Weddings: In Lieu of Favors; a donation. What do you think?

[focusondisney]

My DH's mom died when he was a child. My Grandfather, who lived with my family as I was growing up & whom I adored, died 4 months before our wedding. So I understand all about missing beloved family members at your wedding. We chose private ways to honor them at our wedding. We actually did not want people crying over them at the wedding. We wanted it to be a happy celebration. So I don't get the comments about all the tears as family read the notes. Why do something to make your guests sad & cry?

As for the charity, I think if it is that important to the couple, they should let guests know ahead. In lieu of wedding gifts, please make a donation to.... important to us because ....

That shows real commitment to the charity & a real unselfish act on the couple's part. Somehow I don't think many bridal couples will do this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes it would, why would I care where you made a donation. The OP id not doing it in her guests names, she's just making a donation. I can't imagine being the kind of person who would care about such a thing, and no I am not a Democrat

Logically there are going to be people that are going to be offended by a "controversial" donation (which could be anything these days).

It is your duty to make sure you are a good host and to not intentionally offend your guests.

If you take your approach, then you are not a good hostess since you are not taking your guests comfort with the donation situation into account. People have told you that it may be offensive, tacky, rude, etc. and yet you ignore that and do what you want to serve you and not your guests.

Now whether OP does this or not, I do not care, however you should be aware that the "ME" mentality of "MY DAY" has overclouded tasteful judgement.

This is a wedding and not a funeral. OP has not asked for them to donate, she is giving the donation. It is pointless to announce this. Keep it private.

 

[luvmy3]

When you pat yourself on the back and have to advertise what a good person you are it is showing off.

I think it is fine you don't give favors and use that money for a charity but don't do it and say "yay me!!!" Look what I did. It is boasting.

I find it sad that people assume thats what the OP is doing. I guess when you look at the world that way you will only see the negative in what everyone else is doing. Thankfully not everyone see it that way and the OP knows her family enough to know they wouldn't.

 

[Hannathy]

I find it sad that people assume thats what the OP is doing. I guess when you look at the world that way you will only see the negative in what everyone else is doing. Thankfully not everyone see it that way and the OP knows her family enough to know they wouldn't.

And she is so sure of this? she thought everyone on here would think it was a good idea.

She has no idea if everyone in her family would think it was a good idea. And from the sounds of it it isn't just a small private family affair so I'm sure there will be friends and acquaintances that she has no idea how they will take it and based on the response on here at least half won't like it or at least feel it braggy and/or tacky.

 

[ksjayhawks]

If you would rather make a donation to one or two charities instead of having favors for your wedding guests, than do so. However, you don't need to announce this in any way, shape or form. Just make the donation and move on with the wedding planning.

Around here it is 50-50 on favors, sometimes they are there, other times they are not. I actually don't care one way or the other. I do enjoy when the hc has put out candies to nibble on before the meal starts, but it doesn't make or break a wedding for me.

 

[Carly_Roach]

As for the charity, I think if it is that important to the couple, they should let guests know ahead. In lieu of wedding gifts, please make a donation to.... important to us because ....

That shows real commitment to the charity & a real unselfish act on the couple's part.

Somehow I don't think many bridal couples will do this.

Bolding added by me. You said exactly how I feel about it.

DH and I would gladly have given up any wedding presents in exchange for donations to our charities. In our case, however, we asked that no wedding presents be bestowed because we already had two of everything and were trying to give things away. That tactic backfired on us, though. People started paying for things for our honeymoon without us knowing about it. We had no idea how hard it was to STOP people from giving (at least, our friends and family anyway).

I find it sad that people assume thats what the OP is doing. I guess when you look at the world that way you will only see the negative in what everyone else is doing. Thankfully not everyone see it that way and the OP knows her family enough to know they wouldn't.

Then why is she here asking opinions?

General rule of thumb: if you have to ask total strangers about a course of action you're thinking of taking, and whether that course of action is right or not, then the answer is probably no and you're just searching for validation from strangers for taking the course of action you want to take.

 

[luvmy3]

Logically there are going to be people that are going to be offended by a "controversial" donation (which could be anything these days).

It is your duty to make sure you are a good host and to not intentionally offend your guests.

If you take your approach, then you are not a good hostess since you are not taking your guests comfort with the donation situation into account. People have told you that it may be offensive, tacky, rude, etc. and yet you ignore that and do what you want to serve you and not your guests.

Now whether OP does this or not, I do not care, however you should be aware that the "ME" mentality of "MY DAY" has overclouded tasteful judgement.

This is a wedding and not a funeral. OP has not asked for them to donate, she is giving the donation. It is pointless to announce this. Keep it private.

Considering the judgemental types here on the DIS its not really all that possible to not offend someone some of the time, so if you are going to find someting to be offended by, whether its the charity of choice that a donation was made (again, not even in your name so why would you care ) or the bridesmaids wearing the wrong color for the season, decline the invite and stay home.
If you are the kind of guest who doesn't see the invite, the nice dinner, the dessert or the night of entertainment you get as the bride and groom as being a good host and hostess for letting you share their day with them, I imagine you arent the type they invited by choice

ETA I'm not saying that the bride and groom shouldn't take their guests into account with what they do, however they shouldn't put whats important to their wedding day aside for their guests. If donating to a charity is important to the bride because it has touched her family (like the OP) then I don't see a problem with possibly offending someone by it. YOu can't please everyone and for goodness sakes I think people have the right to not worry about pleasing everyone on their wedding day.

 

[luvmy3]

Bolding added by me. You said exactly how I feel about it.

DH and I would gladly have given up any wedding presents in exchange for donations to our charities. In our case, however, we asked that no wedding presents be bestowed because we already had two of everything and were trying to give things away. That tactic backfired on us, though. People started paying for things for our honeymoon without us knowing about it. We had no idea how hard it was to STOP people from giving (at least, our friends and family anyway).

Then why is she here asking opinions?

General rule of thumb: if you have to ask total strangers about a course of action you're thinking of taking, and whether that course of action is right or not, then the answer is probably no and you're just searching for validation from strangers for taking the course of action you want to take.

Well since I'm not a psychic I have no idea I just read her post that says her family won't be offended. Maybe she was wondering if anyone else has done something similiar to see if she should exclude some of her guests for fear her choices would be judged and scrutinized.

 

[Erin1700]

I am against it for 2 reasons:

1. I hate when people do this and it is a charity I do not respect.

2. I know of at least 2 couples who did this and then NEVER actually made the donation to the charity. So since then I tend to be on the negative side of it and when I see it I get annoyed.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Considering the judgemental types here on the DIS its not really all that possible to not offend someone some of the time, so if you are going to find someting to be offended by, whether its the charity of choice that a donation was made (again, not even in your name so why would you care ) or the bridesmaids wearing the wrong color for the season, decline the invite and stay home.
If you are the kind of guest who doesn't see the invite, the nice dinner, the dessert or the night of entertainment you get as the bride and groom as being a good host and hostess for letting you share their day with them, I imagine you arent the type they invited by choice

Oh brother. If someone sees inviting someone else to a wedding, and bringing the accompanying gift, as doing someone a favor because the inviter has deigned to "let them share the day", I'd imagine that there wouldn't be too many accepted invites to that occasion regardless of what kind of a person the invitee is.

How arrogant. You (generic you) are "letting" me "share" your day. Ugh.

I turn down invites from those types of people. They get cards if I'm feeling generous. No gifts.

No worries, though. I'm sure there are lots of other people who will feel flattered that they were "allowed" the privilege of "sharing" the happy couple's day with them. Ugh!

ETA I'm not saying that the bride and groom shouldn't take their guests into account with what they do, however they shouldn't put whats important to their wedding day aside for their guests. If donating to a charity is important to the bride because it has touched her family (like the OP) then I don't see a problem with possibly offending someone by it. YOu can't please everyone and for goodness sakes I think people have the right to not worry about pleasing everyone on their wedding day.

There's nothing stopping the bride from donating to a charity that's touched her family. What we're saying is that it's tacky to come right out and tell the people who the bride has deigned to "share her day with" that she's taking part of the budget that would have been spent on the guest's comfort and putting it toward her favorite charity.

It's more tactful to just not have favors in the first place and simply donate the money without the obligatory pat on the back. If your guests want to think you're cheap because there are no favors, then that's their perogative.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I guess I just don't understand how someone can be insulted by a donation to charity, especially if they're not there for the food, the drinks, flowers or favors.

At my wedding, when my cousins who lost 2 of their children read the donation card which included not only their children but 2 others, they came up to our table with tears streaming down their faces. They cried, practically sobbing and thanked us over and over again. Not for the donation but for the fact that we REMEMBERED them, that we wanted their memory to be a part of our wedding.

I'm thankful that I have family that aren't so easily insulted.

Truth be told, that could have been done without the donation. You REMEMBERED them. That is what you got thanked for. You were not thanked for passing on $2.95 worth of candy per guest.

Some people light a candle for those who could not be there.

I am a fan of doing things IN MEMORY OF. I am not a fan of IN LIEU OF. The former is thoughtful. The latter can come across very poorly.

 

[nancycg56]

My nephew and his fiance (now wife) gave their favor budget as a donation to the building of a playground at one of his deceased dad's (my brother) favorite places. They had a very nice card printed up and set at each place setting. I loved it and so did the rest of our family. My whole family sat together and we all had a good cry ~ especially my Mom. It was nice to see that my brother was still a part of the wedding even he was no longer with us.

 

[focusondisney]

Why not just tell your guests all the budget choices you made? "You could have had beef, but we wanted a nicer honeymoon so you're getting chicken". " The bride wanted a more expensive dress, so we cut out the liquor. You will get soft drinks instead". It is your wedding. Just make your choices. You don't have to advertize where you spent what. That is what looks tacky to me. Trying to seem "above" doing favors, too good to do favors or "saving" your guests from all the trouble of favors because you gave to a charity. And making sure all your guests know it.

I wonder how many of these brides would like to get a wedding card that says "in lieu of a wedding gift, we made a donation to ... "

 

[luvmy3]

There's nothing stopping the bride from donating to a charity that's touched her family. What we're saying is that it's tacky to come right out and tell the people who the bride has deigned to "share her day with" that she's taking part of the budget that would have been spent on the guest's comfort and putting it toward her favorite charity.

It's more tactful to just not have favors in the first place and simply donate the money without the obligatory pat on the back. If your guests want to think you're cheap because there are no favors, then that's their perogative.

Okay, letting is not exactly what I meant however as a guest you should be thankful for being invited. I know I am because it means they thought enough of me to send me an invitation, spend whatever amount of money on my "head for dinner, etc. So yes I see that as them letting me share in their day but not in the way you took it to mean.

I never said the OP has to announce her charity, but I just dont see it as such the big deal some of you do if she does.
Fact is, if the OP doesn't mention it and doesnt do favors, some of her guests will be offended. If she does mention it some of her guests will be offended. You say its the guests perogative t think shes cheap, I say its the guests perogative to be offended by the choice of a donation or at the very least the announcement of it.
Where does that leave the OP, its obvious she isnt going to be able to make everyone happy and someone wil be offended whether its those who think they should have gotten a favor or those who have an issue with the any/all of the charity thing. Which group do you pick to not offend? Thats probably why she was asking.

 

[dakcp2001]

People who hold Right-to-Life views would be deeply offended by a charitable donation made in their name to their local family planning clinic. Especially if that clinic performed abortions.

People who've experienced a family member who'd committed suicide would be horribly offended by a charitable donation made in their name to the Hemlock Society.

Christian Scientists would be offended by donations made in their name to any health organization, including cancer societies.

It's not laughable at all. It's insulting and shows a lack of ability to put oneself in other people's shoes to try to imagine how they'd feel. But, then again, when the focus appears to be all on oneself, it's not difficult to see how they'd arrive at that "me me me" conclusion.

Hello kettle, please meet pot! Your making it all about you you you. See how that works? It isn't about you. It is a celebration of marriage and love. Anyone who leaves a wedding feeling offended probably shouldnt have gone to begin with. Must not be that close to the couple.

There are so many things in this world that should cause outrage every day, but people focus on the small insignificant things. Like wedding favors. Just baffles me.

 

[bellarella]

Where does that leave the OP, its obvious she isnt going to be able to make everyone happy and someone wil be offended whether its those who think they should have gotten a favor or those who have an issue with the any/all of the charity thing. Which group do you pick to not offend? Thats probably why she was asking.

The thing is, though, that none of the people who think it's tacky to announce one's budget allocations have said that they want a favor. The "I want a favor, dangit" folks aren't going to be appeased by a "we thought of buying you a favor but decided against it" card. They might be guilted into shutting up about their selfishness in thinking they were entitled to a favor, but it's unlikely to solve the problem of them being offended.

 

[Skywalker]

Exactly how we handled our wedding, too.

Our reception wasn't a total "Look at us! I'm in a white dress! He's in a tux! (Although if you knew my DH, you'd know what a momentous occasion that was ) Look at us dance! Look at us eat! Look at us drink! Look at how happy we are! Look at us! Look at us! Look at us!" Blech. I HATE that.

It was all about our guests, how comfortable everyone was (including us), and celebrating our being together - ALL of us, not just DH and I.

Yes well for YOU it was all about your guests, but don't you know how many people don't seem to want guests...they want an audience for THEIR day...they want generous gift-givers for THEIR day...guests are too much bother, lol.

 

[bellarella]

There are so many things in this world that should cause outrage every day, but people focus on the small insignificant things. Like wedding favors. Just baffles me.

Just to clarify -- I think that the "in lieu of" cards are tacky, but it's not anything I would focus on. If the bride and groom were otherwise wonderful hosts, I wouldn't think twice about it. If the whole wedding treated the guests like props rather than loved ones, then, yeah, it would weigh in to an overall picture of the couple.

But if someone *asks* about whether this is a good idea or not, I will definitely explain why I think that it isn't a good choice.

 

[luvmy3]

The thing is, though, that none of the people who think it's tacky to announce one's budget allocations have said that they want a favor. The "I want a favor, dangit" folks aren't going to be appeased by a "we thought of buying you a favor but decided against it" card. They might be guilted into shutting up about their selfishness in thinking they were entitled to a favor, but it's unlikely to solve the problem of them being offended.

You are still leaving someone to be offended and according to some posters that is the worst thing you can do to your guests, so I still see it as the bride and groom having to make a choice that is best for THEM since afterall its their wedding. Of course that line of thinking offends some people too since you aren't putting your guests first when deciding every single detail of your own wedding. And then there are the guests that think they should come first because what, they are bringing a gift? So on and so on and so on.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

I have had a good laugh, thank you everyone! At our wedding we gave out little bags of wedding colored M&Ms and my old Aunt Millie spent the whole night complaining to everyone that would listen that she was diabetic and we gave out M&Ms. She was outraged! She actually complained about the cake, the salad, the main course etc etc you get the picture. We heard about the M&Ms for weeks.


I see there are some old Aunt Millies on this thread, and it made me miss her! And by the way, I promise I was not trying to off her with the candy.