Working moms: Do you feel held back?

[Gracie09]

I agree this is a marriage issue not a working mom issue. I stayed home for 4 years after my daughter was born. I did all the house stuff - cooking cleaning errands doctors visits etc. When I went back to work DH and I had a discussion about how we would now break these up. I get the kids ready and to school in the morning. Do daily pick up around the house, plan dinner. He does laundry and dishes. We split cooking dinner and taking care of kids at night (baths, bedtime etc). Doctors visits are split. I tend to be the emergency contact because I am physically closer but he is responsible for taking the next day off if its a sick thing (but that can be negotiated depending on what is going on with dh's job and my job). We keep a calendar of family events. We put on there dates that we HAVE to be at work. DH does make more than me but my job is as important as his. I gave up a lot to stay home with my kids (money and position) so now is the time I have to start climbing back up. He is 100% supportive even encouraging me to go back to school so I can advance quicker. (I am starting in a few weeks).

eta - we also decided to get a cleaning person twice a month. Best money we spend. There is still pick up and some light housekeeping to do but its much easier to fit it in.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You clearly have some bitterness/resentment to work through. I think the previous suggestions of some counseling are in order. I'm not saying you're "wrong" to feel this way, but it's not healthy to let it fester.

Otherwise you're going to wind up divorced - and as the primary bread winner, you COULD very well end up supporting him forever.

This is the most critical aspect honestly.

Resentment is the beginning of the end of a marriage.

 

[brockash]

I'm and RN and I currently work a PRN contract. Today an opportunity came up for me to earn an extra $24k per year. I would love to jump on this opportunity, but it would require me to commit to working three 12 hour shifts per week. Which in theory sounds do able, but I would have to schedule myself in advance, whereas in my current contract I decide whether to work day by day.

In talking to DH and his mom about it (she's our babysitter when I work), they are discouraging it for several reasons. DH works a mon-Fri job, with no flexibility. So if DD get sick or something, I have to be the one to take off. I am the one who does laundry, shops, cooks, takes DD to dance class and homeschool co op and all the fun activities we do. I am also the one responsible for earning the lion's share of our income and paying the bills.

DH is currently taking grad school classes and will be done in December. We have around $6k left in tuition due by Aug 22. The extra money would help with that. Additionally, we need to fix up the house a bit and potentially have a big move in our future after he graduates, so the boost in income will help

I feel like I'm in such a catch 22. I'm supposed to earn the money, pay the bills, be the wife and mom, and work around everyone's schedules. I feel like I work the hardest in the family and yet when I have an opportunity to move ahead career wise, I have to turn it down, because of other factors in my life.

Anyone else feel this way? How do you make your career goals work with your family goals?

Absolutely, all the time. I never thought about it before I had kids, but it really was such a luxury to be able to work as much as I wanted and never have to worry about raising kids along with it, or the whole balancing act. If ppl. don't have to do it they really have no idea, just as I never used to, but it's was soooo much easier before having kids.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

To answer the original question the OP asked in her initial post, "working moms: do you feel held back?" Yes, I do, but that's my choice.

Before I had my daughter I had a very high paying job that involved frequent business travel. I chose to give that job up once I had my daughter--I wasn't comfortable with extensive business travel while she was an infant, and I honestly didn't feel like I would be ready to go back to work at all any time soon once she was born.

I stayed home for 6 months and then got a part time (24 hr/week) consulting job in my industry where I primarily worked from home. We hired a nanny to come to our home to watch our daughter--I much preferred that over a day care for our situation. I had my second daughter this past December and I went back after 3 months and I now work 30 hours/week (still have a nanny).

Yes, I'm held back in my career. My peers who don't put restrictions on how much they want to travel or how many hours that work are free to advance in their careers--they can take the lucrative travel-intensive contracts and become managers and executives. My career, while working with these limitations is stuck in a status quo with really no future advancements open to me unless I at least want to work full time.

However, I try not to feel bad about it--it's my choice to work in this fashion for the sake of getting to spend more time with my girls. I'm also aware of the fact that most people couldn't work a reduced-hour schedule like I do and have it make sense financially, with child care costs often outweighing salary for part-time work. In fact, until my husband's recent promotion, I was the primary income owner working part-time. So, I just try to be grateful for the opportunity I've been given.

Regarding the OP's situation, I would strongly consider taking it. Working 3 12-hour shifts still leaves lots of quality time with your child and the pay raise you mentioned is significant. Working parents everywhere figure out how to handle sick kids--you guys would, too. Does your husband not have sick time? You mentioned he had a rigid schedule, but things "come up" in every profession.

Having a sitter come to your home might help your situation--a nanny can do light housekeeping and laundry. However, it's more expensive than daycare or someone's in-home daycare, so there's that to think about. You mentioned not knowing someone--most people use Care dot com if they don't know someone to hire. I've used it to hire all my nannies.

One question I have--I had the impression that as an RN, it is fairly common to work 12 hour shifts and that nurses can somewhat easily take a full time or a part time job. Is this a "once in a lifetime" opportunity or an option that would be there in the future?

 

[brockash]

I really do appreciate your concern (truly, not being snarky at all), but I don't see what's so abnormal about feeling torn and slightly resentful about being pushed to turn this down. I'm not depressed about it or anything, this is just really the first time I've seen what it really means to be a working mom and be mommy-tracked. I'll get over it, it just feels so unfair at the moment. But I chose to become a mother and this may be one of those times when being a mom trumps following my goals.

I think ppl. are saying that the issue really isn't the job, it's your DH's attitude and the unbalance of workload/tasks in your family. I get it, I too am basically in the same position as far as the kids are basically my responsibility unless I make special arrangements. It frustrates me and yes I'm resentful and at times pretty envious of how little outside of his job my DH is responsible for, but it is what it is and at this point there just aren't any other healthy options for my kids, so we make it work. Absolutely means I have to miss out on a lot of advancement, always have in my individual life/career, but I love my kids and I love being their mom and they didn't ask to be brought in this world, so I'm totally happy to be the best parent I can be for my kids...it would just be nice to have a partner in that. If you think changing it is an option in your family situation/marriage, then by all means that should happen, but I also understand if it's not. You have to do what's best for your kiddo.

 

[piccolopat]

What is your DH going to grad school for and how plentiful are the "better jobs" that he thinks he will get? If I were you, I would take the job. Having the extra money will enable you to get by more easily if his dream job doesn't materialize. In addition, studying or not, there is no excuse for him to not have family and child rearing responsibilities. Does he never watch a ball game, go out with friends, hang out and do nothing? If he has time for that, he has time to help you. You are his wife, not his mother. By the way, your daughter will probably thrive in day care with other kids. Check our references and be smart about the facility you choose. Start out with one day a week if it makes you feel better. My MIL/FIL watched our DD until DH got hurt on the job and retired, and then he took care of her. The problem we found is that she grew up so used to being around adults that when she started preschool at age 4 she had a hard time socializing with kids. Take at least on, but preferably two of your shifts on the weekend. DH can take care of your daughter and the house while you work the weekends and you don't have to worry about him getting her someplace for care. It sounds like it's about time he did his fair share. He can study while the laundry is going or when supper is in the oven (you can prepare meals when you are home and freeze them for him to just reheat). He can study when your daughter is playing or napping. Don't feel bad about bringing dinner home once in a while or letting the house be less than perfect.

 

[Darcy03231]

To answer your question, no I have never felt like I've been held back. That's because DH and I work as a team. It's not all on me. I'm with the others in thinking that you don't have a work issue, you have a marriage issue. Depending on what was going on we figured who was dropping kids off, picking them up, bringing them to after school activities, etc. Housework was whoever got to it first. I never felt like I was doing it all on my own. There were some weeks that DH did more than me because I was stuck at work on a big project and other times I did more than him because he had a lot going on with work.

I'd take the job and then make the rest of it work.

 

[DawnM]

I am feeling so resentful over this. Because when we don't have as much money as we'd like, I'm the one who takes the heat for it. DH gets mad that I don't work more, since I always have the option. I literally make 4x what he does, this would increase it to almost 5 x his pay, and I have to walk away. It's killing me.

If you make that much more, why doesn't he stay home? That makes no sense to me to have him work full time while you turn down opportunities to make literally another one of his salaries.

 

[learningtolive]

I always feel held back when it comes to jobs. Like right now I wish I could work PRN at this hospital 20 miles away because it pays GREAT for my experience but I'm my daughter's sole caretaker as my husband works a lot of overtime. My pay is more but I'm salaried at regular job and the PRN time would be when he's doing his overtime. Makes me sad because I work outpatient as an RN and would love like one day a week to do inpatient.

 

[VandVsmama]

I had a couple more thoughts re: your original question...

There have been lots of times when my DH has had to pick up the slack when my job has been especially demanding. For awhile when my kids were 2 years old and the youngest was still an infant, I had to travel for work every other week. I left home on a Monday afternoon and didn't return until last Thursday night. It really sucked. Thank goodness for DH during those times! There was also a year and a half when I was working a contract gig and my commute was an hour and a half one way. That was the job I had after the one that involved so much travel...the big benefit of that job was at least I could tuck my kids into bed every night. But DH still had to do a lot...get kids ready for daycare, drop them off, etc. We traded off...he'd do mornings and I handled the evenings.

Now he's in a job that will require him to travel occasionally and I'm going to be playing the role of both parents on the days that he's away. That's just how it goes...give and take.

Earlier in our marriage, I was the sole bread winner (this was before kids) while DH finished college.

Usually, home schooling & working don't work well together. As your 4 yr old DD approached kindergarten age, you & DH will need to make some decisions re: her education and I'm sure that you're already considering that.

In terms of the original question re: have I ever felt held back? Sometimes yes. In fact, right now, my career is held back a bit. But there are trade offs. My kids love love LOVE their year-round swim team. If I had a different job with more demanding hours, I wouldn't be able to get them to swim practice and they pretty much would have to stop something that they're totally passionate about.

In your case, of course, a big deciding factor is simple economics. Re: the topic of putting one's child in a daycare center, something to just consider is that once your child gets to know her caregivers, the daycare center teachers are really not strangers.

Pretty soon, of course, your DD will be in kindergarten, so if she's at a regular school, you'd need after school care. Probably before school care, too, if you & DH's work schedules are such that you'd have to drop her off somewhere prior to the start of the school day.

I personally disagree with the idea that because you are the primary breadwinner, that it gives you the authority to just tell your DH what to do and he'll have to go along with it or else. That's not what a marriage based on a true partnership really should be based on. An extra $24,000 is nothing to sneeze at.

If you & DH are having difficulty deciding, I would suggest making a list of all of the pro's and con's of both keeping your current job and switching to the more lucrative job. Sometimes when DH and I are having a really hard time making a big decision on something like this, that's what we do and it's worked out pretty well for us so far and we've been married for 20 years. It might help you & DH avoid making a decision based on emotions and instead, making a decision based on the facts in front of you.

 

[DopeyDame]

As many others have said, this is a marriage/family issue and not a working mom issue.

Even the way you word your question points to the lack of autonomy you feel about choices for your own life.
I work part time and am definitely the default parent, although my husband does a ton (including getting the kids ready and taking them to school virtually every morning). My job is very flexible and I take advantage of that. I am absolutely *not* where I would have been in my career if I stayed on the full-time track that I had been on.
But I don't feel held back. That implies that someone else is doing something to me to not let me advance. I have chosen to prioritize flexibility and family obligations over career advancement for this part of my life. It's a decision DH and I made together and one that I fully own.

For an extra 24K a year, you could easily hire a part time nanny to help with the child care and transportation issues and get a housekeeper every other week.
There are MANY many solutions that would enable you to take the new job and still have your family function. Some of those solutions will involve you confronting your husband and having him step up his game.
If you don't want to implement any of the possible solutions and just stay with the status quo, that's totally fine and a totally legitimate decision. But you have to recognize that you DO have choices and options and you have to own that responsibility.

 

[Minnesota!]

Well, no, nobody who provides childcare would a) be raising my kid or b) be a stranger. I intend to kown anyone caring for my child, and know them well. If that means researching them, interviews, references.

It rely is more of an issue regarding the role I and many working mom's serve in the household. Maybe more so where I'm from, but mom's are expected to be the caregivers, the ones who are more flexible, the cooks and housekeepers and run the kids to sports and school and events. I am expected to homeschool DD on top of everything else, when she gets to that age. So yes, my role as mom and my role as career woman are butting heads and I feel pushed to take less money because everyone relies on me to be flexible and available.

Uh, where do you live? Just so I can cross it off my list. That would be miserable if everyone "expected" that mom is the primary. And why are you expected to homeschool? No way in hell I would give up a fantastic paying job doing something (I assume) you love in order to homeschool. Use some of that money and put her in a good private school if you are worried about poor schools around you.

Nope, no way. My family comes first, sure, but that does not mean I have to be with them every minute and give up everything about myself. Working is WHY I am able to put my family first.

Take the job, tell your husband to suck it up and pull his share, and show your daughter, now, that as a woman, she has the options.

What if it were her in this situation with her future husband…what advice would you give and hope to see her take? Would you want to see her bend to her husband just because he is the man?

 

[ariel71]

Based on the salaries you mentioned in another thread and what you've said here, I'm flabbergasted that your husband's job holds much weight in these decisions, including possibly moving after he's done with grad school. The only person "holding you back" or "mommy-tracking" is you, because you seem to have ceded almost all power in your marriage to your husband. You've also made comments that pretty clearly show that you're resentful of that fact but not quite willing to address the root cause. As others have said, this isn't a parenting or work issue, it's a marriage issue.

 

[scoutie]

I agree that it's a marriage problem. It looks like you do everything, while your DH does nothing except go to school (unless there is something I am missing). To put this into perspective, I worked full time, went to grad school, was pregnant, and took care of my two kids. If my DH didn't take over some of the household things, I would have had a breakdown. For you to be responsible for EVERYTHING is too much.

I would take the job, look into good childcare, and talk to your DH.

 

[HM]

We've never used a babysitter. I have always had 2 trusted back-ups but I've never actually phoned that favor in. They are both mom's who run in-home daycares and would be paid. Idk, it scares me to take that step, but is certainly on option. We've only ever had family watch her, so it would be a change. DD know both the potential back ups well and likes them, and she's old enough now to talk and let us know if she's unhappy there, so it could work.

This is great! Ask them if they can do the job for the hours you'd need them and go from there.
You may not know it but it's actually a good thing for young children to get to know other adults besides family and interact with other young children.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

So if DD get sick or something, I have to be the one to take off. I am the one who does laundry, shops, cooks, takes DD to dance class and homeschool co op and all the fun activities we do. I am also the one responsible for earning the lion's share of our income and paying the bills.

.....so he might not like using some of his study time to drive DD to a babysitter.

I am feeling so resentful over this. Because when we don't have as much money as we'd like, I'm the one who takes the heat for it. DH gets mad that I don't work more

You have every right to be resentful. Your husband seems like a dreadful human being.

Take the job. Find a good daycare. Pay someone to take your daughter to daycare, since her father is a waste.

Then really, really think "is this the man I want to grow old with?"

I would be sick to my stomach if I had to live with a "man" like your husband.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I did not read all posts but my 2 cents, for what it's worth, is take the job. I don't think you will regret it and you will learn to balance everything at home just like most working mom's do. I have always worked and where there is a will there is a way. Good luck with whatever decision you make Happy.

 

[Christine]

I think the OP needs to come on back in and say whether the daycare is negotiable. Just from reading these boards for years, I've realized that having someone else care for your children is a non-starter for some people. Period. Not gonna happen. The OP talks vaguely about these stay at home moms she knows that could pitch in a pinch, but has never fully stated whether using regular daycare or, for that matter, regular schooling is something that she would change her mind on.

We can give all the great, practical advice in the world here but if the OP and her husband are not going to send their child out (and that's a decision they get to make) then this thread and advice is really pointless.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Jobs, such as serving/bartending, that involve pooling and sharing your money with other people can bring about a lot of complexities as you might imagine. As such, there's a "rule" in the restaurant world that everyone should be working equally hard at all times. The only time it's acceptable for your coworker to be drowning in their work is if everyone is drowning at the same time. You do not get to provide service to three customers while your coworker struggles to keep up with forty and then walk out at the end of the night with equal reward. Pull that stunt one too many times and you'll find yourself cut from the equation. I tend to think marriages should take a hint from the restaurant industry.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I had this situation with my husband and now he's my XH. The difference with us was that he made more money than I did. Since he made more he felt that my job was worthless and his took priority. Taking promotions and such was out of the question because no way could my job interfere with his job even though he had a cushy state job with tons of time off and a great union.

I was expected to do all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, school functions, child rearing, calling out of work, taking time off for kids, he never woke up once in the middle of the night, I had to find my own childcare for extra things I wanted to do because he needed his time (kind of like with your DH not wanting to cut into his free time to take your DD to daycare) AND WORK MY FULL TIME JOB. I think in his eyes I was expected to do this because I couldn't live up to contributing half to the household even though I made half than him and when I didn't it was a problem about how I couldn't pull my own weight financially.

It got old...FAST. Resentment took over and I was sick of him. So I got a divorce and now I do it all minus having him around to do crap for. Life is so much easier.