Working moms: Do you feel held back?

[Happyinwonerland]

OP, please understand I am only saying this because you volunteered the info in your posts. First I'd take the job, its short term so you can see how it all works out.
Second, schedule an appointment with a therapist, you need to someone to talk to about how you are feeling and help you see things a little more clearly.

I really do appreciate your concern (truly, not being snarky at all), but I don't see what's so abnormal about feeling torn and slightly resentful about being pushed to turn this down. I'm not depressed about it or anything, this is just really the first time I've seen what it really means to be a working mom and be mommy-tracked. I'll get over it, it just feels so unfair at the moment. But I chose to become a mother and this may be one of those times when being a mom trumps following my goals.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Have a babysitter that comes to your house.

That may be an option. I'm not even sure where to begin that search. All of my friends either stay home or use daycares, so they wouldn't be able to recommend anyone.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

Your husband is holding you back. I see you know this. This is not a small amount of money to sneeze at. I mean how difficult would it be to do a daycare drop in the morning?

Getting him to understand that is easier said than done. He's a bit spoiled.

 

[wvjules]

I really do appreciate your concern (truly, not being snarky at all), but I don't see what's so abnormal about feeling torn and slightly resentful about being pushed to turn this down. I'm not depressed about it or anything, this is just really the first time I've seen what it really means to be a working mom and be mommy-tracked. I'll get over it, it just feels so unfair at the moment. But I chose to become a mother and this may be one of those times when being a mom trumps following my goals.

Did you become a mother alone?

 

[Christine]

I really do appreciate your concern (truly, not being sparky at all), but I don't see what's so abnormal about feeling torn and slightly resentful about being pushed to turn this down. I'm not depressed about it or anything, this is just really the first time I've seen what it really means to be a working mom and be mommy-tracked. I'll get over it, it just feels so unfair at the moment. But I chose to become a mother and this may be one of those times when being a mom trumps following my goals.

In reading your successive posts, though, I no longer think you're overly "mommy tracked." I did at first, but now I see that you are making the choice not to take this job for two reasons: 1. your husband doesn't want to be inconvenienced and 2. you are reluctant to use childcare either because of your husband's feelings or you are just in general against it. That's not being held back because you are a working mother. That is being held back due to your preferences. Plenty of women do get held back careerwise because they really don't have those options. For instance, my husband always had to leave the house at 4:30 AM because his start time was non-negotiable. He would have gladly done morning day care if he could have but he couldn't. I had to turn down a job because I needed to start work later because I was the drop off person. I also could not travel because, if I went out of town, there was NO ONE to do my drop offs. So I passed. You do have someone to provide daycare to your child and your husband can do the dropping off. Is it ideal? I'm sure it's not.

 

[Hikergirl]

I really do appreciate your concern (truly, not being sparky at all), but I don't see what's so abnormal about feeling torn and slightly resentful about being pushed to turn this down. I'm not depressed about it or anything, this is just really the first time I've seen what it really means to be a working mom and be mommy-tracked. I'll get over it, it just feels so unfair at the moment. But I chose to become a mother and this may be one of those times when being a mom trumps following my goals.

Nothing is wrong with it, and its completely understandable in your case. And this isn't about being a mom trumping your goals, its about your dh's attitude toward you. You said you are resentful, and that isn't good for any marriage because the thing with resentment is it doesn't just go away, it can grow. Based on what you say about your dh he doesn't seem to listen, he wants you to work more, and take care of everything but when the opportunity is there he says you can't because you have all this responsibility? I don't know you, or your dh but that kind of attitude doesn't usually just go away and if it doesn't then your resentment won't either.

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, do you have any SAHM friends that may be willing to babysit for you?

 

[Happyinwonerland]

OP, do you have any SAHM friends that may be willing to babysit for you?

No, they are busy enough with their own kids, and I'm not sure I completely trust them to watch her and give her enough attention all day. It could work with DH's mom watching her most days, and our backup for days when something comes up.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We've never used a babysitter. I have always had 2 trusted back-ups but I've never actually phoned that favor in. They are both mom's who run in-home daycares and would be paid. Idk, it scares me to take that step, but is certainly on option. We've only ever had family watch her, so it would be a change. DD know both the potential back ups well and likes them, and she's old enough now to talk and let us know if she's unhappy there, so it could work.

Go for it. As a mom who stayed home, I would tell you to do what is best for your career.

Tell your dh that this is important for your family since you are the main bread winner.

He may not like it but it is what it is.

Personally, I would be beyond furious if he complained about you needing to work more and then holds you back.

You have reached the proverbial line in the sand with your dh. Eating resentment on your end is not good for a marriage.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I am feeling so resentful over this. Because when we don't have as much money as we'd like, I'm the one who takes the heat for it. DH gets mad that I don't work more, since I always have the option. I literally make 4x what he does, this would increase it to almost 5 x his pay, and I have to walk away. It's killing me.

No you don't have to walk away, you have to have a plan in place and hope for some flexibility from DH if something pops up. He gets sick days too I am sure, he will just have to use them if your DD is sick and all other help is not available for some reason.

As a working mom myself that has been in your shoes you have to have several layers of backup. First if your MIL is against it then use some of the extra money you will have to hire yourself a babysitter/mother's helper that also can drive your daughter to ativities. Could be another mom in the group, a high school kid, a neighbor that does child care of needs a few extra $$. In a pinch then your MIL can be the backup. As a last resort if your DD is sick and the first two cannot take care of her then DH will have to use a sick day.

A 24K raise that you really could use? Not much should be holding you back, especially since you can plan those days in advance which will help you coordinate your schedule with your "helpers".

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I work 3 days a week as an RN.
DH would like me to work full time. I refuse because i cart the kids around. Manage their activities and school stuff plus take care of the house.

DH does thr bills and will make dinner if im late at work.
I wanted to go back to school but i couldnt imagine going to class, studying and working, plus all the kid and home stuff.

DH works two jobs though and makes way more than me.
I couldnt imagine being in your position . I would be resentful too.

 

[Colleen27]

DH just started a new job and won't get sick time for 90 days, so he can't take off with her just yet. He usually won't anyway, that's always been my realm. As to his income, it has been a point of contention for awhile in our marriage. He's working on his masters and trying to build a career, so i'm holding out hope that when he graduates he will find a better paying job. He won't catch up to me, but it will take some of the pressure off. Right now he's basically working for experience in his field. His hourly wage is pretty small.

For the kind of extra money you're talking about, I wouldn't be accommodating of "that's always been your realm" as an excuse from my DH. Especially not if he'd said or even hinted that I should be working more. And I'm saying that as wife to a man who is relatively spoiled by me being a SAHM for many years. I've done it, and I know it isn't easy. There will be an adjustment period, as there always is when the status quo in a relationship has to change, but it is better to tackle that head on than to let the resentment build up and have it blow up later when money gets tight again but the opportunity to improve matters has long past.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

This honestly sounds more like a husband and wife issue than a working mom issue.

As others have mentioned it may not be easy, but it sounds like it's time to re-evaluate the domestic division of labor.

 

[jrmasm]

This honestly sounds more like a husband and wife issue than a working mom issue.

As others have mentioned it may not be easy, but it sounds like it's time to re-evaluate the domestic division of labor.

Yup

 

[superme80]

Even after all the details, I would say take the job and have a back up baby-sitter. Yes the morning drop off may cut into your husband's study time, but an opportunity has come up for your family. I am a stay at home mom, but I fully support a woman's right to work and desire to work outside the home. Yes it is hard when your husband is used to you doing everything, but it is his child too. He needs to help support you.

 

[sonnyjane]

Never mind. I had a long post typed out but it seems like OP isn't receptive to a lot of the great advice so far given.

Bottom line, this isn't "women in the workplace" issue, this is a marriage issue, and this complaint belittles the struggles of women who really DO have to turn down great opportunities for legitimate reasons. There's really nothing holding OP back other than a lazy and controlling husband.

 

[marlynnp]

Take the job!

And it's past time that your DH steps up and starts pitching in. From what you posted it sounds like all he does is grad school -- your husband is holding you back. Marriage and parenting are supposed to be PARTNERSHIPS.

 

[disykat]

I agree with the others that this isn't a working parent issue, but a spousal communication issue. You need to discuss the possibility of making this work. At least sort through ALL the options so you can make a reasonable decision. It sounds like you feel like your side hasn't been heard.

DH and I BOTH made sacrifices in our careers when we had kids. We have BOTH turned down opportunities for more money and/or career advancement for the sake of what we thought was better for the family.

 

[powellrj]

I can tell you my story. I am much older than you are, so I was still dealing with a little hold over that women take care of the house and kids.

I worked full-time when my 3 were growing up. Not only did I work full-time I also traveled. I also did all the laundry, all the shopping, all the meals, all the driving of the kids, all the cleaning, all the holidays (entertaining and shopping), all the appointments. You get the idea, I did it all. DH worked. Granted he worked long hours, but that was his choice ( was in sales so he really didn't make anymore, he just felt it made him look better).

I had an accident a few years ago, so I can no longer work. Our youngest is in college, so the house stays clean and there are only 2 of us to do laundry for and cook for. I do as much as I can, but its nothing like I use to be able to do.

Every 3 weeks I have my ladies group over for the evening. We need the dinning room table, so that has to be cleaned off and the bathroom deep cleaned, plus run the sweeper. At most it should take 30 minutes. He whines and complains how hard it is to work all week and then be expected to do these things. Boo Hoo, I have done it plus 1,000 other things for over 30 years, suck it up buttercup.

The point I was making is if I had it to do over again, there is no way I would do it all now. I would have had him step up and contribute more to the running of the house.

Learn from me, the more you do, the more that its expected. Do what is best for you.

 

[okeydokey]

I would totally take the job for 6 months. You can always do something different then. And I would have a serious discussion with DH about how you both, together, would make it work. It sounds like an opportunity you do not want to pass on, and one that will benefit your family a great deal.