Weddings: In Lieu of Favors; a donation. What do you think?

[bellarella]

Didn't you feed your guests? I feel that sharing the meal with your guests (in essence, buying them dinner and drinks, is thanks enough. I don't need a hand-tied tule bag of Jordan almonds to feel thanked. I think being invited in the first place says a lot!

Yup -- and I didn't do favors. We did tiny scrolls on the plates with love poems. I also didn't think favors were a good use of our resources. DH and I were young, paying for our wedding ourselves and very cognizant of the fact that our family members and friends were traveling a distance to come to the wedding. We spent our money in the ways we thought they would best make their visit enjoyable. But we didn't put a note on the table saying "in lieu of favors we're buying you breakfast tomorrow"

(oh and we did make charitable donations and did upgrade the alcohol selection because we knew our guests well enough to know that they would appreciate this more than some sort of knick knack, but there was no notice of these either)

 

[marcyinPA]

Yup -- and I didn't do favors. We did tiny scrolls on the plates with love poems. I also didn't think favors were a good use of our resources. DH and I were young, paying for our wedding ourselves and very cognizant of the fact that our family members and friends were traveling a distance to come to the wedding. We spent our money in the ways we thought they would best make their visit enjoyable. But we didn't put a note on the table saying "in lieu of favors we're buying you breakfast tomorrow"

(oh and we did make charitable donations and did upgrade the alcohol selection because we knew our guests well enough to know that they would appreciate this more than some sort of knick knack, but there was no notice of these either)

And if the charitable donation was made in memory of a deceased family member? Say a parent or a grandparent? As a way of making them a part of the celebration, and keeping their memory alive? You still balk at this idea, or is this acceptable?

 

[Carly_Roach]

Again, it's not about YOU, as a guest. In my niece's case, she wanted a way to honor her beloved Nana, who passed away several years ago. By donating to the brain tumor organization, and letting it be known to her guests, it kept the memory of Nana alive. Some people may not have known about Nana. By reading the card, then they knew. And maybe, instead of having people wonder "Hey, where is my little favor of chocolate?", the little card at each place setting explained things for people.

Forgive me, but I've grown a bit tired of the whole "It's MY DAY" routine that's been getting worse and worse as the decades go on.

Dear bride: Yes, we know its your wedding day. Yes, we know you're the bride. Yes, we know it's a big deal to you. But guess what? Some of us are getting more than a little tired of having to stop whatever we're doing in order to honor your choices, praise your decisions and worship you for a day.

Sage observation: The more the wedding becomes all about you, the more probable the divorce will be because the marriage will turn out to be all about you, too.

 

[bellarella]

And if the charitable donation was made in memory of a deceased family member? Say a parent or a grandparent? As a way of making them a part of the celebration, and keeping their memory alive? You still balk at this idea, or is this acceptable?

No, I put this in another post -- this is different (though I wouldn't phrase it as "in lieu of favors" I'd just put "in loving memory" -- but that's a minor quibble).

I see a big difference in what you've suggest and what the OP put out. The first post seemed to be "I don't like favors. I'd like to give to charity instead. I'll print up cards telling people how I spent some of my wedding budget."

OTOH hand, when a charity is specifically tied to someone who is near and dear to the family it is a whole different focus. In that scenario it is much more "Our whole family has been touched by this person who can't be here. We think our family would appreciate this person being honored. Let's print up cards honoring that person so that they can be there in spirit with us."

Again, I wouldn't mix it up with the idea of favors -- but there is a difference between a couple honoring by name friends and family and just saying "we gave some money to charity rather than buying you candy." In the first scenario the money/donation is in the background -- the people who have been lost are in the forefront. In the second scenario it's all about the couple's money choices.

 

[marcyinPA]

Forgive me, but I've grown a bit tired of the whole "It's MY DAY" routine that's been getting worse and worse as the decades go on.

Dear bride: Yes, we know its your wedding day. Yes, we know you're the bride. Yes, we know it's a big deal to you. But guess what? Some of us are getting more than a little tired of having to stop whatever we're doing in order to honor your choices, praise your decisions and worship you for a day.

Sage observation: The more the wedding becomes all about you, the more probable the divorce will be because the marriage will turn out to be all about you, too.

Maybe you need to stop attending weddings if you feel this way?!

 

[Carly_Roach]

And if the charitable donation was made in memory of a deceased family member? Say a parent or a grandparent? As a way of making them a part of the celebration, and keeping their memory alive? You still balk at this idea, or is this acceptable?

The classiest, and most elegant, remembrance I ever saw for missing members of the family was at a friend's wedding several years ago:

She had one table marked Reserved and elegantly set for six. A single lit, tapered candle centerpiece in the middle. At each place setting a framed photo of his/her deceased relatives with name cards written in beautiful caligraphy on each plate. No mention of charity. No mention of how they died. Just a remembrance of them and a symbolic inclusion.

Now that's class. IMO, much classier than the so-called charitable donations I've heard of here and elsewhere.

 

[Minnie]

And if the charitable donation was made in memory of a deceased family member? Say a parent or a grandparent? As a way of making them a part of the celebration, and keeping their memory alive? You still balk at this idea, or is this acceptable?

If a card is setup saying "in lieu of....." yes I would think this was tacky... If however a card said "in loving memory of......" then it would be perfectly acceptable and touching

 

[bellarella]

The classiest, and most elegant, remembrance I ever saw for missing members of the family was at a friend's wedding several years ago:

She had one table marked Reserved and elegantly set for six. A single lit, tapered candle centerpiece in the middle. At each place setting a framed photo of his/her deceased relatives with name cards written in beautiful caligraphy on each plate. No mention of charity. No mention of how they died. Just a remembrance of them and a symbolic inclusion.

Now that's class. IMO, much classier than the so-called charitable donations I've heard of here and elsewhere.

Ooooh, I love this. I won't begrudge for a second people announcing a donation when it is honor of someone -- even if it isn't they way I'd do it, I always assume the best of intentions there, but this is a lovely gesture.

 

[Carly_Roach]

Maybe you need to stop attending weddings if you feel this way?!

I will never stop attending weddings of family and friends. Most of the people I know wouldn't behave in the manner that is frequently described here and on TV.

We have, however, known co-workers who behave in that manner and you are absolutely right: We don't attend those weddings nor do we send a gift. If invited, I simply send our regrets and a card congratulating them on their union. That's it.

 

[Kellydelly]

But I don't want the guests to think "hey she didn't give favors". I want them to know that its not that we didn't feel the need/forgot/didn't want to waste money on favors. Instead we thought this would be better since our whole family has been affected by this, to give to a cause that means more to us. Like the PP said I don't want people to be surprised that M&Ms aren't in a lil baggie @ their plate.

In my opinion wedding favors and donations to charities or causes have nothing to do with each other . I don't see the point in advertising that you chose to spend favor money on a charitable donation. Just don't do favors if you want to do something else with your money. Not everyone has favors.

 

[dakcp2001]

Weddings bring out the absolute worst in people.

Some people just need something to complain about. What someone else does for their wedding favors seems like sweating the small stuff to me. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

You'd be insulted or offended by a charitable donation? That is absurd. Laughable actually. Some people really make an effort to be offended these days.

 

[Heyanthony]

Absolutely awesome idea. Most people end up throwing out wedding favors. Unless you go chocolate. Donation is a really great way to go.

 

[lajones81]

Fiance and I have been thinking instead of doing favors for our wedding we were thinking of taking our favor budget and donating half to the American Cancer Society and the other half to St.Judes or Make a Wish. We have lost a few family members (my Nan being one) and close friends cancer and we currently have some family friends fighting the battle. I was just going to print out on nice stationary "In Lieu of favors the bride and groom are donating to X and Y Charities" (well something like that) and frame it and put it by our guestbook.

However, I was watching a wedding show and a couple was planning on doing this but their parents were outraged b/c their guests were going to be walking away empty handed. I thought that was a silly way to think, what do you all think?

One of my friend's did this at her wedding and I loved it! Her mother had passed away a number of years ago and the bride and groom made a donation to ovarian cancer research in her memory.

 

[Carly_Roach]

You'd be insulted or offended by a charitable donation? That is absurd. Laughable actually. Some people really make an effort to be offended these days.

People who hold Right-to-Life views would be deeply offended by a charitable donation made in their name to their local family planning clinic. Especially if that clinic performed abortions.

People who've experienced a family member who'd committed suicide would be horribly offended by a charitable donation made in their name to the Hemlock Society.

Christian Scientists would be offended by donations made in their name to any health organization, including cancer societies.

It's not laughable at all. It's insulting and shows a lack of ability to put oneself in other people's shoes to try to imagine how they'd feel. But, then again, when the focus appears to be all on oneself, it's not difficult to see how they'd arrive at that "me me me" conclusion.

 

[luvmy3]

THIS

Make the donation - great but no need to tell everyone you did so..... Anyone concerned about a favour is being rediculous

Yes just as ridiculous as anyone thinking that the bride and groom are showing off, or making it all about them, because the decide to tell people in lieu of favors they made a charitable donation.

Why can't people just enjoy a wedding they are invited to? Why can't they not nit pick about what was said/not said, done/not done, given/not given.
Guess what IT IS about the bride and groom, and THEY are asking you to share THEIR day with you. If you can't accept that fact or the way they choose to do things maybe you shouldn't accept THEIR invitation.
(Minnie this is not directed at you, just generally speaking).

 

[honugirl]

Weddings bring out the absolute worst in people.

Some people just need something to complain about. What someone else does for their wedding favors seems like sweating the small stuff to me. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

You'd be insulted or offended by a charitable donation? That is absurd. Laughable actually. Some people really make an effort to be offended these days.

Actually, yes. If it was made in my name, which essentially is saying that I chose to give to an organization that I completely abhor, then yes, I would be deeply offended. I know people that have been affected by domestic violence, if someone chose to donate to an organization that say, supports abusers, yes, even though it's a charitable organization I would be deeply offended.

If the donation is just done to honor the memory of someone, I have no problem with it.

People who hold Right-to-Life views would be deeply offended by a charitable donation made to their local family planning clinic. Especially if that clinic performed abortions.

People who've experienced a family member who'd committed suicide would be horribly offended by a charitable donation made in their name to the Hemlock Society.

Christian Scientists would be offended by donations made in their name to any health organization, including cancer societies.

It's not laughable at all. It's insulting and shows a lack of ability to put oneself in other people's shoes to try to imagine how they'd feel. But, then again, when the focus appears to be all on oneself, it's not difficult to see how they'd arrive at that "me me me" conclusion.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes just as ridiculous as anyone thinking that the bride and groom are showing off, or making it all about them, because the decide to tell people in lieu of favors they made a charitable donation.

Why can't people just enjoy a wedding they are invited to? Why can't they not nit pick about what was said/not said, done/not done, given/not given.
Guess what IT IS about the bride and groom, and THEY are asking you to share THEIR day with you. If you can't accept that fact or the way they choose to do things maybe you shouldn't accept THEIR invitation.
(Minnie this is not directed at you, just generally speaking).

OK, so if I make a donation to the Democratic Party, NORML, or some other organization that is "controversial" in lieu of "favors" for you then that is perfectly acceptable?

Probably not.

 

[luvmy3]

OK, so if I make a donation to the Democratic Party in lieu of "favors" for you then that is perfectly acceptable?

Yes it would, why would I care where you made a donation. The OP id not doing it in her guests names, she's just making a donation. I can't imagine being the kind of person who would care about such a thing, and no I am not a Democrat

 

[Hannathy]

Yes just as ridiculous as anyone thinking that the bride and groom are showing off, or making it all about them, because the decide to tell people in lieu of favors they made a charitable donation.

When you pat yourself on the back and have to advertise what a good person you are it is showing off.

I think it is fine you don't give favors and use that money for a charity but don't do it and say "yay me!!!" Look what I did. It is boasting.

 

[Hannathy]

Yes it would, why would I care where you made a donation. The OP id not doing it in her guests names, she's just making a donation. I can't imagine being the kind of person who would care about such a thing, and no I am not a Democrat

If she is "just making a donation" why does she have to advertise it?

Just make the donation. and she actually is doing it in her guest names, she isn't naming them but in essence that is what she is saying. "I knew you wouldn't mind not getting a favor so I took that money and gave it to XYZ, which I am also getting credit with at the charity and bragging here what a good person I am".