Obituary asking for money....for GRANDKIDS UPDATE POST 148

[Laura66]

I always put money in a card when I go to a funeral. Don't specify how they are to use it. My parents got a large us of money for my brothers funeral - most coming from his graduating class. They were very appreciative and used it to help pay for his funeral as he didn't have life insurance and my parents are on a fixed budget.
It's common practice here - sometimes guests also give gift cards for groceries or restaurants.
I don't see a problem with those types of donations - but to ask is beyond tacky.
- Laura

 

[eliza61]

I always put money in a card when I go to a funeral. Don't specify how they are to use it. My parents got a large us of money for my brothers funeral - most coming from his graduating class. They were very appreciative and used it to help pay for his funeral as he didn't have life insurance and my parents are on a fixed budget.
It's common practice here - sometimes guests also give gift cards for groceries or restaurants.
I don't see a problem with those types of donations - but to ask is beyond tacky.
- Laura

My job took a collection and when I went back to work (about a month after dh's death) they gave me a boat load of american express gift cards. I was in tears over the generosity. they said they knew I would not be up to cooking for a while (they were so right) and they would be convenient for eating out. They were so right!! One of the nicest things anyone ever did for me.

 

[Disney Doll]

Southwestern CT here, about 1.5 hours north of NYC.

I have heard of giving money in the sympathy/Mass card for a wake/funeral. My parents do it all the time. I have done it on certain occasions when I know of family hardship & know that they could use the money. What they use the money for after I give it to them does not matter to me. At both of my in-laws' funerals (11 years ago), we did get cards with money in them. Fortunately money was not an issue in terms of being able to bury them, so we gave that money to the scholarship fund set up in their honor at their parish's school

I have never seen a money box at any wake or funeral I have attended...maybe it was there but I didn't know it. Since it doesn't seem to be the norm around here, I also wasn't looking for it.

Requesting a donation be made to a "public" type cause (Save the Whales, salvation Army or whatever) cause seems fine to me. Requesting a donation to be made to the minor children of the deceased seems fine to me (ie-40 year old dad dies of a massive heart attack so let's set up a fund for the children). Setting up a fund to fund the education of a deceased's grandchildren for which he had no primary responsibilty, when those grandchildren seem to have parents who are both working at what sounds like good jobs, so will probably be at least as capable of funding a college education as the rest of us, seems to be a money grab to me.

Now I certainly wouldn't be walking up to anyone at the wake/funeral and stating my opinion, but I wouldn't be giving to that fund either. I'd be giving a sympathy/mass card, paying my respects and moving on.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Why does he care, he's dead?

And why do you care?

 

[luvmy3]

I have never seen or heard of a money box at a wake/funeral. That to me is the strangest concept, almost like asking for a cover charge to attend.
Having said that, I have given people GCs to restaurants and grocery stores out of sympathy and kindness. That is not the same as an actual request for a donation to a living grandchild's college fund. Where do you draw the line? I mean one can assume that a grandparent loves their grandchildren, when did it become appropriate to "ask" for money from others just because of that fact

If you want to take care of your family after your death, set up a will, get extra life insurance don't ask people to donate to them.

 

[Laura66]

I don't think I've ever seen a money/donation box. What we do is include the money or gift card in the card we put in the card box.

 

[joviroxx]

No, it's about suggesting. "In lieu of flowers, please...". If you were going to send flowers, please donate the money to ____ instead.

Not everyone who donates money in someone's memory donates to the charity of the deceased's (or the family's) choice. No reason why things would be different in this case. And some people will still send flowers.

Requesting money to be sent to a charity or public fund is one things, asking for money for your grandkids, its something else. I'm on the side of folks that have never seen a money box or given money at a funeral but obviously ,from this thread, it does happen. However, giving money on your own is completely different than asking for money , in an obitutuary, for your grandkids.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I'm a Director of Music and pipe organist at a church, so I see (and help plan) more funerals in a year than most people see in a lifetime. I've never, ever, seen or even heard of a money box. I think this is a regional (cultural?) thing too. I'm in the Northeast.

Never seen it at a church. Only at funeral homes.

There is typically a podium where you sign the guest book. On the podium are little envelopes and the "box" is attached to the podium. Put the money in a tiny envelope and drop in box.

Or of course it can be given in a card.

 

[Buckalew11]

My job took a collection and when I went back to work (about a month after dh's death) they gave me a boat load of american express gift cards. I was in tears over the generosity. they said they knew I would not be up to cooking for a while (they were so right) and they would be convenient for eating out. They were so right!! One of the nicest things anyone ever did for me.

That was so thoughtful of your co-workers and very different, of course, that putting in the obituary to make donations to your grandkids (I know you do not have any). It was an act of kindness from your co-workers because they care and like you.
Even putting money in the card or whatever is different that putting it in the obituary to fund the college education of that man's grandkids.

Most grandparents love their grandkids a lot and would love to see them get to go on to college but to ask for it in an obituary is so "out there" imo, I just can't fathom it. IF I put money in a card and give it the family, they can do with it what they please. If that means going into the WDW trip fund or college education fund, OK by me. Just don't ask for it in the obituary.

My sister's business is taking up a collection for a coworker right now. Clients are also giving to it. It is very heartwarming to see people care so much.

 

[SaraJayne]

I don't think I've ever seen a money/donation box. What we do is include the money or gift card in the card we put in the card box.

Yes, people put money in the cards they put in the card box.

 

[SaraJayne]

Never seen it at a church. Only at funeral homes.

There is typically a podium where you sign the guest book. On the podium are little envelopes and the "box" is attached to the podium. Put the money in a tiny envelope and drop in box.

Or of course it can be given in a card.

 

[lovin'fl]

In regards to OP's story...I would have just sent the flowers! I would donate to a charity or memorial when asked to do so in lieu of sending flowers. But I would NOT donate to a grandkid's college fund (unless grandkid's parents were also deceased).

 

[mickeysgal]

NEVER. I have NEVER heard of this in my life and I ahve been to a lot of funerals.

My mother always brought a card to a wake/funeral or sent a card to the house with a small check (usually around $20-$25). When we give a card, we sometimes include a check, sometimes we don't. It depends on the circumstances and whether we have it to give at the moment.

I think someone upthread may have hit on the roots of this practice. I was always told it was to cover the expenses of the funeral. In the past, people weren't as covered with insurance as they seem to be now. Before, insurance was put in place only to cover the funeral expenses - nothing more. That mind set has since changed.

 

[mickeysgal]

I'm a Director of Music and pipe organist at a church, so I see (and help plan) more funerals in a year than most people see in a lifetime. I've never, ever, seen or even heard of a money box. I think this is a regional (cultural?) thing too. I'm in the Northeast.

I can't say that I remember seeing a physical box, but we have handed the card to a member of the family.

 

[Minnesota!]

Never seen it at a church. Only at funeral homes.

There is typically a podium where you sign the guest book. On the podium are little envelopes and the "box" is attached to the podium. Put the money in a tiny envelope and drop in box.

Or of course it can be given in a card.

Yes, people put money in the cards they put in the card box.

Agreed. The funerals homes I most often attend (well, that was weird to say) have what looks to be like a desk, with a slot in it. The guest book is usually on there, with the mass cards, and then the slot to put checks/cards in.

It kind of floors me that the northeast, which is known for "cover your plate" (which, I find tacky), finds this, helping out grieving people, tacky.

Not right or wrong...just an observation on how different each little region of the US can be!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm a Director of Music and pipe organist at a church, so I see (and help plan) more funerals in a year than most people see in a lifetime. I've never, ever, seen or even heard of a money box. I think this is a regional (cultural?) thing too. I'm in the Northeast.

We have them here, just as the PP described. It is on the podium with the guest book.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Agreed. The funerals homes I most often attend (well, that was weird to say) have what looks to be like a desk, with a slot in it. The guest book is usually on there, with the mass cards, and then the slot to put checks/cards in.

It kind of floors me that the northeast, which is known for "cover your plate" (which, I find tacky), finds this, helping out grieving people, tacky.

Not right or wrong...just an observation on how different each little region of the US can be!

 

[luvsJack]

Hmmm.... I wonder if grandpa planned this... he thought that flowers weren't necessary, that donations would be better, and thinking about where he would want $$ donated, thought about his love for his grandchildren and how he would like to have donations from people who wanted to honor his life benefit his grandchildren. Makes sense based on the way many people feel about their grands.

That is my thought exactly! Perhaps he knew that his wife would not be in need of money given, he certainly didn't need the flowers and wanted to be remembered by providing an education for his grandchildren. Again, this is how I translate it to be similar to what we did for my father, ask for donations for the thing that would make the deceased the happiest. WHATEVER that is.



I am in the south and have never seen a box at a funeral home for money. But I know that if there is a death in the family of a co-worker, most places of employment take up donations and the money is given to the family member. I don't think any of us have ever questioned what the money would be used for.

 

[SaraJayne]

It kind of floors me that the northeast, which is known for "cover your plate" (which, I find tacky), finds this, helping out grieving people, tacky.

I thought something similar, but wasn't going to say it.

 

[Disney Doll]

Agreed. The funerals homes I most often attend (well, that was weird to say) have what looks to be like a desk, with a slot in it. The guest book is usually on there, with the mass cards, and then the slot to put checks/cards in.

It kind of floors me that the northeast, which is known for "cover your plate" (which, I find tacky), finds this, helping out grieving people, tacky.

Not right or wrong...just an observation on how different each little region of the US can be!

I'm going to have to look next time I go to a wake and see if there is a card slot at the podium.

It may have been there all along and I never noticed it.

I will report back.