Another family issue

[iheartdisney]

Worse than imagining how DH would feel if one of his parents died...
How will YOU and your DH feel in 12 years when your DS is an adult and finds out the reason he didn't have a Granny anymore is because my adults- including his parents- couldn't put on their big boy pants.

Oh and I don't find the wedding thing strange either. I wouldn't go to the wedding of the child of a friend if I had problems with the groom. In what universe is that horrible? Sounds normal to me.

 

[jennyjinx3]

Maybe I have a biased perspective since I also have a younger sibling that is needy and my parents have favored, but if I were the op's husband - I would NOT be the first to make a move. The parents sending a card signed "from Mum and Dad" would not look like a "Hey, let's make up" signal to me. They could write on the card or better yet, they could call him at work and apologize for their childish behavior.

The parents chose to make the op's dh the bad guy. They told him that HE needed to fix things with the brother and told HIM that HE was not welcome. They did choose sides over a really stupid argument. My dh puts our family first - not his siblling, not his parents and that's the way it should be. If the brother wants to break up the family over an argument over "boys weekend", he's an idiot and the parents are doubly so for siding with him.

I completely agree

 

[Magic Mom]

While I agree that the cards shouldn't be sent back, I find this funny. People say sending back the card would be hurtful to the inlaws, yet seem to think that the inlaws getting involved in returning unopened presents to the OP and her husband was a good thing.



While we don't know the whole story, it seems to me that the inlaws have gone out of their way to blame and hurt the OP and her husband for something that they shouldn't have taken sides on in the first place. I totally get why a card with "happy birthday" written on it wouldn't be treasured as a loving gesture.

I never mentioned the cards, yet you quoted me. But I'll respond anyway. The BIL refusing the gifts was hateful, and the OP refusing the cards was hateful. The inlaws returning the gifts may have been hateful, or they may have thought they were doing the right thing. Perhaps they felt weird keeping the wrapped gifts in the closet, but couldn't bring themselves to throw away perfectly good merchandise that could be returned by the OP. They may have thought they were doing the right thing by returning it.

 

[jennyjinx3]

OP, you are being a little attacked here, but if people knew OUR whole story they would not believe it either. There are those that would say that there must be more to the story too. In our case it is a one time small incident too that changed everything.
Some IL's want to either be controlling or are way too involved with one of the siblings, or both in our case. For those saying you should reach out, we did this many time with MIL, and she stated she "doesn't want to make things right" She feels that when she wants to "discipline" our kids, I won't like it, and she doesn't want to have to answer to me??? BTW I have never been anything but respectful to her.
You are obviously frustrated enough to reach out. Just don't let the drama ruin your marriage or stress you out enough that you think of this everyday. You cannot change people, only your reactions to their behavior. I am not advocating cutting off family, but you have to do what is right for your family.
For what it is worth, I'll tell you again that I understand.

 

[declansdad]

OP, you are being a little attacked here, but if people knew OUR whole story they would not believe it either. There are those that would say that there must be more to the story too. In our case it is a one time small incident too that changed everything.
Some IL's want to either be controlling or are way too involved with one of the siblings, or both in our case. For those saying you should reach out, we did this many time with MIL, and she stated she "doesn't want to make things right" She feels that when she wants to "discipline" our kids, I won't like it, and she doesn't want to have to answer to me??? BTW I have never been anything but respectful to her.
You are obviously frustrated enough to reach out. Just don't let the drama ruin your marriage or stress you out enough that you think of this everyday. You cannot change people, only your reactions to their behavior. I am not advocating cutting off family, but you have to do what is right for your family.
For what it is worth, I'll tell you again that I understand.

Many posters are saying the parents have all ready reached out to them with the cards and now it is time for them to reach back and try to work this.

 

[ols386]

OP, you are being a little attacked here, but if people knew OUR whole story they would not believe it either. There are those that would say that there must be more to the story too. In our case it is a one time small incident too that changed everything.
Some IL's want to either be controlling or are way too involved with one of the siblings, or both in our case. For those saying you should reach out, we did this many time with MIL, and she stated she "doesn't want to make things right" She feels that when she wants to "discipline" our kids, I won't like it, and she doesn't want to have to answer to me??? BTW I have never been anything but respectful to her.
You are obviously frustrated enough to reach out. Just don't let the drama ruin your marriage or stress you out enough that you think of this everyday. You cannot change people, only your reactions to their behavior. I am not advocating cutting off family, but you have to do what is right for your family.
For what it is worth, I'll tell you again that I understand.

This works both ways of course.

Sometimes it's the IL parents who want to control, and sometimes it's the IL daughter or son who marry into the family.

In this particular situation, it sounds like it goes both ways. So, not a good situation.

I think the op probably has her answer by now. If the dh doesn't want to reconcile, and the parents haven't exactly reached out enough at this point in time, then let the card thing go. It's between the dh and his parents if they reconcile or not. And if they don't, it's sad for the op's son AND the dh.

 

[cari12]

On the surface this may seem petty BUT it might have just been the straw that broke the camels back. Only your family knows what the background factors were.

OP, if you husband feels strongly all you can do is support him. If he chooses not to allow contact to your son then again you support him.

As for the card, pitch it or if you want to make a statement send it back unopened. Personally since your son has no contact why have him open a card from strangers?

If you truly don't want contact ever than he will eventually forget about them and that will be that. When he is 18 he can choose to seek them out if he wants but until then leave it alone.

I agree with most of this. Ultimately it is up to your DH and what sort of relationship, if any, he wants with his family.
I get where OP is coming from and this petty incident may have just been the last straw. DH and I have a similar situation with his family right now and the last straw would be seen as a petty issue. The problem is, DH's Mom has shown favoritism his whole life and the incident was just one more example that made us decide we deserve to be treated better than that. To be treated as worth less within a family really hurts and is toxic to how we feel about ourselves. We have chosen to not be treated that way anymore which means little or no contact with the IL's.

 

[cari12]

Many posters are saying the parents have all ready reached out to them with the cards and now it is time for them to reach back and try to work this.

But are they reaching out or just doing what would be expected to keep up appearances?

 

[luvmy3]

I understand that there are two sides to every story and that the OP is probably not without some culpability in this.

However, I'm sort of appalled that so many people think that parents saying to one child "you are welcome in our home UNLESS our other child comes and then you need to be the one to leave so he will feel comfortable." is perfectly reasonable.

I certainly don't think that is reasonable at all, and at the same time it seems like they are trying to make amends, or at least make contact on the road of amends.

But are they reaching out or just doing what would be expected to keep up appearances?

If the OP's dh doesn't reach out, maybe they will never know.

 

[jennyjinx3]

But are they reaching out or just doing what would be expected to keep up appearances?

Good point

 

[declansdad]

But are they reaching out or just doing what would be expected to keep up appearances?

And no one will ever know as long as the OP continues to look for excuses to blame everything on the other side.

 

[Mkrop]

OP, you are being a little attacked here, but if people knew OUR whole story they would not believe it either. There are those that would say that there must be more to the story too. In our case it is a one time small incident too that changed everything.
Some IL's want to either be controlling or are way too involved with one of the siblings, or both in our case. For those saying you should reach out, we did this many time with MIL, and she stated she "doesn't want to make things right" She feels that when she wants to "discipline" our kids, I won't like it, and she doesn't want to have to answer to me??? BTW I have never been anything but respectful to her.
You are obviously frustrated enough to reach out. Just don't let the drama ruin your marriage or stress you out enough that you think of this everyday. You cannot change people, only your reactions to their behavior. I am not advocating cutting off family, but you have to do what is right for your family.
For what it is worth, I'll tell you again that I understand.

You know she may feel attacked but at one point in time, these same ILs were watching their DS for them. So at that time they were good enough bc the OP and her DH needed them. If they were toxic then, then fine be done with them, but if they werent and it is this one blowup over GOLF, then they all need to take step back and realize they are hurting the kids by not letting them know their GPs, their uncle and their cousins.

But are they reaching out or just doing what would be expected to keep up appearances?

Who the heck would know that they are sending cards???? If they are trying to impress their friends, they could just lie and said they sent cards, the fact that they are actualling sending them speaks volumes!

 

[becpee]

You know she may feel attacked but at one point in time, these same ILs were watching their DS for them. So at that time they were good enough bc the OP and her DH needed them. If they were toxic then, then fine be done with them, but if they werent and it is this one blowup over GOLF, then they all need to take step back and realize they are hurting the kids by not letting them know their GPs, their uncle and their cousins.

Who the heck would know that they are sending cards???? If they are trying to impress their friends, they could just lie and said they sent cards, the fact that they are actualling sending them speaks volumes!

They never actually did watch him, that was to be the first time when all this really blew up, and DH made his choice and made alternate arrangements, they had told DH they were happy to look after him before it all exploded but when it came down to it they made it difficult, DH felt attacked by them and told them that their choice was made and very apparent.

I agree with most of this. Ultimately it is up to your DH and what sort of relationship, if any, he wants with his family.
I get where OP is coming from and this petty incident may have just been the last straw. DH and I have a similar situation with his family right now and the last straw would be seen as a petty issue. The problem is, DH's Mom has shown favoritism his whole life and the incident was just one more example that made us decide we deserve to be treated better than that. To be treated as worth less within a family really hurts and is toxic to how we feel about ourselves. We have chosen to not be treated that way anymore which means little or no contact with the IL's.

Unfortunately, this is what it boils down to.
DH calls his DM The Matriarch (not in a good way), I don't say anything, I do know better than to say anything about them given that anything can happen in the future.

FWIW I don't think sending a card is reaching out, and either does DH.

I'll be tossing mine anyway, and I do wonder how they would feel if they were a little rejected by their parents??

His parents do have his number, as do his whole family, they choose whether they use it and so far have not.

 

[luvsJack]

You and your dh may not think sending a card is reaching out, but it is possible that THEY do.

IMHO, family is just too important to throw away over an argument as silly as this one.

 

[becpee]

And no one will ever know as long as the OP continues to look for excuses to blame everything on the other side.

I do blame them, 110% The parents didn't need to get involved but chose to, and then backed the brother, probably the whole "blood needs to stick together thing", i'm family too, DH married me, it makes me family, and DH made a choice to stick with me and take his family away like he'd always intended, and like he'd told his brother to, and like all the other golf men do that weekend.

There are so many little bits I could mention, but this was the boiling point, and DH had had enough.

In all of this I haven't said anything in their arguments, i've not been there when it's gone down, i've heard the yelling on the phone but I side with my DH 100%

 

[Mkrop]

They never actually did watch him, that was to be the first time when all this really blew up, and DH made his choice and made alternate arrangements, they had told DH they were happy to look after him before it all exploded but when it came down to it they made it difficult, DH felt attacked by them and told them that their choice was made and very apparent.



Unfortunately, this is what it boils down to.
DH calls his DM The Matriarch (not in a good way), I don't say anything, I do know better than to say anything about them given that anything can happen in the future.

FWIW I don't think sending a card is reaching out, and either does DH.

I'll be tossing mine anyway, and I do wonder how they would feel if they were a little rejected by their parents??

His parents do have his number, as do his whole family, they choose whether they use it and so far have not.

I will say it again...they were good enough for you to even CONSIDER them watching you child.

If you Dh does not want a relationship with his mom then so be it, but why then are you here asking for advice about the cards. Tell him to be man enough about it and ask them to stop sending them. And just bc you dont define it as reaching out doesnt mean that they dont. They could be sitting at home saying "gee we keep sending cards and they still dont call, what more can we do"

I am not sure why you started this thread bc you dont want to take any of the advice that people are giving here.

 

[ols386]

I will say it again...they were good enough for you to even CONSIDER them watching you child.

If you Dh does not want a relationship with his mom then so be it, but why then are you here asking for advice about the cards. Tell him to be man enough about it and ask them to stop sending them. And just bc you dont define it as reaching out doesnt mean that they dont. They could be sitting at home saying "gee we keep sending cards and they still dont call, what more can we do"

I am not sure why you started this thread bc you dont want to take any of the advice that people are giving here.

At this point, yah. I agree.

 

[RachaelA]

I think what everyone is missing about the whole "golf weekend" is that the OP mentioned that it has always been a family weekend. That's how it has been for months, years whatever in the past and the OP's BIL wanted to change that and then threw a temper tantrum when he didn't get his way and went whining to Mommy and Daddy who took his side. The OP's BIL also had 3 other weekends a month to want to plan a "guy's weekend."

If my parents pulled that crap, I wouldn't want to be around them either unless/until they apologized (and sending cards on birthdays is not apologizing).

 

[becpee]

I think what everyone is missing about the whole "golf weekend" is that the OP mentioned that it has always been a family weekend. That's how it has been for months, years whatever in the past and the OP's BIL wanted to change that and then threw a temper tantrum when he didn't get his way and went whining to Mommy and Daddy who took his side. The OP's BIL also had 3 other weekends a month to want to plan a "guy's weekend."

If my parents pulled that crap, I wouldn't want to be around them either unless/until they apologized (and sending cards on birthdays is not apologizing).

Exactly, but exactly exactly bolded, I sort of think they need to know that sending a card isn't an apology (even though it is common sense).

 

[padams]

I do blame them, 110% The parents didn't need to get involved but chose to, and then backed the brother, probably the whole "blood needs to stick together thing", i'm family too, DH married me, it makes me family, and DH made a choice to stick with me and take his family away like he'd always intended, and like he'd told his brother to, and like all the other golf men do that weekend.

There are so many little bits I could mention, but this was the boiling point, and DH had had enough.

In all of this I haven't said anything in their arguments, i've not been there when it's gone down, i've heard the yelling on the phone but I side with my DH 100%

When your ds is an adult and he doesn't like something you do (as trivial as who is invited for a golf game), don't be surprised when he cuts off contact with you. Your actions are modeling how to treat family. He is going to think it's perfectly normal to throw away your cards. He may only be 6 but he's watching the whole situation. Treat DH's parents how you hope ds will treat you.