Working moms: Do you feel held back?

[AppleDumpling]

Op, I am sorry this decision is causing you stress. I think for a lot of women it is just in our nature to try to be the perfect wife and mother and do it all, and it can be overwhelming at times.

I may be completely wrong, but when you say "where I'm from", I'm guessing you might be an immigrant or first generation American, in which case there may be cultural issues.

On the surface, the answer seems obvious- take the job, the additional income will help. I won't judge your marriage or trash your DH, but you and he need to figure this out as a couple. You need to talk about future plans and expectations for how the next few years will play out. Life brings changes and both of you need to adjust to those changes and support each other. I suggest you make a list of the pros and cons, considering options for child care, schooling, division of household chores, etc. and go from there.

 

[Kimberly9701]

I'm and RN and I currently work a PRN contract. Today an opportunity came up for me to earn an extra $24k per year. I would love to jump on this opportunity, but it would require me to commit to working three 12 hour shifts per week. Which in theory sounds do able, but I would have to schedule myself in advance, whereas in my current contract I decide whether to work day by day.

In talking to DH and his mom about it (she's our babysitter when I work), they are discouraging it for several reasons. DH works a mon-Fri job, with no flexibility. So if DD get sick or something, I have to be the one to take off. I am the one who does laundry, shops, cooks, takes DD to dance class and homeschool co op and all the fun activities we do. I am also the one responsible for earning the lion's share of our income and paying the bills.

DH is currently taking grad school classes and will be done in December. We have around $6k left in tuition due by Aug 22. The extra money would help with that. Additionally, we need to fix up the house a bit and potentially have a big move in our future after he graduates, so the boost in income will help

I feel like I'm in such a catch 22. I'm supposed to earn the money, pay the bills, be the wife and mom, and work around everyone's schedules. I feel like I work the hardest in the family and yet when I have an opportunity to move ahead career wise, I have to turn it down, because of other factors in my life.

Anyone else feel this way? How do you make your career goals work with your family goals?

I am feeling so resentful over this. Because when we don't have as much money as we'd like, I'm the one who takes the heat for it. DH gets mad that I don't work more, since I always have the option. I literally make 4x what he does, this would increase it to almost 5 x his pay, and I have to walk away. It's killing me.

Disclaimer- I am the sole parent/provider for my son, so I don't have a husband to consider, but here are my thoughts/questions-

Will this benefit your family?
Do you enjoy your work?
Do you believe that the positives will outweigh the negatives?

It's ridiculous as women that we are supposed to cook/clean/look pretty/pack perfect bento box lunches/work full time/sacrifice our ambition for a man.
I'm in the finance industry..I work A LOT..and several of my peers criticize to my face and behind my back about why I do this instead of choosing to be home more with my child. Here's why- my son is in a fantastic private school, my son has the opportunity to travel, my son is able to experience many things that I otherwise wouldn't be able to afford if I switched my career. Do I wish that I worked less? YES. 100% yes. But if I want to keep our lifestyle the way it is then I need to do what I'm doing. So in my off time- I make every available moment together count.

Women CAN be great mothers and still have a demanding career. It's just learning to juggle..and master it.

Not to sound too much of a feminista..but seriously, think with your head and your heart. If you truly believe that this will be a positive thing for your family, sit down and talk to your husband and calmly explain to him the benefits of it. If it means a few crock pot meals or sunday night meal prep/freeze, then that's a small price to pay for something that will make your lives better.

p.s. I'm in a Pinterest support group, specifically bento box.....one day I just decided No More, my son can survive without animal shaped sandwiches and star shaped fruit lol. The pressure on motherhood today, from others, from websites and magazines, and from ourselves especially, can be crushing. Not all of it is mandatory, that's what I've realized.
We love our kids, and no- money can't buy happiness- but it can make things a lot easier while providing more opportunities for our children.

 

[Kimberly9701]

I do want to add this-

You're talking about over $20k per year.. Not a couple thousand. That is life changing.

 

[Kimberly9701]

I really do appreciate your concern (truly, not being snarky at all), but I don't see what's so abnormal about feeling torn and slightly resentful about being pushed to turn this down. I'm not depressed about it or anything, this is just really the first time I've seen what it really means to be a working mom and be mommy-tracked. I'll get over it, it just feels so unfair at the moment. But I chose to become a mother and this may be one of those times when being a mom trumps following my goals.

And your husband chose to become a father and a husband.
Your goals as a family need to be considered. Not a predetermined idea by your husband and mil of what being a mother means. It's 2016. Not 1950.


Sorry..just going back and reading these posts, had to comment on that one.

 

[jahber]

I know it doesn't solve your problems, but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I've had two friends in the past week alone express very similar frustrations. Their kids are late elementary, which means the women are of an age/point in their career when they have to either make a bigger commitment to their job or risk stagnating. And in the meantime, the kids are of an age when sports/activities/school commitments are getting more intense. It's frustrating. One friend is a lawyer, so she can afford to hire a nanny to help (because she wouldn't be able to do it without help after school and after school care for 3 is hugely expensive at the school and then there are activities...), but finding a reliable person has been a nightmare.

Personally, I would take the contract, because it sounds like you have a support system in place. But whatever you decide needs to feel right for you. Good luck!

 

[okeydokey]

I can't past the fact that your husband gets mad at you for not making more money and then refuses to help raise his child so you can go make more money.

 

[smokeyblue]

I'm sorry. I don't buy what you are selling. This all seems very narcissistic and that your dragging your co-dependent husband along for the ride.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

I can't past the fact that your husband gets mad at you for not making more money and then refuses to help raise his child so you can go make more money.

I feel the same way. It is infuriating.

Now add the fact that he can't take his child to daycare because he is studying? Time to grow up! Here's an idea: Wake up a bit earlier, do your studying, and then be a decent dad and pitch in. Do you really love your child if you refuse to respect her mother?

Sorry, OP. I am going to be blunt. I feel you are married to a massive loser. He gets mad that you don't bring more money into the household, yet won't help you out. You deserve better. Do you at least realize this?

 

[Chocolate Cake]

DH is getting a master's degree in library information sciences. So, he'll be looking for a librarian job.
He as a bachelor's in english,.

Oh my goodness. Please take the raise. These majors are not very lucrative.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

to the red

The big weekend cook is a good idea & I do chip in with that sometimes. Sunday, I grilled burgers, smoked chicken, & sauced up some pork steaks. We've had 3 meals on them so far (plus 2 on DW's crockpot roast).

 

[sonnyjane]

I'm sorry. I don't buy what you are selling. This all seems very narcissistic and that your dragging your co-dependent husband along for the ride.

If I hadn't seen that OP has been around for 2 years, I'd say this was a textbook troll post.

 

[VandVsmama]

DH is getting a master's degree in library information sciences. So, he'll be looking for a librarian job.
He as a bachelor's in english, an associate in medical office management and an associate in medical transcription. When he graduates he will likely get a job in the low 50's range, but it will also likely require a move, as the jobs are not as plentiful as we need. In most mid to large sized cities I could find a job making my current pay (or close to it), or work an agency job that would pay similar. So it makes more sense for me to be flexible
Honestly, I never wanted to settle down here anyway, I'm looking forward to a move. Hopefully somewhere warmer.

I wanted to clear up a few things about our decision to homeschool. It is not meant to hide her away from the world or keep her from other people. In fact, even at this young age, I make a huge effort to let her be a kid. We attend co-op each week, which let's her learn what it's like to sit in a class room, among other kids, and listen to a teacher without a parent in the room. She takes dance classes. When she was younger we did gymboree classes. We go to story hour and we just finished a 5 week gardening /nature themed class through the University here in town. We have play dates and there is a birthday party every week it seems. I leave her in the gym daycare while I workout. She is completely comfortable in the care of others, and is a very friendly and social child. She has no problems in those areas, and I will continue to see that she is given ample opportunity to be a kid and fit in with kids.

We want to homeschool because frankly our local education choices are abysmal. I would rather do it ourselves. Kindergarten and first grade I should be able to work full time and provide her education. As she gets older, I'll have to drop down some, maybe just work very part time. I guess that's why I'm leaning towards making more money now, because sometime in the next few years I will not have as much ability to do so.

To the posters who say they are happier as single parents, I'm glad that works for you. DH isn't doing nothing at all, he works a full time job and spends a lot of time doing schoolwork. It isn't easy on any of us. He's almost done and then I think life will be easier for the family. Giving up on our marriage during such a stressful time seems a bit reactive, we are all muddling through right now and if things don't improve after graduation then we can maybe look into deeper issues. DD loves her dad and I think it's only fair to her that right now I stay put and try to make life as good as possible. Besides, I can't imagine sharing custody. I would be devastated to give her up every other weekend, and I know he would be heartbroken to lose out on seeing her everyday.

This additional background info is very helpful! Thank you for sharing it with us!

NOW I understand a lot better what you were talking about earlier implying about a possible move. Paying for a move can be expensive. And it sounds like a move is not just a 'maybe' but it's really a 'definite.'

Re: homeschooling -
Everyone I know who homeschools is only able to make it work if 1 parent is a full time stay at home parent. If your plan is to homeschool in the new city that you guys move to, if the cost of living is significantly higher, that might make homeschooling very difficult (for example, if you're moving from rural Kansas to Southern California, you won't be able to live on $50,000/year for a family of 3).

When you & DH are looking at jobs in other areas for his post-graduation job, one thing to consider, of course, should be cost of living. Usually the Money Magazine website has a really handy cost of living calculator where you can plug in your current salary in your current city & put in the new city and it will tell you what you'd have to earn in the new location in order to have a similar lifestyle.

I agree with you that this is not something to separate or divorce over at this time. It sounds like you're just going through a pretty normal thing in which your family has to make some pretty big life changing decisions in the near future. FWIW, in the psychology world, the stress of moving is right up there with the stress of dealing with the death of a close loved one.

 

[disykat]

Kindergarten and first grade I should be able to work full time and provide her education. As she gets older, I'll have to drop down some, maybe just work very part time.

Isn't working with the younger kids MORE labor intensive than with older kids who can work more independently? I've heard of people homeschooling older kids while working full time, but never younger kids.

 

[dclpluto]

I am feeling so resentful over this. Because when we don't have as much money as we'd like, I'm the one who takes the heat for it. DH gets mad that I don't work more, since I always have the option. I literally make 4x what he does, this would increase it to almost 5 x his pay, and I have to walk away. It's killing me.

Since your husband doesn't make much. Maybe the best thing will be is to have him quit his job and he does everything at home.

 

[Happyinwonerland]

I have to give my manager my decision today. DH and I really talked it over last night and I am going to take the contract. The extra money is too much to turn down. It will be a rough 6 months but we could really do a lot with the extra cash, so we will all have to adjust for a bit.

Thanks everyone for the advice and the encouragement to do what I feel is best. It really helped me in making my decision.

 

[connorlevismom]

I am sorry but your husband is being very selfish. I have not read the whole thread, only the first post and it makes me furious. Your husband expects you to do everything while HE does what HE wants. Surely he has sick and vacation days at his job? Take one to help with a sick kid! Even with how things are right at this very moment, HE should be doing some stuff around the house to help you out!

He is discouraging your because it is an inconvenience to him, nothing more. He is being very clear that his wants and needs trump yours and that is just not cool.

If you want to take this job, take it. It sounds like and amazing opportunity and some great money and it seems like something you really want to do! How long have you been doing it HIS way? I think it might be time to put your foot down and do it YOUR way.

 

[Kimberly9701]

Isn't working with the younger kids MORE labor intensive than with older kids who can work more independently? I've heard of people homeschooling older kids while working full time, but never younger kids.

Exactly. I have friends that homeschool their kids. They are providing them an excellent education and so many experiences. This would not be possible having a job outside the home. We have museum passes and our local museum has so many neat homeschooling activities during regular school hours.
To homeschool a child does not literally mean have them at home all day.

On the preschool front- I LOVED my son's preschool, yes it was difficult at first (I did stay home for the first year), but I chose a school with a 3-1 ratio, and he had so many wonderful experiences there. There is a big difference between early learning centers and traditional day care.
I think it sounds more like a helicopter parent situation than really taking into account what is best for the child.

Please consider that op. So many wonderful programs/early learning are available to children today.

 

[Poohforyou]

I am feeling so resentful over this. Because when we don't have as much money as we'd like, I'm the one who takes the heat for it. DH gets mad that I don't work more, since I always have the option. I literally make 4x what he does, this would increase it to almost 5 x his pay, and I have to walk away. It's killing me.

So why doesn't your dh be a SAHD and find something very part time? I know several families that have done this because the earning potential of the wife far exceeded the husband's.

I can tell you I wouldn't put up with my dh making me feel badly about our finances but then not wanting to help make them better.

 

[okeydokey]

I have to give my manager my decision today. DH and I really talked it over last night and I am going to take the contract. The extra money is too much to turn down. It will be a rough 6 months but we could really do a lot with the extra cash, so we will all have to adjust for a bit.

Thanks everyone for the advice and the encouragement to do what I feel is best. It really helped me in making my decision.

I am happy to hear this news. I hope it all works out for you. Remember that in a marriage things need to be adjusted often as life's circumstances change. A partnership evolves over time. Good luck, I wish you all well.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I also agree that your DH should be the SAHD but if he doesn't even like to "help" out I can't imagine him wanting to be home all day taking care of a child.