Another family issue

[Skywalker]

Cornflake, all of your posts are so spot on, my neck hurts from all the nodding I'm doing here.

Seriously, becpee, you and your husband should do some soul searching here. I've hardly seen someone dig in and be so stubborn over something so ridiculous. You and your husband are drama queens! The brother wants a boys weekend becomes HE WANTS MY HUSBAND TO CHOOSE HIM OVER US...the parents don't want them there at the same time becomes THEY HAVE CHOSEN THE OTHER BROTHER OVER US!...birthday cards become some evil passive-aggressive plot to...I don't even know what. But then it seems you could start to forgive them if they give you birthday gifts?

And the strangest part is you don't seem to see your contribution to this stuff at all.

At this point I know its futile to say so, but I think you should acknowledge the birthday cards, get the chip off your shoulder, and help your husband begin healing his family relationships. (My superior intuition tells me there is fat chance of that, lol)

 

[EMom]

I don't see that there was anything to discuss or work out between the brothers. One wants to bring his wife and child, as has always been done by all the families. (And apparently, WAS done by all the families on the weekend in question.) The other brother wants to leave their respective wives and kids at home and make it a boys' weekend.

There's really nothing to compromise about there. Either they stick with how things are done normally (wives and kids) or they make it a boys' weekend. One brother will "get his way" and one won't. As far as a compromise is concerned, the OP's BIL seemed to be pretty clear that he was not interested in bringing his wife and children along, and the OP's DH's was equally as firm that he would ONLY come with his wife and child.

Considering the baby brother is the one who wanted to deviate from the standard, set, expected, normal way of doing things and the two brothers would have been the only men there sans family, I'd say the younger brother was the one who made an unreasonable demand and the older brother very reasonably refused to go along.

How were they supposed to compromise? Either they bring the wives and kids or it's a boys' weekend. One or the other. (Okay, baby brother could have left his wife and kids at home while the OP's DH brought his, but he didn't want that.) So the OP's DH insists on sticking to the wives and kids tradition (at least for himself) and truly......what is there to "talk out"? So he went ahead and went golfing, as planned, with wife and kid while baby brother took a pass on the weekend altogether.

From there, it went downhill. I cannot believe the parents even got involved. Once they heard one brother wanted to stick with tradition and bring his family along, while the other wanted to ditch his wife and kids, I'd have thought the parents would have either stayed out of it completely or advised the younger son that THIS was not the wisest occasion to insist on a boys' weekend. Baby brother was asking the unreasonable, not the other way around.

I do agree with some that this is about much more than the golf weekend. I think there had been issues previous to this, but that this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I don't even think I'd give any thought as to what to do with the cards or why they were sent. The real question is.....Do you want a relationship with his parents or not? If you think it's more or less a lost cause because they have and always will favor the younger brother, then count yourselves well rid of them. If you think there is still something to salvage, then give it a try.

 

[becpee]

I don't even think I'd give any thought as to what to do with the cards or why they were sent. The real question is.....Do you want a relationship with his parents or not? If you think it's more or less a lost cause because they have and always will favor the younger brother, then count yourselves well rid of them. If you think there is still something to salvage, then give it a try.

Thank you.

 

[cornflake]

There's really nothing to compromise about there. Either they stick with how things are done normally (wives and kids) or they make it a boys' weekend. One brother will "get his way" and one won't. As far as a compromise is concerned, the OP's BIL seemed to be pretty clear that he was not interested in bringing his wife and children along, and the OP's DH's was equally as firm that he would ONLY come with his wife and child.

Considering the baby brother is the one who wanted to deviate from the standard, set, expected, normal way of doing things and the two brothers would have been the only men there sans family, I'd say the younger brother was the one who made an unreasonable demand and the older brother very reasonably refused to go along.

How were they supposed to compromise? Either they bring the wives and kids or it's a boys' weekend. One or the other. (Okay, baby brother could have left his wife and kids at home while the OP's DH brought his, but he didn't want that.) So the OP's DH insists on sticking to the wives and kids tradition (at least for himself) and truly......what is there to "talk out"? So he went ahead and went golfing, as planned, with wife and kid while baby brother took a pass on the weekend altogether.

How are those the only options? How is there nothing to talk out? Whose world is this black and white? Capital punishment debates are more nuanced than 'there's nothing to discuss' about 'I want a boys' weekend - I want to bring my wife and kid'

"I wanted it to be a boys' weekend"

"No, I will not go without my wife and kid. There's nothing more to discuss!"

vs...

"I wanted it to be a boys' weekend."

"Why?"

"I just feel like we haven't hung out and I thought we could go to that new sports bar and watch the game and your wife hates football."

"Oh. Well, she really wants to come and we had plans too. How about if you and I go watch the game and she and kid can do something else that night?"

vs....

"I wanted it to be a boys' weekend."

"Well my wife always comes, she's been looking forward to it."

"With her and kid along, you never want to hang out with us after golf; all the other guys go out."

"Oh, I didn't know that. Maybe we could get a sitter one night, or I could come alone one night and we could do a couples' dinner and get a couple of sitters for all the kids another night, would that work?"

vs....

the 1,000 other possibilities that may have occurred had someone acted like an adult and had a discussion, not been looking for some other reason to feel slighted and gone on about there being nothing to discuss!

This is WHY people discuss things - because, believe it or not, you actually DO NOT KNOW what other people are thinking. You DO NOT KNOW what other people's motivations are.

If you - like the person I know - would prefer to spin the scenarios and assume exactly what everyone else means, is motivated by, is *really* saying, is saying to other people, etc., and use that to be offended and wounded and the victim of the imaginary drama, go nuts. It's not the normal reaction to events like this.

If I had planned to bring people to something and someone else said 'oh, I wanted it to be just us!' My reaction would not be 'No, and there's nothing more to discuss!' It'd be 'why?' or even 'aw, that's nice [that someone wanted to hang out with me that much], but....'

 

[cornflake]

Yes, again, he refused to discuss the golf trip that was DONE 4 months before, pretty much told his parents to tell his brother to get over it, and returned once to drop off Christmas presents to his parents then left. His parents said sort it, what was to sort? The trip was done.

Whoa. Hold up. I just caught this.

We've all been discussing this as if, as I believe you originally indicated, and as makes sense, that the brother and your husband had this debate prior to the golf trip taking place.

This reads as if the issue with the parents came AFTER that.

So... if I've got the timeline... golf trip comes up. Brother says he wants it to be a boys' weekend. Husband says no and refuses to discuss it. You all don't go.

Months later, husband has STILL refused to ever discuss it? Brother wants to discuss what happened, your husband's response is "there's nothing to discuss... get over it."

And... you still, actually, honestly, think this is the in-laws' fault?

You still, actually, honestly, think none of them have reached out to you?

What in the heck is telling the brothers to speak about the issue and one attempting to discuss it with the other?!?! I ...this really can't be what it seems like, right? Because there's supercilious and looking for reasons to be the victim and then there's this, which is 'I am too the King of France' territory.

 

[java]

Sort it.
To your dh it's a dead issue but clearly his brother is still upset. Did he take the time to find out why he wanted a boys only weekend? Was he having marital problems? Was there some other reason that he could have used a brothers advice on? It sounds cut and dry to your dh, it's a family weekend, brother not so cut and dry.

Why not just talk about it? Does he really want to end a relationship over a golf weekend?

You may feel righteous about the way it happened, but do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?clearly it's bothering you if you held onto the card. Work it out, you'll all feel better.

Of course I am basing that on this one incident, I don't know if there are years of baggage that goes long with it, but even that talk it out! You don't want to live your life thinking what if.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Was this golf weekend story told on the Dis before? I kind of remember one but I think that one had been a guys weekends at some point.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Was this golf weekend story told on the Dis before? I kind of remember one but I think that one had been a guys weekends at some point.

Oh yea. She has posted about this situation repeatedly. That is why she just needs to leave it alone.

I cannot believe that no one can remember it.

 

[luvmy3]

My mind is open

According to what you have said in this thread, no it isn't.

They could do better than a card for him and their grandson.

Wow, that is pretty harsh coming from someone who moved out of the area and didn't even give the ILs your address. Maybe they took that as some sort of sign that you didn't want to have any contact with them at all. Maybe in order to open the lines of communication, they figure sending a card is the first step. Your dh and you can certainly do better, by not ignoring it.
Open mind? Sorry, I don't think so.

 

[Magic Mom]

Oh yea. She has posted about this situation repeatedly. That is why she just needs to leave it alone.

I cannot believe that no one can remember it.

I remember it. Wasn't there a death in the family?

 

[declansdad]

I don't think any of you are getting through. The OP isn't really open to listening to anything that contradicts her opinion.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I don't think any of you are getting through. The OP isn't really open to listening to anything that contradicts her opinion.

I agree. Its sad. I grew up without some of my family because of a feud. I really don't know what they feud was about and don't really care. Years later, after I became and adult, the feud was resolved but I have no connection to those people now. I missed out on getting to know them. I wish I did. I don't really know my aunt, uncle or cousins because of the choices of two stubborn men (my father and his brother). I know if my father could go back, he would handle it all differently.

 

[Southernmiss]

My mind is open, which is why I asked for advice, but I still can't understand how his parents are not 100% in the wrong, they made a conscious choice, and made is clear.There was a large time frame between the final fallout, we didn't just pack up and move the day after, we were there for another 9 months and all we heard from them was a screaming bellowing phonecall and my DH hung up, I don't blame him, I could hear the screaming down the phoneline in the next room.
The inlaws wanted to look after our son, encouraged me to change my hours for them to look after him for an hour 2 afternoons a week which I did, and when push came to shove they didn't follow through with something they said they'd do, not only that but they told my DH he's not welcome in their home if his brother is there, so I wonder who didn't value the relationship?

Why does the bolded still matter after all this time? I have learned that although parents are older, they are still human. Sometimes they don't have the abilities we wish they had. They are human and have limitations, like the rest of us.

My brothers and I believe my mom likes my sister better (she has the youngest children and lives the furthest away)--who cares? Mom and sis are still a decent human beings. And family is much more important to us.

I have my husband and kids to fall back on when the others may disappoint me. You get mad you go home, cool off and try again. Not write them off for years.


What would be wrong with reaching out to them and trying to forgive them so that your son could know his grandparents?

It truly takes a special kind of person to offer and accept forgiveness, sadly I'm not seeing that on your part at all. Back to "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy."

From what you have posted through all 12 pages of this thread, I see nothing that would make them not wothy of having a relationship with their grandchild. Sad...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So all of you think that a parent can tell you that you are not welcome in their home when there brother is there?

I can tell you I would cut off my own parents if they said that to me.

 

[sunshinehighway]

So all of you think that a parent can tell you that you are not welcome in their home when there brother is there?

I can tell you I would cut off my own parents if they said that to me.

If I were feuding with my sibling and refusing to work it out with her, yeah I can understand why I'd be the one that would have to leave.
I don't think that's why they cut off the parents. Wasn't there something about an "abusive" phone call?
Its entirely possible that the brother and parents have no idea the OP and her DH took the golf weekend has a "choosing brother over wife and kid" thing. Its entirely possible that they didn't understand why the Op's DH was so mad and since he refused to talk to his brother about it there is no way they could have understood what was upsetting him so much.

 

[NHdisneylover]

So all of you think that a parent can tell you that you are not welcome in their home when there brother is there?

I can tell you I would cut off my own parents if they said that to me.

From the way I read it, the parents said that so long as the two brothers were at odds (such that both being in the home at the same time is uncomfortable all the way around) and one of them is willing to talk about it and try to resolve the issue but the other is giving the one the silent treatment and digging in his heels and refusing to try to make things better, than yep, if it is impossible for both to be together and only one is forcing it to continue to be that way then that one is the one who has to leave if both end up in the home.

It makes all kinds of sense to me.