Another family issue

[becpee]

You can't really tell if the grandparents aren't interested. You and your DH decided to cut them out, obviously not the other way around since they are still trying to send cards and acknowledge their grandchild.

Given what you said about your DH and his brother, it seems that DH is seen by you and his parents as the more responsible, rational of the two. It would make sense that DH's parents would turn to him to "make it right" if they think his brother is the more immature one. Unfortunately both you and your husband showed that you can sink to that maturity level and have a fit over a boys weekend argument. This whole fight is over the idea that your BIL wanted to spend one on one time with his brother.

You are depriving your child of a relationship with your inlaws. Grow up and be the bigger person by maybe reaching out to them to see if they want to see him "hey, little Johnny has been asking about you guys and I thought maybe you'd like to spend some time with him." Could help repair the broken family.

Now, if they say no or cause more drama over it, then tell them to stop sending cards and end it.

I think not having your son in your home and not contacting him for a year between cards is a pretty easy way to see that they're not really interested, why would my DH go running back after that?

It was never a boys weekend, his DB wanted it to be but it was always a family weekend, where it seems to me he wasn't interested in taking his whereas everybody else was and still does.

If he wanted to spend one on one time with him he could have rang him any other of the 3 free weekends (one Sunday always belongs to golf) in any month and head out to the pub, golf or whatever, I don't stop my DH from going out, never did.

I don't think I ever deprived my inlaws, they had the opportunity to see him every day if they wanted, we lived a 7 minute drive away for more than 4 years of my DS's life and I can count on two hands the number of times they came to visit, we were always expected to visit them, and we did until the fallout.

 

[eeyoremum]

Sometimes it is a small thing that blows the situation apart. We were not there for all the other slights, comments, or situations that happened behind the scenes to cause the rift.

In my case it has been almost 10 years and hell will freeze over before I speak to my family again. I moved 6 years ago without a forwarding address and it is the best decision I ever made. My oldest remembers the grandmother but only enough to refer to her as "old iron face" if that gives you any indication of how he was treated by her.

In the last 10 years I have received 5 phone calls at work telling me what a "witch" I am. My son received one facebook from a family member saying you don't remember me but come to my wedding. I have received 2 one line emails at work, one telling me of a birth and one of a death.

I should also add the nuts phone call my boss got telling her that I should be fired because I am a "witch" and the nastiest person on earth. Luckily I have worked for my company since I was a teen so they are very familiar with the situation.

To me an card sent to the workplace is not a "reaching out" it is a slap in the face.

 

[becpee]

Ask your DH how he would feel if he got a phone call saying his father(or mother) was dead. Would he not care or would he feel terrible that he has had no relationship with them for the last 3 years over something petty? Life is short and the rug can be pulled out from under you in a second so choose wisely.

I have done, and at this stage he says he's not interested in making it right, and that it wouldn't matter anyway, he thinks whoever is left would say "what are you doing here and what do you want?" if he turned up anywhere near them.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Rethink that strategy. You aren't being fair to them OR you. You are creating scenarios and fighting fights that are non existent. You have no idea why they are sending cards (because you won't speak to them) and you have no idea what they are running to their friends saying. Stop creating drama that may or may not be there. If you have to stress over something, only do it over things that have actually happened, not imagined slights.

I know that is easier said than done(believe me I know), but think about the energy you are wasting fretting over something you are making up in your head (meaning what they are running back to their friends saying.)

Have you and you DH ever sat down with the parents and asked them why they expect you to leave when BIL shows up? Or did you just feel slighted and immediately cut ties? It sounds like your son is really missing his relationship with them, and that would be enough reason to me to try and get to the bottom of the conflict and sort things out.

 

[ols386]

I think not having your son in your home and not contacting him for a year between cards is a pretty easy way to see that they're not really interested, why would my DH go running back after that?

It was never a boys weekend, his DB wanted it to be but it was always a family weekend, where it seems to me he wasn't interested in taking his whereas everybody else was and still does.

If he wanted to spend one on one time with him he could have rang him any other of the 3 free weekends (one Sunday always belongs to golf) in any month and head out to the pub, golf or whatever, I don't stop my DH from going out, never did.

I don't think I ever deprived my inlaws, they had the opportunity to see him every day if they wanted, we lived a 7 minute drive away for more than 4 years of my DS's life and I can count on two hands the number of times they came to visit, we were always expected to visit them, and we did until the fallout.

Did your DH try contacting them? Or does he even want to have a relationship with them now? If he doesn't want to have a relationship with them, then what is the problem? (Other than the fact that a family is now broken.) It's sad really. If/when something happens to his parents or brother, he may very well wish that he HAD tried to resolve things.

And at this point in time, do they not have your address or a cell phone number? (Maybe you said and I missed it)

If he is not interested in having a relationship with them or resolving anything, then I'd drop the whole card thing.

 

[sunshinehighway]

My sentiments exactly. OP's DH puts *his* family first. Good for him. The BIL sounds like a jerk. And the parents are enabling him. All of that is truly pathetic.

The thing is, the OP says it was her husband that refused to talk to his brother about the golf weekend. She says his parents told him to work it out with the brother. He didn't see the point.
Its not really fair to call the brother a jerk because he wanted a golf weekend.
i don't get how the parents are enabling him either. They said work it out and one brother refused.

 

[faith]

It's your Dh's family, so he should have the final decision.
I agree with one of the comments here that says he should think about how he would feel if his parents die before he has a chance to reconcile with them.
The situation sounds like it snowballed out of control over a minor argument.
Why not just open the cards? To send them back seems childish.

 

[becpee]

Rethink that strategy. You aren't being fair to them OR you. You are creating scenarios and fighting fights that are non existent. You have no idea why they are sending cards (because you won't speak to them) and you have no idea what they are running to their friends saying. Stop creating drama that may or may not be there. If you have to stress over something, only do it over things that have actually happened, not imagined slights.

I know that is easier said than done(believe me I know), but think about the energy you are wasting fretting over something you are making up in your head (meaning what they are running back to their friends saying.)

Have you and you DH ever sat down with the parents and asked them why they expect you to leave when BIL shows up? Or did you just feel slighted and immediately cut ties? It sounds like your son is really missing his relationship with them, and that would be enough reason to me to try and get to the bottom of the conflict and sort things out.

In my head the scenarios are real, this is what MIL is like, everything is about appearances, things aren't done to be nice, and everything has a trade off or a price.
I don't feel like it's a reaching out or it would say "we'd love to see you" which may be an invitation of sorts and my DH thinks they had ample opportunities to see us and chose not to.

 

[punkin]

The thing is, the OP says it was her husband that refused to talk to his brother about the golf weekend. She says his parents told him to work it out with the brother. He didn't see the point.
Its not really fair to call the brother a jerk because he wanted a golf weekend.
i don't get how the parents are enabling him either. They said work it out and one brother refused.

My FIL and BIL wanted to do a "boys' weekend" in Las Vegas. DH said he didn't want to spend even more time away from me and DDs (he travels for business and, like everyone, has limited vacation time). No fight ensued. In fact I just spoke to FIL yesterday (about something inconsequential-because he is my FIL, and therefore, family) and he's not upset at all. There must have been some pre-existing dynamic here to cause such a rift over something so minor. However, even given only the OP's side of things, I can't unilaterally say it was all the IL's fault.

 

[luvsJack]

Sorry, but that has to be the silliest family feud I have ever heard!

First off, the bil wanting a "boy's weekend" doesn't mean he is a jerk and doesn't put his family first. It doesn't mean he was intending to spend a weekend getting drunk and chasing women, for heaven's sakes. Everyone needs some down time and maybe he needed a break.

While the parents should not have gotten "in it", if they were truly worried about conflict, I can understand them telling one brother he had to leave if the other brother showed up. Do you know for a fact that they didn't say something similar to your bil?

If it was me--I would tell dh that this is ridiculous and that his son needs his grandparents and that he could do what he wanted but his child and I were going to contact them and see if bridges could be mended. He could choose to stay away or he could choose to be a part of it.

If you contact the inlaws and they have no interest in re-connecting, then at least you tried and move on from there.

Regardless of what he says he would feel and do if something happened to his parents, if/when it happens reality may be very different.

 

[ols386]

I have done, and at this stage he says he's not interested in making it right, and that it wouldn't matter anyway, he thinks whoever is left would say "what are you doing here and what do you want?" if he turned up anywhere near them.

If that's the case, then the card situation doesn't really matter. Leave it alone. Just open the cards and either keep them or toss them.

It kind of sounds like he's feeling sorry for himself, and if that's the case, then maybe he is hurt, but just can't admit that he's hurt, and that deep-down he actually wants to resolve the situation. Sometimes it's up to us as adults to be the bigger person and take the first step....but if his heart isn't into it, then it would be difficult to do.

 

[ols386]

In my head the scenarios are real, this is what MIL is like, everything is about appearances, things aren't done to be nice, and everything has a trade off or a price.
I don't feel like it's a reaching out or it would say "we'd love to see you" which may be an invitation of sorts and my DH thinks they had ample opportunities to see us and chose not to.

Haven't you and your dh chosen not to see them either? It works both ways.

 

[Magic Mom]

In my head the scenarios are real, this is what MIL is like, everything is about appearances, things aren't done to be nice, and everything has a trade off or a price.
I don't feel like it's a reaching out or it would say "we'd love to see you" which may be an invitation of sorts and my DH thinks they had ample opportunities to see us and chose not to.

and that speaks volumes....

 

[Magic Mom]

Sorry, but that has to be the silliest family feud I have ever heard!

First off, the bil wanting a "boy's weekend" doesn't mean he is a jerk and doesn't put his family first. It doesn't mean he was intending to spend a weekend getting drunk and chasing women, for heaven's sakes. Everyone needs some down time and maybe he needed a break.

While the parents should not have gotten "in it", if they were truly worried about conflict, I can understand them telling one brother he had to leave if the other brother showed up. Do you know for a fact that they didn't say something similar to your bil?

If it was me--I would tell dh that this is ridiculous and that his son needs his grandparents and that he could do what he wanted but his child and I were going to contact them and see if bridges could be mended. He could choose to stay away or he could choose to be a part of it.

If you contact the inlaws and they have no interest in re-connecting, then at least you tried and move on from there.

Regardless of what he says he would feel and do if something happened to his parents, if/when it happens reality may be very different.

and

 

[becpee]

Haven't you and your dh chosen not to see them either? It works both ways.

DH was told not to be in their house while his brother was there, so you can come but not if he's here...they made the choice for him.
They did come around to see us once after the hoohah, to drop off presents that DH had dropped off for his niece and nephew, slap in the face much?

 

[Magic Mom]

DH was told not to be in their house while his brother was there, so you can come but not if he's here...they made the choice for him.
They did come around to see us once after the hoohah, to drop off presents that DH had dropped off for his niece and nephew, slap in the face much?

Yes, by your BIL, not the parents. They were just returning the gifts so you could get your money back. They don't have a say about whether the niece and nephew open your presents.

 

[becpee]

and that speaks volumes....

LOL you don't know her, i've seen her backstab her best friends and refuse to go to one of her best friends daughters wedding because she didn't like the groom, I don't get that...

 

[ols386]

DH was told not to be in their house while his brother was there, so you can come but not if he's here...they made the choice for him.
They did come around to see us once after the hoohah, to drop off presents that DH had dropped off for his niece and nephew, slap in the face much?

You don't have to go to someone's house to start working things out. You can call, or ask to meet for a meal, or just call and set-up a day/time for him to go to his parents house and talk (there have to be times when the brother isn't there), or any other number of things. Just sounds like the parents don't want to hear the bickering between the brothers.

You are making excuses for dh.

If he doesn't want to reconcile, then that is his choice. It's his family. And it doesn't sound like he wants to.

Seriously, it sounds like everything has snow-balled. It's a shame really. Especially for your son.

 

[becpee]

Yes, by your BIL, not the parents. They were just returning the gifts so you could get your money back. They don't have a say about whether the niece and nephew open your presents.

Why didn't they ask the brother to bring them back? Could have been another opportunity for them to speak? Why not say to the brother "if you don't want them you take them back to him".
We had never not bought them a present for an occasion, the kids weren't involved in it, why should they suffer? It didn't cross our mind to not get them one...

 

[Magic Mom]

LOL you don't know her, i've seen her backstab her best friends and refuse to go to one of her best friends daughters wedding because she didn't like the groom, I don't get that...

It speaks volumes that you feel justified for blaming them for things that you make up in your head. Even if she is the type of person that does stuff like that, she didn't do it, you imagined it. Blame her for things she did do, blame her for things that really happened, not thing you imagine might happen. That's just creating more drama. YOU creating drama, not her.