Weddings: In Lieu of Favors; a donation. What do you think?

[honugirl]

Guess what? It's MY wedding! How would it be any different if I gave out favors instead? Do you need to call every single person on your guest list to find out what each one wants?

Weddings are not about the favors you receive.

I find it very sad that people actually feel this way.

Wow. Um, yeah. I guess I just see the favors as something as I can take or leave, but someone making a donation in honor of "me" as a guest of the wedding is something I take a little more seriously. I guess I see it as if I was trying to truly do something in my guests name, I would want to see if it is something they would like. Donations are a very personal thing. Especially for certain causes. For some there are very real emotional feelings that go along with them. Favors are not so personal. They're just things.

 

[focusondisney]

Most favors for the last few weddings I attended were food (milk and cookies and made on the premises pralines to take home). They were very thoughtful and appreciated by us.

I don't like the it either. Give them some small chocolate at the table and be done with it.

If you feel so strongly about donating to charity in a public way, then I would skip the floral arrangements at the table. I would instead, put a single candle with a card that read "Since our loved ones (you can name them) could not be here to celebrate with us, a donation to X in their name has been made in lieu of a table arrangement."

I don't think anyone would begrudge you giving up your flowers and they could still have some chocolate!

What a great idea!! I'd like to see that idea take off!

 

[Minnie]

How is giving to a charity an insult to you?

Don't make an announcement. Whenever I see people doing this, to me it comes across as disingenuous.

THIS

Make the donation - great but no need to tell everyone you did so..... Anyone concerned about a favour is being rediculous

 

[JaneBanks]

To me it is insulting to be told: "I spent all this money on me. The money I would have spent on you, I'm giving to someone else. "

Like I said, I don't need or care if you give me a favor. I go to weddings because I love & care about those involved. I don't go for the food, the drinks, flowers or favors. I don't care if none of those things are there. I also don't go to be insulted.

I guess I just don't understand how someone can be insulted by a donation to charity, especially if they're not there for the food, the drinks, flowers or favors.

At my wedding, when my cousins who lost 2 of their children read the donation card which included not only their children but 2 others, they came up to our table with tears streaming down their faces. They cried, practically sobbing and thanked us over and over again. Not for the donation but for the fact that we REMEMBERED them, that we wanted their memory to be a part of our wedding.

I'm thankful that I have family that aren't so easily insulted.

 

[Minnie]

If you feel so strongly about donating to charity in a public way, then I would skip the floral arrangements at the table. I would instead, put a single candle with a card that read "Since our loved ones (you can name them) could not be here to celebrate with us, a donation to X in their name has been made in lieu of a table arrangement."

Love this idea!!!!!

 

[JaneBanks]

I know my family and they would not be offended in the least by this, so I think I am just going to go ahead and do it. Nothing in my life has been traditional, so why should my favors?

Enjoy your wedding day!! It will be one of the best days of your life!

Here's a little tip: Don't be nervous! It (the ceremony at least) goes by too fast to even be nervous!

 

[bellarella]

I guess I just don't understand how someone can be insulted by a donation to charity, especially if they're not there for the food, the drinks, flowers or favors.

I'm not insulted. I just think it is tacky. First, I don't think charity should be announced (but see below). Second, while I don't care whether or not I get anything at a wedding, I find it funny that the "in lieu of" is the part of the expense that is going to the guest (and that there was no "in lieu of gifts we'd love for you to donate to X"). There's just no way to do this without it being "hey guys we spent money on charity, yay us!!!" in my view. It's not about me not getting anything, it's about my view that charity is not about getting a spotlight.

At my wedding, when my cousins who lost 2 of their children read the donation card which included not only their children but 2 others, they came up to our table with tears streaming down their faces. They cried, practically sobbing and thanked us over and over again. Not for the donation but for the fact that we REMEMBERED them, that we wanted their memory to be a part of our wedding.

I'm thankful that I have family that aren't so easily insulted.

This I find different. If you are specifically honoring family members by name, I really don't care how you do it. I think it is a beautiful gesture. As a quibble, I would never do it "in lieu of" favors (even if I didn't do favors) -- I'd change the wording as just an announcement of honoring those individuals. But again, at wedding that did this, I'd never give a thought to picking apart or critiquing it. The difference here is that when people read the "in loving memory" message their thoughts are directed to those that are being honored first, not to the couple giving the gift.

 

[marcyinPA]

I love this idea. My niece and her DH did this...they were married in August 09. My MIL passed away due to a brain tumor. The donation was made to a charity dealing with brain tumors. They made up very nice printed cards explaining the donation in lieu of favors (in memory of "Lauren's Nana") and put one at each place setting. There were many tears shed when the cards were read.

I think it's a lovely idea. I don't need to walk away with a little bundle of candy or whatever. My "favor" is the memory of the wedding, and the pictures I take. The little favor is trivial.

 

[FireDancer]

Personally I think a donation to a cause that is important to the bride and groom is better than some trinket I'll most likely throw away anyway. Two of my closest friends are cancer survivors and for not only both of their weddings but for a lot of my other friend's the "favor" was a donation to the American Cancer Society or LiveStrong.

I can't believe anyone would complain about something like this, ridiculous.

 

[marcyinPA]

ITA

if you don't want to spend money on favors then fine don't. If you want to give to a charity fine do it. Don't however Donate and then have to wag it in my face what wonderful people you are for doing it. All doing what you are doing is asking for acknowledgment and for people to say what great people you are and that isn't why you should be donating. It is called blowing your own horn and isn't exactly a nice thing to be know for..

Seriously??? Since when did making a donation instead of party favors become a brag session? I think you read too much into stuff.

 

[Skywalker]

I think its tacky.

I agree with all the previous reasons, mainly

...it is just showing off because you want people to think how thoughtful you are (if not this donation could and should be private...when I donate to charity I don't make a plaque for myself and put it where people can see it)

...and it is selfish because you are using the "favours budget", rather than something that actually effects YOU.

 

[bellarella]

But at the same time this could apply to anything. I refuse to give M&Ms, Almonds, or Hersheys....why? B/c DD is allergic to peanuts and I really don't want to sit in an emergency room on my wedding day b/c someone accidentally gave her something.
Or I could buy a wine bottle stopper but maybe you don't drink wine.
Seeds but you don't plant
Or a candle, but you don't light candles...

I know my family and they would not be offended in the least by this, so I think I am just going to go ahead and do it. Nothing in my life has been traditional, so why should my favors?

It sounds like you've already decided, but....

There is nothing wrong with finding a gift that is suitable to your tastes as long as you are also trying to think what would be pleasing to most of your guests as well.

It is also fine to choose not to do favors at all because you find them a waste of money. That decision is about allocating your resources. You might choose to get a nicer choice of entrees instead of donating to charity. Would you print up cards saying "in lieu of favors we opted for an extra hour of open bar"? Replacing "charity" with open bar doesn't make the announcement any less tacky, IMHO. Both are making the issue of favors about money -- which is the part I find tacky.

Also, in another post you seemed to say you didn't want people to think you just didn't do favors -- but that's clearly what you are doing. And that's perfectly fine!!!! But I don't think you should tell people how you are choosing to spend your money. And it also doesn't make you "different" from other people who don't give favors -- unless you think that none of them gave anything to charity that year, or didn't divert that money into other nicer creature comforts for their guests.

When I got married, I looked at my wedding in two parts. The first part was my ceremony. This was about my spouse and I. It was reflective of our beliefs and our love for one another and the people invited were there to witness and hopefully share our joy. The second part was the reception. That part was about our guests. It was about honoring them and thanking them for being in our lives. Everything at the reception was designed with them in mind, within our budget.

 

[marcyinPA]

Because it's YOUR charity not mine. Just because you think cancer or whatever is a worthy cause to donate to, doesn't mean everybody does. If you want to honor your guests with a donation, you should probably find out what they would donate to. Kind of like giving someone a huge box of chocolates that are your favorite, but they hate, so you get to enjoy it all.

They aren't honoring their guests. They are honoring their loved ones by donating the money they would have spent on favors.

Let's keep in mind that most of the people at the OP's wedding are likely to be close friends and family, not perfect strangers. I think it would be pretty shallow of a guest to complain about a donation in lieu of favors if the charity is near and dear the to the wedding couple's heart.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Agree! If the charity is that important & the disease has so affected them, skip the expensive flowers that die in days, wedding gifts, dress & tux or the honeymoon. Something that the couple actually sacrifices themselves. I don't need a thank you favor. But don't insult me by saying you giving to a charity of your choice is a favor for me.

Exactly.

To me it is insulting to be told: "I spent all this money on me. The money I would have spent on you, I'm giving to someone else. "
Like I said, I don't need or care if you give me a favor. I go to weddings because I love & care about those involved. I don't go for the food, the drinks, flowers or favors. I don't care if none of those things are there. I also don't go to be insulted.

Once again, I agree 100%.

I also don't really care about favors at weddings. I could take them or leave them. But there are some charities out there that I absolutely, positively want nothing to do with. If we were to arrive at a reception and found out that the bride put out a card saying she thought about giving us a favor but instead chose a charity that I abhor, I'd be very insulted. Almost to the point of taking back the gift and sending a card telling her that in lieu of a wedding gift, I've given $250 in their name to my local Humane Society.

My take on charitable donations is that they become a commodity once you've told people who you've donated to and how much. You're not donating to charity - you're attempting to buy respect, admiration and good will by bragging about giving up some money.

 

[bellarella]

double post for some reason. sorry!

 

[MrsToad]

Our DS and DDIL made a donation to the American Cancer Society. DDIL's mother, one of DS' grandparents, and two of his great-grandparents died of cancer. Making the donation was, in part, a way of remembering these family members on their wedding day. In addition to a nicely tied bag of almonds, each guest, almost all of whom knew either DS' or DDIL's deceased relatives, received a "scroll" noting the donation honoring the individually named four relatives who could not be there. Family members on both sides thought it was a nice idea.

 

[marcyinPA]

The second part was the reception. That part was about our guests. It was about honoring them and thanking them for being in our lives. Everything at the reception was designed with them in mind, within our budget.

Didn't you feed your guests? I feel that sharing the meal with your guests (in essence, buying them dinner and drinks, is thanks enough. I don't need a hand-tied tule bag of Jordan almonds to feel thanked. I think being invited in the first place says a lot!

 

[marcyinPA]

Exactly.Once again, I agree 100%.

I also don't really care about favors at weddings. I could take them or leave them. But there are some charities out there that I absolutely, positively want nothing to do with. If we were to arrive at a reception and found out that the bride put out a card saying she thought about giving us a favor but instead chose a charity that I abhor, I'd be very insulted. Almost to the point of taking back the gift and sending a card telling her that in lieu of a wedding gift, I've given $250 in their name to my local Humane Society.

My take on charitable donations is that they become a commodity once you've told people who you've donated to and how much. You're not donating to charity - you're attempting to buy respect, admiration and good by bragging about giving up some money.

Again, it's not about YOU, as a guest. In my niece's case, she wanted a way to honor her beloved Nana, who passed away several years ago. By donating to the brain tumor organization, and letting it be known to her guests, it kept the memory of Nana alive. Some people may not have known about Nana. By reading the card, then they knew. And maybe, instead of having people wonder "Hey, where is my little favor of chocolate?", the little card at each place setting explained things for people.

 

[honugirl]

Exactly.Once again, I agree 100%.

I also don't really care about favors at weddings. I could take them or leave them. But there are some charities out there that I absolutely, positively want nothing to do with. If we were to arrive at a reception and found out that the bride put out a card saying she thought about giving us a favor but instead chose a charity that I abhor, I'd be very insulted. Almost to the point of taking back the gift and sending a card telling her that in lieu of a wedding gift, I've given $250 in their name to my local Humane Society.

My take on charitable donations is that they become a commodity once you've told people who you've donated to and how much. You're not donating to charity - you're attempting to buy respect, admiration and good by bragging about giving up some money.

Very nice post! This is the point I was trying to get across earlier. I just didn't know how to put it.

 

[Carly_Roach]

When I got married, I looked at my wedding in two parts. The first part was my ceremony. This was about my spouse and I. It was reflective of our beliefs and our love for one another and the people invited were there to witness and hopefully share our joy. The second part was the reception. That part was about our guests. It was about honoring them and thanking them for being in our lives. Everything at the reception was designed with them in mind, within our budget.

Exactly how we handled our wedding, too.

Our reception wasn't a total "Look at us! I'm in a white dress! He's in a tux! (Although if you knew my DH, you'd know what a momentous occasion that was ) Look at us dance! Look at us eat! Look at us drink! Look at how happy we are! Look at us! Look at us! Look at us!" Blech. I HATE that.

It was all about our guests, how comfortable everyone was (including us), and celebrating our being together - ALL of us, not just DH and I.