Working moms: Do you feel held back?

[FlightlessDuck]

Will DH make more money once he completes grad school?

Is wanting this job just for the money, or is it more about getting ahead in your career?

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Will DH make more money once he completes grad school?

Is wanting this job just for the money, or is it more about getting ahead in your career?

Yes, DH will make more money after he graduates, either by getting a better paying job or he will work 2 jobs. I'm not supporting him forever.

I want to take this contract mostly for the money. I have a lot to pay for in the way of tuition and possible moving expenses, home repairs, a few old medical bills, and an extra 18 or so grand after taxes would really help out with that.

 

[Minnesota!]

I'm not against the idea of taking turns per say, but would never tell DW "it's your turn today because I did it last time", nor would my wife ever pull that on me.

There have been plenty of times I've taken off 2-3 times in a row, and she's done the same. An equitable division of responsibilities doesn't mean a strict adherence to "your turn, my turn".

This is how we operate, too. I mean, it works out that we switch off. But, if one of us COULDN'T for some reason, the other would. Or make it work .

OP, you need to think about the control thing you have going on as well. As women we want to be perfect and have it all. That includes perfectly groomed acting right children, no dust bunnies hiding houses, cleaned out cars and gourmet meals on the table. Reality is that not that and not even close. You're not sure you want your daughter in day care, you don't think your husband would or could take days off or get your child to wherever (by the way that's called parenting) and I'm sure there are many other thoughts and reasoning. The bottom line to an extent is your control and boundaries. If you are feeling overworked, it's because you probably want things done a certain way and it's just easier to do it yourself (I"m just guessing)

So in a way the only person holding you back is you.

I don't have children and I still have difficulty finding a work and life balance. I work around 50-60 hours a week and travel minimum 5-7 days a month. The answer is I don't care how my dishwasher is loaded, some times we have sandwiches and fruit for dinner, pizza delivers and having clean kitchen, clothes and bathrooms is just sometimes good enough for me.

Tina - once again, you are the best voice of reason on these boards!

Signed - a mom who is serving tuna fish sandwiches and yogurt for dinner tonight.

 

[clutter]

Never mind. I had a long post typed out but it seems like OP isn't receptive to a lot of the great advice so far given.

Bottom line, this isn't "women in the workplace" issue, this is a marriage issue, and this complaint belittles the struggles of women who really DO have to turn down great opportunities for legitimate reasons. There's really nothing holding OP back other than a lazy and controlling husband.

Can I like this twice? I agree. It really belittles the struggles of all the moms who don't have family nearby, and who have to find, and pay for, daycare. This is really a disguised 'I don't want my kid raised by strangers!'

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Well, no, nobody who provides childcare would a) be raising my kid or b) be a stranger. I intend to kown anyone caring for my child, and know them well. If that means researching them, interviews, references.

It rely is more of an issue regarding the role I and many working mom's serve in the household. Maybe more so where I'm from, but mom's are expected to be the caregivers, the ones who are more flexible, the cooks and housekeepers and run the kids to sports and school and events. I am expected to homeschool DD on top of everything else, when she gets to that age. So yes, my role as mom and my role as career woman are butting heads and I feel pushed to take less money because everyone relies on me to be flexible and available.

 

[loves to dive]

Another single mom here, I would have loved to even have had the option to make such a decision. My ex didn't even take my son (yes he's mine not ours, he only contributed sperm, he didn't parent) except may one night a month and didn't pay child support until I took him to court, over and over. Like others, my son had cereal for supper many nights and my house was clean enough but I wouldn't have advised eating off the floor. My son was in public school and went to day care before he was old enough to go to school. His sister (by another mother, she lived with their dad) didn't go to day care, she stayed with his mother until she started school, the difference in the two kids as far as their being able to cope in social situations was huge. She cried and held onto me and wouldn't let me go the day we took her to kindergarten for the first time. My son walked in the room, found a little boy who was crying, said bye mom I gotta go take care of this kid. Take the job and tell DH to suck it up buttercup and be a parent.

 

[lovemygoofy]

Well, no, nobody who provides childcare would a) be raising my kid or b) be a stranger. I intend to kown anyone caring for my child, and know them well. If that means researching them, interviews, references.

It rely is more of an issue regarding the role I and many working mom's serve in the household. Maybe more so where I'm from, but mom's are expected to be the caregivers, the ones who are more flexible, the cooks and housekeepers and run the kids to sports and school and events. I am expected to homeschool DD on top of everything else, when she gets to that age. So yes, my role as mom and my role as career woman are butting heads and I feel pushed to take less money because everyone relies on me to be flexible and available.

Learn to say no and learn to share the load. Generally women feel the need for perfection in the household but you have a partner. Let him be an active partner.

Let me tell you when I first got married a hundred years ago, my husband could not cook. I told him we would figure something out because I"m just as important as he is. I worked hour for hour that he did. Every night I would pull out a recipe and the things for the meal. The man is smart enough to open cans, start browning meat or grill some chicken.

Fast forward hundred years and he is rather semi important (in his own mind at least) and I still can match him hour for hour of work. He now understand the importance of a toilet brush, how to mop OUR kitchen floor, and can make dinners all on his own with no recipe cards. He is my partner and he is active and participating.

You have to decide you don't want to do it all yourself. You are married with a partner for a reason. Share your household.

 

[mom2rtk]

Well, no, nobody who provides childcare would a) be raising my kid or b) be a stranger. I intend to kown anyone caring for my child, and know them well. If that means researching them, interviews, references.

It rely is more of an issue regarding the role I and many working mom's serve in the household. Maybe more so where I'm from, but mom's are expected to be the caregivers, the ones who are more flexible, the cooks and housekeepers and run the kids to sports and school and events. I am expected to homeschool DD on top of everything else, when she gets to that age. So yes, my role as mom and my role as career woman are butting heads and I feel pushed to take less money because everyone relies on me to be flexible and available.

I must have missed something. Why are you expected to homeschool while working outside the home?

Ultimately, if you aren't prepared to fully share all of that home stuff, you probably do need to maintain something with maximum flexibility.

Do you guys plan to have more children?

 

[jrmasm]

Well, no, nobody who provides childcare would a) be raising my kid or b) be a stranger. I intend to kown anyone caring for my child, and know them well. If that means researching them, interviews, references.

It rely is more of an issue regarding the role I and many working mom's serve in the household. Maybe more so where I'm from, but mom's are expected to be the caregivers, the ones who are more flexible, the cooks and housekeepers and run the kids to sports and school and events. I am expected to homeschool DD on top of everything else, when she gets to that age. So yes, my role as mom and my role as career woman are butting heads and I feel pushed to take less money because everyone relies on me to be flexible and available.

Who expects this?


And seems to me that if you are expected to take a traditional role in your family, the expectation should be the same for your husband, He needs to man up and get two, three more jobs until he is earning enough to support his family.

After all, fair is fair.

 

[okeydokey]

Well, no, nobody who provides childcare would a) be raising my kid or b) be a stranger. I intend to kown anyone caring for my child, and know them well. If that means researching them, interviews, references.

It rely is more of an issue regarding the role I and many working mom's serve in the household. Maybe more so where I'm from, but mom's are expected to be the caregivers, the ones who are more flexible, the cooks and housekeepers and run the kids to sports and school and events. I am expected to homeschool DD on top of everything else, when she gets to that age. So yes, my role as mom and my role as career woman are butting heads and I feel pushed to take less money because everyone relies on me to be flexible and available.

Do you want to homeschool her? Will you quit your career in order to do that. It is OK to say you will not. In fact, since you make 5x what your husband does, it makes sense for him to be the stay at home parent and handle childcare and homeschooling if he is so high on the idea.

And honestly, why does it matter what other Moms in your area do? What works best for your family may be different.

 

[wvjules]

So you're basically a single mom. Even worse. as a single mom I was able to make decisions. apparently you are controlled by everyone but you. Being a single mom would be easier.

 

[jrmasm]

So you're basically a single mom. Even worse. as a single mom I was able to make decisions. apparently you are controlled by everyone but you. Being a single mom would be easier.

A single mom with 2 children.

 

[Shmily1]

I would go for the job. Let your DH figure some things out for himself. He relies on you too much and you have too much pressure on you for the home stuff. Do you think you'd like the new job? If so, make it work.

 

[Christine]

It seems to me that if you are against having non-family members care for your child plus you are required to homeschool, then you need to rethink the whole decision for you to be a working mother. This does not seem practical. I know people think you can have it all, but you really can't. If your top priority is to keep your daughter totally immersed in the family, even for her education, then you need to quit working.

 

[ronandannette]

Well, no, nobody who provides childcare would a) be raising my kid or b) be a stranger. I intend to kown anyone caring for my child, and know them well. If that means researching them, interviews, references.

It rely is more of an issue regarding the role I and many working mom's serve in the household. Maybe more so where I'm from, but mom's are expected to be the caregivers, the ones who are more flexible, the cooks and housekeepers and run the kids to sports and school and events. I am expected to homeschool DD on top of everything else, when she gets to that age. So yes, my role as mom and my role as career woman are butting heads and I feel pushed to take less money because everyone relies on me to be flexible and available.

Yes, you are. And there's no way to "balance" all the aspects you've related. No way. Is your life "fair"? Doesn't seem so to very many of us that are reading here, but you are apparently very complicit in your own situation. You asked if others have had your same experience and some have; but to a person they've all told you that they either accepted the limitations of their priorities or changed them. I haven't read anybody else who stayed "stuck" in their circumstances, resenting them, and didn't at least make a plan for change. You just keep repeating why you can't - so I don't see what good being resentful does. Make changes or don't - and live with the results. Perhaps you already know all of this and are just needing to vent...

(P.S. This comes from somebody who was a joyful SAHM and housewife - yes, housewife; until my DS was 10. Our lives; mine in particular, took a drastic turn when I had to go back to work very abruptly due to financial concerns. I learned extremely quickly that many of my former "duties" would need to be shared, neglected or abandoned altogether to accommodate our new situation. I didn't spend much time grieving it - it wouldn't have changed anything.)

(P.P.S. I've never heard of a full-time working Mom who homeschooled. Just curious - how would this work?)

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Yes, DH will make more money after he graduates, either by getting a better paying job or he will work 2 jobs. I'm not supporting him forever.

I want to take this contract mostly for the money. I have a lot to pay for in the way of tuition and possible moving expenses, home repairs, a few old medical bills, and an extra 18 or so grand after taxes would really help out with that.

You clearly have some bitterness/resentment to work through. I think the previous suggestions of some counseling are in order. I'm not saying you're "wrong" to feel this way, but it's not healthy to let it fester.

Otherwise you're going to wind up divorced - and as the primary bread winner, you COULD very well end up supporting him forever.

 

[brooke789]

(P.P.S. I've never heard of a full-time working Mom who homeschooled. Just curious - how would this work?)

I don't know about OP's situation, but I work with a woman who IS a single working mom and homeschools. I have no idea how she does it. She works the night shift (11pm-7am) and homeschools during the day. She says she sleeps while her daughter is doing independent work. I just cannot imagine how she survives. I have no idea how OP does all of that either!

 

[Shmily1]

That's why I got a divorce from my first DH. I could make as much money/survive as well if not better without him than with him. He wouldn't contribute so we didn't need him there. He was more of a hindrance than a help.

 

[soccerdad72]

It rely is more of an issue regarding the role I and many working mom's serve in the household. Maybe more so where I'm from, but mom's are expected to be the caregivers, the ones who are more flexible, the cooks and housekeepers and run the kids to sports and school and events. I am expected to homeschool DD on top of everything else, when she gets to that age. So yes, my role as mom and my role as career woman are butting heads and I feel pushed to take less money because everyone relies on me to be flexible and available.

Where are you from? Utah? Or maybe the 1950's?

Seriously, parenting should no longer be a female-only gig.

 

[Mickeyluver37]

Well, no, nobody who provides childcare would a) be raising my kid or b) be a stranger. I intend to kown anyone caring for my child, and know them well. If that means researching them, interviews, references.

It rely is more of an issue regarding the role I and many working mom's serve in the household. Maybe more so where I'm from, but mom's are expected to be the caregivers, the ones who are more flexible, the cooks and housekeepers and run the kids to sports and school and events. I am expected to home school DD on top of everything else, when she gets to that age. So yes, my role as mom and my role as career woman are butting heads and I feel pushed to take less money because everyone relies on me to be flexible and available.

Who in this community coaches all of these sports if the women are home cooking and cleaning and the men are always working? We are at a stage of our lives right now where DH and I can BOTH say we've made career sacrifices to be around more for the kids. And right now I'd say DH is physically in the office less than me because he drops off kids at daycare/school, gets to work, and has to leave early to pick up the 8 y.o. and get them both to baseball practice, which he helps coach. Our personal experiences with bosses are that when I stayed home, he wasn't cut any slack because it was expected that his wife could do it all. Now that we both work, they get it when he has to leave to get a sick kid- we have to take turns doing this. Right now he's picking up more of the slack simply because his boss is more flexible than mine. We've both stayed home with kids and been full time college students at different times over the last 20 years. What works is making sure it's a true partnership and doing what works for the family unit as a whole and not worrying about typical societal gender roles.


If cooking, cleaning, and homeschooling are all that is expected of women in your husband's family, I honestly think that using your MIL as a long term solution for child care may not be the greatest for your DD anyway.