I need to save my marriage

[jaminmd]

Others have flamed you and have offered "its too late you screwed up" type of advice, I will not and will give you some real advice.

First off, this is unconventional and I may get flamed for offering such advice, but sounds like your desperate and if you are desperate, this calls for desperate action that may work.

Say you will never cheat again, and offer to open up your marriage. Tell him you will go out with him once a month to help pick up another girl. Bring her back to your house/apartment and allow him to have fun with her (open marriage/swinger type of thing.)

Tell him, that if he wants you will help bring home other girls for as amount of time as he requires in order for you to stay together. It may work and show him that you are willing to go the extra mile to make it work and give him an incentive to do this. There are a lot of couples out there that do this or just in fact swing (one goes home with a strange girl, the other goes home with a strange man) but they do it together.

To make it a good deal for him, tell him you have no interest in getting together with other men, but this is strictly for his own enjoyment. This may work.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Others have flamed you and have offered "its too late you screwed up" type of advice, I will not and will give you some real advice.

First off, this is unconventional and I may get flamed for offering such advice, but sounds like your desperate and if you are desperate, this calls for desperate action that may work.

Say you will never cheat again, and offer to open up your marriage. Tell him you will go out with him once a month to help pick up another girl. Bring her back to your house/apartment and allow him to have fun with her (open marriage/swinger type of thing.)

Tell him, that if he wants you will help bring home other girls for as amount of time as he requires in order for you to stay together. It may work and show him that you are willing to go the extra mile to make it work and give him an incentive to do this. There are a lot of couples out there that do this or just in fact swing (one goes home with a strange girl, the other goes home with a strange man) but they do it together.

To make it a good deal for him, tell him you have no interest in getting together with other men, but this is strictly for his own enjoyment. This may work.

WTH?!

Please OP, do not follow this advice.

 

[SNylund]

Not perfect at all. But in no way is her DH responsible for her cheating behavior. Even if he was beating her nightly, she could pick up and leave, or call the police. I have always maintained that there is NO ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE FOR CHEATING. If you're that unhappy, get help from a professional or do yourselves both a favor and end the relationship.





No flames. Just fascination. HAs this approach worked for you or someone you know?

When I was single I knew couples that were swingers that it worked for them ( I do not know how much "trouble" their marriage(s) were in before) but it worked. I am now married and monogamous we don't do it. But it sounds like she was at the point of trying desperate measures or just giving up, this qualifies as a desperate measure and IMO could work.

I personally don't think it is good in ordinary circumstances, but this is not an ordinary circumstance.

Also, i wouldn't consider this revenge sex if she is participating and helping him to choose the other girl. This could add an excitement to their marriage that may entice him to stay in it. A lot of guys would like to live the Hugh Hefner lifestyle.

 

[luvsJack]

The OP posted why her marriage is need of saving and asked for advice on how she can do it. The very act of doing that is asking all who read it to judge her situation and judge her actions so that we can give her advce on what to do. We are all in judgement here, it doesn't matter whether we are here to give her positive or negative feedback. So, for those who think you aren't you might want to step off that high horse of yours.

Advice can be given without passing judgement. I am not perfect, I have made many mistakes in my life and I will not pass judgement on the OP. I do not know what brought her to this place in her life and neither does anyone else on this board. She asked what she can do, she never asked if she was wrong or unforgivable or if she screwed up--she already knew the answer to that.

 

[declansdad]

Ummm, many of the posteres gave no advice. They merely kicked.

I don't think we are going to agree. People have told her she was completely in the wrong and told her that she may not be able to save her marriage. That if it was them, they would have left. Sorry but I don't see that as kicking her simply because they are not sugar-coating their comments.

I'm curious to see if she comes back to the thread.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

There are so many things I want to say to help you, to help your husband but the truth is nothing I say will make any difference because this is so very personal. Stay together, full disclosure, begging, promises, divorce. Those all sound like things to do but what is truly in each of your hearts?

My dh cheated on my twice, with the same woman. We have been married 17 years and the decision to stay with him was never taken lightly and there are times where I am still so hurt and angry I don't know that it was the right decision. We struggle in our marriage and that could be because we got together so young and never really had the chance to grow up and experience other things.

Here are some thoughts your dh might have as I think of them so often:
- your dh won't know if your giving him full disclosure, he'll have to assume you are or trust you are and there isn't any trust so they are just words to him or just actions. So many things you can hide if you want to, I mean you manged it before. You can promise you won't do it again, but really what is that supposed to mean to him? Again promises are just words which you can take back at anytime when you chose to. You can tell him how much you love him and that you know you hurt him and your willing to do anything to make it better but what happens 6 months down the line when you begin to feel the pull from wanting something more and you settle back into the reality of everyday life? Again, just words.

I am not sure if this is even making sense to you because it truly is coming from the otherside of the fence - the side where your dh is standing. I know that I love my dh but love isn't what is keeping us together because love isn't enough after what he had done to me. What is keeping us together is our bond, our children and our desire to right both of our wrongs. I mean honestly it has taken 2 of us to get to this place in our marriage. I was depressed and unresponsive, he needed more than I wanted or cared to give and so he sought it elsewhere. My dh is incredibly selfish and felt that he needed what he needed so he's going to go get it. And he did. Twice. He shouldn't have cheated on me but he did and we can't take it back all we can do is move forward and we are 2 years past it. It is a long hard road we travel and there are no promises. I can't say he won't do it again - it might be a huge character flaw - well it is but it's true. I can say if he does it again - there are no 3rd chances. Three strikes and your out, if he's not out before. I mean this is hard, hard work and we slip back and forth all the time.

If your willing to do the crime, make sure to do the time and it's really up to your dh, the ball is in his court, as it should be. Know that together you can try but time will tell.

Good luck.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

When I was single I knew couples that were swingers that it worked for them ( I do not know how much "trouble" their marriage(s) were in before) but it worked. I am now married and monogamous we don't do it. But it sounds like she was at the point of trying desperate measures or just giving up, this qualifies as a desperate measure and IMO could work.

I personally don't think it is good in ordinary circumstances, but this is not an ordinary circumstance.

Also, i wouldn't consider this revenge sex if she is participating and helping him to choose the other girl. This could add an excitement to their marriage that may entice him to stay in it. A lot of guys would like to live the Hugh Hefner lifestyle.

Ok but that's totally different. If a couple swings so be it, that's not for me but I don't really care if they do. But it's not something you can just pick up mid relationship if it's going to work. I only know of 2 couples that it worked for and I mean really worked as in didn't later cause damage to the relationship. They were both in it for the long haul, were upfront from the beginning that it was what they wanted and it's a mutual, respected thing and the other partner knows everything up front.

In this case I just can't see it working and instead causing more issues. Again if he was up for that I don't think he would have taken the infidelity as bad.

Are there really that many men that want the hugh hefner lifestyle? I must live under a rock!

 

[N&B'smom]

There are so many things I want to say to help you, to help your husband but the truth is nothing I say will make any difference because this is so very personal. Stay together, full disclosure, begging, promises, divorce. Those all sound like things to do but what is truly in each of your hearts?

My dh cheated on my twice, with the same woman. We have been married 17 years and the decision to stay with him was never taken lightly and there are times where I am still so hurt and angry I don't know that it was the right decision. We struggle in our marriage and that could be because we got together so young and never really had the chance to grow up and experience other things.

Here are some thoughts your dh might have as I think of them so often:
- your dh won't know if your giving him full disclosure, he'll have to assume you are or trust you are and there isn't any trust so they are just words to him or just actions. So many things you can hide if you want to, I mean you manged it before. You can promise you won't do it again, but really what is that supposed to mean to him? Again promises are just words which you can take back at anytime when you chose to. You can tell him how much you love him and that you know you hurt him and your willing to do anything to make it better but what happens 6 months down the line when you begin to feel the pull from wanting something more and you settle back into the reality of everyday life? Again, just words.

I am not sure if this is even making sense to you because it truly is coming from the otherside of the fence - the side where your dh is standing. I know that I love my dh but love isn't what is keeping us together because love isn't enough after what he had done to me. What is keeping us together is our bond, our children and our desire to right both of our wrongs. I mean honestly it has taken 2 of us to get to this place in our marriage. I was depressed and unresponsive, he needed more than I wanted or cared to give and so he sought it elsewhere. My dh is incredibly selfish and felt that he needed what he needed so he's going to go get it. And he did. Twice. He shouldn't have cheated on me but he did and we can't take it back all we can do is move forward and we are 2 years past it. It is a long hard road we travel and there are no promises. I can't say he won't do it again - it might be a huge character flaw - well it is but it's true. I can say if he does it again - there are no 3rd chances. Three strikes and your out, if he's not out before. I mean this is hard, hard work and we slip back and forth all the time.

If your willing to do the crime, make sure to do the time and it's really up to your dh, the ball is in his court, as it should be. Know that together you can try but time will tell.

Good luck.

OP - I don't really know what advice to give you. WHY did you contact this man again???? For your marriage to work you have to completely 100% put that man out of your mind and out of your life forever. If you can't do that then you will not be able to save your marriage.

What would you do if the roles were reversed?? Would you forgive him TWICE!?!?!?

 

[luvsJack]

I don't think we are going to agree. People have told her she was completely in the wrong and told her that she may not be able to save her marriage. That if it was them, they would have left. Sorry but I don't see that as kicking her simply because they are not sugar-coating their comments.
I'm curious to see if she comes back to the thread.

I am curious to know how that (bolded part) is "giving advice". I would call it stating the obvious. She didn't ask one person if they would take her back, she merely asked what else she could do to save her marriage. Saying "you screwed up", "I would have left you the first time" or "you blew it" is NOT giving the advice she was asking for; its judging a situation you do not know enough about to judge.

 

[MomPOM]

I'm not judging you. Everyone does stupid things in their life. I don't condone it but frankly, it's not my place to tell you you're stupid, etc.

I think *YOU* need to figure out why the heck you contacted him the second time. Be really, truly honest with yourself. Either you have so little self esteem that you desperately needed his attention or you really don't want to be with your husband and can't own up to that and subconsciously knew this would be an "easy out". In either case, there doesn't really hold hope for your marriage. It boils down to what your husband wants to do. There isn't really much you can do at this point. He told you the deal and you broke it.

Was your marriage a happy one? This doesn't mean that blame has to be placed anywhere but if someone isn't happy they look for happiness somewhere else. Granted, you generally do this *after* splitting up but that's not always the case.

You need to decide what you want. Are you staying with your husband because it's safe and you're scared to leave him or do you really love him. I have to say I think it's the former because you wouldn't have contacted the ex knowing what it would do. There's some self-sabotaging behavior here and at minimum you need serious counseling.

I really wish you the best of luck in whatever happens. You both need happiness and peace in your lives and it's up to the two of you to decide how that comes about.

 

[SNylund]

WTH?!

Please OP, do not follow this advice.

I realize this approach probably ain't gonna be popular with most ladies on here, and that is understandable, but I betcha there are some dudes that would say send it up the flagpole and see if he salutes.

There are some that would say that the concept of a monogamous relationship is contrary to human nature and the way things were intended to be. Even in the bible, men had multiple wives in early times. Other cultures (even our own state of Utah) takes these approaches. I realize it is not a popular notion in most western cultures, (especially with western women) but Hugh Hefner's pulling it off.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Are there really that many men that want the hugh hefner lifestyle? I must live under a rock!

Most men that I know...

 

[MomPOM]

I'm not judging you. Everyone does stupid things in their life. I don't condone it but frankly, it's not my place to tell you you're stupid, etc.

I think *YOU* need to figure out why the heck you contacted him the second time. Be really, truly honest with yourself. Either you have so little self esteem that you desperately needed his attention or you really don't want to be with your husband and can't own up to that and subconsciously knew this would be an "easy out". In either case, there doesn't really hold hope for your marriage. It boils down to what your husband wants to do. There isn't really much you can do at this point. He told you the deal and you broke it.

Was your marriage a happy one? This doesn't mean that blame has to be placed anywhere but if someone isn't happy they look for happiness somewhere else. Granted, you generally do this *after* splitting up but that's not always the case.

You need to decide what you want. Are you staying with your husband because it's safe and you're scared to leave him or do you really love him. I have to say I think it's the former because you wouldn't have contacted the ex knowing what it would do. There's some self-sabotaging behavior here and at minimum you need serious counseling.

I really wish you the best of luck in whatever happens. You both need happiness and peace in your lives and it's up to the two of you to decide how that comes about.

 

[luvsJack]

Thats when you get a divorce, not a boyfriend.

Would you really be offering this same advice to a man who cheated on his wife?

Yes, I would. In fact I have.

 

[Freyja]

Desperate situations can call for desperate actions. If he is already on the way out the door, this may be a last ditch effort to keep him. If she really wants to keep him, its a method. I seriously doubt if the typical repetition of promises is going to work at this point, she'll have to take some type of drastic action. This could work. I realize its unconventional, but we do accept Hugh Hefner in this world, if her letting him live that lifestyle for a while saves the marriage then its worth it, isn't it?

No, in my opinion it would never be worth it on those conditions. If my husband was only willing to give me a second chance if I would fulfill some sexual fantasy of his I would end the marriage myself.

 

[NY Disney fan]

. Everyone does stupid things in their life.

This is important for EVERYONE to remember. Nobody is above anybody else. I sure have done my share of "stupid." I have cheated on past relationships and I have been cheated on. Bad karma had taken up residence in my living room in the past. Everyone should realize that not only are we imperfect but we have the chance to be restored by our good actions and thoughts.

 

[SNylund]

Ok but that's totally different. If a couple swings so be it, that's not for me but I don't really care if they do. But it's not something you can just pick up mid relationship if it's going to work. I only know of 2 couples that it worked for and I mean really worked as in didn't later cause damage to the relationship. They were both in it for the long haul, were upfront from the beginning that it was what they wanted and it's a mutual, respected thing and the other partner knows everything up front.

In this case I just can't see it working and instead causing more issues. Again if he was up for that I don't think he would have taken the infidelity as bad.

Are there really that many men that want the hugh hefner lifestyle? I must live under a rock!

I can guarantee you there are a lot more out there that would not admit it, many that would if they were being honest. If you asked your husband he is not going to say, yeah would love to be Hugh Hefner for he would know what the consequences would be which is a sock in the face and/or quick exit by you. But I know tons of guys that would love to live like that. Maybe not forever, but at least for a period of time, but don't have the resources to do so. There are many multi millionaires that do just this, Hugh Hefner is just the most visible one.

Not that I am one of those people, I have sown my wild oats so to speak and do not need that, but lots of men are very into it.

BTW to explain, this is different than swinging, SHE would not participate with any other men, it would be all her and him and another girl type of thing. Different than swinging which is both do their own thing with the opposite sex.

 

[luvsJack]

Not perfect at all. But in no way is her DH responsible for her cheating behavior. Even if he was beating her nightly, she could pick up and leave, or call the police. I have always maintained that there is NO ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE FOR CHEATING. If you're that unhappy, get help from a professional or do yourselves both a favor and end the relationship.





QUOTE]

I didn't say that her dh is responsible for her cheating, but there may be things he is doing or not doing that causes her to turn to another man. Most of the time cheating is the symptom of somthing else going on. There is something that she needs and is not getting from her husband. If you have never been in the situation she is in, you have no clue what you would do or if you would leave. She is obviously very unhappy. Maybe she feels herself unworthy. There are a billion reasons why this may be going on in her life. We don't know what her reasons are.

 

[luvmy3]

This is important for EVERYONE to remember. Nobody is above anybody else. I sure have done my share of "stupid." I have cheated on past relationships and I have been cheated on. Bad karma had taken up residence in my living room in the past. Everyone should realize that not only are we imperfect but we have the chance to be restored by our good actions and thoughts.

Is anyone here claiming they are perfect or haven't made mistakes? I must have missed it if they did.
With regards to the OP, she admitted making a huge mistake not once but twice. Most people learn from them the first time, but when a *mistake* happens twice its no longer a mistake, its a deliberate act IMO.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I can guarantee you there are a lot more out there that would not admit it, many that would if they were being honest. If you asked your husband he is not going to say, yeah would love to be Hugh Hefner for he would know what the consequences would be which is a sock in the face and/or quick exit by you. But I know tons of guys that would love to live like that. Maybe not forever, but at least for a period of time, but don't have the resources to do so. There are many multi millionaires that do just this, Hugh Hefner is just the most visible one.

Not that I am one of those people, I have sown my wild oats so to speak and do not need that, but lots of men are very into it.

BTW to explain, this is different than swinging, SHE would not participate with any other men, it would be all her and him and another girl type of thing. Different than swinging which is both do their own thing with the opposite sex.

I can, with conviction, tell you that my husband would not be interested. While he is a healthy male with a healthy sexual appetite, family, love, and his children's security all come before sex.