Another family issue

[becpee]

My DH is estranged from his family after a falling out with his brother, where seemingly his parents took sides and chose the other one.
It is coming up to 3 years since we have had any contact with them.
They send us birthday cards, they send them to my DH's work as we didn't give them a forwarding address when we moved, as far as DH was concerned there was no need to as after living in our old home for 5 years they visited maybe half a dozen times, distance wasn't the issue, as they lived a 7 minute drive away.
DH was pretty much banned from their home if his brother was there and if his brother turned up he was told he would be the one to have to leave, after this conversation that was pretty much the end of it, the choice had been made.
The thing that i'm not happy about is my DS6 who talks about "when I used to have a Granny and Poppy".
I change the subject when this comes up, I mean what can I say? And the birthday cards? Why send them? They make no effort to make things right, they made my DH feel unwelcome in their home, I feel like sending the cards back, mine is still in it's envelope ready and waiting, but I realise it's a pretty big step to throw it back in their face, especially when it's my DH's parents.
I feel like sending the card back with a note saying "I think you can do better than that" but I don't want to put anything in writing...
Would you return the cards? Would you continue on in life and bin them like you never got them? Mine is unopened, DH opened his, the usual greeting "From Mum and Dad". Nothing about we miss you, would love to see our grandson, we love you, I feel like they send a card so they can say "we sent a card and they didn't even thank us or anything".
I'm sure we're not the only one who've been in this sort of a situation, any advice?
Leave it alone?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My DH is estranged from his family after a falling out with his brother, where seemingly his parents took sides and chose the other one.
It is coming up to 3 years since we have had any contact with them.
They send us birthday cards, they send them to my DH's work as we didn't give them a forwarding address when we moved, as far as DH was concerned there was no need to as after living in our old home for 5 years they visited maybe half a dozen times, distance wasn't the issue, as they lived a 7 minute drive away.
DH was pretty much banned from their home if his brother was there and if his brother turned up he was told he would be the one to have to leave, after this conversation that was pretty much the end of it, the choice had been made.
The thing that i'm not happy about is my DS6 who talks about "when I used to have a Granny and Poppy".
I change the subject when this comes up, I mean what can I say? And the birthday cards? Why send them? They make no effort to make things right, they made my DH feel unwelcome in their home, I feel like sending the cards back, mine is still in it's envelope ready and waiting, but I realise it's a pretty big step to throw it back in their face, especially when it's my DH's parents.
I feel like sending the card back with a note saying "I think you can do better than that" but I don't want to put anything in writing...
Would you return the cards? Would you continue on in life and bin them like you never got them? Mine is unopened, DH opened his, the usual greeting "From Mum and Dad". Nothing about we miss you, would love to see our grandson, we love you, I feel like they send a card so they can say "we sent a card and they didn't even thank us or anything".
I'm sure we're not the only one who've been in this sort of a situation, any advice?
Leave it alone?

Just leave it alone. The card sending is an attempt to get under your skin and have a reaction. Do not fall into the trap.

Just get the cards, open them, and move on with life.

 

[jennyjinx3]

I agree with the PP, try to get on with your life. We too have a enstranged relationship with my MIL and SIL's. Only my DH's dad still comes to see our kids. We were torn up for 3 years about this but have come to realize we need to accept and move on. In our case, we did try to make amends several times and it was rejected.

The whole issue became a poisonous dark cloud over our marriage, and we knew it was best to let it go or it would start to affect us. The sad fact is some people are toxic, and the problem is more theirs than yours. As far as the kids go, we have explained it to them in terms they can understand and they are satisfied with that. They know we have tried to make things "right". Good luck, I know it is very hard dealing with a situation like this.

 

[Goofyluver]

Just leave it alone.

Sometimes no response is the most blatant/loud/noticeable response.

 

[becpee]

Thanks everybody, my DH says he is over it, but surely it has to be a little hurtful, and how can they ignore their grandchild? I find it strange
I've been holding onto the card for 3 weeks now...

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

Leave it alone. No need to make matters worse.

 

[EllenFrasier]

My DH is estranged from his family after a falling out with his brother, where seemingly his parents took sides and chose the other one.
It is coming up to 3 years since we have had any contact with them.
They send us birthday cards, they send them to my DH's work as we didn't give them a forwarding address when we moved, as far as DH was concerned there was no need to as after living in our old home for 5 years they visited maybe half a dozen times, distance wasn't the issue, as they lived a 7 minute drive away.
DH was pretty much banned from their home if his brother was there and if his brother turned up he was told he would be the one to have to leave, after this conversation that was pretty much the end of it, the choice had been made.
The thing that i'm not happy about is my DS6 who talks about "when I used to have a Granny and Poppy".
I change the subject when this comes up, I mean what can I say? And the birthday cards? Why send them? They make no effort to make things right, they made my DH feel unwelcome in their home, I feel like sending the cards back, mine is still in it's envelope ready and waiting, but I realise it's a pretty big step to throw it back in their face, especially when it's my DH's parents.
I feel like sending the card back with a note saying "I think you can do better than that" but I don't want to put anything in writing...
Would you return the cards? Would you continue on in life and bin them like you never got them? Mine is unopened, DH opened his, the usual greeting "From Mum and Dad". Nothing about we miss you, would love to see our grandson, we love you, I feel like they send a card so they can say "we sent a card and they didn't even thank us or anything".
I'm sure we're not the only one who've been in this sort of a situation, any advice?
Leave it alone?

We are only getting part of the story here. Why was there a falling out? Why did the parents choose the brother over your DH? Does the brother live at home with the parents? You said it's been 3 years since you've contacted them and you moved? They are making an attempt to contact you by sending cards to your Dh's work address. Are you doing anything to make an attempt to make amends? If not, then it is you and your Dh that have written off the parents, not the other way around.
My Dh has 3 siblings. Two of which he has nothing to do with. One live in another state and the other another country. When their parents died, they chose to not have anything to do with him and he likewise. We have not written or spoke to them in 15 years and them likewise. Now that is cutting off a relationship. Your Dh's parents are reaching out.

 

[ols386]

We are only getting part of the story here. Why was there a falling out? Why did the parents choose the brother over your DH? Does the brother live at home with the parents? You said it's been 3 years since you've contacted them and you moved? They are making an attempt to contact you by sending cards to your Dh's work address. Are you doing anything to make an attempt to make amends? If not, then it is you and your Dh that have written off the parents, not the other way around.
My Dh has 3 siblings. Two of which he has nothing to do with. One live in another state and the other another country. When their parents died, they chose to not have anything to do with him and he likewise. We have not written or spoke to them in 15 years and them likewise. Now that is cutting off a relationship. Your Dh's parents are reaching out.

I have to agree with you. Until the whole story is known, how can anyone make a real suggestion that might be of help to the op. Now maybe the story has has been told at some point in time in another thread, but I'm not aware of it.

Does seem like the Dh's parents are reaching out by sending the birthday cards (without knowing the back story).

 

[Mkrop]

I agree with the poster above, are they trying to reach out to make amends? Maybe the cards are simple gestures to start a dialogue, Maybe they realize they handled it wrong years ago, or like you said maybe they are just doing it to look good. It is up to your DH to decide if you want to send the cards back, or maybe he should call them and tell them that. If they say we miss or we are sorry then you know where you stand, if they still are hung up on the old disagreement, than he can politely tell them that the cards are sending mixed messages.

And many people dont get all gushy in card, they just sign their name, so just bc they dont write that they miss you guys or your son specifically does not mean they dont.

 

[RachaelA]

We are only getting part of the story here. Why was there a falling out? Why did the parents choose the brother over your DH? Does the brother live at home with the parents? You said it's been 3 years since you've contacted them and you moved? They are making an attempt to contact you by sending cards to your Dh's work address. Are you doing anything to make an attempt to make amends? If not, then it is you and your Dh that have written off the parents, not the other way around.
My Dh has 3 siblings. Two of which he has nothing to do with. One live in another state and the other another country. When their parents died, they chose to not have anything to do with him and he likewise. We have not written or spoke to them in 15 years and them likewise. Now that is cutting off a relationship. Your Dh's parents are reaching out.

I'm sure the OP and her husband have cell phones and there is a really good chance that the numbers have no changed and her ILs could have just as easily called them if they truly wanted to get in touch with them. This is all speculation of course, but there's a good chance I'm right.

 

[Mkrop]

I'm sure the OP and her husband have cell phones and there is a really good chance that the numbers have no changed and her ILs could have just as easily called them if they truly wanted to get in touch with them. This is all speculation of course, but there's a good chance I'm right.

My BIL (or I should say his wife) had a falling out with my ILs and it had trickled to us as well. We have no contact info for them if they ever got rid of their house line, we were never given cell phone #s. My MIL calls him at his office so not to upset the wife. My son is friends with my niece on FB, that is it. I have said to my DH what is something happens to your parents how do we reach your brother, and he said I guess his office, now that wont work if it is the middle of the night or on a Sunday but I stay out of it after that. It is a very strange dyanmic.

 

[Bob NC]

Until the whole story is known, how can anyone make a real suggestion that might be of help to the op.

Ummmm, this IS the Dis.

 

[becpee]

We are only getting part of the story here. Why was there a falling out? Why did the parents choose the brother over your DH? Does the brother live at home with the parents? You said it's been 3 years since you've contacted them and you moved? They are making an attempt to contact you by sending cards to your Dh's work address. Are you doing anything to make an attempt to make amends? If not, then it is you and your Dh that have written off the parents, not the other way around.
My Dh has 3 siblings. Two of which he has nothing to do with. One live in another state and the other another country. When their parents died, they chose to not have anything to do with him and he likewise. We have not written or spoke to them in 15 years and them likewise. Now that is cutting off a relationship. Your Dh's parents are reaching out.

The brothers had a fight over a golf weekend away where DH said he was taking his family and his brother objected and said it was supposed to be a "boys weekend", and DH said he's not interested in those type of things, he wanted to spend the time with his family there (like all the golf boys also do, his brother was the only one saying he waned a boys weekend only).
No, the brother does not live at home, he is married with children, the parents got involved and told DH to speak to his brother about it, and DH felt there was nothing to say about it, the weekend was always a family weekend, his brother wanted to force the issue and DH wouldn't buy into it anymore.
Yes, we moved and they had cut contact before that, told DH not to be in their home when his brother was there, DH's take on it was that his parents thought he should put his brother before his DW and child and make it the boys weekend when all the other golf families would be there, DH was not prepared to do that.
The last time DH spoke to his Dad was when he rang up to abuse him over the phone at 8:20am on a Sunday morning because all this was upsetting his mother.
I sort of think if she really wanted to make an effort she'd ring his workplace and speak to him, ask to meet him.
I walked past them in the shopping centre talking to my DH on the phone at the time, made eye contact (and was a bit shocked) and they went on their merry way, would it have been a little strange to make conversation then?
Maybe they were as shocked to see me as I was them? I don't know.

My take is the parents are the parents, regardless of whether they think which child is right or wrong they shouldn't choose between them, and they definately shouldn't be telling one to leave their home before they see how something plays out in their home, the brothers may have spoken and sorted themselves out but they made the situation worse by making a choice, which is probably the most hurtful thing to my DH

 

[happygirl]

The brothers had a fight over a golf weekend away where DH said he was taking his family and his brother objected and said it was supposed to be a "boys weekend", and DH said he's not interested in those type of things, he wanted to spend the time with his family there (like all the golf boys also do, his brother was the only one saying he waned a boys weekend only).
No, the brother does not live at home, he is married with children, the parents got involved and told DH to speak to his brother about it, and DH felt there was nothing to say about it, the weekend was always a family weekend, his brother wanted to force the issue and DH wouldn't buy into it anymore.
Yes, we moved and they had cut contact before that, told DH not to be in their home when his brother was there, DH's take on it was that his parents thought he should put his brother before his DW and child and make it the boys weekend when all the other golf families would be there, DH was not prepared to do that.
The last time DH spoke to his Dad was when he rang up to abuse him over the phone at 8:20am on a Sunday morning because all this was upsetting his mother.
I sort of think if she really wanted to make an effort she'd ring his workplace and speak to him, ask to meet him.
I walked past them in the shopping centre talking to my DH on the phone at the time, made eye contact (and was a bit shocked) and they went on their merry way, would it have been a little strange to make conversation then?
Maybe they were as shocked to see me as I was them? I don't know.

My take is the parents are the parents, regardless of whether they think which child is right or wrong they shouldn't choose between them, and they definately shouldn't be telling one to leave their home before they see how something plays out in their home, the brothers may have spoken and sorted themselves out but they made the situation worse by making a choice, which is probably the most hurtful thing to my DH

I feel like this is a silly reason to have any sort of fight. I think the parents are trying to make amends. I would encourage your hubby to make amends as well.

 

[Magic Mom]

I have to agree with you. Until the whole story is known, how can anyone make a real suggestion that might be of help to the op. Now maybe the story has has been told at some point in time in another thread, but I'm not aware of it.

Does seem like the Dh's parents are reaching out by sending the birthday cards (without knowing the back story).

Agreed. The parents may be trying to get under your skin, OR they may be trying to reach out.

OP Did you post about this before? Are the parents asking your husband to leave because they love the brother more, or because your DH doesn't deal well with his brother and it makes everyone uncomfortable?

As far as the kids asking about them, I don't think changing the subject (effectively ignoring the question) is the right thing to do. You have to be at least partially honest. Tell them the grandparents loved them, but made choices that you don't agree with so you feel it is beeter that they aren't a part of your life.

 

[diznygirl]

So you send the card back. Then what? Are you hoping the gesture will hurt them? Do you think they will call and yell? Call and apologize?

Exactly what does sending the card back get you?

Picking at it will only make it worse.

 

[punkin]

Over a golf weekend???!!!!!

WOW!!!!!

People sure have thin skins.

I once got into a horrendous fight with DSis (over something substantive) and we did not talk for a whole month and a half. Then, she sent me a birthday card and I called her and we talked and forgave each other. We were both wrong and both right and could have nursed our grievances forever, but we didn't because we were sisters and loved each other.

I think OP's ILs are trying to reach out. To deny your children their grandparents over a golf weekend is really strange to me.

 

[sunshinehighway]

The brothers had a fight over a golf weekend away where DH said he was taking his family and his brother objected and said it was supposed to be a "boys weekend", and DH said he's not interested in those type of things, he wanted to spend the time with his family there (like all the golf boys also do, his brother was the only one saying he waned a boys weekend only).
No, the brother does not live at home, he is married with children, the parents got involved and told DH to speak to his brother about it, and DH felt there was nothing to say about it, the weekend was always a family weekend, his brother wanted to force the issue and DH wouldn't buy into it anymore.
Yes, we moved and they had cut contact before that, told DH not to be in their home when his brother was there, DH's take on it was that his parents thought he should put his brother before his DW and child and make it the boys weekend when all the other golf families would be there, DH was not prepared to do that.
The last time DH spoke to his Dad was when he rang up to abuse him over the phone at 8:20am on a Sunday morning because all this was upsetting his mother.
I sort of think if she really wanted to make an effort she'd ring his workplace and speak to him, ask to meet him.
I walked past them in the shopping centre talking to my DH on the phone at the time, made eye contact (and was a bit shocked) and they went on their merry way, would it have been a little strange to make conversation then?
Maybe they were as shocked to see me as I was them? I don't know.

My take is the parents are the parents, regardless of whether they think which child is right or wrong they shouldn't choose between them, and they definately shouldn't be telling one to leave their home before they see how something plays out in their home, the brothers may have spoken and sorted themselves out but they made the situation worse by making a choice, which is probably the most hurtful thing to my DH

Sounds like a stupid thing to ruin a family over. Siblings, even adult ones, have disagreements. Of course the parents wanted them to speak and work it out. I have to wonder how it went from your DH refusing to work it out with his brother to not being allowed in his parents home while is brother is there.

 

[TheSchragFamily]

The brothers had a fight over a golf weekend away where DH said he was taking his family and his brother objected and said it was supposed to be a "boys weekend", and DH said he's not interested in those type of things, he wanted to spend the time with his family there (like all the golf boys also do, his brother was the only one saying he waned a boys weekend only).
No, the brother does not live at home, he is married with children, the parents got involved and told DH to speak to his brother about it, and DH felt there was nothing to say about it, the weekend was always a family weekend, his brother wanted to force the issue and DH wouldn't buy into it anymore.
Yes, we moved and they had cut contact before that, told DH not to be in their home when his brother was there, DH's take on it was that his parents thought he should put his brother before his DW and child and make it the boys weekend when all the other golf families would be there, DH was not prepared to do that.
The last time DH spoke to his Dad was when he rang up to abuse him over the phone at 8:20am on a Sunday morning because all this was upsetting his mother.
I sort of think if she really wanted to make an effort she'd ring his workplace and speak to him, ask to meet him.
I walked past them in the shopping centre talking to my DH on the phone at the time, made eye contact (and was a bit shocked) and they went on their merry way, would it have been a little strange to make conversation then?
Maybe they were as shocked to see me as I was them? I don't know.

My take is the parents are the parents, regardless of whether they think which child is right or wrong they shouldn't choose between them, and they definately shouldn't be telling one to leave their home before they see how something plays out in their home, the brothers may have spoken and sorted themselves out but they made the situation worse by making a choice, which is probably the most hurtful thing to my DH

Wow, that sounds like a ridiculous reason to never speak to your parents, child, or brother again. I think everyone involved is being childish.

 

[TheSchragFamily]

Wow, that sounds like a ridiculous reason to never speak to your parents, child, or brother again. I think everyone involved is being childish.

I forgot to add, except for the actual child, who is the only innocent victim here.