Obituary asking for money....for GRANDKIDS UPDATE POST 148

[happygirl]

Not tacky at all.

 

[luvmy3]

American Cancer Society will never get another penny from me. I would MUCH rather give my money to the family...to be used however they see fit. They are the ones grieving...whatever helps them.

So you wouldn't have an issue if the grandchildren decided to take the donated money and use it for Ipads and cell phones?
I don't see giving a monetary gift to a family as a way to help them grieve, and I certainly don't see a need to fund the college education of someone's grandchildren because they happen to have died.

 

[trip]

We see it all the time in Obits around here. For example:

"In lieu of gifts or flowers, those wishing to make donations may do so to an educational account set up for Bob's grandchildren, Bobby and Susie, at Bank of XYZ."

Seems perfectly reasonable to me... I know my grandpa has educational accounts set up for each of my kids (his GREAT grandkids), and I can see him making this one of his final requests.

I've also seen this and see nothing wrong with it. Also have seen it with donations for the children of the deceased.

When my parents passed, we requested no flowers. We had a few sprays but I think flowers are such a waste. When my inlaws passed there were sooooo many flowers. In that stressful time the smell of all those flowers almost made me sick. We took some, sent some to retirement homes but most were just thrown away.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think it is one thing to help bury someone or help with their children who are living in the home but to fund grandkids' education? No, not for me.

I am careful about who I give to. My dad died of cancer and we did not choose to do ACF. We did a local group who helps local cancer victims pay their bills etc. A lot of thought went into the choice, making sure where the money went. I think that is important.
We never give money to Red Cross for the reasons pp have said to be careful.

 

[Wishing on a star]

How is using the death of an elderly loved one a non-tacky and valid excuse for asking for money for one's own personal benefit???

Are there no limits to how people have become 'takers'???
No limits at all?

Wow....

A young girl in our community recently died. My son is familiar with her brother who is close to him in age. Just so unfortunate and tragic!!! Just brings everyone to tears. Yes, there were funds established. But this is different. This was a very real tragedy. The family is faced with huge medical costs, funeral, etc... We did contribute.

Sorry, but an elderly person passing away is not a tragedy.
It is not an excuse for the children and grandchildren to try to take advantage of other peoples grief and to become takers.
Looking only for their own personal benefit.

IMHO, that is no different than all the stories that we hear of Uncle Bubba and Aunt Bertha raiding Grandma's house before the death certificate is even signed.
Somebody seeing a death as way to get something.

 

[disneyfreakk]

I've also seen this and see nothing wrong with it. Also have seen it with donations for the children of the deceased.

When my parents passed, we requested no flowers. We had a few sprays but I think flowers are such a waste. When my inlaws passed there were sooooo many flowers. In that stressful time the smell of all those flowers almost made me sick. We took some, sent some to retirement homes but most were just thrown away.

I guess everyone is different. But when my mom passed away, all of the flowers made me a little bit happier because so many people wanted to show they cared for her.

As for the fudraising through an obituary, that's just TACKY!! I don't donate to other peoples luxuries.

 

[jrmasm]

Beyond tacky...
IMHO, would be socially unacceptable and embarrassing.

I did happen to notice that many of the relatives were educators and/or affiliated with education in some way. Just sayin....

What does that have to do with anything?

 

[Ceila]

I did happen to notice that many of the relatives were educators and/or affiliated with education in some way. Just sayin....

Given your obvious distaste for educators in past posts, I'd be interested in what you mean by that. We all know that the phrase "just sayin'..." often implies a certain attitude toward the subject. I certainly hope you are not implying that educators would be more likely to try to ask for money in this manner. Unfortunately, your phrasing and your posting history do make it appear as yet another disparaging comment about educators by you.

 

[luvsJack]

In my dad's obituary, we asked for donations to the youth baseball league and/or the high school baseball team in lieu of flowers. Had my mother chosen to ask for donations for some of the grandchildren's college fund (and an actual fund would be set up where donation would be made directly to that fund); then that would have been no different in my eyes.

People are going to send flowers, spending a minimum of $50 (usually much more). Those flowers are going to die and be thrown away. What is so bad about asking that the $50 be put to something that would have made the deceased happy and will much longer lasting?

 

[U2_rocks!]

And we are all aware, right, that a rather large percentage of monies donated to a lot of charities is NEVER used for charity but rather for "administrative" costs? http://www.charitywatch.org/ Just be careful when donating.

Personally, if I am going to give money, I would rather I see it go to someone I know needs it, than into the coffers of a fatcat "head" of a charity foundation.

These are not American charities I am talking about, so whatever your experience is may be different from mine. These are local charities (not in America) that really do help people. I have friends directly involved. Our local St. Vincent de Paul society very much helps the poor in a real hands-on way, as does our Variety Club. The admin expenses of local charities are not that high - we are a little country with not much red tape (at least, not in this area - don't talk to me about Government office red tape! lol).

This could just be a cultural difference.

 

[Sorsha]

In my dad's obituary, we asked for donations to the youth baseball league and/or the high school baseball team in lieu of flowers. Had my mother chosen to ask for donations for some of the grandchildren's college fund (and an actual fund would be set up where donation would be made directly to that fund); then that would have been no different in my eyes.

People are going to send flowers, spending a minimum of $50 (usually much more). Those flowers are going to die and be thrown away. What is so bad about asking that the $50 be put to something that would have made the deceased happy and will much longer lasting?

This exactly!

 

[Andtototoo]

Tacky, no matter how common it becomes.

Yup. It's very common around here. It's tacky in part because it makes the situation look like your grandfather's death is a neato way for you to make money. Just like putting a line in your wedding invitation about making Paypal donations to the Happy Couple's Paypal account -- just because it happens frequently, doesn't make it any less tacky.

 

[disykat]

It has never occured to me that, when a memorial fund is listed in an obituary, they are "asking for money." The only time I have seen anyone asking for money is when they do a fund DRIVE for the children of a victim.

Memorial Funds are simply there for people who want to make a memorial gift, just like sending flowers, so they go where the deceased would have wanted them to go. The funds are usually designated to the deceased's favorite cause - in this case his grandchildren's education. It's not the most magnanimus use of funds I've seen, but still not general begging.

Doing a fund drive for the grandchildren's education would be tacky. Asking that any gifts recieved by applied there is not. To my knowledge I've never been to a funeral where gifts were used to fund the funeral. Usually close family chip in for that and gifts from further afar go to a cause.

I would like any memorial gifts for me to go to one of the organizations I've volunteered in or to a local trail I walk on that is maintained by volunteers. it never occured to me that people would think I was fundraising from the grave!

I go lots of places where I see plaques on things that have been donated as memorials. This isn't a new practice!

 

[jrmasm]

In my dad's obituary, we asked for donations to the youth baseball league and/or the high school baseball team in lieu of flowers. Had my mother chosen to ask for donations for some of the grandchildren's college fund (and an actual fund would be set up where donation would be made directly to that fund); then that would have been no different in my eyes.People are going to send flowers, spending a minimum of $50 (usually much more). Those flowers are going to die and be thrown away. What is so bad about asking that the $50 be put to something that would have made the deceased happy and will much longer lasting?

Was the request made because he spent many years of his life as a volunteer/supporter/coach? Or was the request made so the cost of his grandkids playing sports would be less?


Regardless, they're not the same because there is potential benefit to lots of people not just his relatives.

I doubt anyone would have an issue if the obit the op read was to set up a general scholarship fun in the deceased's name.

 

[luvmy3]

Was the request made because he spent many years of his life as a volunteer/supporter/coach? Or was the request made so the cost of his grandkids playing sports would be less?


Regardless, they're not the same because there is potential benefit to lots of people not just his relatives.

I doubt anyone would have an issue if the obit the op read was to set up a general scholarship fun in the deceased's name.

 

[luvsJack]

Was the request made because he spent many years of his life as a volunteer/supporter/coach? Or was the request made so the cost of his grandkids playing sports would be less?


Regardless, they're not the same because there is potential benefit to lots of people not just his relatives.

I doubt anyone would have an issue if the obit the op read was to set up a general scholarship fun in the deceased's name.

For the youth team, both my sons and my nephew played on the teams for years and my dad was a volunteer coach for 4 years. The high school team, my oldest son played on so yes, in a way, he did receive some benefit from the donations.

But, the main reason we chose this was because it would have made my dad very happy. He loved baseball. He loved coaching the kids and seeing them improve over the years. He loved coaching his grandsons and seeing their accomplishments. He went to every game of the high school team and loved watching his oldest grandson play.

If we had chosen a college fund for those same reasons--his love for his grandchildren and desire for them to attend college--then it would have been no different.

It wasn't about who would benefit from the donations, it was about what made Dad happy.

 

[disneyfreakk]

A Memorial is about remembering the one that passed away. It's not about financing something that would have made the deceaced happy! They are two totally different things.

 

[Minnesota!]

So you wouldn't have an issue if the grandchildren decided to take the donated money and use it for Ipads and cell phones?
I don't see giving a monetary gift to a family as a way to help them grieve, and I certainly don't see a need to fund the college education of someone's grandchildren because they happen to have died.

Not a one. When I give money in such cases, I give because I believe in whatever the cause is.

Honestly, has nobody ever given money at a funeral or wake? Hell, there are boxes set up at most wakes I go to for this. When my dad died, my mom received a lot of money from people. I am not sure what she did with it...probably helped pay off the house. A friend's girlfriend just died and he took all the money he received at the funeral and bought masses in her name for the next year or so.

It's just normal, for the people I know, to bring a card with money in it, to a wake/funeral. You put it in a box and the family does with it what they wish.

I am going to the wake tomorrow of my mom's boyfriends' mother...I will be putting $20 in that card, too..

Regional?

 

[okeydokey]

My dad died when my kids were young. It never occurred to me to ask the mourners to pay for their college education.

It may not be their intention, but it screams of "Grandpa died, let's see what I can get out of it."

 

[jrmasm]

For the youth team, both my sons and my nephew played on the teams for years and my dad was a volunteer coach for 4 years. The high school team, my oldest son played on so yes, in a way, he did receive some benefit from the donations.

But, the main reason we chose this was because it would have made my dad very happy. He loved baseball. He loved coaching the kids and seeing them improve over the years. He loved coaching his grandsons and seeing their accomplishments. He went to every game of the high school team and loved watching his oldest grandson play.

If we had chosen a college fund for those same reasons--his love for his grandchildren and desire for them to attend college--then it would have been no different. It wasn't about who would benefit from the donations, it was about what made Dad happy.

I disagree 100%. Donations to benefit your community and not the same as donations to benefit your family.