I need to save my marriage

[diznygirl]

Others have flamed you and have offered "its too late you screwed up" type of advice, I will not and will give you some real advice.

First off, this is unconventional and I may get flamed for offering such advice, but sounds like your desperate and if you are desperate, this calls for desperate action that may work.

Say you will never cheat again, and offer to open up your marriage. Tell him you will go out with him once a month to help pick up another girl. Bring her back to your house/apartment and allow him to have fun with her (open marriage/swinger type of thing.)

Tell him, that if he wants you will help bring home other girls for as amount of time as he requires in order for you to stay together. It may work and show him that you are willing to go the extra mile to make it work and give him an incentive to do this. There are a lot of couples out there that do this or just in fact swing (one goes home with a strange girl, the other goes home with a strange man) but they do it together.

To make it a good deal for him, tell him you have no interest in getting together with other men, but this is strictly for his own enjoyment. This may work.

Dude, I think you are on to something there. But the threesome would be the OP, her ex-boyfriend, and her husband.

Hey look, a smiley that actually works here:




Okay, now that we are done joking, can we get back to Sbell telling us what horrible people we are?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I purposefully AVOID my few ex-es for that very reason. Why submit yourself to temptation? (and by that I mean--that there is with at least one an emotional connection on my end. He actually contacted me once like we were old buddies and it just stirred up way too many feelings. His contact was benign--but it scared the crap out of me. I didn't break off the relationship and didn't fully heal from it. He is married now as well--to someone with my name!!!! Just wayyy to weird for me attempt a friendship, so he is simply banned from my life. It is good for me and extremely fair to my husband to do that.)

Your husband forgave you and you opened the Pandora's box again.

Did you guys do therapy?

My mother's third husband cheated on her. She forgave him the first time, but not the second. The whole "full me once, shame on you, full me twice, shame on me" saying.

Like a drug--you would have to quit cold turkey and leave your ex in your past and NEVER contact him again. That is what you should have done.

You likely will need counseling perhaps to sort out why you felt you could contact this man again given the history and the fact that you engaged in an extra-marital affair with him.

I wish I had the answers, I sincerely don't know what you could do to save things. But it would require a hefty intervention since you opted to willingly betray your husband's trust a second time.

I was shocked when my mom stayed with her husband (he was a piece of dirt all around) but happy she did walk away from him after his second betrayal.

If your husband does stay with you--consider it a huge blessing and do EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER to work on your marriage including no contact with ex-es of any kind for any reason (unless you have to by court order b/c you share a child with them.)

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I can, with conviction, tell you that my husband would not be interested. While he is a healthy male with a healthy sexual appetite, family, love, and his children's security all come before sex.

Ahhh, but what if he could have all of that, AND THE SEX? Do you seriously think that he wouldn't be interested?

 

[luvsJack]

I have said it before and I will say it again:

There is no justification for cheating.

If her husband is cold and unloving, work on it, fix the problem or get a divorce.

If her husband is verbally abusive, work on it, fix the problem or get a divorce.

If there is a lot going on that we don't know about, work on it, fix the problem, or get a divorce.

Because, you see, if you work on it and fix the problem, then you've fixed the problem and there would be no need to seek solace elsewhere and compound your problem. If you get a divorce, then you are free to contact and date whomever you wish.

I don't claim to be perfect. I am quite far from it, as a matter-of-fact. But I can tell you with great certainty that being unfaithful to my marriage is not something that I would do. Because, you see, my theory is that it would say more about me than it would anyone else...that I am a person lacking in the ability to behave ethically.

Choosing to be unfaithful is not a mistake...it is a choice and it is a decision...a bad choice & a bad decision...no doubt about that. I think the sooner we, as a society, stop allowing people to hide behind calling their bad choices "mistakes" or "lapses in judgement" the better off we will be.

You have no idea what caused her to make the choices she made. You sit at a screen and say "fix it or get a divorce". It is simply not always that easy. It may be easy to do those things in your world, but the OP does not live in your world.

Although fidelity was not the reason, I have been in the situation of deciding to leave or not--it was a very hard decision and a very frightening decision. I knew I was going to have two little boys looking at me to provide food and shelter and I didn't know if I would be able to do it. Maybe the OP is in that same place I was and is terrified of going it alone.

She made a bad choice or a mistake or whatever you choose to call it. She knows that. She never denied that. She never said "he should understand". There was no reason for anyone to continue to bash her about it.

Nothing makes cheating ok, I never said it did. I wasn't giving excuses for it, I was giving reasons. Those reasons don't give her a free pass, but they do explain why. And that may be what her husband needs to know right now: why.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

No, in my opinion it would never be worth it on those conditions. If my husband was only willing to give me a second chance if I would fulfill some sexual fantasy of his I would end the marriage myself.

LOL - Putting yourself in the OP's shoes, if you were the one begging him to take you back, you have to be willing to accept his terms. What, you can sleep with whomever you like, but he gets nothing but an apology?

Not saying that I would accept this offer from my wife - but I might pretend to accept it and milk it for a while before I moved on...

 

[NY Disney fan]

You have no idea what caused her to make the choices she made. You sit at a screen and say "fix it or get a divorce". It is simply not always that easy.

"Easy or not Easy" is not the issue. Right and Wrong is the issue. Nobody on earth has an easy life or an easy marriage. My heart goes out to her husband and my heart goes out to her as well, but people need to stop looking for easy solutions and do what's right, which is not commit adultery. Doing the right thing hurts sometimes. Doing the right thing is painful. We all need to stop doing things that are easy and comfortable and start doing things that are morally right.

 

[hillview]

I read just the first page. I think you need to quit facebook (eg cancel your account) and any other mechanisms of contact. I think you need to give DH access to your cell records and your email account. I think you both need to go to counseling and then you need to go solo (maybe DH too).

Those are my ideas.
Good luck
/hillary

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Do you really consider a FB message cheating? I definately feel that she went against her own words and promises when she did that, and that it therefore is betrayal, but cheating???

She has betrayed his trust with the guy she had sex with in violation of her marriage vows.

I don't consider it physically cheating, but she started the process of emotionally cheating.

My DH is currently in therapy for emotionally cheating ( I am offering no details as it is personal, but emotionally cheating on a relationship CAN BE just as bad if not worse that physical cheating depending on the circumstances.)

Why the heck would ANYONE who got offered a second chance and successfully earned trust that they lost--go back to the very person that got them in trouble in the first place.

Perhaps it is a cultural difference, but her DH is rightfully upset for what she did.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

I have said it before and I will say it again:

There is no justification for cheating.

If her husband is cold and unloving, work on it, fix the problem or get a divorce.

If her husband is verbally abusive, work on it, fix the problem or get a divorce.

If there is a lot going on that we don't know about, work on it, fix the problem, or get a divorce.

Because, you see, if you work on it and fix the problem, then you've fixed the problem and there would be no need to seek solace elsewhere and compound your problem. If you get a divorce, then you are free to contact and date whomever you wish.

I don't claim to be perfect. I am quite far from it, as a matter-of-fact. But I can tell you with great certainty that being unfaithful to my marriage is not something that I would do. Because, you see, my theory is that it would say more about me than it would anyone else...that I am a person lacking in the ability to behave ethically.

Choosing to be unfaithful is not a mistake...it is a choice and it is a decision...a bad choice & a bad decision...no doubt about that. I think the sooner we, as a society, stop allowing people to hide behind calling their bad choices "mistakes" or "lapses in judgement" the better off we will be.

ITA! VERY good post!

 

[Freyja]

LOL - Putting yourself in the OP's shoes, if you were the one begging him to take you back, you have to be willing to accept his terms. What, you can sleep with whomever you like, but he gets nothing but an apology?

Not saying that I would accept this offer from my wife - but I might pretend to accept it and milk it for a while before I moved on...

Two wrongs don´t make one right. And wanting to save your marriage does not have to mean being willing to do WHAT EVER it takes.

She has betrayed his trust with the guy she had sex with in violation of her marriage vows.

I don't consider it physically cheating, but she started the process of emotionally cheating.

My DH is currently in therapy for emotionally cheating ( I am offering no details as it is personal, but emotionally cheating on a relationship CAN BE just as bad if not worse that physical cheating depending on the circumstances.)

Why the heck would ANYONE who got offered a second chance and successfully earned trust that they lost--go back to the very person that got them in trouble in the first place.

Perhaps it is a cultural difference, but her DH is rightfully upset for what she did.

Not a cultural difference at all. I totally understand her husband for being very upset. I would be too and don´t think I could ever forgive my husband for such a thing. I still don´t call it cheating. Maybe we really are just debating semantics.

 

[joyjoy]

Dude, I think you are on to something there. But the threesome would be the OP, her ex-boyfriend, and her husband.

Hey look, a smiley that actually works here:

Hahahahahhahaa!!!
Awesome.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Two wrongs don´t make one right. And wanting to save your marriage does not have to mean being willing to do WHAT EVER it takes...

Even if "whatever" is only what you did, yourself? What, are you too proud to allow him to do what you did? Do as I say, not as I do? This marital vow only applies to him while you are free to sow your wild oats in any field?

I don't disagree with your stance, but think that your stance is based on your not having cheated in the first place. If you cheat and he wants a night out in return, he is not being unreasonable - but your decision to say no based on some sense of morality or discretion (or whatever) would be ridiculous...

 

[Planogirl]

I think that you need to answer two questions:

1. Why did you contact the guy again? There has to be some reason that you haven't addressed.

2. Why did you post this on this board? You had to know what would happen if you did!

Best of luck to you.

 

[luvsJack]

"Easy or not Easy" is not the issue. Right and Wrong is the issue. Nobody on earth has an easy life or an easy marriage. My heart goes out to her husband and my heart goes out to her as well, but people need to stop looking for easy solutions and do what's right, which is not commit adultery. Doing the right thing hurts sometimes. Doing the right thing is painful. We all need to stop doing things that are easy and comfortable and start doing things that are morally right.

I agree. No one has an easy life or an easy marriage. What I am saying is that to say "fix it or get a divorce" is not taking into consideration all the other things that go along with that. Its just not that simple. People make bad choices--that is a simple truth. But there are a million and one things that will bring people to those choices. Bad choices are made out of desperation, out of fear, out of low feelings of self worth, the list goes on and on. The OP was wrong there is no way around that. She came here knowing she was wrong and she wants to fix it. It would be a wonderful world if we all started doing what is morally right, but I just don't believe we will ever see a world that perfect this side of Heaven.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Maybe we really are just debating semantics.

Perhaps--but if my DH was "dating" someone (he isn't--but suppose he is...) but they never slept together, I'm not sure it coudn't not be called cheating as he is engaging in all the stuff that goes with a relationship, but no kissing, caressing, or sex...

I mean there is a way to behave with "friends" and there is a way to not behave with "friends" and merely the absence of intercourse--I'm not sure that it requires intercourse to be cheating.

Her contact yesterday in and of itself may not have been "cheating"--but she could have been fishing...she could have said anything in that message.

We are not privvy to that. I do think though--for her relationship, her DH doesn't care one way or the other as she promised no contact and violated the trust.

So in the end it is just semantics and she is in big trouble no matter what we call it.

The key to the OP's recovery will be figuring out her intent and why she did what she did.

 

[Jennasis]

Not perfect at all. But in no way is her DH responsible for her cheating behavior. Even if he was beating her nightly, she could pick up and leave, or call the police. I have always maintained that there is NO ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE FOR CHEATING. If you're that unhappy, get help from a professional or do yourselves both a favor and end the relationship.





QUOTE]

I didn't say that her dh is responsible for her cheating, but there may be things he is doing or not doing that causes her to turn to another man. Most of the time cheating is the symptom of somthing else going on. There is something that she needs and is not getting from her husband. If you have never been in the situation she is in, you have no clue what you would do or if you would leave. She is obviously very unhappy. Maybe she feels herself unworthy. There are a billion reasons why this may be going on in her life. We don't know what her reasons are.

Oh but I have. I left my husband. NOT for another man, but because there was a serious problem. YES, the opportunity to be unfaithful did present itself, but I chose two things: first I dragged my ex to counseling kicking and screaming to try to address what was broken with our marriage (what I "wasn't getting from him".) when that failed, I left him.

 

[luvmy3]

I agree. No one has an easy life or an easy marriage. What I am saying is that to say "fix it or get a divorce" is not taking into consideration all the other things that go along with that. Its just not that simple. People make bad choices--that is a simple truth. But there are a million and one things that will bring people to those choices. Bad choices are made out of desperation, out of fear, out of low feelings of self worth, the list goes on and on. The OP was wrong there is no way around that. She came here knowing she was wrong and she wants to fix it. It would be a wonderful world if we all started doing what is morally right, but I just don't believe we will ever see a world that perfect this side of Heaven.

Okay, you make a good point but at what point does it become people just make bad choices because of things like selfishness, disrespect, feelings of entitlement, or just because they lack morals in general? How many times does one get away with making that bad choice, and think its okay because I can fix it (again)? Why should those people get *understanding* and support for their bad choices over and over again, especially when they don't seem to take into account the way their actions hurt others?


I think what the OP needs to figure out is if she wants to be married because she truly loves her husband and wants to spend the rest of her life loving only him or because she just fears going through a divorce and the unknown afterr that. Because if she is only wanting to fix her marriage because of her fear of being alone then she needs to do her hubby and herself a favor and just leave now.

 

[EthansMom]

I am so ashamed that I am not even bothering to post under another name. A few years ago I started an email relationship with an ex boyfriend. A year and a half ago when I was back home because my dad was in the hospital I met up with the guy. One thing led to another and I ended up cheating on my husband. I was ready to leave my husband. I ended up staying and we worked things out. Eventually he was able to start trusting me again. I promised that I would never contact him again. Yesterday I was stupid and sent the man a message through facebook. My husband found out last night. He told me to leave. I refused and he said he would leave. We talked and he said he would not leave last night. Today he said he would be home after work. But that doesn't mean he won't leave tomorrow or the next day. I've begged for my husband's forgiveness. Promised I would never do it again. Swore that he means the whole world to me. Begged him not to leave. I made an emergency appointment with our marriage counselor. I promised to go into individual counseling. I called this morning and left a message to set up an appointment. I've promised to never lie to him again. I need suggestion for what else I can do to try and make this better. I'm at a loss. Please help.

I'm not sure what to say to you. Your thread title is "I need to save my marriage" but if you felt that your marriage was worth saving, then what were you doing trying to contact the ex? What was it that you were looking for? And how far would you have gone if DH hadn't found out?

At this point, I'd say that whether or not you stay married is largely up to your husband. You've already messed up more than once. Most spouses would consider that to be the end of the marriage.

I think your best bet, if you honestly want to continue to be married, would be to convince your husband that you want to be committed to the marriage. Personally, I think you should offer to get off any social networking sites, seek professional help for the issues that are causing you to look for another relationship, and be willing to work to earn your husband's trust.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hand me a stone...

She doesn't need to 'save her marriage'....
She already threw that out the window and shattered it.

Just the idea that she screwed around on her husband, and then, again, is in contact with the other man... and she has the audacity to title this thread about what SHE needs. Like it is about what SHE needs and wants, after all she has done....

In all truthfullness, what she NEEDS is some serious professional help/counseling.

OP: this may sound like I am flaming you. But, what I am doing is giving you the best advice that I can. If you want a happy healthy relationship and a marriage in your life... Then, the only way you will find happiness is to address these issues.

 

[alexandria674]

Basically, you cheated and while most spouses would probably of divorced under those situations, your husband stayed and started to trust you again. I am not saying this could of been put behind you, but then again there was the chance of having a long and happy marriage.

However, you betrayed his trust once more and contacted the person you cheated with. I am sorry, but even if this message was the most innocent, it is still a betrayal of trust because you contacted the man you cheated on with. If you marriage was worth saving, then what were you doing contacting this other man? You did not think of your family only of yourself and it is time for you to pay the consequences. If you are not 100% behind this marriage, then let your husband find a woman who he can trust.

So, now what do you do? Ask yourself why you felt the need to contact this man. I think the problem of saving your marriage is out of your hands, it is in your husband's now and he has the choice to leave you or not. Your husband is most likely hurt and angry and he has every single right to be, but what can you do besides convince him that you still love him? Nothing, maybe counseling but seriously, he should have time by himself and figure if this marriage is worth saving because your past history doesn't look like you even want to save the marriage.

Why the heck did you contact the other guy?