Another family issue

[Magic Mom]

Why didn't they ask the brother to bring them back? Could have been another opportunity for them to speak? Why not say to the brother "if you don't want them you take them back to him".
We had never not bought them a present for an occasion, the kids weren't involved in it, why should they suffer? It didn't cross our mind to not get them one...

Maybe they did, and he said no. The kids not getting their presents is not their fault.

 

[declansdad]

LOL you don't know her, i've seen her backstab her best friends and refuse to go to one of her best friends daughters wedding because she didn't like the groom, I don't get that...

You're still making excuses, you really don't want any advice.

 

[becpee]

You don't have to go to someone's house to start working things out. You can call, or ask to meet for a meal, or just call and set-up a day/time for him to go to his parents house and talk (there have to be times when the brother isn't there), or any other number of things. Just sounds like the parents don't want to hear the bickering between the brothers.

You are making excuses for dh.

If he doesn't want to reconcile, then that is his choice. It's his family. And it doesn't sound like he wants to.

Seriously, it sounds like everything has snow-balled. It's a shame really. Especially for your son.

The reason they were going to be in the house at the same time was because they would be looking after our son for a short time between me starting work and DH finishing, and BIL had his kids there every day so they may have crossed paths.
It wasn't to be a meeting place, more like ships passing.
DH feels like the other one, always has, his brother lived in that house double as long as DH did even though at the time he didn't live there.
DH is likely to be hurt, when your parents make a conscious decision of one sibling over another it would hurt.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Why didn't they ask the brother to bring them back? Could have been another opportunity for them to speak? Why not say to the brother "if you don't want them you take them back to him".
We had never not bought them a present for an occasion, the kids weren't involved in it, why should they suffer? It didn't cross our mind to not get them one...

Maybe that is what you would have done in their situation. Your way is not the only way. You are making up reasons why they do the things they do and using that to justify this petty fight. You said these things are real in your mind. Maybe it is only in your mind that they are real.

 

[becpee]

Maybe they did, and he said no. The kids not getting their presents is not their fault.

I asked my mum what she would have done and she said number one I would not have gotten involved in the fight in the first place, and number two, if he didn't want the stuff and didn't want to return it himself I would have pretended he took it for the kids.

Sort of makes me feel like they fueled the fire...

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I think your husband should reconcile with his parents and brother.

 

[mickeyboat]

I think your DH is going to be sorry some day that he allowed something so petty to destroy his relationship with his parents and his brother.

And a word of caution to you, OP ... make sure this disagreement is never couched in terms of your DH choosing you over his parents. That is almost certain to backfire on you. I have seen it happen.

 

[Hoodie]

I asked my mum what she would have done and she said number one I would not have gotten involved in the fight in the first place, and number two, if he didn't want the stuff and didn't want to return it himself I would have pretended he took it for the kids.

Sort of makes me feel like they fueled the fire...

It might make YOU feel that way but they probably thought they were just helping so you could return them.

Now sending an unopened card back WOULD be fueling the fire.

 

[sbell111]

Did your DH try contacting them? Or does he even want to have a relationship with them now? If he doesn't want to have a relationship with them, then what is the problem?

The problem is that the OP and her husband are cheating their son out of having a relationship with his grandparents.

If these people were monsters, I would be completely on their side to cut them out of the child's life. However, that doesn't appear to be the case.

The OP's husband needs to put on his big boy pants and work out the issue with his parents. The OP needs to support that and otherwise stay out of the issue.

 

[Magic Mom]

I asked my mum what she would have done and she said number one I would not have gotten involved in the fight in the first place, and number two, if he didn't want the stuff and didn't want to return it himself I would have pretended he took it for the kids.

Sort of makes me feel like they fueled the fire...

But your mom isn't them, so they probably do things differently than she does. Maybe they felt badly about the gifts and thought they were doing the right thing.

 

[happygirl]

As Dr.Phil would say Do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy

 

[eeyoremum]

On the surface this may seem petty BUT it might have just been the straw that broke the camels back. Only your family knows what the background factors were.

OP, if you husband feels strongly all you can do is support him. If he chooses not to allow contact to your son then again you support him.

As for the card, pitch it or if you want to make a statement send it back unopened. Personally since your son has no contact why have him open a card from strangers?

If you truly don't want contact ever than he will eventually forget about them and that will be that. When he is 18 he can choose to seek them out if he wants but until then leave it alone.

 

[disykat]

While I agree that the cards shouldn't be sent back, I find this funny. People say sending back the card would be hurtful to the inlaws, yet seem to think that the inlaws getting involved in returning unopened presents to the OP and her husband was a good thing.

Yes, by your BIL, not the parents. They were just returning the gifts so you could get your money back. They don't have a say about whether the niece and nephew open your presents.

It might make YOU feel that way but they probably thought they were just helping so you could return them.

Now sending an unopened card back WOULD be fueling the fire.

While we don't know the whole story, it seems to me that the inlaws have gone out of their way to blame and hurt the OP and her husband for something that they shouldn't have taken sides on in the first place. I totally get why a card with "happy birthday" written on it wouldn't be treasured as a loving gesture.

 

[MSLRAC]

I have done, and at this stage he says he's not interested in making it right, and that it wouldn't matter anyway, he thinks whoever is left would say "what are you doing here and what do you want?" if he turned up anywhere near them.

That is easy to say until it happens. DH lost a couple of years with his father because his mother is an abusive alcoholic and we drew the line when she started her verbal abuse with our oldest DD. DH's parents had no clue that we had DS or that our youngest DD was on the way when DH just happened to run into his dad at a fast food place...that was in Nov 2008 and his dad passed in Aug 2009 from liver cancer. DH still regrets losing that time with his dad and it wasn't over something so silly as a golf weekend.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

In my head the scenarios are real, this is what MIL is like, everything is about appearances, things aren't done to be nice, and everything has a trade off or a price.

Have you even considered the possibility that your attitude towards this whole thing from the beginning has helped fuel this rather ridiculous feud?

It sounds to me like you were pleased your DH wanted you to come to the golf weekend and further that he "chose" you over his brother and parent's, etc.

You are the one who seems most invested in continuing all the drama.

Good lord, girl. Love your husband and son enough to figure out how to help heal this situation. Don't you realize you're teaching your son how to treat you? You may think you're glossing it over, but he's taking notes.

Why not give him the gift of learning to reconcile, regardless of who was "right" or "wrong"? I mean, does it really matter at this point?

 

[padams]

The problem is that the OP and her husband are cheating their son out of having a relationship with his grandparents.

If these people were monsters, I would be completely on their side to cut them out of the child's life. However, that doesn't appear to be the case.

The OP's husband needs to put on his big boy pants and work out the issue with his parents. The OP needs to support that and otherwise stay out of the issue.

 

[Andtototoo]

I just happened to click on the other thread asking if we think life is random or predetermined and the OP posted this:

I think everything is predetermined, we can't change it, it's just how it is.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?p=44151701#post44151701


That belief explains why she seems uninterested in changing the status quo on the estrangement. She doesn't believe in free will or changing situations.

 

[disykat]

I understand that there are two sides to every story and that the OP is probably not without some culpability in this.

However, I'm sort of appalled that so many people think that parents saying to one child "you are welcome in our home UNLESS our other child comes and then you need to be the one to leave so he will feel comfortable." is perfectly reasonable.

 

[Mkrop]

Am I the only one to think that the IL's are enabling DB? "Jim" throws a temper tantrum because he wants "Jack" to go to a golfing weekend without the wife and kids. Jack wants DW & kids to go along since that's the way it's always been and, besides, "John" and "Dave" are bringing their families. Jim goes whining to mommy and daddy that mean brother Jack won't do what HE wants Jack to do and mommy and daddy agree that Jack is the bad guy. Mean Jack must kowtow to DB's wishes and, until Jack sees the error of his ways, he is no longer welcome in their home while Jim is around.

Mommy and Daddy - if they were REALLY intent on the boys patching things up - should have invited BOTH boys to their home and insist that they patch things up right there and then. If Jack or Jim left in a huff with that, then yes, that boy is the child and needs to reevaluate the situation. If Mom and Dad wanted to remain neutral, then both boys should be welcome no matter who is there. If one decides to leave because the other is there or shows up, that's an immature reaction that, as a parent, I personally wouldn't put up with let alone condone.

It doesn't sound to me like OP and dh are the ones keeping Granny and Grampa away. IMHO, the IL's are the ones to start the rift between them and DH and, if they TRULY wanted to make amends, a birthday card ain't it. They know where DH works - call him. Ask him to meet them to talk. Ask him if they can see the kids. Sending cards is either a way to get under OP & DH's skin or it's a way for the IL's to convince themselves that they're "doing everything they can". Bah!

OP - toss the card. Don't give them any ammunition to say "see - look how horrible she is. SHE's the one keeping the grandkids away from us!". Toss it and don't give it a second thought.

I think calling the man at work has to be the worst advice ever! The workplace is not the place to discuss any of this.

I asked my mum what she would have done and she said number one I would not have gotten involved in the fight in the first place, and number two, if he didn't want the stuff and didn't want to return it himself I would have pretended he took it for the kids.

Sort of makes me feel like they fueled the fire...

They are not your mother. Just bc she would do things a certain way does not make it the ONLY way to deal with things.

And you think it would have been better for your ILs to LIE about what happened to the presents never making it to your niece and nephew, than be honest and bring them to you. Wow!

I think this feud is ridiculous. Wanting a guys weekend away is not a mortal sin, it doesnt mean he doesnt care about his family. I would not have allowed something so foolish to come btw myself and my family members. Fine be mad for a bit, even be extra mad at mom and dad for getting involved but then put it behind you. And the minute my child asked about them, if they were truly not toxic, would be the minute I would be encouraging my DH to mend fences!

 

[sunshinehighway]

I understand that there are two sides to every story and that the OP is probably not without some culpability in this.

However, I'm sort of appalled that so many people think that parents saying to one child "you are welcome in our home UNLESS our other child comes and then you need to be the one to leave so he will feel comfortable." is perfectly reasonable.

If that's really how it happened, then of course it isn't right. I don't know. Based on the Op's admission of her husband's unwillingness to talk to the brother from the beginning and her "true in her mind" statements, I have a hard time believing that's really how it all went down.
I have to wonder if it were her own parents being denied a relationship with her child, would she find a way to move on for the sake of her child.