I need to save my marriage

[Plumeria]

Wow. A lot of perfect people on the dis. I certainly hope that none of you ever make a heartbreaking mistake in your lifetime. Just remember many times when you judge someone else (or their actions), those words will come back to bite you in the butt.

Did anyone ever for one minute stop and think there may be a reason why the OP needs the attention of this other man? Maybe her husband is cold and unloving. Maybe he is verbally abusive. Maybe there is a lot going on that we don't know about.

OP, you need to some serious soul searching. Infidelity is usually a symptom of other problems in the relationship. For whatever reason you seem to be craving the attention of this other man. What is missing from your relationship with your husband? Is there something that he is not giving you that you need emotionally? You can't make your husband feel anything or want anything; but you can figure out what it is you need and it may not be your marriage. You need to fix you, only then you can fix your marriage or choose to move on whichever is the best thing for you. Only if your husband is willing to stick it out and allow you to take the time to "fix you" and then take the time to find out if you both want to stay married; will you be able to save your marriage.

Very well said!

 

[Freyja]

Wow. A lot of perfect people on the dis. I certainly hope that none of you ever make a heartbreaking mistake in your lifetime. Just remember many times when you judge someone else (or their actions), those words will come back to bite you in the butt.

Did anyone ever for one minute stop and think there may be a reason why the OP needs the attention of this other man? Maybe her husband is cold and unloving. Maybe he is verbally abusive. Maybe there is a lot going on that we don't know about.

OP, you need to some serious soul searching. Infidelity is usually a symptom of other problems in the relationship. For whatever reason you seem to be craving the attention of this other man. What is missing from your relationship with your husband? Is there something that he is not giving you that you need emotionally? You can't make your husband feel anything or want anything; but you can figure out what it is you need and it may not be your marriage. You need to fix you, only then you can fix your marriage or choose to move on whichever is the best thing for you. Only if your husband is willing to stick it out and allow you to take the time to "fix you" and then take the time to find out if you both want to stay married; will you be able to save your marriage.

This is probably the best advice I have seen anyone give on the Dis for a long time.

 

[declansdad]

Wow. A lot of perfect people on the dis. I certainly hope that none of you ever make a heartbreaking mistake in your lifetime. Just remember many times when you judge someone else (or their actions), those words will come back to bite you in the butt.

Did anyone ever for one minute stop and think there may be a reason why the OP needs the attention of this other man? Maybe her husband is cold and unloving. Maybe he is verbally abusive. Maybe there is a lot going on that we don't know about.

OP, you need to some serious soul searching. Infidelity is usually a symptom of other problems in the relationship. For whatever reason you seem to be craving the attention of this other man. What is missing from your relationship with your husband? Is there something that he is not giving you that you need emotionally? You can't make your husband feel anything or want anything; but you can figure out what it is you need and it may not be your marriage. You need to fix you, only then you can fix your marriage or choose to move on whichever is the best thing for you. Only if your husband is willing to stick it out and allow you to take the time to "fix you" and then take the time to find out if you both want to stay married; will you be able to save your marriage.

No one on here has claimed they were perfect and she herself started out by saying that she screwed up, not once but twice. Maybe it's her.

 

[luvsJack]

No one on here has claimed they were perfect and she herself started out by saying that she screwed up, not once but twice. Maybe it's her.

No one knows what they will do in any situation until they have been there. How many that posted only to kick her while she was down have walked a mile in her shoes? She asked for advice, she didn't ask to be told if she had screwed up or not.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Maybe through individual counseling you can discover why you would do such a horrible thing. I almost think the contacting him was worse - that was after your husband started trusting you again. I really don't understand why you would do that.

Anyway, I hope you're able to find out what would make you do that and I hope your husband is able to trust you again, if he wants the marriage to continue.

 

[Disney Doll]

Wow. A lot of perfect people on the dis. I certainly hope that none of you ever make a heartbreaking mistake in your lifetime. Just remember many times when you judge someone else (or their actions), those words will come back to bite you in the butt.

Did anyone ever for one minute stop and think there may be a reason why the OP needs the attention of this other man? Maybe her husband is cold and unloving. Maybe he is verbally abusive. Maybe there is a lot going on that we don't know about.

OP, you need to some serious soul searching. Infidelity is usually a symptom of other problems in the relationship. For whatever reason you seem to be craving the attention of this other man. What is missing from your relationship with your husband? Is there something that he is not giving you that you need emotionally? You can't make your husband feel anything or want anything; but you can figure out what it is you need and it may not be your marriage. You need to fix you, only then you can fix your marriage or choose to move on whichever is the best thing for you. Only if your husband is willing to stick it out and allow you to take the time to "fix you" and then take the time to find out if you both want to stay married; will you be able to save your marriage.

I have said it before and I will say it again:

There is no justification for cheating.

If her husband is cold and unloving, work on it, fix the problem or get a divorce.

If her husband is verbally abusive, work on it, fix the problem or get a divorce.

If there is a lot going on that we don't know about, work on it, fix the problem, or get a divorce.

Because, you see, if you work on it and fix the problem, then you've fixed the problem and there would be no need to seek solace elsewhere and compound your problem. If you get a divorce, then you are free to contact and date whomever you wish.

I don't claim to be perfect. I am quite far from it, as a matter-of-fact. But I can tell you with great certainty that being unfaithful to my marriage is not something that I would do. Because, you see, my theory is that it would say more about me than it would anyone else...that I am a person lacking in the ability to behave ethically.

Choosing to be unfaithful is not a mistake...it is a choice and it is a decision...a bad choice & a bad decision...no doubt about that. I think the sooner we, as a society, stop allowing people to hide behind calling their bad choices "mistakes" or "lapses in judgement" the better off we will be.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

I just want to wish you luck because at this point I don't think anything else is going to help. I'm not being a jerk, just that he forgave you once, it happened again and I don't know either one of you well enough to say he would forgive again or that you wouldn't do it again.

You may have to dig deep into yourself and find out why you did it and work on that and go from there. I wouldn't beg him to stay at this point, I would just let things sink in and let him decide what he wants to do.

I have to say I'm rather shocked at the suggestion to letting him swing or have another girl as a consolation but stranger things have worked. Consdiering he was upset at the infidelity, I'm not so sure he would take that well. I know my dh would be devastated if I cheated and if I offered to help him pick up someone else he would see it as slapping him in the face and what I did as no big deal and something that can just be evened up.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Others have flamed you and have offered "its too late you screwed up" type of advice, I will not and will give you some real advice.

First off, this is unconventional and I may get flamed for offering such advice, but sounds like your desperate and if you are desperate, this calls for desperate action that may work.

Say you will never cheat again, and offer to open up your marriage. Tell him you will go out with him once a month to help pick up another girl. Bring her back to your house/apartment and allow him to have fun with her (open marriage/swinger type of thing.)

Tell him, that if he wants you will help bring home other girls for as amount of time as he requires in order for you to stay together. It may work and show him that you are willing to go the extra mile to make it work and give him an incentive to do this. There are a lot of couples out there that do this or just in fact swing (one goes home with a strange girl, the other goes home with a strange man) but they do it together.

To make it a good deal for him, tell him you have no interest in getting together with other men, but this is strictly for his own enjoyment. This may work.

That's just about the dumbest advice I've ever read. Swinging should not be used as a punishment...if a couple chooses to have that lifestyle, it should be because they both think they would enjoy it.

 

[SNylund]

Desperate situations can call for desperate actions. If he is already on the way out the door, this may be a last ditch effort to keep him. If she really wants to keep him, its a method. I seriously doubt if the typical repetition of promises is going to work at this point, she'll have to take some type of drastic action. This could work. I realize its unconventional, but we do accept Hugh Hefner in this world, if her letting him live that lifestyle for a while saves the marriage then its worth it, isn't it?

 

[luvmy2sams]

Wow. A lot of perfect people on the dis. I certainly hope that none of you ever make a heartbreaking mistake in your lifetime. Just remember many times when you judge someone else (or their actions), those words will come back to bite you in the butt.

Did anyone ever for one minute stop and think there may be a reason why the OP needs the attention of this other man? Maybe her husband is cold and unloving. Maybe he is verbally abusive. Maybe there is a lot going on that we don't know about.

OP, you need to some serious soul searching. Infidelity is usually a symptom of other problems in the relationship. For whatever reason you seem to be craving the attention of this other man. What is missing from your relationship with your husband? Is there something that he is not giving you that you need emotionally? You can't make your husband feel anything or want anything; but you can figure out what it is you need and it may not be your marriage. You need to fix you, only then you can fix your marriage or choose to move on whichever is the best thing for you. Only if your husband is willing to stick it out and allow you to take the time to "fix you" and then take the time to find out if you both want to stay married; will you be able to save your marriage.

I haven't read any responses on this thread where posters are touting how perfect they are. However, the OP's "heartbreaking mistake" was when she had the affair in the beginning. Walking down that same road again speaks to character and habit and her lack of commitment to her marriage. That goes beyond being a "mistake" IMO.

Her DH could very well be a cold, calculating, cruel man. If that the case, then she needs to leave. Marriage, especially when children are involved, requires the commitment and dedication of two parties. If you want out, then get out. Don't have an affair, beg forgiveness, and then attempt to reestablish contact with your lover.

 

[wvjules]

Wow. A lot of perfect people on the dis. I certainly hope that none of you ever make a heartbreaking mistake in your lifetime. Just remember many times when you judge someone else (or their actions), those words will come back to bite you in the butt.

Did anyone ever for one minute stop and think there may be a reason why the OP needs the attention of this other man? Maybe her husband is cold and unloving. Maybe he is verbally abusive. Maybe there is a lot going on that we don't know about.

OP, you need to some serious soul searching. Infidelity is usually a symptom of other problems in the relationship. For whatever reason you seem to be craving the attention of this other man. What is missing from your relationship with your husband? Is there something that he is not giving you that you need emotionally? You can't make your husband feel anything or want anything; but you can figure out what it is you need and it may not be your marriage. You need to fix you, only then you can fix your marriage or choose to move on whichever is the best thing for you. Only if your husband is willing to stick it out and allow you to take the time to "fix you" and then take the time to find out if you both want to stay married; will you be able to save your marriage.

Thats when you get a divorce, not a boyfriend.

Would you really be offering this same advice to a man who cheated on his wife?

 

[krcit]

Wow. A lot of perfect people on the dis. I certainly hope that none of you ever make a heartbreaking mistake in your lifetime. Just remember many times when you judge someone else (or their actions), those words will come back to bite you in the butt.

Did anyone ever for one minute stop and think there may be a reason why the OP needs the attention of this other man? Maybe her husband is cold and unloving. Maybe he is verbally abusive. Maybe there is a lot going on that we don't know about.

OP, you need to some serious soul searching. Infidelity is usually a symptom of other problems in the relationship. For whatever reason you seem to be craving the attention of this other man. What is missing from your relationship with your husband? Is there something that he is not giving you that you need emotionally? You can't make your husband feel anything or want anything; but you can figure out what it is you need and it may not be your marriage. You need to fix you, only then you can fix your marriage or choose to move on whichever is the best thing for you. Only if your husband is willing to stick it out and allow you to take the time to "fix you" and then take the time to find out if you both want to stay married; will you be able to save your marriage.

I agree with this whole post. I have found as I get older and am married longer(15 years) everything is not black and white. Every marriage is different, every relationship is different. Noone knows exactly what happens in a marriage except the people in it. I hope the op and her dh are able to work through this and have a better, stronger marriage if that is what they both want.

 

[declansdad]

No one knows what they will do in any situation until they have been there. How many that posted only to kick her while she was down have walked a mile in her shoes? She asked for advice, she didn't ask to be told if she had screwed up or not.

I believe that most posts gave her advice in the context that she made a huge mistake. I don't recall anyone poster simply coming in here to kick her when she was down.

 

[sbell111]

... I have to say I'm rather shocked at the suggestion to letting him swing or have another girl as a consolation but stranger things have worked. Consdiering he was upset at the infidelity, I'm not so sure he would take that well. I know my dh would be devastated if I cheated and if I offered to help him pick up someone else he would see it as slapping him in the face and what I did as no big deal and something that can just be evened up.

I completely agree.

In my opinion, if someone wants to include other people in their relationship, they have little respect for the relationship. If my spouse suggested this, I would be more likely to move on.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Giving her a real plan of action that COULD work, is better than kicking her while she's down and calling her names and its too late, forget it, you deserve what you get etc. I haven't seen any other suggestions that could work for her at this point made by anyone.

I didn't suggest it as a "punishment" I suggested it has a means to save her marriage. I know other couples that do stuff like this, and it works for them.

I don't know why you would say its dumb. Is it dumb if it worked?

It's dumb because you obviously don't understand "swinging" or having an open marriage. I don't necessarily agree with it or want to indulge in it in my own life, but at least I understand that both people are supposed to enjoy it and bringing it into this situation isn't going to make the marriage better. If anything, it will make it worse. It also wouldn't be fair to the other women.

 

[Missy1961]

I have said it before and I will say it again:

There is no justification for cheating.

If her husband is cold and unloving, work on it, fix the problem or get a divorce.

If her husband is verbally abusive, work on it, fix the problem or get a divorce.

If there is a lot going on that we don't know about, work on it, fix the problem, or get a divorce.

Because, you see, if you work on it and fix the problem, then you've fixed the problem and there would be no need to seek solace elsewhere and compound your problem. If you get a divorce, then you are free to contact and date whomever you wish.

I don't claim to be perfect. I am quite far from it, as a matter-of-fact. But I can tell you with great certainty that being unfaithful to my marriage is not something that I would do. Because, you see, my theory is that it would say more about me than it would anyone else...that I am a person lacking in the ability to behave ethically.

Choosing to be unfaithful is not a mistake...it is a choice and it is a decision...a bad choice & a bad decision...no doubt about that. I think the sooner we, as a society, stop allowing people to hide behind calling their bad choices "mistakes" or "lapses in judgement" the better off we will be.

Great post.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Desperate situations can call for desperate actions. If he is already on the way out the door, this may be a last ditch effort to keep him. If she really wants to keep him, its a method. I seriously doubt if the typical repetition of promises is going to work at this point, she'll have to take some type of drastic action. This could work. I realize its unconventional, but we do accept Hugh Hefner in this world, if her letting him live that lifestyle for a while saves the marriage then its worth it, isn't it?

While going out and getting revenge sex may feel real good in the short term, it does nothing to rebuild the relationship.

At this point seperating from her DH and figuring out what she really wants is the whole enchilada really. She told her DH one thing and her actions did not match her words.

It is "Mars Attacks"....for those of you that saw this movie you know that the aliens are running around the earth saying "we come in peace" as they kill people with ray guns.

 

[FireDancer]

Did anyone ever for one minute stop and think there may be a reason why the OP needs the attention of this other man? Maybe her husband is cold and unloving. Maybe he is verbally abusive. Maybe there is a lot going on that we don't know about.

Why is irrelevant. If OP needs to fill some need in someone else's bed then leave the marriage and move onto someone else, not the other way around. Blaming him for her cheating would be like blaming her for him abusing her...don't blame the victim.

To the poster who suggested they have an open marriage, I think that would just not work. If both of them wanted an opened marriage they would have had one from the start. I don't think it is the kind of thing you do after the fact. I also think that the reaction of her husband to both the cheating and FB post indicate that he is more interested in a partner that is faithful than multiple partners. It is an assumption, and I may be wrong, but it seems the more logical conclusion to me.

 

[wvjules]

Ummm, many of the posteres gave no advice. They merely kicked.

Just in case you missed it...

My advice: Go be with your BF since that is apparently who you want and let DH go find a woman that will respect him enough to not cheat on him and then turn around and betray his trust AGAIN!

 

[luvmy3]

The OP posted why her marriage is need of saving and asked for advice on how she can do it. The very act of doing that is asking all who read it to judge her situation and judge her actions so that we can give her advce on what to do. We are all in judgement here, it doesn't matter whether we are here to give her positive or negative feedback. So, for those who think you aren't you might want to step off that high horse of yours.