I need to save my marriage

[KristinBelle]

1- Delete the facebook account and I'd even suggest staying away from the internet altogether

2- Get counseling to figure out why you keep destroying yourself and your marriage.


I hope it all works out for you

 

[luvmy3]

Ask yourself this- What would have happned if your dh didn't find out about your contact on facebook? How far would have it gone until you realized you want to save your marriage, or would you feel that way at all if your dh never knew about it?
I'm sorry but if I was your dh, the trust would be forever gone after this second time, and a marriage can't survive without it.

 

[Deb in IA]

I need suggestion for what else I can do to try and make this better.

Don't cheat anymore. Stop all contact the ex-boyfriend. Pray that your husband will take you back again.

Not much else you can do.

 

[mickeyboat]

Check out this website. Lots of information and support there for wayward spouses:

www.survivinginfidelity.com

It looks like you have a tough road ahead of you, and a lot of work to do to have any hope of saving your marriage. You need to send a no contact letter to your ex, you need to be completely transparent and truthful with your DH, you need to take the hurt and anger from your husband, you need to support him, be there for him, be patient with him, and make sure he knows how sorry you are for what you did.

Your marriage has been irretrievably changed by what you have done. You cannot go back to the way things were, and you will have to work very hard to get it to some place where you can both be happy again. It will take a very long time.

Good luck to you.

 

[mtemm]

the only person that can tell you what he needs in order to make this work is your husband. unfortunately, that ship might have sailed. But in the meantime individual therapy and marriage counseling are a good start, as well as telling your husband exactly what you want (to make this work) and asking what he needs from you.. they might not change anything, but I think you'd stand a better chance with those than doing nothing at all.

definitely figure out why you made that contact. be brutally honest with yourself about it.

good luck to you! and I do mean that sincerely

 

[Octoberbride03]

If I were your husband I'd be done. You cheated once and now apparently you're ready to, OR already have been cheating again. With the SAME GUY. I would not believe you if you told me you only contacted him once on FB. I'd stay in the house till I could make new arrangements and that's it.

Its not FB's fault. Its all yours, all by yourself. If he was suggested as a friend all you had to was click the picture and then the ignore button, he would never have been suggested again. But you already know where to find him. I think if you were really being honest with yourself you would know the answers to the questions you're asking about your marriage and yourself.

Good luck. You're entire family needs it.

 

[dis-happy]

Wishing you the best, OP. Love hopes all things.

 

[rainy~daze]

OP, I think as for the marriage it is up to DH at this point if he wants to try to make it work or is willing to try to trust you again. You can't do anything or expect to have any say in how he feels. You need to give him the space he needs to decide what he wants.

In the meantime, you need to figure out why you have the need to push him away so much. It is almost like you have a need to test how far you can push DH and still have him love and forgive you, as if if he won't forgive you then he doesn't really love you. You put yourself in a no win situation, you are hurting yourself and others for someone else to prove to you you are worthy to be loved. I think you need to find the root of the problem that makes you do this, repeatedly. Or else, even if your DH wants to work it out, it will never work because you will do it over and over again.
A marriage counselor is a good start, but personal therapy to find out your own issues and resolve them will help you no matter what happens to your marriage.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I think you need to figure out why you felt the need to contact the man again.
Personally, I feel a lot worse for your husband than for you.

 

[nd5056]

I am so ashamed that I am not even bothering to post under another name...

Do you really want to know what I think of this???

It’s not that you’re so ashamed of yourself or looking for help. You know your husband will see this, he did see what happened on Facebook, didn’t he??? You’re going to extremes to get what you want, how about your hubby, he doesn’t deserve to get what he wants?

If you want to save this marriage, stop being selfish and manipulative, stop telling you husband what you want and start listening to what he wants for a change. He deserves happiness too, not only you.

Forgive me for being harsh on you, but you’re title “I need to save my marriage” sums it up, there is quite a bit of a difference between “WANT” and “NEED” if you ask me…

.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

Do you really want to know what I think of this???

It’s not that you’re so ashamed of yourself or looking for help. You know your husband will see this, he did see what happened on Facebook, didn’t he??? You’re going to extremes to get what you want, how about your hubby, he doesn’t deserve to get what he wants?

If you want to save this marriage, stop being selfish and manipulative, stop telling you husband what you want and start listening to what he wants for a change. He deserves happiness too, not only you.

Forgive me for being harsh on you, but you’re title “I need to save my marriage” sums it up, there is quite a bit of a difference between “WANT” and “NEED” if you ask me…

.

My thoughts exactly, word for word.

 

[krcit]

Not to that extreme but I know what it's like to be in your shoes. I don't know that there is anything else that you can actually 'do' at this point that you aren't already doing. You need to follow through with the promises that you have made already. Luckily this was just the first contact, was it innocent or did you tell him you missed him or something? I would get rid of facebook, I would not let him be a friend on there, I would delete and get rid of every method of contact you have possible. It's hard to cut ties like that (even if they don't know) but you need to throw/burn everything out.

Since you have a marriage counselor, I assume you have explored what feelings are driving you to contact this person in the first place. There has to be void that you are filling that causes you to want to reach out to this person. That is the void and feelings that you need to examine. Why did you message him last night? What feelings caused you to do that? Some people like drama, some people need to feel needed ... every person that has gone through our lives gives us something that the others don't. What is the hold this guy has? What has he done? You can do anything to try and save your marriage right now but if you don't address the underlying issue to why you are reaching out to this guy, things won't get much better in the long term.

Good Luck .... this is going to be a tough time for you guys .... It's harder to face the truth about why you are doing this than to just move past it and reprove you are trust-worthy.

ITA with this. I hope everything works out for you OP.

 

[KAMKIM]

My suggestion delete the facebook. It isn't worth it.

 

[diznygirl]

The advice is for your husband: She screwed up again, and is sorry she got caught. I don't know if she ever was trustworthy - what has she done that you haven't caught? It's up to you if you think marriage counseling will help you get past all this. Good luck.

 

[luvmy2sams]

Sorry, OP, but you blew it again. If I were your DH, you'd be gone. Put your DH and your kids (I'm assuming from your user name that there is at least one child involved here) first and GROW UP. I'm afraid you'll be getting exactly what you deserve, and you've got no one to blame but yourself. You need to figure out exactly what you were hoping for when you contacted your boyfriend. If you want to cheat, get a divorce. Your DH didn't deserve to be cheated on the first time, and he most definitely didn't deserve the slap in the face you gave him when you contacted this boyfriend again. I agree with the others. You're sorry you got caught and are using this post in an attempt to save face. Don't know if all the counseling in the world will help at this point. I know it wouldn't if I were in your DH's shoes.

 

[kellyg403]

Honestly OP I can only tell you that what you have done has hurt your dh to the extreme. Depending on what he is going to do, there really isn't anything you CAN do...it appears you have done enough.

This isn't really about saving your marriage..its about the hurt and distrust your husband is feeling today. Saving the marriage comes later. You need to work on helping him understand this is not about him as a person and that he did absolutely nothing wrong. He has already attempted to save this marriage by trusting you and you broke that trust. As someone who has gone through this..you can't make it about you. You were selfish and broke the trust you had regained...there is no turning back. So regardless of whether or not your husband stays you are looking at months, if not years, of proving yourself because he deserves that.

Good luck to you...what is done is done..you want your dh to respect the fact that this was an innocent setback..be grown enough to respect the fact he might want to leave the marriage and not look back.

Kelly

 

[jaminmd]

I am so ashamed that I am not even bothering to post under another name. A few years ago I started an email relationship with an ex boyfriend. A year and a half ago when I was back home because my dad was in the hospital I met up with the guy. One thing led to another and I ended up cheating on my husband. I was ready to leave my husband. I ended up staying and we worked things out. Eventually he was able to start trusting me again. I promised that I would never contact him again. Yesterday I was stupid and sent the man a message through facebook. My husband found out last night. He told me to leave. I refused and he said he would leave. We talked and he said he would not leave last night. Today he said he would be home after work. But that doesn't mean he won't leave tomorrow or the next day. I've begged for my husband's forgiveness. Promised I would never do it again. Swore that he means the whole world to me. Begged him not to leave. I made an emergency appointment with our marriage counselor. I promised to go into individual counseling. I called this morning and left a message to set up an appointment. I've promised to never lie to him again. I need suggestion for what else I can do to try and make this better. I'm at a loss. Please help.

If that were true, you never would have emailed the other guy in the first place. You can't have it both ways. Either you want the other guy or your husband. You better figure it out quickly.

You asked what you can do to make this better. Well, all the other advice is great as far as deleting facebook, all contact, etc. However, this isn't about you anymore. This is about your husband and what he may need is time.

Emergency counseling, promises, etc. are all done to assuage your guilt. You screwed up. Do what your husband wants now & if that includes you getting out of his face, then go. Really.

I hope your husband can find peace & happiness again.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...It’s not that you’re so ashamed of yourself or looking for help. You know your husband will see this, he did see what happened on Facebook, didn’t he??? You’re going to extremes to get what you want, how about your hubby, he doesn’t deserve to get what he wants?

If you want to save this marriage, stop being selfish and manipulative, stop telling you husband what you want and start listening to what he wants for a change. He deserves happiness too, not only you...

Very insightful, and something that I had not considered.

To the OP - I hope that this is not true. If it is, you do not deserve his trust. This post would only represent another lie, and another attempt to manipulate your husband. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this sounds a little too fishy.

To the OP's husband (if you read this) - Don't accept her plea on this board as the truth. Seek it in her actions, not her words...

 

[KAMKIM]

I could never understand people that throw away their marriage and ruin their childrens lives over one or two "feel good" moments. It just isn't worth it.

 

[manning]

What is that saying? Studid is as stupid does.

You made the same mistake twice. I'm sorry, but I have to side with your husband and that is only hearing one side.