Another family issue

[becpee]

Agreed. The parents may be trying to get under your skin, OR they may be trying to reach out.

OP Did you post about this before? Are the parents asking your husband to leave because they love the brother more, or because your DH doesn't deal well with his brother and it makes everyone uncomfortable?

As far as the kids asking about them, I don't think changing the subject (effectively ignoring the question) is the right thing to do. You have to be at least partially honest. Tell them the grandparents loved them, but made choices that you don't agree with so you feel it is beeter that they aren't a part of your life.

I may have posted before, this is an ongoing issue my DH doesn't confront, he will likely ignore a conflict and leave but I believe his parents made a conscious decision by telling him if his brother turns up he leaves because they don't want an issue.
DH is not as close to them, he moved out at 16 to join one of the armed forces and his brother moved out at 33 when his girlfriend became pregnant, they are very different people for siblings, DH is very independent and his brother and wife rely on the parents for alot of things (well, they did, I have no idea what goes on now).

The card thing is getting up my nose...alot. They make no other effort, I feel like they run back to their friends and say "we sent them a card and they didn't even say thankyou", like a card will make kicking their son out of their home ok.

And my DS asking about the grandparents, he remembers them, talks about them a little, we don't talk about the issues in front of him.
My Dh is very mild mannered, his brother is the one more likely to fly off the handle.
In all of this DH feels that we came second in everything, we're supposed to give into everything they say, the parents drive the boat, say what happens and the sons and their wives are the passengers and give in to everything they say, whether they agree or not.

 

[punkin]

Wow, that sounds like a ridiculous reason to never speak to your parents, child, or brother again. I think everyone involved is being childish.

I forgot to add, except for the actual child, who is the only innocent victim here.

 

[becpee]

Over a golf weekend???!!!!!

WOW!!!!!

People sure have thin skins.

I once got into a horrendous fight with DSis (over something substantive) and we did not talk for a whole month and a half. Then, she sent me a birthday card and I called her and we talked and forgave each other. We were both wrong and both right and could have nursed our grievances forever, but we didn't because we were sisters and loved each other.

I think OP's ILs are trying to reach out. To deny your children their grandparents over a golf weekend is really strange to me.

Hey, I know, but why would the parents get involved AT ALL? It has nothing to do with them, had they stayed out of it, it likely would have blown over.
It turned into "Yeah, we can look after our grandson but you can't pick up your son if you brother is here because you're both not to be here and if your brother turns up YOU leave"

All because DH said "my DW and son are coming on the weekend and why don't your family come too?" And his brother made it into make a choice, your wife and kid or me? for a weekend away that I have been on since my DH started at the club.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Hey, I know, but why would the parents get involved AT ALL? It has nothing to do with them, had they stayed out of it, it likely would have blown over.
It turned into "Yeah, we can look after our grandson but you can't pick up your son if you brother is here because you're both not to be here and if your brother turns up YOU leave"

All because DH said "my DW and son are coming on the weekend and why don't your family come too?" And his brother made it into make a choice, your wife and kid or me? for a weekend away that I have been on since my DH started at the club.

You obviously have your mind made up about your inlaws and their point of view. You are going to continue to feel slighted and nothing here is going to convince you otherwise.

My question about the cards being sent to the office because your inlaws don't even have your address is have they always sent cards? Did they have a message inside the card? A present or a check? Did the card sending start after the falling out? Do you send a card to them on special days?

Why should your inlaws keep trying to call just to be rejected? I'm not going to keep hitting my head against a wall knowing the wall is never going to move. What's the point? You moved and didn't even bother to give them the address. I personally would consider that a big kiss my *** and leave me alone statement.

To be honest I wouldn't want siblings together in my house that were arguing either. Until they guys had worked it out without parents' influence I wouldn't want their issue in the house. I don't consider it picking one child over the other. Sometimes people just want to feel slighted and have hurt feelings to feel vindicated.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Hey, I know, but why would the parents get involved AT ALL? It has nothing to do with them, had they stayed out of it, it likely would have blown over.
It turned into "Yeah, we can look after our grandson but you can't pick up your son if you brother is here because you're both not to be here and if your brother turns up YOU leave"

All because DH said "my DW and son are coming on the weekend and why don't your family come too?" And his brother made it into make a choice, your wife and kid or me? for a weekend away that I have been on since my DH started at the club.

Is that was his parents actually said or is that how you interpreted what they said? Did your DH's brother say "its your wife and kids or me" or is that how your DH took it? You stated it was your husband that refused to work the issue out with his brother. Maybe that's why he was the one who had to leave.
There have been times when I've invited my sister to things where I don't want husbands and kids there. I simply want adult sister time. Its not the same thing as saying "choose me or your wife and kids".
His parents probably send the cards as a peace offering.

 

[spacemountainmom]

Maybe I have a biased perspective since I also have a younger sibling that is needy and my parents have favored, but if I were the op's husband - I would NOT be the first to make a move. The parents sending a card signed "from Mum and Dad" would not look like a "Hey, let's make up" signal to me. They could write on the card or better yet, they could call him at work and apologize for their childish behavior.

The parents chose to make the op's dh the bad guy. They told him that HE needed to fix things with the brother and told HIM that HE was not welcome. They did choose sides over a really stupid argument. My dh puts our family first - not his siblling, not his parents and that's the way it should be. If the brother wants to break up the family over an argument over "boys weekend", he's an idiot and the parents are doubly so for siding with him.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

Am I the only one to think that the IL's are enabling DB? "Jim" throws a temper tantrum because he wants "Jack" to go to a golfing weekend without the wife and kids. Jack wants DW & kids to go along since that's the way it's always been and, besides, "John" and "Dave" are bringing their families. Jim goes whining to mommy and daddy that mean brother Jack won't do what HE wants Jack to do and mommy and daddy agree that Jack is the bad guy. Mean Jack must kowtow to DB's wishes and, until Jack sees the error of his ways, he is no longer welcome in their home while Jim is around.

Mommy and Daddy - if they were REALLY intent on the boys patching things up - should have invited BOTH boys to their home and insist that they patch things up right there and then. If Jack or Jim left in a huff with that, then yes, that boy is the child and needs to reevaluate the situation. If Mom and Dad wanted to remain neutral, then both boys should be welcome no matter who is there. If one decides to leave because the other is there or shows up, that's an immature reaction that, as a parent, I personally wouldn't put up with let alone condone.

It doesn't sound to me like OP and dh are the ones keeping Granny and Grampa away. IMHO, the IL's are the ones to start the rift between them and DH and, if they TRULY wanted to make amends, a birthday card ain't it. They know where DH works - call him. Ask him to meet them to talk. Ask him if they can see the kids. Sending cards is either a way to get under OP & DH's skin or it's a way for the IL's to convince themselves that they're "doing everything they can". Bah!

OP - toss the card. Don't give them any ammunition to say "see - look how horrible she is. SHE's the one keeping the grandkids away from us!". Toss it and don't give it a second thought.

 

[becpee]

You obviously have your mind made up about your inlaws and their point of view. You are going to continue to feel slighted and nothing here is going to convince you otherwise.

My question about the cards being sent to the office because your inlaws don't even have your address is have they always sent cards? Did they have a message inside the card? A present or a check? Did the card sending start after the falling out? Do you send a card to them on special days?

Why should your inlaws keep trying to call just to be rejected? I'm not going to keep hitting my head against a wall knowing the wall is never going to move. What's the point? You moved and didn't even bother to give them the address. I personally would consider that a big kiss my *** and leave me alone statement.

To be honest I wouldn't want siblings together in my house that were arguing either. Until they guys had worked it out without parents' influence I wouldn't want their issue in the house. I don't consider it picking one child over the other. Sometimes people just want to feel slighted and have hurt feelings to feel vindicated.

We moved 8 months after we saw them last, there was plenty of time for them to pick up the phone (not to abuse my DH but maybe to say hi) or to send a card and DH's parents returning the niece and nephews presents we bought them was a real slap in the face for us and not easily forgiven, and why would they not tell both of the boys to not be there? Just the one of them, thats a conscious decision in my mind.

We don't send cards, theirs to us is pretty much a standard Happy Birthday from Us, but I don't see the point in them doing it, my DH doesn't want a card, and I think he deserves more than that, and so does my DS.

If nothing else why could they not ring and say "we really want to see our DGS, can we meet for lunch at the park or something?" Mutual place, ice breaker, seems to me they don't care one iota so why continue to send a card?

 

[Andtototoo]

I really don't think you should change the subject when your child makes reference to when he used to have grandparents. You're denying your son an opportunity to express his feelings. You're also teaching your son to avoid painful feelings rather than how to discuss them. Learning how to discuss and handle painful feelings is an important life lesson and might go a long way towards him avoiding family estrangement himself.

Avoidance and denial are not lessons you should be teaching your son. In fact, talking about this situation would give you a golden opportunity to talk about how to handle the inevitable conflicts of life.

 

[spacemountainmom]

Am I the only one to think that the IL's are enabling DB? "Jim" throws a temper tantrum because he wants "Jack" to go to a golfing weekend without the wife and kids. Jack wants DW & kids to go along since that's the way it's always been and, besides, "John" and "Dave" are bringing their families. Jim goes whining to mommy and daddy that mean brother Jack won't do what HE wants Jack to do and mommy and daddy agree that Jack is the bad guy. Mean Jack must kowtow to DB's wishes and, until Jack sees the error of his ways, he is no longer welcome in their home while Jim is around.

Mommy and Daddy - if they were REALLY intent on the boys patching things up - should have invited BOTH boys to their home and insist that they patch things up right there and then. If Jack or Jim left in a huff with that, then yes, that boy is the child and needs to reevaluate the situation. If Mom and Dad wanted to remain neutral, then both boys should be welcome no matter who is there. If one decides to leave because the other is there or shows up, that's an immature reaction that, as a parent, I personally wouldn't put up with let alone condone.

It doesn't sound to me like OP and dh are the ones keeping Granny and Grampa away. IMHO, the IL's are the ones to start the rift between them and DH and, if they TRULY wanted to make amends, a birthday card ain't it. They know where DH works - call him. Ask him to meet them to talk. Ask him if they can see the kids. Sending cards is either a way to get under OP & DH's skin or it's a way for the IL's to convince themselves that they're "doing everything they can". Bah!

OP - toss the card. Don't give them any ammunition to say "see - look how horrible she is. SHE's the one keeping the grandkids away from us!". Toss it and don't give it a second thought.

you said what I was thinking, but in a much better manner!

 

[happygirl]

We moved 8 months after we saw them last, there was plenty of time for them to pick up the phone (not to abuse my DH but maybe to say hi) or to send a card and DH's parents returning the niece and nephews presents we bought them was a real slap in the face for us and not easily forgiven, and why would they not tell both of the boys to not be there? Just the one of them, thats a conscious decision in my mind.

We don't send cards, theirs to us is pretty much a standard Happy Birthday from Us, but I don't see the point in them doing it, my DH doesn't want a card, and I think he deserves more than that, and so does my DS.

If nothing else why could they not ring and say "we really want to see our DGS, can we meet for lunch at the park or something?" Mutual place, ice breaker, seems to me they don't care one iota so why continue to send a card?

You aren't even opening the cards. What if they are trying to invite your husbands somewhere.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Sounds like a stupid thing to ruin a family over. Siblings, even adult ones, have disagreements. Of course the parents wanted them to speak and work it out. I have to wonder how it went from your DH refusing to work it out with his brother to not being allowed in his parents home while is brother is there.

I agree!

It's a very stupid reason to tear a family apart. I don't see why it was such a bad thing to have a guys weekend. I think your DH may have been a little pig headed there. Maybe his brother was reaching out to him and felt rejected.

OR, on the other hand, it also sounds like the BIL is very childish and used to getting his way, and he may also possibly be the parents favorite because who in their right mind would want to live at home with their parents until they were 33 years old?

OP, I don't know what is going on, but I can tell you that it would drive me insane. I like peace and harmony so I would do what ever it took to make this right. I would reach out to them, give them our address, invite them over to see their grandchild or go visit them. I would kill them with kindness if nothing more than to not have the guilt of not trying on my shoulders.

This really sounds more like one big misunderstanding between a bunch of hard headed people.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

My DH is estranged from his family after a falling out with his brother, where seemingly his parents took sides and chose the other one.
It is coming up to 3 years since we have had any contact with them.
They send us birthday cards, they send them to my DH's work as we didn't give them a forwarding address when we moved, as far as DH was concerned there was no need to as after living in our old home for 5 years they visited maybe half a dozen times, distance wasn't the issue, as they lived a 7 minute drive away.
DH was pretty much banned from their home if his brother was there and if his brother turned up he was told he would be the one to have to leave, after this conversation that was pretty much the end of it, the choice had been made.
The thing that i'm not happy about is my DS6 who talks about "when I used to have a Granny and Poppy".
I change the subject when this comes up, I mean what can I say? And the birthday cards? Why send them? They make no effort to make things right, they made my DH feel unwelcome in their home, I feel like sending the cards back, mine is still in it's envelope ready and waiting, but I realise it's a pretty big step to throw it back in their face, especially when it's my DH's parents.
I feel like sending the card back with a note saying "I think you can do better than that" but I don't want to put anything in writing...
Would you return the cards? Would you continue on in life and bin them like you never got them? Mine is unopened, DH opened his, the usual greeting "From Mum and Dad". Nothing about we miss you, would love to see our grandson, we love you, I feel like they send a card so they can say "we sent a card and they didn't even thank us or anything".
I'm sure we're not the only one who've been in this sort of a situation, any advice?
Leave it alone?

I'm currently in a similar position though no lines have been drawn. I would leave it. They sent cards and thats nice. Maybe they are waiting for a response to start the conversation but for now just let it be.

 

[becpee]

I really don't think you should change the subject when your child makes reference to when he used to have grandparents. You're denying your son an opportunity to express his feelings. You're also teaching your son to avoid painful feelings rather than how to discuss them. Learning how to discuss and handle painful feelings is an important life lesson and might go a long way towards him avoiding family estrangement himself.

Avoidance and denial are not lessons you should be teaching your son. In fact, talking about this situation would give you a golden opportunity to talk about how to handle the inevitable conflicts of life.

This is one of the things that is making it hard for me to handle, I don't want to say anything against them, he is too young to explain the issues and I don't want it to turn into "why don't they love me?" how else does a 6 year old read it when their grandparents aren't interested?

You aren't even opening the cards. What if they are trying to invite your husbands somewhere.

My DH opened his and the ones DS has got, I haven't touched mine (pretty sure mine will say the same as his anyway), his is a standard card, nothing crazy or extraordinary, certainly not making him do cartwheels or anything

 

[IUTBAM]

The parents chose to make the op's dh the bad guy. They told him that HE needed to fix things with the brother and told HIM that HE was not welcome. They did choose sides over a really stupid argument. My dh puts our family first - not his siblling, not his parents and that's the way it should be. If the brother wants to break up the family over an argument over "boys weekend", he's an idiot and the parents are doubly so for siding with him.

My sentiments exactly. OP's DH puts *his* family first. Good for him. The BIL sounds like a jerk. And the parents are enabling him. All of that is truly pathetic. But the saddest and most disgusting thing to me is that they are throwing away a relationship with their grandchild. What kind of grandparent does that? They should be BEYOND ashamed of themselves. Good riddance. I would personally feed any cards they sent my family unopened into the shredder and not give it a second thought. If they really wanted to make amends, it would take a HECK of a lot more than that.

Edited to add: On second thought, I think your DH should send THEM a card very calmly pointing out that by treating him the way they do, they are showing favoratism towards the brother, and destroying their relationship with him, AND their grandchildren. I'd love to see how they react to that. You know, I firmly belive in respecting elders/parents, but it goes BOTH WAY. Sometimes you have to call someone out on their behavior to feel any real peace.

 

[Hoodie]

This is one of the things that is making it hard for me to handle, I don't want to say anything against them, he is too young to explain the issues and I don't want it to turn into "why don't they love me?" how else does a 6 year old read it when their grandparents aren't interested?



My DH opened his and the ones DS has got, I haven't touched mine (pretty sure mine will say the same as his anyway), his is a standard card, nothing crazy or extraordinary, certainly not making him do cartwheels or anything

You can't really tell if the grandparents aren't interested. You and your DH decided to cut them out, obviously not the other way around since they are still trying to send cards and acknowledge their grandchild.

Given what you said about your DH and his brother, it seems that DH is seen by you and his parents as the more responsible, rational of the two. It would make sense that DH's parents would turn to him to "make it right" if they think his brother is the more immature one. Unfortunately both you and your husband showed that you can sink to that maturity level and have a fit over a boys weekend argument. This whole fight is over the idea that your BIL wanted to spend one on one time with his brother.

You are depriving your child of a relationship with your inlaws. Grow up and be the bigger person by maybe reaching out to them to see if they want to see him "hey, little Johnny has been asking about you guys and I thought maybe you'd like to spend some time with him." Could help repair the broken family.

Now, if they say no or cause more drama over it, then tell them to stop sending cards and end it.

 

[krcit]

Ask your DH how he would feel if he got a phone call saying his father(or mother) was dead. Would he not care or would he feel terrible that he has had no relationship with them for the last 3 years over something petty? Life is short and the rug can be pulled out from under you in a second so choose wisely.

 

[Magic Mom]

I may have posted before, this is an ongoing issue my DH doesn't confront, he will likely ignore a conflict and leave but I believe his parents made a conscious decision by telling him if his brother turns up he leaves because they don't want an issue.
DH is not as close to them, he moved out at 16 to join one of the armed forces and his brother moved out at 33 when his girlfriend became pregnant, they are very different people for siblings, DH is very independent and his brother and wife rely on the parents for alot of things (well, they did, I have no idea what goes on now).

The card thing is getting up my nose...alot. They make no other effort, I feel like they run back to their friends and say "we sent them a card and they didn't even say thankyou", like a card will make kicking their son out of their home ok.

And my DS asking about the grandparents, he remembers them, talks about them a little, we don't talk about the issues in front of him.
My Dh is very mild mannered, his brother is the one more likely to fly off the handle.
In all of this DH feels that we came second in everything, we're supposed to give into everything they say, the parents drive the boat, say what happens and the sons and their wives are the passengers and give in to everything they say, whether they agree or not.

Rethink that strategy. You aren't being fair to them OR you. You are creating scenarios and fighting fights that are non existent. You have no idea why they are sending cards (because you won't speak to them) and you have no idea what they are running to their friends saying. Stop creating drama that may or may not be there. If you have to stress over something, only do it over things that have actually happened, not imagined slights.

I know that is easier said than done(believe me I know), but think about the energy you are wasting fretting over something you are making up in your head (meaning what they are running back to their friends saying.)

Have you and you DH ever sat down with the parents and asked them why they expect you to leave when BIL shows up? Or did you just feel slighted and immediately cut ties? It sounds like your son is really missing his relationship with them, and that would be enough reason to me to try and get to the bottom of the conflict and sort things out.

 

[declansdad]

Sounds to me like you are only looking for advice that validates your feelings to continue to ignore the in-laws. Put me in the camp that says the cards are an attempt to reconnect. Many posters have said this but you have excuses for ignoring it.

Everybody communicates differently and some better than others. Perhaps your inlaws feel slighted as well. You did say you moved and didn't give them your new address. As a parent I would take that as a pretty big slap in the face. To me it seems as if you all over-reacted to a minor disagreement and let it grow into this major riff in your family.

 

[luvmy3]

Ask your DH how he would feel if he got a phone call saying his father(or mother) was dead. Would he not care or would he feel terrible that he has had no relationship with them for the last 3 years over something petty? Life is short and the rug can be pulled out from under you in a second so choose wisely.

ITA, you just never know what could happen.

OP, it does sound like your IL's are trying to reach out, albeit, in a passive aggressive way but sometimes people need a little help getting all the way there. I don't see the harm in meeting them half way, with an acknowledgment of their cards, even if its just a simple thank you note stating that you appreciate them thinking about you. Who knows what that could open the door to.

Of course, its easy for me to say, being an outsider, but like the pp said, life is short.