Obituary asking for money....for GRANDKIDS UPDATE POST 148

[luvmy3]

Agreed. The funerals homes I most often attend (well, that was weird to say) have what looks to be like a desk, with a slot in it. The guest book is usually on there, with the mass cards, and then the slot to put checks/cards in.

It kind of floors me that the northeast, which is known for "cover your plate" (which, I find tacky), finds this, helping out grieving people, tacky.

Not right or wrong...just an observation on how different each little region of the US can be!

It floors me (someone from the NE) that people think funding the college education of a deceased grandparent's grandchild is helping grieving people. Were they only planning on going to college because he was alive?
My grandfather died years ago and I have since decided to take some classes. I really miss him and he would be so proud to know that I am going to finish college. You generous people in the south can send your check to me
Seriously, helping a family in their time of need is one thing, setting up a fund for a grandchild is not the same.

 

[luvsJack]

It floors me (someone from the NE) that people think funding the college education of a deceased grandparent's grandchild is helping grieving people. Were they only planning on going to college because he was alive?
My grandfather died years ago and I have since decided to take some classes. I really miss him and he would be so proud to know that I am going to finish college. You generous people in the south can send your check to me
Seriously, helping a family in their time of need is one thing, setting up a fund for a grandchild is not the same.

I find it so amusing that no one seems able to see something like this from another perspective.

9 out 10 times these things are asked for INSTEAD of flowers (maybe in the NE, ya'll don't send flowers or plants to funerals?) If you are going to spend $50 on a flower arrangement that is going to die, why on God's green earth do you care if it goes to a college fund instead?

Whether the donations go toward a college fund, a baseball team or to be buried in the ground for a future generation its given in memory of the deceased and that is the whole point; to do something in that person's memory so that whatever was most important to that person can continue/happen/thrive.

If you don't understand or agree with something that is the norm in other areas, I really see no need in being insulting about it, though.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It floors me (someone from the NE) that people think funding the college education of a deceased grandparent's grandchild is helping grieving people. Were they only planning on going to college because he was alive?
My grandfather died years ago and I have since decided to take some classes. I really miss him and he would be so proud to know that I am going to finish college. You generous people in the south can send your check to me
Seriously, helping a family in their time of need is one thing, setting up a fund for a grandchild is not the same.

I was not speaking in terms of that obit, which I find odd to say the least, I was speaking in general terms.

 

[disykat]

Our church, and I'd guess many others, have a not really talked about practice that enables people to plan their own memorial service. One of the questions on the form is "if memorial funds are received, where would you like them to go?"

I've only seen these forms because I sing and I see them when the deceased has requested I sing at their service. I wouldn't have known they existed otherwise.

Like others, I'm shocked that there are people that think it's wrong to give money at a funeral and even more shocked that most of the uproar seems to be coming from a place that insists everyone must give money, and lots of it, at weddings.

Here, memorial funds are common but there is no insistance that you give, only a mention what the fund goes to. If there is no mention of a specific fund, the assumption is that the family will use it to cover expenses.

 

[Andtototoo]

Our church, and I'd guess many others, have a not really talked about practice that enables people to plan their own memorial service. One of the questions on the form is "if memorial funds are received, where would you like them to go?"

I've only seen these forms because I sing and I see them when the deceased has requested I sing at their service. I wouldn't have known they existed otherwise.

Like others, I'm shocked that there are people that think it's wrong to give money at a funeral and even more shocked that most of the uproar seems to be coming from a place that insists everyone must give money, and lots of it, at weddings.

Here, memorial funds are common but there is no insistance that you give, only a mention what the fund goes to. If there is no mention of a specific fund, the assumption is that the family will use it to cover expenses.

I don't think it's wrong to give money at a funeral. It's just totally out of my experience as both an attendee of funerals and planning (and paying for) funerals both in my personal life and as a parish administrator of a very large church. Just because something it out of one's experience doesn't make it wrong -- and that goes for the 'cover your plate' wedding gift mentality as well, by the way.

What I do think is wrong is to use a grandparent's death to solicit money to fund a grandchild's college education. It's the solicitation that seems tacky, just as if someone went around at a funeral and held out a hat and solicited money to pay for it.

It's not about the giving, it's about the solicitation.

Giving is a choice the giver makes from a spirit of generosity. Soliciting is about taking. Totally different.

 

[luvmy3]

If you don't understand or agree with something that is the norm in other areas, I really see no need in being insulting about it, though.

Please, clear up what is insulting about what I said.

I was not speaking in terms of that obit, which I find odd to say the least, I was speaking in general terms.

I'm not sure why you quoted my response to another DISers pp.

 

[luvmy3]

I find it so amusing that no one seems able to see something like this from another perspective.

9 out 10 times these things are asked for INSTEAD of flowers (maybe in the NE, ya'll don't send flowers or plants to funerals?) If you are going to spend $50 on a flower arrangement that is going to die, why on God's green earth do you care if it goes to a college fund instead?

Forgot to address this in my pp.

Grandparents die. What about that is a reason to fund their grandchild's education?

Flowers are pretty standard at a funeral, I send them to let a grieving family know they are being thought of at that time. Like I said previously, sending them a GC to a grocery store or a restaurant is also way to help them IN THEIR TIME of need. How a grandchild's education has turned into "the family's time of need" is beyond me.

 

[luvsJack]

Forgot to address this in my pp.

Grandparents die. What about that is a reason to fund their grandchild's education?

Flowers are pretty standard at a funeral, I send them to let a grieving family know they are being thought of at that time. Like I said previously, sending them a GC to a grocery store or a restaurant is also way to help them IN THEIR TIME of need. How a grandchild's education has turned into "the family's time of need" is beyond me.

Not every family that has a death really has a "time of need". The money donated to whatever the deceased asked for is a way of letting the family know they are thinking of them too. In most cases its not about someone being "in need"; its about giving something in memory of the deceased.

How is giving flowers giving to someone "in need" and besides you still didn't answer the question. Why do you care if your $50 goes to flowers or someone's education or a charity or to buy a bench for the park with the deceased's name on it? What difference does it make? As long as it lets the family know that you are thinking of them in their grief and you honor their loved one, why does it matter?

When something like this is listed in the obit, its not a requirement--if someone still wants to buy flowers or send a card, that is perfectly fine. But for those that would prefer they can give to whatever fund has been set up. Seems to me to be a much better use of the money that a bunch of stuff, stinky flowers (sorry, can't STAND the smell of the flowers used in funeral sprays, so sicky sweet UGH) So, in answer to another poster, its not really solicitation so much as information.

Oh, and its your last paragraph that sounds a little patronizing.

 

[Buckalew11]

Forgot to address this in my pp.

Grandparents die. What about that is a reason to fund their grandchild's education?

Flowers are pretty standard at a funeral, I send them to let a grieving family know they are being thought of at that time. Like I said previously, sending them a GC to a grocery store or a restaurant is also way to help them IN THEIR TIME of need. How a grandchild's education has turned into "the family's time of need" is beyond me.

I so agree...

In a post above you said something about the south--this is not common practice in the south. There's flowers and then lieu of flowers donations can be sent to a cause --not a "personal" cause (ie. college fund or swimming pool for the backyard!)

If it is a parent who died who has young kids, a fund might be set up to help them. Or if a grandparent is raising their grandkids, a fund could be set up for those children. Sometimes a fund is set up for funeral expenses.

If and when you give grieving family a card with money, it is not part of that fund that is requested in the obituary. So, if you write a check and make it out to Jane Doe, she can use it for groceries, a bill or her grand kids college fund. If she wants to set up a scholarship fund because people have been generous and does not need to money to meet needs, then have at that--a wonderful thing to do.

It is the asking for it/suggesting it in the obituary that is what turns me off. I can't believe how many people think this OK to request in the obituary.

I've been fortunate to have only lost my dad and grandparents but have never been given any money outside of the causes we sent up in the obituary which benefited others--not our family. People were overly generous with those donations and food brought to our houses. But no one sent the grandkids to college.

 

[luvmy3]

Not every family that has a death really has a "time of need". The money donated to whatever the deceased asked for is a way of letting the family know they are thinking of them too. In most cases its not about someone being "in need"; its about giving something in memory of the deceased.

How is giving flowers giving to someone "in need" and besides you still didn't answer the question. Why do you care if your $50 goes to flowers or someone's education or a charity or to buy a bench for the park with the deceased's name on it? What difference does it make? As long as it lets the family know that you are thinking of them in their grief and you honor their loved one, why does it matter?

When something like this is listed in the obit, its not a requirement--if someone still wants to buy flowers or send a card, that is perfectly fine. But for those that would prefer they can give to whatever fund has been set up. Seems to me to be a much better use of the money that a bunch of stuff, stinky flowers (sorry, can't STAND the smell of the flowers used in funeral sprays, so sicky sweet UGH) So, in answer to another poster, its not really solicitation so much as information.

Oh, and its your last paragraph that sounds a little patronizing.

I care because for me its the principle of the matter. Obviously I don't feel asking for donations to a grandchild's college education in the event of their grandparents death as "right" or "appropriate", and there have been many in this thread pointing out the same thing and why over and over in this thread.
And yes I realize its not a requirement to give, and if one wants to go right ahead, but I feel its wrong for it to be even asked in the first place. This is not like donating to a charity, or a community project for memorializing someone, this is the same thing as asking for a handout IMO. (And FTR I'm not here telling anyone not to give to these types of things, I'm telling people why I would never do it).

 

[disykat]

I don't think it's wrong to give money at a funeral. It's just totally out of my experience as both an attendee of funerals and planning (and paying for) funerals both in my personal life and as a parish administrator of a very large church. Just because something it out of one's experience doesn't make it wrong -- and that goes for the 'cover your plate' wedding gift mentality as well, by the way.

What I do think is wrong is to use a grandparent's death to solicit money to fund a grandchild's college education. It's the solicitation that seems tacky, just as if someone went around at a funeral and held out a hat and solicited money to pay for it.

It's not about the giving, it's about the solicitation.

Giving is a choice the giver makes from a spirit of generosity. Soliciting is about taking. Totally different.

And,as many of us have said over and over again, letting people know where the memorial funds will go is not soliciting, it's notifying. Although the OP said "asked for money" she does not quote the wording. We don't know if they literally said "please bring money." I think everyone could agree that would be tacky. What I commonly see in obituaries is "memorial funds will go to ....."

Some of your words bear repeating "just because something is out of your experience doesn't make it wrong." Or is that only true if it's out of MY experience?

 

[luvmy3]

I so agree...

In a post above you said something about the south--this is not common practice in the south. There's flowers and then lieu of flowers donations can be sent to a cause --not a "personal" cause (ie. college fund or swimming pool for the backyard!)

If it is a parent who died who has young kids, a fund might be set up to help them. Or if a grandparent is raising their grandkids, a fund could be set up for those children. Sometimes a fund is set up for funeral expenses.

If and when you give grieving family a card with money, it is not part of that fund that is requested in the obituary. So, if you write a check and make it out to Jane Doe, she can use it for groceries, a bill or her grand kids college fund. If she wants to set up a scholarship fund because people have been generous and does not need to money to meet needs, then have at that--a wonderful thing to do.

It is the asking for it/suggesting it in the obituary that is what turns me off. I can't believe how many people think this OK to request in the obituary.

 

[Buckalew11]

Not every family that has a death really has a "time of need". The money donated to whatever the deceased asked for is a way of letting the family know they are thinking of them too. In most cases its not about someone being "in need"; its about giving something in memory of the deceased.

How is giving flowers giving to someone "in need" and besides you still didn't answer the question. Why do you care if your $50 goes to flowers or someone's education or a charity or to buy a bench for the park with the deceased's name on it? What difference does it make? As long as it lets the family know that you are thinking of them in their grief and you honor their loved one, why does it matter?

When something like this is listed in the obit, its not a requirement--if someone still wants to buy flowers or send a card, that is perfectly fine. But for those that would prefer they can give to whatever fund has been set up. Seems to me to be a much better use of the money that a bunch of stuff, stinky flowers (sorry, can't STAND the smell of the flowers used in funeral sprays, so sicky sweet UGH) So, in answer to another poster, its not really solicitation so much as information.

Oh, and its your last paragraph that sounds a little patronizing.

I never send "stinky" flowers to a funeral. But, I will say Dan Murphy sent me flowers when my FIL and when my DF died and it was very touching to me and took both home and enjoyed them for over a week. Yeah, flowers die but st the same time, I enjoyed them and felt the love a friend was sending me from far away.

I'm all for donating to a tree in the park, a bench, or some other organization that was near and dear to the deceased's heart. But not to a family vacation, college fund or retirement plan. I guess I do not see why you can't see a difference in the two types of things. That's all.

 

[Buckalew11]

And,as many of us have said over and over again, letting people know where the memorial funds will go is not soliciting, it's notifying. Although the OP said "asked for money" she does not quote the wording. We don't know if they literally said "please bring money." I think everyone could agree that would be tacky. What I commonly see in obituaries is "memorial funds will go to ....."

Some of your words bear repeating "just because something is out of your experience doesn't make it wrong." Or is that only true if it's out of MY experience?

Notifying that memorial funds will go to_____ are not a problem. It is the CHOICE of doing something personal like a college fund or a vacation would be their pick. The choice of the "Empty Pantry Fund" or the "Humane Society" or even a new organ for the church is one thing--a family cruise or acollege fund is totally different and tacky imo.

 

[disykat]

Notifying that memorial funds will go to_____ are not a problem. It is the CHOICE of doing something personal like a college fund or a vacation would be their pick. The choice of the "Empty Pantry Fund" or the "Humane Society" or even a new organ for the church is one thing--a family cruise or acollege fund is totally different and tacky imo.

I agree with you that the choice of memorial funds seems tacky. I would like to give the benefit of the doubt though that it's truly what the deceased would have wanted. I probably wouldn't give, but I still don't think it's inherently wrong to mention memorials and that is what I'm defending.

We have several different arguments going on here that are being rebutted.

1) the choice of memorial
2) the idea that mentioning money in any form in an obituary just isn't done

I am arguing #2. While some people are talking about #1, I think the majority of the argument seems to be whether it's even considered appropriate to mention/give/receive money at a funeral.

The reality is, if money is given it's going to go somewhere. The family can give it to an organization, use it for expenses, or use it however they want if it's not designated for something specific. Personally I like to know where it's going - it's one more connection with the deceased and I generally find myself thinking "x would be so please knowing that...."

 

[luvsJack]

I never send "stinky" flowers to a funeral. But, I will say Dan Murphy sent me flowers when my FIL and when my DF died and it was very touching to me and took both home and enjoyed them for over a week. Yeah, flowers die but st the same time, I enjoyed them and felt the love a friend was sending me from far away.

I'm all for donating to a tree in the park, a bench, or some other organization that was near and dear to the deceased's heart. But not to a family vacation, college fund or retirement plan. I guess I do not see why you can't see a difference in the two types of things. That's all.

Maybe because I see a huge difference in a college fund or a family vacation or a swimming pool in the backyard.

If the grandchildren are the most important thing in the world to the grandparent that dies and the family knows that what that person would want more than anything else is a college fund set up for his grandchildren and the money is given as a memory to him so that those grandchildren will know that because of him they are able to attend college--then I think a college fund is a great memorial to a loving grandparent.

As for flowers, when my Dad died there were some special flowers/plants that were sent by dear friends. Those were special and I enjoyed having them. In fact I still have some of the containers they were sent in (14 years later). But a huge number were sent that were huge funeral sprays that cannot be used anywhere except at the grave; those are the ones that I think are stinky and that can be a waste of money if the money could be better used somewhere else.

 

[Buckalew11]

I agree with you that the choice of memorial funds seems tacky. I would like to give the benefit of the doubt though that it's truly what the deceased would have wanted. I probably wouldn't give, but I still don't think it's inherently wrong to mention memorials and that is what I'm defending.

We have several different arguments going on here that are being rebutted.

1) the choice of memorial
2) the idea that mentioning money in any form in an obituary just isn't done

I am arguing #2. While some people are talking about #1, I think the majority of the argument seems to be whether it's even considered appropriate to mention/give/receive money at a funeral.

The reality is, if money is given it's going to go somewhere. The family can give it to an organization, use it for expenses, or use it however they want if it's not designated for something specific. Personally I like to know where it's going - it's one more connection with the deceased and I generally find myself thinking "x would be so please knowing that...."

Okay. I just did not even know we were arguing about #2--that's so common it is in about 99% of obituaries around here --"flowers or___."

When a fund is set up and placed in the obituary, there is always either and address, website, or whatever. I've never sent a check to the family for them to give it to ___. It always go to the cause and the cause notifies the family.

 

[Buckalew11]

Maybe because I see a huge difference in a college fund or a family vacation or a swimming pool in the backyard.

If the grandchildren are the most important thing in the world to the grandparent that dies and the family knows that what that person would want more than anything else is a college fund set up for his grandchildren and the money is given as a memory to him so that those grandchildren will know that because of him they are able to attend college--then I think a college fund is a great memorial to a loving grandparent.

As for flowers, when my Dad died there were some special flowers/plants that were sent by dear friends. Those were special and I enjoyed having them. In fact I still have some of the containers they were sent in (14 years later). But a huge number were sent that were huge funeral sprays that cannot be used anywhere except at the grave; those are the ones that I think are stinky and that can be a waste of money if the money could be better used somewhere else.

I think we're both clear on why I do not " like" the idea and why you do "like" the idea. We just disagree. And that's OK.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

If the family is in dire financial straits or the grandfather was supporting the kids I could see them asking for money for the grandkids. As long as there's no other way the kids might be able to go to college.

But outside that circumstance while it's acceptable to see a request to, in the memory of the deceased person, help to enrich a charitable cause that was dear to them in lieu of spending money on flowers, it appears distasteful to ASK mourners to help enrich the family. If somebody wants to drop off a check without being asked to donate for a specific family expense, that's fine.

 

[Ember]

When my mum died a little over two years ago, it would never have occurred to me to ask for money. I was too busy, you know, mourning the loss of my mother to think about what I could possibly get out it financially. Well, there's a lost opportunity. I'm a pretty tragic case, too. I had lost just about my whole family before I was 30. That's gotta be worth some cash, right?!

I think the whole "gimme" attitude we as a society have is really quite sad. It all seems to be about how to get, not how to appreciate. The idea is that "if you're going to get me something anyway, you might as well just let me dictate what it is. Otherwise I won't appreciate it so why waste your money?" Gift giving has gone from a warm hearted gesture to a bill for goods. Birthday parties, showers, weddings, anniversaries, vow renewals, holidays, and now even funerals. It all just feels like an excuse to order your loved ones you hand over cash or purchase the pre-approved gifts you feel you have coming your way.

Sorry, I don't mean to rant, but the whole notion of telling other people what to do with their money (Give it to me, of course! I'm the bride-to-be, newly married, birthday person, bereaved...) burns my buttons!