I need to save my marriage

[FuzzyBritches]

That is certainly off-topic and unhelpful.

As are youre posts.



Are you trying to get the thread closed on purpose or do you just like picking on posters who offer advise different than yours?

And added to keep my post on topic, i think youve done all you can OP. maybe you can live with your facebook boyfriend because if you were my wife I wouldn't let you back in my house after cheating on me twice.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...That being said, I do think that the best outcome regarding this thread is for TPTB to delete it.

I agree - she made a mistake posting the thread. She should ask an admin to delete it. But that is her choice...

 

[declansdad]

One can attack and be in violation of the board rules without being untruthful.

She hasn't been attacked. Disagreeing with you doesn't constitute an attack on her.

Her son is seven. Why would she share her nik with him?

That being said, I do think that the best outcome regarding this thread is for TPTB to delete it.

I agree - she made a mistake posting the thread. She should ask an admin to delete it. But that is her choice...

Our son, who is 8, has known our Disboard names for years. Why should this thread be deleted? Because you feel sorry for her??

 

[FireDancer]

The bit that you posted from the OP did not speak to her intentions. What is 'obvious' to you may not be an accurate reflection of the OP's intentions at the time that she sent the email.

It is hard to judge or prove intent, unless you check the road to hell for new pavement of course.

Do you believe that no one in this thread has attacked the OP?

They have attacked her actions, and when one's actions are judged as wrong they will be attacked.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

You should have gone for counselling before this happened. You only made the last ditch promises because you got caught and your husband was walking out the door. You should have put the effort into the marriage in the first place and then none of this would be happening. Liks a PP said, take your lumps. If your husband is done then he is done. How many times can he take you back and try and work through it to trust you again? You haven't shown him that you can be trusted.

 

[NY Disney fan]

(((james'mommy))) I'm so sorry you are suffering and I hope you are able to resolve this. Right now your husband is suffering as well and probably more so than you are. What you need to do is have complete transparency with him. Give him your email passwords, facebook, myspace, whatever. Show him your cell phone bills. Do whatever you have to do to gain his trust back. Humble yourself to him. You betrayed him not once, but twice. Then, the ultimate sacrifice, leave the decision of the marriage to him. The ball is in his court now. If he walks away you have to accep this. Go with the flow. I wish you luck.

 

[sbell111]

(((james'mommy))) I'm so sorry you are suffering and I hope you are able to resolve this. Right now your husband is suffering as well and probably more so than you are. What you need to do is have complete transparency with him. Give him your email passwords, facebook, myspace, whatever. Show him your cell phone bills. Do whatever you have to do to gain his trust back. Humble yourself to him. You betrayed him not once, but twice. Then, the ultimate sacrifice, leave the decision of the marriage to him. The ball is in his court now. If he walks away you have to accep this. Go with the flow. I wish you luck.

This is terrific advice.

 

[MosMom]

You need to do some deep thinking about WHY you have this NEED to contact this other man. Don't scramble to save your marriage and put your husband through more hell unless you are 110% committed to making it work. If you aren't, and you feel your affection lies elsewhere just let him leave and be happy with someone else who will be faithful. Don't try to save this just because you feel like it is the right thing to do, it may not be.

 

[momrek06]

(((james'mommy))) I'm so sorry you are suffering and I hope you are able to resolve this. Right now your husband is suffering as well and probably more so than you are. What you need to do is have complete transparency with him. Give him your email passwords, facebook, myspace, whatever. Show him your cell phone bills. Do whatever you have to do to gain his trust back. Humble yourself to him. You betrayed him not once, but twice. Then, the ultimate sacrifice, leave the decision of the marriage to him. The ball is in his court now. If he walks away you have to accep this. Go with the flow. I wish you luck.

ITA! Great post.

 

[declansdad]

Do you believe that no one in this thread has attacked the OP?

No one attacked her, they commented on her actions. There is a difference.

 

[wvjules]

(((james'mommy))) I'm so sorry you are suffering and I hope you are able to resolve this. Right now your husband is suffering as well and probably more so than you are. What you need to do is have complete transparency with him. Give him your email passwords, facebook, myspace, whatever. Show him your cell phone bills. Do whatever you have to do to gain his trust back. Humble yourself to him. You betrayed him not once, but twice. Then, the ultimate sacrifice, leave the decision of the marriage to him. The ball is in his court now. If he walks away you have to accep this. Go with the flow. I wish you luck.

Well no kidding? He was cheated on and then betrayed AGAIN!

If she wanted to save her marriage she would never have contacted old BF for the second time. OP brought this on herself and has NO ONE to blame but herself.

Oh i'm sure she may come back and say he didn't fulfill her needs or appreciate her or tell her she was pretty often enough...BS.

 

[MusiqChic99]

I would have left you the first time and not given you the second chance. So you should have been greatful for what your husband did and not go about being dishonest again.

Honesty is so important in a relationship. You can't expect to lie and have a good relationship. It just doesn't happen. Therefore even if you guys work it out, this will always linger over your marriage.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

The more I think about this, the more I realize that if you had truly cared about your marriage and your husband you would have never cheated on him in the first place. Once you did and he miraculously forgave you, you should have kissed the ground he walked on for the rest of his life because he gave you a second chance that you didn't deserve. This second betrayal SHOULD be enough for any man with self-respect to kick you to the curb and find someone who treats him the way he deserves to be treated. I'm sure there are plenty of wonderful women out there who would be happy to take him off of your hands so you can be with your boyfriend.

 

[diznygirl]

I simply don't think that it's appropriate to take free kicks when someone is down. Further, I believe that the Community Board exists so that people can get helpful responses to thier problems, not so they can be attacked when they come looking for help.

Bo one attacked her, they commented on her actions. There is a difference.

I agree that everyone has been commenting on her actions. Her actions were seen by a majority of the posters as being in poor judgement and leading to the demise of her marriage. It's not kicking her when she's down - it's the truth. And she did it to herself.


She HAS received some very good advice, as well as the cold, hard truth that she screwed up.

 

[Scurvy]

You need to do some deep thinking about WHY you have this NEED to contact this other man. Don't scramble to save your marriage and put your husband through more hell unless you are 110% committed to making it work. If you aren't, and you feel your affection lies elsewhere just let him leave and be happy with someone else who will be faithful. Don't try to save this just because you feel like it is the right thing to do, it may not be.

I agree with this. OP, unless there is no doubt in your mind that you are completely committed to this relationship, don't put your husband through more empty promises and lies.

If you are truly remorseful and want to save this marriage, then I agree with NY Disney fan. You need to put the relationship in your husband's hands and find out what he needs you to do, and then do it. You need to give him all of your account information - email, social networking sites, etc - and let him decide what he wants you to do with them. If he wants you to delete them, then you should do that. If he wants you to keep them open and let him monitor them, then do that. You shouldn't keep anything online private from him. You need to cut this other man out of your life completely and never contact him again.

I think counseling is a very good idea. Even if it's too late to save your marriage, you need to figure out why you sabotaged it like this. You knew this might end the relationship and yet you did it anyway. That implies to me that you didn't care all that much about your marriage. If you really did care, and ruined it anyway, then maybe counseling can help you understand why.

Mostly, you need to be prepared that you might have damaged the relationship too much this time. I'm not sure I could give my spouse a second chance if he cheated; I know I wouldn't give him a third chance. I hope for your sake that your husband is more forgiving than that.

 

[kellyg403]

I agree that everyone has been commenting on her actions. Her actions were seen by a majority of the posters as being in poor judgement and leading to the demise of her marriage. It's not kicking her when she's down - it's the truth. And she did it to herself.


She HAS received some very good advice, as well as the cold, hard truth that she screwed up.

I totally agree. Pretty much everyone has let OP know that unfortunately the only thing to do is wait and see what her dh wants to do. She is the instigator of the problem it is now on him. She asked what she needed to do to save her marriage...IMHO the only way to save her marriage is to let her dh decide he even wants to.

What I find most interesting sbell is that you have posted several times attacking posters about what they have to say yet I have not seen a post where you are offerring the OP any kind of advice on what she needs to do. Not understanding how you are not also OT? Just askin'!

Kelly

 

[frndshpcptn]

Well, I am in your DH's shoes - I just left DBF of 7 years (we were living together) when I found out he cheated. Apparently more than once.

I don't know how you can fix it. You can try giving him access to everything, but that wasn't the right way to go for me.

I would hate to live in a situation where I had to monitor my SO's communciations and movements all the time - who wants to have to do that?

Trust (for me) is the cornerstone of a relationship and without I don't know how you can have one.

Even if you delete the page, if I were DH, I'd worry that you secretly set it back up without telling me. Or that you contacted this guy by text. Or by a secret email account. the list of possiblities is endless - which is part of what makes this so hard.

 

[Evil Genius]

You've messed up big time. What can you do to fix it? I don't see much. Ditch the computer. If you really need it to pay bills, etc than do it when your dh is home and in the room(if he stays.) otherwise I wouldn't touch that computer with a 10 foot pole. That goes for your cellphone too. Erase his number, if you have his number memorized than forget it. If you ever feel a temptation to contact him again, call your husband instead and tell him how much you love him and need him

Good Luck.

 

[luvsJack]

Wow. A lot of perfect people on the dis. I certainly hope that none of you ever make a heartbreaking mistake in your lifetime. Just remember many times when you judge someone else (or their actions), those words will come back to bite you in the butt.

Did anyone ever for one minute stop and think there may be a reason why the OP needs the attention of this other man? Maybe her husband is cold and unloving. Maybe he is verbally abusive. Maybe there is a lot going on that we don't know about.

OP, you need to some serious soul searching. Infidelity is usually a symptom of other problems in the relationship. For whatever reason you seem to be craving the attention of this other man. What is missing from your relationship with your husband? Is there something that he is not giving you that you need emotionally? You can't make your husband feel anything or want anything; but you can figure out what it is you need and it may not be your marriage. You need to fix you, only then you can fix your marriage or choose to move on whichever is the best thing for you. Only if your husband is willing to stick it out and allow you to take the time to "fix you" and then take the time to find out if you both want to stay married; will you be able to save your marriage.

 

[bumbershoot]

In my experience, with the exception of counseling, nothing has helped MORE in my life than getting advice from internet strangers. REal life friends have biases and personal background with you, and they just rarely give good advice.


OP, you basically contacted this guy in public. Unless you have it all hidden from your husband, you did this out in the open. Hopefully counseling is going to help you figure out why you did this final "please catch me before I do it again" email.

Speaking of counseling, does your or your husband's job have..I'm forgetting the abbreviation...do they have phone counseling available (EAP?). If you do have one of those programs, call NOW. It doesn't matter if your husband comes home or takes you back...you HAVE TO figure out what is going on with you. As I posted about last week, I've been on your old friend's side of things, and the cheating guys always have some deep issues going on (one of the many reasons I never was more than casual with those guys) that NEED to be taken care of. So husband staying or not, YOU stay in counseling. You cannot bring this into your future relationships. You need to get better for you, not JUST for this marriage.

The fact that he stayed, and is coming home after work, means that you do have another chance. Words will not help. You need to do something that will prove your commitment. Since I do not know you, or your husband, I do not know what might help. Perhaps you should ask him what he requires of you. At this point, he holds all of the cards.

I will not judge your behavior, but you need to find out why you did this. If you do not, you will almost certainly cheat again - even if you think otherwise...

Agreed.

..HOWEVER, every relationship is its own little universe and I don't believe in absolutes. I really hope that you can figure out and explain to your DH what motivated you, and he can forgive you if you are TRULY sorry you did what you did, and not that you got caught. There is a HUGE difference.

That being said, I HATE Facebook.

Agreed.

And I'm starting to agree with being anti-FB. Just a short while ago I thought it was benign, but it creates this weird half-life thing, and the brief messages you can send, the wall posts, emailing through them...I found myself having deeper conversations with people I haven't seen in years, than I have had through normal email. In a way that's good, but it was also weird. It's also making my "real life" friendships fade, b/c I figure if they have anything to say they'll let me know, but they don't, not really. They just post on FB and that's it.

...you need to be completely transparent and truthful with your DH, you need to take the hurt and anger from your husband, you need to support him, be there for him, be patient with him, and make sure he knows how sorry you are for what you did.

Your marriage has been irretrievably changed by what you have done. You cannot go back to the way things were, and you will have to work very hard to get it to some place where you can both be happy again. It will take a very long time.

Good luck to you.

Definitely.

There was no cheating involved, and we worked our way back together quickly, but hubby took off at one point. The ONLY thing that helped us after all the "I'm so sorrys" were done was that he has always been totally open to hearing my worries and fears. He has NEVER said "OMG that again?", he KNOWS how much he hurt me, and knows that it might go on for a lifetime (it won't, it rarely pops up anymore, but he would be OK with it if it did). You are going to have to decide if you can be like that, totally transparent, never lying about anything (yes hubby you do need a bigger shirt, no hubby those flowers made me sneeze, I don't like them, etc), etc etc etc. Always willing to hear him, always willing to allay his concerns and fears. It can't have been easy on my husband. It won't be easy for you. Are you up to it?

Because if you're not, don't bother trying to win him back.

Emergency counseling, promises, etc. are all done to assuage your guilt.

Disagree. Counseling is the best thing, if you can find the right person. Emergency counseling can be lifesaving.

Do you really consider a FB message cheating? I definately feel that she went against her own words and promises when she did that, and that it therefore is betrayal, but cheating???

I agree. It might be semantics, but it bothers me that people are calling an email cheating. Betrayal that sucked, yes. Going back on a promise, yes.

Lots of "strangers" on the Dis have gone through the same or at least very similar situation and can therefore offer advice. You don´t always need to know people and their families personally in order to be able to offer advice or support.

Agreed.