family a few months after he died to decide what in the heck he would want done with it, so nobody knew when giving what it would be used for. He was active in the NRA & DNR, so it was something we thought he'd love.

 

[momto2girls]

Wow, people never cease to amaze me! That is so very tacky and would completely turn me off. There is no way that I'd donate to that "cause". People seem to get more nervy every day.