I need to save my marriage

[ericamanda01]

Your a cheater and a liar according to your own admission. If you think your husband is so wonderful that you want your marriage to work then perhaps he deserves to be happy with someone who understands what it means to NOT cheat and lie! I'm sorry, I have no sympathy for you. As someone who has been cheated on I don't see how anyone would stay with a cheater. Cheat on me once and it's over. You were lucky and got a second chance, you screwed up now I suggest you find a lawyer.

 

[LoraJ]

I just don't think there is anything to fix. She had her second chance and she blew it. I agree about how it sucks that people tear each other down, but sometimes people need to see the reality of their actions. Telling her everything is okay and going to work out is not actually helpful when it doesn't meet the reality of the situation. There are probably better ways to word things though.

My advice to the OP is what others have stated. Seek counseling to find out why you contacted the ex knowing it was a betrayal and would destroy her husband.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

No sympathy from me either! Only a ton of sympathy for your husband OP it seems to me that what you're most upset about is getting caught! If your poor husband hadn't found out you'd made contact again with this man then how far would it have gone this time?

Pack your stuff - go find this other man as that's obviously what you want - and let your poor husband try to pick up the pieces of being cheated on twice.

 

[Freyja]

No sympathy from me either! Only a ton of sympathy for your husband OP it seems to me that what you're most upset about is getting caught! If your poor husband hadn't found out you'd made contact again with this man then how far would it have gone this time?

Pack your stuff - go find this other man as that's obviously what you want - and let your poor husband try to pick up the pieces of being cheated on twice.

Do you really consider a FB message cheating? I definately feel that she went against her own words and promises when she did that, and that it therefore is betrayal, but cheating???

 

[KAMKIM]

Do you really consider a FB message cheating? I definately feel that she went against her own words and promises when she did that, and that it therefore is betrayal, but cheating???[/QUOTE

I personally consider betrayal to be cheating.

 

[iheartnmr's]

I'm constantly amazed at how much the people on this forum relish tearing each other down.

Here's the thing: This is an internet forum. When people ask for our advice, they are asking for advice on their situation. When we drag our own pathetic issues into the mix, we help no one.

There is absolutely no reason to beat the OP up. She knows that she screwed up. She knows that it may have destroyed her marriage.

If you have helpful advice as to how she can fix her problem, share it, but we ought not be so quick to tear a member of our community to shreds.
It amazes me that the moderating team and the community at large has allowed half the posts in this thread to blatantly violate the guidelines.

No one here can offer her helpful advice. This is up to her already very patient and forgiving husband. What are a bunch of internet strangers going to do. We don't know her or her family. All we know is she's a lying cheat and he's been hurt yet again, even if no physical contact occurred the second time. She's a mom (by her user name) so maybe she should stop thinking about her needs and start putting her families ahead of her own.

If by some miracle, this guy wants to keep his family together, I say to the OP, you have a stand-up guy there. Don't screw it up again and you better know for certain that the trust he's lost in you will never be fully regained.

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

Do you really consider a FB message cheating? I definately feel that she went against her own words and promises when she did that, and that it therefore is betrayal, but cheating???

I think it depends on what she said and why she did it. No matter what she said or why, it was betrayal but there are definitely some thing she could have said that would be cheating.

 

[Carly_Roach]

No one here can offer her helpful advice.

I agree. The only thing she will get here is a stoning.

OP, the answers you seek are within yourself. I wish you all the best of luck in the future.

 

[Subrbnmommy]

Are you sure you really want to save your marriage? Why did you cheat in the first place? Why did you contact the guy on FB - it's FB!!, you must've known that your husband was going to find out sooner or later...

 

[sbell111]

Do you really consider a FB message cheating? I definately feel that she went against her own words and promises when she did that, and that it therefore is betrayal, but cheating???

I agree. A message, in and of itself, is not cheating.

Given the OP's history with that person, it is almost certainly a betrayal of a promise that she made to her husband, but if she didn't in some way 'come on' to her ex in the email, it wasn't cheating.

I have an ex something or other that my wife would definitely not want me to be hanging out with, but there are many, many emails that I could send her that would not be considered 'cheating'. Every one of these would serve to hurt my wife (including "Here's a pic of our new baby. Hope you and your husband are doing well"), so I don't contact her. Still, sending the email would not be cheating.

 

[tlens]

I consider the facebook message cheating. The first time she cheated it begun through email. You can cheat on someone emotionally as well as physically. But it doesn't really matter what we think. Her husand think's it's tantamount to cheating so really, in her marriage, it is.

 

[Freyja]

No one here can offer her helpful advice. This is up to her already very patient and forgiving husband. What are a bunch of internet strangers going to do. We don't know her or her family. All we know is she's a lying cheat and he's been hurt yet again, even if no physical contact occurred the second time. She's a mom (by her user name) so maybe she should stop thinking about her needs and start putting her families ahead of her own.

If by some miracle, this guy wants to keep his family together, I say to the OP, you have a stand-up guy there. Don't screw it up again and you better know for certain that the trust he's lost in you will never be fully regained.

Lots of "strangers" on the Dis have gone through the same or at least very similar situation and can therefore offer advice. You don´t always need to know people and their families personally in order to be able to offer advice or support. People walk into AA meeting and get tons of support and advice from complete strangers. Marriage counselors are usually complete strangers too.

On another note, why so people keep telling her (and other moms on these boards) to stop thinking about their needs? Yes, you should put your children needs infront of your own, but I can´t see how parents who disregard their own needs completely can make for good parents or role models.

 

[FireDancer]

If you were my wife it would have been over when you cheated, that is something I would neither do nor forgive, ever. If I did somehow forgive you and you contacted the person again, not matter how innocent, it would be over then and there. There are some deal breakers for me, and this is on the top of the list.

The issue isn't that you contacted someone via Facebook, I have contacted many exes through it. The problem is that you contacted a person you said you would never contact again. If you had never cheated and you husband left you over a Facebook message I would say he has jealousy or trust issues. This is not the same as contacting someone you had an affair with. Even if the FB message was completely benign it is still contact with someone you cheated with. FB is a communication medium, just like a phone call, letter, or face to face conversation. If someone calls, writes to or meets up with an ex and says the exact same thing as what was posted on FB it would be viewed as a betrayal, why not on FB? It isn't the fact a message was sent, it is that a message was sent to someone the OP had an affair with after she said she would never contact him again.

There is nothing wrong with being friends with an ex if you are open, honest, and trustworthy. You are obviously none of those by your own admission.

On another note, why so people keep telling her (and other moms on these boards) to stop thinking about their needs? Yes, you should put your children needs infront of your own, but I can´t see how parents who disregard their own needs completely can make for good parents or role models.

I would never say stay in a bad or unhappy marriage. My parents did for years and the kids will know something is wrong. If you want out get out, but do not cheat. Once the marriage is over you can go find all the exes you want, but until the divorce is final there is no excuse for cheating.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

Do you really consider a FB message cheating? I definately feel that she went against her own words and promises when she did that, and that it therefore is betrayal, but cheating???

In isolation a message on facebook is not cheating...however bearing in mind that the man she sent a message to is someone who she previously DID cheat with and who she made contact with on that occasion via facebook then YES i do consider it cheating. What are the reasons for INITIATING contact with someone she has cheated with previously? She may not have physically jumped into bed with the guy but her motives were not innocent. She made promises to her husband which she broke as soon as she hit the send button. I maintain that she is upset because she got CAUGHT before it got to the physical bits on this occasion!

 

[shortbun]

OP, I think you really need to do some soul searching. If I were your husband, I would feel that you had cheated again. Had it JUST been a facebook message with no prior contact-that would have been a totally different thing but you had already cheated with your ex-boyfriend so further contact would be considered 'cheating.' Yep, see a counselor immediately both together and alone. Ask your husband to give you some time and to take some time to be sure that he is taking the action he wants to take rather than making a knee jerk reaction. Erase all memories, curiosity, temptation about your ex-boyfriend from you head/life/universe -now and forever. You must ask yourself why.
Perhaps you need more from your husband but right now you'll need to work very hard just to keep him from leaving. Good luck.

 

[Disney Doll]

What can you do to save your marriage?

Let's see...

You can mean what you say when you say you'll never contact your "paramour" again.

You can ask your husband what he needs, which, quite frankly, is more important than what you need at this point, since you're the one who seems to keep making the bad choices & screwing up your marriage.

You can beg his forgiveness and hope he decides to try and keep his family together for the sake of his children.

You can speak to the individual counselor (in addition to your marriage counselor) to figure out what it is that has made you do the same stupid thing a second time.

You can put your children's well-being before your own and start thinking of how your stupid choices affect them.

And, if your post is an attempt to manipulate the situation (as a PP suggested) by hoping you'll be able to say "Well, I tried to work it out. I was willing to do anything"...don't waste your time or ours.

And if your post was an attempt to see if a "cheating woman" post would get the same response as a "cheating man" post...well, I guess you got your answer. It would.

 

[wdwfan16]

Do you really consider a FB message cheating? I definately feel that she went against her own words and promises when she did that, and that it therefore is betrayal, but cheating???

In this case yes. She was not to have any contact and then she initiated contact. Her intentions were far more than just saying "Hi".

 

[momrek06]

I am sorry, OP, but I really feel that you cannot be trusted. I am sounding harsh but you proved it yourself. If you really loved your DH (as it appears he loves you very much as he was able to forgive you once) you would never have sent that FB message to your ex. Your ex seemed to have moved on but you started it all over again with the ex. I think you need to get some advice (therapy) to help you deal with what you have done to your life and to your DH. I find it pretty amazing that your DH forgave you and was willing to try to make the relationship/marriage work AND then you and FB.

 

[sbell111]

What can you do to save your marriage?

Let's see...

You can mean what you say when you say you'll never contact your "paramour" again.

You can ask your husband what he needs, which, quite frankly, is more important than what you need at this point, since you're the one who seems to keep making the bad choices & screwing up your marriage.

You can beg his forgiveness and hope he decides to try and keep his family together for the sake of his children.

You can speak to the individual counselor (in addition to your marriage counselor) to figure out what it is that has made you do the same stupid thing a second time.

You can put your children's well-being before your own and start thinking of how your stupid choices affect them.

And, if your post is an attempt to manipulate the situation (as a PP suggested) by hoping you'll be able to say "Well, I tried to work it out. I was willing to do anything"...don't waste your time or ours.

There's alot of good advice in this post.

Bottom line is that the OP has to somehow work on fixing herself at the same time as she regains some amount of footing with her husband. Any problems with her husband are way down the list right now (even if they somehow triggered the OP's behavior).

And if your post was an attempt to see if a "cheating woman" post would get the same response as a "cheating man" post...well, I guess you got your answer. It would.

The only thing that was missing was the advice to clean out the bank accounts.

 

[sbell111]

In this case yes. She was not to have any contact and then she initiated contact. Her intentions were far more than just saying "Hi".

Unless you are clairvoyant or have had communication with the OP outside of this thread, you do not know this.