I need to save my marriage

[wdwfan16]

Unless you are clairvoyant or have had communication with the OP outside of this thread, you do not know this.

Yes I am and I already knew you would post this.

 

[diznygirl]

Yes I am and I already knew you would post this.

The fact is that she promised not to have any contact with her ex, and she initiated contact. She broke her promise to her husband. Again. She needs to do some serious groveling, cuz her husband has every right not to trust her anymore.

 

[luvmy3]

I agree. A message, in and of itself, is not cheating.

Given the OP's history with that person, it is almost certainly a betrayal of a promise that she made to her husband, but if she didn't in some way 'come on' to her ex in the email, it wasn't cheating.

I have an ex something or other that my wife would definitely not want me to be hanging out with, but there are many, many emails that I could send her that would not be considered 'cheating'. Every one of these would serve to hurt my wife (including "Here's a pic of our new baby. Hope you and your husband are doing well"), so I don't contact her. Still, sending the email would not be cheating.

I would consider it cheating because it was a man she had an affair with. She promised her dh she wouldn't contact him ever again and she did. To me that means her relationship with him is not over (or she doesn't want it to be over). If this was my spouse, that would be cheating, it really doesn't matter if they weren't physically intimate.
It certainly would be different if she just emailed an old friend, even an old boyfriend to say hi, but that is not what happened.


What is so sad, is that this is hardly the first I've heard of people cheating because they found an old flame on FB. Why the heck can't you people control yourselves

 

[Disney Doll]

The only thing that was missing was the advice to clean out the bank accounts.

I'd advise her husband to do that, not her.

And actually, my usual "cheating spouse" post is not to clean out the bank accounts, but to get a handle on finances, know what you have in terms of savings, retirement, investments etc., make a copy of everything, and, if you really feel it necessary, take 1/2 the money from the bank account.

 

[dairyou]

I'm sure before this mistake you've been tempted to contact him. How many times have you clicked on his FB account prior to this?

I do feel bad because we're humans and we all make mistakes but please try to figure out why you're still not happy enough in your marriage to have this urge with you're ex boyfriend.

Deb

 

[FireDancer]

I maintain that your jumping to conclusions as to the OP's motivations is off-topic and unhelpful.

The motivation doesn't matter. Contacting someone you cheated with after saying you would never contact him again is a breach of trust. Even if the intention was just to say hi it is a breach of trust.

 

[JCJRSmith]

I am so ashamed that I am not even bothering to post under another name. A few years ago I started an email relationship with an ex boyfriend. A year and a half ago when I was back home because my dad was in the hospital I met up with the guy. One thing led to another and I ended up cheating on my husband. I was ready to leave my husband. I ended up staying and we worked things out. Eventually he was able to start trusting me again. I promised that I would never contact him again. Yesterday I was stupid and sent the man a message through facebook. My husband found out last night. He told me to leave. I refused and he said he would leave. We talked and he said he would not leave last night. Today he said he would be home after work. But that doesn't mean he won't leave tomorrow or the next day. I've begged for my husband's forgiveness. Promised I would never do it again. Swore that he means the whole world to me. Begged him not to leave. I made an emergency appointment with our marriage counselor. I promised to go into individual counseling. I called this morning and left a message to set up an appointment. I've promised to never lie to him again. I need suggestion for what else I can do to try and make this better. I'm at a loss. Please help.

OP, if you make it this far thru the replies and see this message, my hope for you is that you and your husband can find some level of peace that makes things right for each of you. Maybe that will be together, maybe not. Be prepared for the very real possibility that your marriage irrevocably damaged and over.

From your screen name, you have at least one child. For James' sake, if your marriage is over, please, please, please, please work it out with your husband that NEITHER of you will ever bad mouth the other to your child(ren).

Regardless, best of luck to you both.

 

[PinkRhombus]

Unless you are clairvoyant or have had communication with the OP outside of this thread, you do not know this.

Uh....per the OP:

Eventually he was able to start trusting me again. I promised that I would never contact him again. Yesterday I was stupid and sent the man a message through facebook. QUOTE]


Obviously she doesn't care about her husband and her marriage more than she feels like she needs to contact this man.

Her husband set out ground rules for taking her back and she blew it.

Sorry if the OP can't hear my tiny violin.

 

[sbell111]

Uh....per the OP:

Eventually he was able to start trusting me again. I promised that I would never contact him again. Yesterday I was stupid and sent the man a message through facebook.

Obviously she doesn't care about her husband and her marriage more than she feels like she needs to contact this man.

Her husband set out ground rules for taking her back and she blew it.

Sorry if the OP can't hear my tiny violin.

The bit that you posted from the OP did not speak to her intentions. What is 'obvious' to you may not be an accurate reflection of the OP's intentions at the time that she sent the email.

 

[ilovemonk]

Lots of "strangers" on the Dis have gone through the same or at least very similar situation and can therefore offer advice. ...

Really??? Maybe jamesmommy and many others can learn from this experience. Put your famiyl first not some online board or internet social site.

Good luck to you, jamesmommy.

 

[BellvilleDad]

I agree. If your marriage means that much to you you would have never sent the Facebook message. I don't blame your husband at all. He gave you another chance, you blew it. Sorry.

Agreed, but you wouldn't have gotten the first second-chance from me. My first wife had the same "problem". I solved it.

 

[declansdad]

I'm constantly amazed at how much the people on this forum relish tearing each other down.

Here's the thing: This is an internet forum. When people ask for our advice, they are asking for advice on their situation. When we drag our own pathetic issues into the mix, we help no one.

There is absolutely no reason to beat the OP up. She knows that she screwed up. She knows that it may have destroyed her marriage.

If you have helpful advice as to how she can fix her problem, share it, but we ought not be so quick to tear a member of our community to shreds.

It amazes me that the moderating team and the community at large has allowed half the posts in this thread to blatantly violate the guidelines.

No one has said anything that isn't true or anything that she hasn't admitted to. She has received advice so I wouldn't worried about her too much if I were you.

I think she has received much tamer treatment that if she had have been a man or if she had have stated that it was her husband that cheated and she was looking for advice. In the past, the cheating man was berated to the ends of the earth.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Very insightful, and something that I had not considered.

To the OP - I hope that this is not true. If it is, you do not deserve his trust. This post would only represent another lie, and another attempt to manipulate your husband. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this sounds a little too fishy.

To the OP's husband (if you read this) - Don't accept her plea on this board as the truth. Seek it in her actions, not her words...

To the OP's husband she is upset because she was caught and will probably do it again. I can't see the marriage surviving but don't go make her go why should the whole family be split apart for this. She can always see the kids every other weekend like any man who splits a marriage because of cheating.

 

[AntePrincess]

JamesMommy, I hope you realize that, now that you've aired your dirty laundry under your usual nickname, your child(ren) will see it someday. Have you once thought about your kids in this whole fiasco? What about your respective families, coworkers, and friends? You've found a very convenient way to throw humiliation on top of the injury you've done your husband. I hope that no one ever thinks to look you up or some sweet mod-fairy floats through the internet someday deleting all such embarrassing threads.

 

[iheartnmr's]

Lots of "strangers" on the Dis have gone through the same or at least very similar situation and can therefore offer advice. You don´t always need to know people and their families personally in order to be able to offer advice or support. People walk into AA meeting and get tons of support and advice from complete strangers. Marriage counselors are usually complete strangers too.

On another note, why so people keep telling her (and other moms on these boards) to stop thinking about their needs? Yes, you should put your children needs infront of your own, but I can´t see how parents who disregard their own needs completely can make for good parents or role models.

Not when your needs constitute breaking your marriage vows.

 

[ChrizJen]

OP, I'm sorry to say this, but I agree with many of the other posters here. Unfortunately, you should have sought counselling before you made the move to contact the old boyfriend again. I can't pretend to know your circumstances, or what might have drawn you to do what you did. You were lucky enough to be given a second chance, and for whatever reason you blew it. It sounds to me like deep down on some subconscious level, you want your marriage to be over. Otherwise, why the destructive behavior?

Trust is like a fine piece of china. It's a very delicate thing. When someone gives it, you have to take very good care not to shatter it. You were lucky enough to mend your DH's trust the first time you broke it. Call it super glue, call it what you want. The problem with that mended trust is that the cracks are always going to show. There will always be weak spots in that trust where it was broken before. YOU had it within your power to protect those weak spots in your DH's trust by being faithful. Unfortunately, you dropped it. It's shattered and it may be beyond super glue this time...

Good luck in whatever happens, OP. I do sincerely hope that you get the outcome you truly want. And once you do, I hope this can truly be a lesson learned.

 

[sbell111]

JamesMommy, I hope you realize that, now that you've aired your dirty laundry under your usual nickname, your child(ren) will see it someday. Have you once thought about your kids in this whole fiasco? What about your respective families, coworkers, and friends? You've found a very convenient way to throw humiliation on top of the injury you've done your husband. I hope that no one ever thinks to look you up or some sweet mod-fairy floats through the internet someday deleting all such embarrassing threads.

Her son is seven. Why would she share her nik with him?

That being said, I do think that the best outcome regarding this thread is for TPTB to delete it.

 

[Freyja]

[/B]


Not when your needs constitute breaking your marriage vows.

Of course not. I never said that my statement applied to such situations and if you read my first reply to the OP you would know that I don´t believe she can save her marriage. My comment was in reply to those who keep saying that once you have children your own needs don´t matter anymore.

 

[Freyja]

Her son is seven. Why would she share her nik with him?

And why should people be able to figure out to whom the nick belongs to? I post on various message boards and don´t have the same nick on any of them. I´m very open about my persona on this board but there are other boards where I make sure nobody can trace who I am.

 

[TinklednPants]

If it were me I'd say SEE YA!