Thoughts on moving back after fresh start?

I would think a 20 year old could make it work if he wanted to stay. Many, many young adults that age live on their own. He might have to work full time and take night classes or go to school full time and work but it can be done. I can't imagine a family forcing a 20 year old to move against his will if he can support himself.
 
Early 20's could mean 20 - 25? I think that's why people are still asking how old?
 
sam_gordon said:
Would the advice be different for a 20yo vs. 25? For me, it wouldn't. If he wants to stay, stay. If he wants to go with his dad, do that. I'm sure it's not an easy choice, but the choice is his.
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Probably wouldn't make much difference in this situation, no. If the person in question was a full-time student, it would be a different situation, IMO, but I suppose age doesn't have much to do with that.

As it stands, like others said, it still sounds like a possible tough situation for your daughter's boyfriend, but if he is reliant on his family financial support and they are moving, he's stuck with the choice of finding a way to support himself or move with the family.
 


LISAMWDW said:
My DD is in a tough situation, well her boyfriend is, so was wondering what are some non-biased thoughts were among the Disers.

Her boyfriend moved here with his parents a few years ago and now his dad lost his job and wants to move back home. However, his son (my DD's boyfriend) has built a new life here and doesn't want to move back. I see both points and it seems like an unfair position on both sides. He is upset as his dad usually works out of the home and can live anywhere. There is a small chance that they will have to move for a new job but odds are that his dad will be able to work out of the house.

The family doesn't know if they should wait it out as they love it here or move back home to regroup. The family is trying to decide what is best to do and have asked our opinion on the matter. The DD and boyfriend are both in their young 20's taking classes part-time while working full time.

My DD is so upset over the situation. What do y'all think?
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The parents should decide what would work best for their situation.
If I loved a place (and moving is expensive), I would probably job search there. I would decide how long I could "wait it out" based on my savings, etc. I might also put in for jobs around "home" and see what came up. They need to think about where they want to be in the next 5-10 years. You said the family loves it but the dad wants to go home? Isn't the dad part of the family?

Unless I am no longer of sound mind or financially capable of taking care of myself, the only person besides myself who gets a voice in deciding where I live is my spouse. My children (minor or adult) can have an opinion that I would take into account, but I need to go where I want to live.
 
Dd21 pays $500 a month for a room in a house she shares with 6 other people. She is in college full time, and pays for necessities waitressing on the weekends. She gave her bedroom away, and never plans on moving back home, she has secured a full time job after graduation.

What is the issue?
 


I would never give anyone that kind of advice. This is something that couple need to decide on their own. If the son is in his 20's seems to me he is old enough to decide what he wants to do. Unless he is underage.
 
I'm not following the OP on why there needs to be an opinion from non-family regarding whether the boyfriend's family should move back home or stay put. Is that the actual question? That, along with the relationship between DD and boyfriend which may become long distance, and if they (other family) actually like the area and can wait and see if it's feasible to work at home?

If so, then I would not be involved in an opinion with the other family. That's for them to decide. I wouldn't allow their 20 something year old to live in my house, either. I suppose he could work and get an apartment in the area if he wants to stay and the family needs to move home. And, that's for him to decide. But, just on what I understand of the OP, I would say they have to make their own decision on what will work for their family.
 
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Well, my oldest is 22, and she lives 800 miles away from us. She graduated this past May, and never moved back "home". Home is in quotes, because we moved away from the area she was going to school in, rather than her leaving us, so our current home doesn't feel like home to her. She has a full-time job and shares a 2-bedroom apartment with three other people. She doesn't have a car--she uses public transportation and shares a ride to/from work with a co-worker (free if she brings a daily coffee, so a good deal for her). Just last week, the facade fell off her building, meaning she had to find other lodging for the night while the building was inspected, etc.

I guess my point is, at 22, she's a full-blown adult. I had zero luck in convincing her to move down here--that bird has flown! I understand that not every young adult is on the exact same schedule--our DS20 won't be moving out any time soon. But, it's not unreasonable for the OP's DD's boyfriend to find his way on his own at this stage in his life. If he wants to, of course, but really, that's on him. His parents have to do what works for them. If he doesn't like their choice, he's got the right to choose differently.
 
I think I would politely decline to offer an opinion. It's really not anyone's business but the family's, and it's too easy to create hard feelings that might be a problem later if your daughter and her boyfriend decide to marry someday.

Seems to me it's really between the boyfriend and his family. There are a lot of options here. If his parents move, he can stay and support himself - early 20's is a fine time to take that step. He can go with them for a few years, keeping a long-distance relationship with your daughter, and then move back when he's able to support himself, or she moves to be with him. He can go with them and break up with her.

His family could also decide to stay where they are for a few more years, until he's able to be independent. Or, they could move, and pay some of his expenses so he can live in his own place.
 
sam_gordon said:
Would the advice be different for a 20yo vs. 25? For me, it wouldn't. If he wants to stay, stay. If he wants to go with his dad, do that. I'm sure it's not an easy choice, but the choice is his.
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My advice wouldn't be different, but my ability to understand why it might be an issue would. I guess I'm just curious?
 
disykat said:
My advice wouldn't be different, but my ability to understand why it might be an issue would. I guess I'm just curious?
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Yep. A 20 year old may not have realized life is on him now, and require a little prompting. A 25 year old should have reached that milestone.
 
The additional info is helpful that the OP included. Thank you! My thoughts in no particular order:
  1. Is "the family" asking you, personally, for your advice or is it just your DD and her BF? Or is it just your DD asking you?
  2. If it's "the family" asking your advice (i.e., the parents and their adult son), you should give them a very middle of the road response. Preferably one that doesn't lean in any particular direction. Something along the lines of "there are a lot of pro's and con's to the options you have before you."
  3. Do not have DD's boyfriend become a renter/boarder in your home. Not even for a "temporary" time period.
  4. They're both in their early 20's? Welcome to adulthood. Adults have to pay their own rent, pay their own bills. If BF's parents end up having to relocate because of the dad's job, BF can choose to move with them and continue his living arrangement with his parents. Or he can choose to find some place to live locally so he doesn't have to relocate out of the area.
  5. If BF wants to do the latter option, then he better start saving some money now so he can afford a deposit on an apartment & stuff like that. He needs to put on his big boy pants and figure out a household budget for himself. Welcome to the Land of Grown Ups. :-) Cheapest way to live on your own without your parents as a person in your 20's is with roommates.
  6. If BF is already working full time and is going to college part time and let's assume for a moment that he might not pay his parents any rent (that's a big assumption, but let's just say it's that for argument's sake right now), then where is all of his disposable income going? Not your problem, of course.
  7. I'm sorry that your DD is so upset. It's understandable. But she has no control over the situation or the outcome. Unless she and BF decide to move into an apartment together. And if you're old enough to move in with your boyfriend, then you're old enough to not have your parents subsidize any of your living expenses for you, in my opinion.
  8. This is really a decision between the BF's mom and dad. It's a private decision between that husband and wife. They need to sit down together and figure out the pro's and con's of the various options in front of them and then make a decision with level heads without all the emotion thrown into it. It is far easier to find a new job if you already have one, so generally speaking, I am not in favor of "waiting it out" (aka, sit around unemployed until you can find an employer who will let you telecommute full time). Life throws you a curve ball sometimes and you have to just run with it.
  9. I also don't understand why this has to be decided by committee. :-) Unless the BF's parents approached you personally and asked you what you thought.
 
If he can afford to live on his own, he should just make a decision about where he wants to be. If he can't, well, I guess he's moving.

I don't think I'd offer any advice. Sorry for your DD!
 
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