Working moms: Do you feel held back?

[Happyinwonerland]

I'm and RN and I currently work a PRN contract. Today an opportunity came up for me to earn an extra $24k per year. I would love to jump on this opportunity, but it would require me to commit to working three 12 hour shifts per week. Which in theory sounds do able, but I would have to schedule myself in advance, whereas in my current contract I decide whether to work day by day.

In talking to DH and his mom about it (she's our babysitter when I work), they are discouraging it for several reasons. DH works a mon-Fri job, with no flexibility. So if DD get sick or something, I have to be the one to take off. I am the one who does laundry, shops, cooks, takes DD to dance class and homeschool co op and all the fun activities we do. I am also the one responsible for earning the lion's share of our income and paying the bills.

DH is currently taking grad school classes and will be done in December. We have around $6k left in tuition due by Aug 22. The extra money would help with that. Additionally, we need to fix up the house a bit and potentially have a big move in our future after he graduates, so the boost in income will help

I feel like I'm in such a catch 22. I'm supposed to earn the money, pay the bills, be the wife and mom, and work around everyone's schedules. I feel like I work the hardest in the family and yet when I have an opportunity to move ahead career wise, I have to turn it down, because of other factors in my life.

Anyone else feel this way? How do you make your career goals work with your family goals?

 

[Christine]

I'm and RN and I currently work a PRN contract. Today an opportunity came up for me to earn an extra $24k per year. I would love to jump on this opportunity, but it would require me to commit to working three 12 hour shifts per week. Which in theory sounds do able, but I would have to schedule myself in advance, whereas in my current contract I decide whether to work day by day.

In talking to DH and his mom about it (she's our babysitter when I work), they are discouraging it for several reasons. DH works a mon-Fri job, with no flexibility. So if DD get sick or something, I have to be the one to take off. I am the one who does laundry, shops, cooks, takes DD to dance class and homeschool co op and all the fun activities we do. I am also the one responsible for earning the lion's share of our income and paying the bills.

DH is currently taking grad school classes and will be done in December. We have around $6k left in tuition due by Aug 22. The extra money would help with that. Additionally, we need to fix up the house a bit and potentially have a big move in our future after he graduates, so the boost in income will help

I feel like I'm in such a catch 22. I'm supposed to earn the money, pay the bills, be the wife and mom, and work around everyone's schedules. I feel like I work the hardest in the family and yet when I have an opportunity to move ahead career wise, I have to turn it down, because of other factors in my life.

Anyone else feel this way? How do you make your career goals work with your family goals?

This is a common problem with mothers and it's one of the reasons why women's lifetime earning potential never makes it into the "men's realm." We are often the ones who make the sacrifices. I did for a long time. I have always had a fulltime job with my kids but I turned down several more lucrative ones because it would mean more travel or inflexible work hours. Because my husband's job was/is TOTALLY inflexible, I had to turn those offers down. It's just something you have to do. It does bug me sometimes, though, overall when I look at things that many times the man's work is deemed more important even when the woman has a chance of higher earnings.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I am feeling so resentful over this. Because when we don't have as much money as we'd like, I'm the one who takes the heat for it. DH gets mad that I don't work more, since I always have the option. I literally make 4x what he does, this would increase it to almost 5 x his pay, and I have to walk away. It's killing me.

 

[TechieRose]

For an extra dollar amount that high, couldn't a babysitter be an option at the unlikely chance you'll need to come up with a solution? If the new role will make you happy then I think you should do it and not turn it down just because it would make their lives a little more complicated.

Totally my 2 cents though.

 

[hereyago]

I say go for it. Tell your dh he cant have it both ways: complains about you not making enough then says no good when you can.

 

[sk!mom]

I'm and RN and I currently work a PRN contract. Today an opportunity came up for me to earn an extra $24k per year. I would love to jump on this opportunity, but it would require me to commit to working three 12 hour shifts per week. Which in theory sounds do able, but I would have to schedule myself in advance, whereas in my current contract I decide whether to work day by day.

In talking to DH and his mom about it (she's our babysitter when I work), they are discouraging it for several reasons. DH works a mon-Fri job, with no flexibility. So if DD get sick or something, I have to be the one to take off. I am the one who does laundry, shops, cooks, takes DD to dance class and homeschool co op and all the fun activities we do. I am also the one responsible for earning the lion's share of our income and paying the bills.

DH is currently taking grad school classes and will be done in December. We have around $6k left in tuition due by Aug 22. The extra money would help with that. Additionally, we need to fix up the house a bit and potentially have a big move in our future after he graduates, so the boost in income will help

I feel like I'm in such a catch 22. I'm supposed to earn the money, pay the bills, be the wife and mom, and work around everyone's schedules. I feel like I work the hardest in the family and yet when I have an opportunity to move ahead career wise, I have to turn it down, because of other factors in my life.

Anyone else feel this way? How do you make your career goals work with your family goals?

I do understand. And Yes, in the past I have sacrificed career goals for my family. In your case though, I'm not sure that I would. If your mil is your sitter, couldn't she still care for your child on the off-chance that she was ill on one of your work days? I understand a job with little flexibility but doesn't your DH get sick days? Couldn't he stay with a sick child.

If you would schedule your days in advance, couldn't you schedule to be off for the activities and things that you feel are must-dos with your DD.

Now if YOU really don't want the job because YOU like the flexibility of your current situation then I get it. But if you really want the new job, then take it! You'll have some extra money to pay someone to help out with driving your DD. Or start a carpool. There are solutions! Take the job and start finding them if you want it.

I am feeling so resentful over this. Because when we don't have as much money as we'd like, I'm the one who takes the heat for it. DH gets mad that I don't work more, since I always have the option. I literally make 4x what he does, this would increase it to almost 5 x his pay, and I have to walk away. It's killing me.

Before your second comment, I was going to come down solidly on the side of- totally get it and some times it sucks. But to this second comment I have to say, why do you let your DH contribute so little? It sounds like it's past time to insist that he pull his weight. He gets mad when YOU don't make enough yet you out earn him????

Honestly it sounds like bigger problems than whether or not to take this job.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

For an extra dollar amount that high, couldn't a babysitter be an option at the unlikely chance you'll need to come up with a solution? If the new role will make you happy then I think you should do it and not turn it down just because it would make their lives a little more complicated.

Totally my 2 cents though.

We've never used a babysitter. I have always had 2 trusted back-ups but I've never actually phoned that favor in. They are both mom's who run in-home daycares and would be paid. Idk, it scares me to take that step, but is certainly on option. We've only ever had family watch her, so it would be a change. DD know both the potential back ups well and likes them, and she's old enough now to talk and let us know if she's unhappy there, so it could work.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I do understand. And Yes, in the past I have sacrificed career goals for my family. In your case though, I'm not sure that I would. If your mil is your sitter, couldn't she still care for your child on the off-chance that she was ill on one of your work days? I understand a job with little flexibility but doesn't your DH get sick days? Couldn't he stay with a sick child.

If you would schedule your days in advance, couldn't you schedule to be off for the activities and things that you feel are must-dos with your DD.

Now if YOU really don't want the job because YOU like the flexibility of your current situation then I get it. But if you really want the new job, then take it! You'll have some extra money to pay someone to help out with driving your DD. Or start a carpool. There are solutions! Take the job and start finding them if you want it.



Before your second comment, I was going to come down solidly on the side of- totally get it and some times it sucks. But to this second comment I have to say, why do you let your DH contribute so little? It sounds like it's past time to insist that he pull his weight. He gets mad when YOU don't make enough yet you out earn him????

Honestly it sounds like bigger problems than whether or not to take this job.

Yes, I really do enjoy the flexibility of my current situation, but I am more than willing to sacrifice that for a little extra money. It's a 6 month contract, and after that I would be able to drop down to a lower level of commitment if we decide it isn't working, but I would lose the extra money.

DH just started a new job and won't get sick time for 90 days, so he can't take off with her just yet. He usually won't anyway, that's always been my realm. As to his income, it has been a point of contention for awhile in our marriage. He's working on his masters and trying to build a career, so i'm holding out hope that when he graduates he will find a better paying job. He won't catch up to me, but it will take some of the pressure off. Right now he's basically working for experience in his field. His hourly wage is pretty small.

 

[wvjules]

Heck, if it is only 6 months to start then the decision is even easier than it would have been before I read that update. Heck yes!

 

[sk!mom]

Yes, I really do enjoy the flexibility of my current situation, but I am more than willing to sacrifice that for a little extra money. It's a 6 month contract, and after that I would be able to drop down to a lower level of commitment if we decide it isn't working, but I would lose the extra money.

DH just started a new job and won't get sick time for 90 days, so he can't take off with her just yet. He usually won't anyway, that's always been my realm. As to his income, it has been a point of contention for awhile in our marriage. He's working on his masters and trying to build a career, so i'm holding out hope that when he graduates he will find a better paying job. He won't catch up to me, but it will take some of the pressure off. Right now he's basically working for experience in his field. His hourly wage is pretty small.

I wasn't really referring to his income as much as to his attitude. Your comments that you "take care of everything" and he has the audacity to get mad over a lack of money when you earn so much more.

Take the job!

 

[jrmasm]

For 6 months? It's time to get a backup babysitter.

 

[North of Mouse]

We've never used a babysitter. I have always had 2 trusted back-ups but I've never actually phoned that favor in. They are both mom's who run in-home daycares and would be paid.

They are both day cares and 'would be paid'?? Do you not pay your mil to care for your child?? If not, IMO, you have no leg to stand on!! I was wondering why your mil would have any input to the situation, but if she's free labor, I can see why she has a voice. If you do, in fact, pay her to babysit - either she can take the new hours, or you can get a new babysitter.

If you would be happier with the new job, then maybe you and dh should talk it out and find a solution - seems like there may be more to the job issues - like maybe resentment in the marriage responsibilities!! Something sounds like it has to 'give' - or else!!!

 

[Happyinwonerland]

They are both day cares and 'would be paid'?? Do you not pay your mil to care for your child?? If not, IMO, you have no leg to stand on!! I was wondering why your mil would have any input to the situation, but if she's free labor, I can see why she has a voice. If you do, in fact, pay her to babysit - either she can take the new hours, or you can get a new babysitter.

If you would be happier with the new job, then maybe you and dh should talk it out and find a solution - seems like there may be more to the job issues - like maybe resentment in the marriage responsibilities!! Something sounds like it has to 'give' - or else!!!

I have tried to pay MIL from day one, but she refuses. I have tried giving her gas cards and grocery cards, etc, but she says no. I'm not trying to take advantage of her at all. I feel awful that she does it for free, but she insists.

 

[Colleen27]

I do feel that way, mostly because DH & the kids keep us very tied to a physical location where my opportunities are limited at best. So I'm left juggling long commutes for the foreseeable future if I want to work in my field at all, and limiting my options for advancement because I can't relocate to take the opportunities that present themselves. But in our situation, DH is the breadwinner right now and my income will be just equal to or perhaps slightly more than his after I graduate so it will remain a balancing act for us rather than a situation of prioritizing one job over the other.

You mention a homeschool co-op... Are there any other families you could reach out to who might be willing to help out (for pay, of course)? That's been a lifesaver for me since I went back to school, especially right now with two overlapping internships on top of a full time courseload. We worked out an arrangement with the mother of one of DD's classmates, who is a SAHM and was happy to make a little extra money for doing mostly things she'd be doing anyway. The girls are in the same class and the same 4H club, so we're all in the same places most of the time, and they're such good friends that to them it is a treat. DH helps when he can and MIL handles full-day babysitting and some of our required school service hours, but having someone who is in the same place in life, involved in some of the same activities, is a better fit on a lot of days. And it is cheaper than hiring a nanny/sitter that I'd trust to drive DD around.

 

[Christine]

So OP it sounds to me that using non-family daycare is what is holding you back. If you use your back up care then there really is no issue correct?

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

I would say that DH and MIL can certainly offer their opinions, but in the end, because the bulk of the household is supported by your job, you get the final say. If that means that DH needs to spend some time organizing backup babysitters and getting DD to and fro, then so be it.

He should be recognizing that you contribute much more than you're getting back, and be happy to support you in this exciting new opportunity. If he's not, then there are other issues that you need to address with him.

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, please understand I am only saying this because you volunteered the info in your posts. First I'd take the job, its short term so you can see how it all works out.
Second, schedule an appointment with a therapist, you need to someone to talk to about how you are feeling and help you see things a little more clearly.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

So OP it sounds to me that using non-family daycare is what is holding you back. If you use your back up care then there really is no issue correct?

Correct, assuming I can get DH on board with it. I have to leave for work at 6 am, so he'd need to get DD to the babysitter. Currently, MIL comes to our house to watch DD most days. He stays pretty busy between his job and classes, so he might not like using some of his study time to drive DD to a babysitter.

 

[Christine]

Correct, assuming I can get DH on board with it. I have to leave for work at 6 am, so he'd need to get DD to the babysitter. Currently, MIL comes to our house to watch DD most days. He stays pretty busy between his job and classes, so he might not like using some of his study time to drive DD to a babysitter.

Your husband is holding you back. I see you know this. This is not a small amount of money to sneeze at. I mean how difficult would it be to do a daycare drop in the morning?

 

[wvjules]

Have a babysitter that comes to your house.